The line between helping and fixing

[EveHarrington]

I’m just wondering where others see the line between helping someone and trying to fix them? What is the difference?

Thanks!

 

[TTC18]

I think helping is when someone asks for help, and trying to fix is when someone doesn't ask for help..

 

[MyWillow]

I think it’s about the individuals involved, what they need, how it’s perceived l and how well it’s communicated. My OH would think he was helping. I would think he was fixing. It’s up to me to explain what I actually need. And understand that he’s full of good intentions.

 

[Missycat]

Helping is being there, listening, providing options ...
Fixing is not listening, telling and providing one suggestion with no options ...

 

[ILoveLife]

I've been wondering about this.

I think things aren't as black and white.

I think in any relationship, if a person's trait or issue interferes in the relationship, both people can work together towards fixing it. I've done it with romantic partners, friends and family members. It's actually healing and bonding. It usually takes two to tango.
But in another situation if a person's trait or issue interferes in the relationship, but there is no way to both work together in fixing it and it doesn't take two to tango because it's a solo dance, than the not issued person can help or not, depending on the situation at hand.
I think any of these above instances can be healthy.

Then there's codependency, which one person in the relationship has the obsessive trait of "treating" the person with the issue.
And even in codependency, it does take two to tango. There's the person who wants to treat, then there's the person who allows that behavior. The end result might not be either/or either, it can be fixed - ha!

 

[Abstract]

Then there's codependency, which one person in the relationship has the obsessive trait of "treating" the person with the issue.
And even in codependency, it does take two to tango. There's the person who wants to treat, then there's the person who allows that behavior. The end result might not be either/or either, it can be fixed - ha!

Would agree with that.

If not taken in context of caretaking or codependent behaviour then fixing can be fine in certain situations. Not healthy in general is when the other person isnt whole unless they make themselves feel relevant by having someone who is struggling around them. So they can be the one in control. In a backwards way. Its a need that is about them in fact and not really about the person they are trying to fix. Also when the person doesn;t understand or respect boundaries. They aren't really seeing what the person wants or feels comfortable with.

If someone you care about is in distress its normal to want to help.

 

[MyWillow]

There was another relationship thread where I said that honesty was important to me. A classic situation came up whereby my OH didn’t tell me something because he didn’t want to worry me. And I would get pissed off lol. So HE was trying to help (and avoid pissing me off!) and made it 50 times worse because a) he didn’t deal with it, so b) I had to deal with the worse scenario later. More time and more stress.

That took a LOT of working through to get him to see sense. So glad I had my T to validate my point of view but also point out that he meant well. I’ve sent OH to his own T to sort out his thinking processes a bit better. Because I don’t need to deal with his crap right now. But it was hard work for me to identify the grey.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t see how trying to fix another person could ever be a good thing. I don’t have this mentality. I’ve never met anyone, and tried to change them, ever.

If you try to fix another person, you believe they are broken. Cuz, well, yeah, if you’re not broken, there’s nothing to fix.

I think this conversation is steering more toward fixing a problem, while I’m talking about fixing a person.

I say all of this as someone who briefly dated a codependent “fixer”. He made himself feel “good” by forcing unwanted help on people he viewed as broken.

I am now with someone who helps me but accepts me as I am and doesn’t try to fix me because he doesn’t see me as broken.

It’s like night and day.

I’m trying to define fixing a person VS helping a person so that I can identify fixing behavior in the future when it’s a bit more subtle, or closer to the line in the grey area.

 

[blackemerald1]

So... if someone says do you need help or how can I help or what would help you right now I think that is helpful, they may be a helper and they may be interested in listening to me and I am likely going to let them in a little to see.

But if a person says you need help or I am going to help you by.... or doesn't ask because they assume I am too stupid to ask etc., they are a fixer and I am probably going to push back hard.

 

[MyWillow]

Seeing as 99% of people can only handle me if I’m 100% capable - because that’s my message - then anyone who dares to offer some “help” must be pretty freaking brave lol So yeah I’m working on accepting the “helpers” or educating the “fixers”.

 

[ILoveLife]

I guess it's a boundary like any other, as you don't allow disrespect towards you, you can also not allow people in your life who think you're broken and want to fix you.

The ways that shows is very easy to spot I think.

 

[MyWillow]

I guess it's a boundary like any other, as you don't allow disrespect towards you, you can also not allow people in your life who think you're broken and want to fix you.

The ways that shows is very easy to spot I think.

Great point. My family think I’m broken. f*ckers.