Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

We love you! :hug:

Love y’all too :hug:

 

[littleoc]

Brandi said this is why I’m unlovable. This is why no one else will put up with me.

The pedophile did that too.




Last time I had a medication mishap my psychiatrist told me to see my therapist, but my therapist didn’t address it even after I said it. And she thinks I am no longer a mess. She said I was a mess before. I don’t want to be a mess again.

 

[somerandomguy]

:hug:

 

[littleoc]

Good news: I fixed a light fixture

 

[littleoc]

The pedophile did that too.

At least I don’t rape children. Or other animals. Probably makes me better than him.

 

[littleoc]

:hug:

:hug:

 

[Freida]

I deserve at least that much.

you deserve that and so very MUCH more.

Probably makes me better than him.

Sweetie -- You are nothing like him and you are a much better human being than he could ever be. He was a monster who abused children and animals. You could never be like him -- not in a million years. You deserve happiness and love and light and all the things that make life wonderful. You never have to compare yourself to him, or wonder if you are better than he is.
Because you are in different catagories of humanity. You are a wonderful human being. He is not worth calling human. BIG difference.

 

[ILoveLife]

Yep. All of what @Freida said. :hug:

 

[bellbird]

You are a wonderful human being. He is not worth calling human.

Reposting this for emphasis. It is very very true.

 

[littleoc]

Thanks, guys

Had my half pill a few hours ago. Feeling calmer, but a bit depressed. I haven’t started the antidepressant. I’m still afraid of it. I have had very bad reactions to them before. Bad enough that if it weren’t for Nestle I would have been gone in 2015. I’m not nearly prepared to talk about that in this diary.

My therapist read the side effects to me last week, trying to calm me. I agreed to start taking it, but then she told my mom about it, and I am afraid of being watched. Same reason I couldn’t do my work earlier. Afraid of being listened to. Not by my mom, despite what I said, but my dad. He spies on me. Or, used to. I don’t know. One or both.

I showered more than fifteen times this past couple of days. I also bleached a bunch of stuff. I thought my medication was lost when I hurried out of the store. So I panicked about that. And as a bad flashback. I saw a crack in the bathroom door. It’s from when my dad broke down the door to kill my mom. She had us huddled in the back behind her. She was going to protect us with her life.

I also got hate mail today. They said they’d kill the Jew. Little do they know I’m more gay than Jew. Waiting to see if my grandparents got anything similar in their mail, so I know if it’s a family thing or if it’s my neighbor. I’m pretty sure it’s my neighbor. Not sure why else it would arrive today rather than any other time. This area has gone a little funky for Halloween. Between that and the shooting nearby and the threats to the gay people to be shot down like Pulse, I am reconsidering a lisence to carry. I am too overwhelmed to even think right about it. Too many things to worry about, so little meds.

Pharmacy doesn’t have two of my other medications. So November may be harder than it needed to be. Had to be at the anniversary of — actually, no. I’m not getting into that right now. I want to be less dysregulated for five minutes.

At least I’m really clean. And feeling slightly more normal. I’m disappointed in myself but I’ve had a huge amount of triggers at the worst possible time. With few meds. Hopefully they can at least give me my hormones tomorrow. I don’t want to have to be stuck on my period for nine months again. That was painful. And a waste of tampons. I hate tampons. Needed them though. Heavy flow.

Also, I found out the missing child is probably still dead. His dad is just trying to confuse a jury into not convicting him of murder. Child murders make me cry, and crying gives me bad headaches. You’d think I’d learn to quit crying, lol. Stupid brain

Hope y’all humans are having a nice day

 

[littleoc]

Something positive: my bird fell asleep on my knee today. Her poo is still wrong so her liver is still sad. Maybe even her kidney, based on things I’m too tired to talk about. She wasn’t balancing well. She seemed okay though. Okay enough. She knows which hand is my dominant hand, so that’s neat.

 

[littleoc]

I believe the hate mail was empty words meant to scare. I just put it back in the mailbox and went back inside with Nestle. Neighbors have a stupid sense of humor and have done stuff like this before. If you were wondering why that didn’t trigger me as much as everything else.

I wish they’d move. No one in this neighborhood likes them except Thomas. And Thomas is stupid.

I’m just sick of their behavior, literally don’t have time for them this week.