The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Now I'm starting to obsessively research all things Autism and Aspergers. Joined a forum. Haven't posted yet.
I talked to my Aspie friend. Gonna visit her soon.
I've realized my social difficulties are more rooted in my Aspie brain than trauma related. Lots of the trauma and mental health issues are actually directly related to being Aspie and growing up Aspie without any support.
It's likely my mum is actually on the spectrum too.
Aspies often gravitate to other Aspies as we find neurotypicals too different to relate to, in any depth, or to feel any level of social comfortability, with.

I still can't handle my mum though, way too much drama and self absorption. On the other hand, it could be just BPD with her, dunno, but whatever. She put me through hell, growing up, and shows no interest in supporting me or acknowledging or learning about my particular struggles and challenges.

The constant moving around and changing schools and new boyfriends and fighting and dramas and emotional, medical and psychological neglect were utter hell.

I thought my social dificulties were because of trauma, and it sure doesn't help, but the underlying issue was always my Aspergers brain.

In some ways being Aspien makes dealing with some trauma stuff easier, perhaps, than it is for neurotypicals, plenty of stuff I feel nothing about; rapes? No feelings at all, utterly dissociative.

It's relationships and knowing how to communicate and show support and having the energy to try to connect that is SO HARD. I much prefer pursuing learning and skill-building and areas of interest than being social, in general. In fact I can hardly stand human contact, particularly with non-Aspies, a lot of the time. I can observe and study people and how they interact, but doing it feels alien, clunky, extremely uncomfortable and fairly undesirable.
I know the trauma has exacerbated this, as I wasn't nearly so avoidant when I was in my twenties and thirties, although, yeah, a lot of the time, I was.

I always wanted to help people and comfort people though. Now, I just have energy to do that for my children and partner and a little bit online. I'm burnt out of trying to fake neurotypical. I can't change who I am and maybe I'm sick of trying. Maybe I want neurotypicals to understand us and accept our different relating styles and contributions and get used to sharing society with very task-and-interest-oriented, sensorily-easily-overwhelmed, differently-processing Autistic Spectrum people and not judge us as deficient, just different.

 

[Freida]

The constant moving around and changing schools and new boyfriends and fighting and dramas and emotional, medical and psycholgical neglect were utter hell.

I can't imagine how horrible this would be for anyone on the spectrum - no matter how in depth. Wow. Just. wow. Not dismissing how hard it would be on someone that's not -- but just adding that extra level of pain and confusing of austism/aspergers/etc.? yea - that would be a problem

 

[mumstheword]

I can't imagine how horrible this would be for anyone on the spectrum - no matter how in depth. Wow. Just. wow. Not dismissing how hard it would be on someone that's not -- but just adding that extra level of pain and confusing of austism/aspergers/etc.? yea - that would be a problem

You betcha @Freida. I'm just now acknowledging how that all was for me.

Having no clue how to make friends (on the whole) or skills to maintain friendships.

Being paralysed with overwhelm from too much change.
Having no skills to express what I was going through, how to communicate pain and traumatic events, how to function in society.
Stuck caring, but being unable to express myself.
There is lots of misconceptions going around, and have been for years, that Autistic Spectrum people don't feel empathy. This is utterly false. In fact we are often extremely emotionally sensitive, but we lack the emotional and social skills to communicate, and often feel overwhelmed by our own and other's emotions, so we respond with logic, avoidance, shutdown or dissociation and diversion.
It also hurts us to observe this in ourselves, so withdrawal, shutdown and low self esteem are common responses.
Aspie women are still, often, geared to care-give, but we have brains more like neurotypical men than NT women.
We are better than our male Aspie counterparts at "blending in" , because we are still reaping the "social focus" benefit of being female and we study "normal" social cues and behaviours, and thus can more easily "mimic" normal social behaviours. It is very tiring though and requires lots of observing, memorizing and preparing, based on observed norms, rather than innate aptitude, as is the neurotypical female's prerogative.

This is a double edged sword. We are very, very, commonly overlooked as having difficulties, often misdiagnosed, and as such, suffer from the "invisible disability" type syndrome, just like many ptsd sufferers experience.

I suffered from eating disorder, self harm, deep depression, anxiety, was misdiagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, all of this is textbook female aspergers misdiagnosis's and untreated female ASD symptoms.
We are also easy prey for narcs and manipulators, sexual predators and sociopaths, due to our clueless social-emotional wiring and guilelessness.
Dishonesty is not really on our radar, until proven otherwise.
Underhand agendas? Doesn't compute, until we get seriously burnt.
We withdraw, or walk in, blindly, to completely exploititive situations, if not protected, we are some of the easiest prey, who will stay in a bad situation, FOR YEARS, because we don't do change, or understand not-upfront-behaviours, very easily at all.

 

[littleoc]

My twin brother has autism — my mom sent through hell trying to make sure his schedules never changed. And that he had somewhere to go when he panicked. It’s what kids deserve even if they don’t need the extra help.

I can’t imagine what it would be like for someone not on the spectrum to go through that. I know my ex did, and she failed to form good friendships — though by adulthood I suppose that became mostly a her-problem. It must have been so hard on you. You strike me as a social person too (though personal). Someone who would have thrived once you figured out the climate.

Hugs :hug:

 

[somerandomguy]

Can I say ... I'm so proud of you for figuring this out about yourself. I'm sorry you had to live with it without that realization for so long. But I think it's really going to make your life better going forward. :hug:

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you @littleoc and @somerandomguy :) I guess I am, sort of social, in a I-care-about-people way. My brain is very focused on problem solving and learning though, and I haven't much of a clue how to pass as "normal". I got soooo tired trying, that I no longer want to.
Being out in public just emphasizes to me how awkwardly clunky and uncomfortable I am, socially. I'm way worse than I used to be, but not so bad when I'm with my guy, although I was very rude when another Aspie lady I've met before was talking to us, while breastfeeding in front of Big W, in our mall, the other day, I just kept walking. I felt way too embarrassed and weird about her trying to have a conversation, while I was with my guy and her breast was out. I was arm in arm with my guy and he was on the closest side to her and I just propelled us, fast, into the supermarket. I'm so rude and weird, socially, these days.

 

[mumstheword]

Not rude as in mean to people, just in avoiding people, kind of snubbing them and not interacting.

 

[mumstheword]

@somerandomguy , if it wasn't for some awesome Aspie ladies on youtube and other blogs and articles, I would never have suspected, because when I've asked professionals, in the past, if they think I might be on the spectrum, they've come back at me with "No, you're too empathetic to have ASD" and they were just so wrong, so misinformed.

 

[littleoc]

For sure. Autistic people are known for having a lot of empathy, actually, especially for non-human critters in lots of cases, so that is misinformed for sure.

 

[mumstheword]

So it turns out, as an Aspie woman, I have a brain more similar to neurotypical men than neurotypical woman, no wonder I relate to having an "inner bloke" and I find a lot of what's forwarded as "women's movement" rhetoric, utterly irrational and suspect. However, my brain is closer to a NT females than a Autistic Spectrum males.

I have plenty of time for ex muslim feminists, as I see them as having a totally valid perspectives, but western feminists that defend Islam, I absolutely fail to see the congruence of that perspective.

Same with "Liberals" that defend Islam and yet say they are also LGBTQ etc, etc Allies, how does that work?

Western feminists that bang on about "wage gaps" and yet fail to speak out about sharia law and how it fails to grant Islamic women equality nor does it protect women from violence or severely hampered freedom's based on their gender, so how pro women's rights actually are they?

I don't need to be a feminist to care about fairness, social justice and equality.

I can a humanist and speak up for women and policies that protects human rights and freedoms.

I care about children's rights and needs, and (ex)Islamic feminists perspectives more than western feminists "first world problems". I care about homosexual people being targeted by fundi religious types more than I care about "pronoun" "activists" banging on about "pronoun choices".

I care about underdeveloped country's women and children's safety and poverty more than I do about toilets for trans people.

I care more about the safety of women and children and gay people, in general, than I do about Islamic people's hurt feeling's about criticism's about their religion.

I care about women in the military, and women preyed on by a truly patriarchal religious culture (Islam) who are truly experiencing "rape culture" and "rape apologists" more than I care about hysterical college students who go out and get blind drunk, have regretful sex and try to save face by calling it rape and say western culture is full of rapists. Bullcrap, rape is illegal in western countries. We have avenues to seek justice, children don't and neither do women subject to patriarchal Islam.

That's how my Aspie mind works.

 

[Juso]

Hi there! ?So about feminism and Islam: I do think it is important to fully know Islam to understand why people defend it. The last years I have been in contact with this religion a lot and I now know why orientalism, which dehumanizes and demonizes the muslim community, is so widespread. Orientalism is reinforced through media and politics and it feeds off of stereotypes, and off of stereotypes only. Once you get to know muslim people closely, you will first of all realize how much the practice of Islam differs from family to family and second of all, how little dogmatism and the patriarchy has to do with the sacred belief in Allah itself. The sharia has nothing to do with Islam. Terrorism has nothing to do with Islam. Because the religion of Islam in its very essence is about respect, humility, community, sharing and much more.
But mysoginist men (which exist in every community, not only the muslim community) have often been the clerics for the Quran, and so a lot of twisted translations were published. People who benefit from the opression of women - they don't even really study the Quran. You have to speak sophisticated arabic to be able to properly study it. You have to be educated to understand what it is about. But most people just follow dogmatism instead of trying to comprehend the old writings, because its simple and because its a habit. But the Quran was written during a completely different era. So you have to view its content in a specific light to understand it. You may find this Ted Talk interesting:

I guess all I am trying to say is please keep an open mind ?Islam is not the opposite of feminism. I was your opinion too before I got to know the muslim community a bit better and learned a lot about their culture. I am friends with deeply religious muslims and they are some of the most kind hearted, loyal, respectful and intelligent people I know.

 

[Freida]

I had a chance for a sit down with some muslim men at the college I worked at and I was amazed at the difference between what we are taught by the media and our politicians and how they actually live their lives. The biggest surprise was how respectful they were towards women and their explainations for some of their customs. I did not expect that.

I don't think the problem is Islam - I think it is the extremists in any religion who support violence and hate. You find it just as often in Christianity but because that is the primary religion in the US people don't want to admit it. Yet cults abound, pedophiles run wild, women are kept as second class citizens, children are sold into marriages, people are killed for being gay, all the things that the Islamic extremest do. And they use the Bible to justify it. It just doesn't make the nightly news as much because people say "they doesn't represent us. those people are extremists" and they ignore it. I will say it's damn hard to be a non christian in this country - no matter how much people want to believe in the freedom of religion.

It boils down to this --- Hate always finds a way. Religion is just the easiest route.