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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Thanks, @somerandomguy :hug:

On the second or third visit to my house, Brandi was sitting in the living room. We used to have a living room, and a dining room, and a kitchen.

We were playing board games with my sister. We were having a great time. And then, smelling the spaghetti my mom was making, Brandi told me, "Because of my mom's previous boyfriend and his stupid disgusting kids, I hate spaghetti. I'm not going to eat it." I was a pretty great messenger. Even as a young child I was an excellent peacekeeper, able to get between my dad any my siblings easily enough. It was honed in my teenage years, when my little brother wasn't getting any f*cking treatment, and my mom was just ignoring him unless he came out to fight with her. And she kind of just let him, and it was my job to be protective. I had no idea this wasn't normal.

But at 13, I was great at peacekeeping. So, knowing that Brandi relied on me for everything (she couldn't even talk to the man at the Sonic Drive through to get ice cream, and I understood that from my own younger childhood), I went to tell my mom for Brandi.

My mom was in the kitchen getting the noddles started, because the sauce has been going for six hours and she hoped that would be enough this time.

Brandi's mom never cooked. Brandi lived on a diet of fast food and sketchy meat products she would heat up for dinner, while home alone as an eight-year-old, because her mom worked nights and going to her dad's house was punishment for crying. Her dad would leave Brandi with her stepmom, who would beat her and leave knives under her pillow. When Brandi asked for help, she was ignored, until her mom suddenly beat up her step mom. No charges were pressed on either side.

Knowing this, you might think it's weird that Brandi bragged that my childhood was worse than hers. You'd think she'd be more sensitive. I was very sensitive of her issues. She viewed mine as a game.

With this in mind, I told my mom that Brandi didn't like spaghetti. "Brandi does like hotdogs, though," and so my mom said very politely, "Okay, I'll make her a hotdog. Microwave okay?"

I went back to Brandi and asked her. She thought about it. She had a shy smile and looked like she wasn't sure what to say. "Can I have two?"

I went back and told my mom, "Two microwaved hotdogs are okay." My mom nodded and started getting those ready.

I went back to the living room. I told Brandi, "My mom makes really good tomato sauce, though. It's not like the canned or jarred ones. She makes food that's so good that even my cousin, who hates chili, loved my mom's tomato chili. You'd probably really like it."

She thought about it. "I feel bad now. I don't want to make Ms. Kitten" [what she called my mom] "go out of her way for me."

I assured her that my mom didn't mind. It was true. But then I asked, "Do you want to try the spaghetti, at least? I really think you'd like it."

"Sure," she said, so when I went to the kitchen to get our dinners, I put two hotdogs on her plate and some spaghetti.

My mom started, seemingly out of nowhere, screaming about it. Not screaming, really, because Brandi didn't hear her. But my mom was angry at me. I couldn't understand it because she'd been happy to help a moment ago. I got scared. I didn't know what to do so I just agreed with my mom and brought the food to Brandi, who said thanks and tried to cooking like normal.

My mom has been angry about this ever since and called Brandi an ungrateful child. She did this often. I did not defend her because I was confused and couldn't understand why my mom was overreacting. She never explained.

Keep in mind that I had not had a normal meal at all at this point, so I didn't know that I was being frustrating.
 
It got really out of hand after that. I kept so many secrets from my mom already, but her reactions were so unpredictable. I didn't know what I was going to get in trouble for or what I wasn't. I tried to tell her at one point that it was important for me, at age 14, to have clear boundaries, like I did in the first hospital I went to. I needed to know how to follow the rules.

She basically told me that we had no more rules. Alex was gone. There are no more rules.

Two of her kids nearly died. I started hoarding medications and taking them in huge doses at night. I took half a bottle of clonodine at one point. I managed to get a surgery to be done on a mole that I claimed was hurting so that insurance would pay for, and doctors would make me, enjoy pain medications and the relaxing gas before the surgery itself. They knocked me out and I started craving the flavor of the gas for years afterward.

It wasn't a drug problem. But it could have been. And my mom would have enabled it. Two of my siblings almost died from being enabled and ignored.

You would think that someone who had her f*cking cancer medications stolen by my dad would think to stop that kind of behavior. At least I wasn't stealing medications. I only took what was prescribed. I still do.
 
I was going to talk about a flashback I've been having all month, but I kind of woke up depressed and feeling misplaced so I think I should stop while I'm ahead.

Just be warned that I'm probably going to talk about it today or tomorrow. It's about the pedophile f*cking a dog. Sorry about that. (Not sorry sorry, exactly, but sorry you'll read it if you do, and sorry to prove that things are dark.

f*ck you, Ms. Black haired teacher who made every dark thing I said mean that I was the one causing problems at home. "Some kids are just born not right," yeah, it was you. You weren't born right.)
 
Ending on a good note that I've been putting off saying:

My doctor told me several weeks ago that my nipples survived. That's random on your end, but on my end I know that pedophile tried to cut them off. Bite them off. Sort of both. It was a bloody mess. It's because my breasts were starting to grow.

I assumed they were gone. Brandi did too. Brandi wouldn't touch them. She said they were gross, and she was jealous that I knew what a dick felt like and she didn't.

The doctor was checking something else, but after three of them came in to confirm for the trillionth time that I don't have cancer (I've had enough scares to make a cancer worry seem sort of mundane if I weren't such an anxious tart), she told me that while one nipple is missing a bit on the edge, it's not gone. And the other nipple healed so well that it's even still there. Which means he probably just took the skin off on that one. Three doctors told me that they think they look healthy enough. The male doctor explained that nipples (even in men) will invert after trauma, and that's probably what I saw.

The lady doctors then explained some therapies to get them to not be inverted. She said the part-nipple is inverted but the other one is just flat. She thinks it's very possible that breast feeding won't be an issue, minus the mild nerve damage that keeps me from wearing seatbelts properly.

Plus, when I breastfeed, it's possible the nipples will fix on their own once a baby latches. It might be a challenge with the inverted one, but plenty of women have figured it out by themselves over several thousand years, so it's no thing to worry about.

I tried the therapies (we agreed that the piercing therapy would be too traumatic for me and it would increase risk of infections and such anyway) and am feeling much more normal.

I bet if I can get my breasts to shrink after hormones are balanced(?), they'll be even more normal. Currently I have fifteen pounds of boob. I weigh 145, and the doctor says that's fine because I'm not too skinny nor too large, it's just that these boobs are here. Small frame, though, so they are killing me. That back brace has saved my life! :p They are annoying. I just want to be able to sleep on my belly :( I'm trying several therapies to get them to stop but I'm really considering surgery if it it won't scar too badly or accidentally mess with child rearing later.
 
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A less-fun fact:

Isn't it interesting how humans feel so lonely? Harvard scientists examined an unexplanable object that passed into our solar system recently at an odd speed and which was shaped like a sail. One of the hypotheses, though they say this one is unlikely, is that it is a spacecraft like out New Horizons (which took beautiful pictures of Pluto) -- that is, it might be an interplanetary space probe gathering data about our solar system by an alien civilization.

There was so much disappointment from the community that the hypothesis was too unsupported to be a good enough explanation for the object right now. It's so interesting. It's like the entire human race, collectively, wants to know it's not alone. Like the entire thing is feeling lonely and is looking for their purpose in someone else.

It's weird, because the human race isn't particularly mature when it comes to meeting new races and new species. No species on Earth is mature. No species on Earth ever will be, except fungi and orchids. To put it simply. Aliens would see humans as a keystone species, no doubt, but they would see trees that way even more so. Plants rule this world. If you discount single cells, which an alien race would both care about and not focus completely on. And yet humans feel lonely and barely notice them.

It's probably because humans aren't fully satisfied with being the smartest. And being successful even without technology, but some being in good enough places for some pretty complicated tools. There are a ton of intelligent species on Earth, but humans are bad at seeing it, because it's a certain type of intelligence they're looking for -- not emotional either. Which seems both adorably human and also like a contradiction to human nature.

Also, finding aliens would be f*cking sweet, let's not take that other stuff too seriously in light of how exciting it would actually be to find something out there!

It's weird enough that all live on Earth came from one ancestor, and then stopped getting formed -- life had to start coming from other life at some point. Weird stuff.

I bet it was a few cells. I bet they traded genes. Assuming they all had the same type of molecules making up their RNA, lol.

I need to find a science job already, it cheers me up to think, even when I'm being melodramatic and pseudophilosophical
 
littleoc said:
I'm terrified of being caught with opinions and enjoying things I like. I
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Let me go on record and say I LOVE your opinions - especially about things you enjoy. LOVE them.
littleoc said:
Sorry about that. (Not sorry sorry, exactly, but sorry you'll read it if you do, and sorry to prove that things are dark.
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Oh hun you don't need to be sorry. What he did was horrible but it's, sadly, not uncommon for people to have sex with animals. Some do it willingly because they get pleasure from it and some force others to do it because they get pleasure from that part of the act. And if it was dark and scary and horrible? This is YOUR diary. Write what you need....we can read or not.
littleoc said:
but on my end I know that pedophile tried to cut them off. Bite them off. Sort of both.
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Holy crap. Just when I think you've reached end of horrible things he did to you - another one pops up. I'm so sorry he did that to you :hug:
 

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