Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[littleoc]

Okay, that’s enough chatting. I’m tired. I hope everyone has a lovely night :) :) :) (:

 

[Freida]

Maybe my mom thought most men were mean and maybe sister’s dad was unusually nice in her eyes?

very strong possibility. Which is really sad..

 

[mumstheword]

You know, littleoc. I wouldn't be surprised if your mum is autistic too.
The things you've said about her, her inability to cope with her domestic situation, her social cluelessness and relative defensivelessness against abusive men. It really would make sense that she is on the spectrum. The abuse and trauma on top of her brain processing difficulties would make coping with interpersonal stuff, parental and domestic responsibilites really challenging.
Also, not getting that who she was with was really harmful and toxic to her and her kids and that they were deceptive, is very classic Aspie stuff.
Just sayin' ...
Maybe, coz of my current self awareness about my own Aspieness and how I obsess about stuff (yes, I'm obsessing about ASD at the moment) means I'm seeing it everywhere now, but, maybe, just maybe, it's something to consider and investigate? It might help.

 

[ILoveLife]

Not dying is not exactly parenting, it's surviving. I don't blame your mom at all for the relationships she chose, not at all. But maybe the reasons why you internalized and turn things towards yourself is because you still can't put the responsibility where it lays.

I'm not talking about blame, blaming her, or accusing, etc. I'm talking about parenting responsibility, they have it regardless of their live's circunstances.

Just a thought.
Have a restful night. :hug:

 

[littleoc]

You have a point. @mumstheword

My mom has had suspicions about being autistic as well. She knew what it looked like in her son, so I suppose she’d be familiar enough with whatever type my brother has (whichever part on the spectrum makes you have to be taught what a laugh sounds like). My mom laughs so she’d be more likely to be Aspie.

When she discussed it with me she refused therapy when I said it might help diagnose it or make sense of it. Maybe she’d get treated better in the workplace. She gets bullied a lot. And doesn’t seem to be able to find out what’s going on. I never witness it so I can’t comment.

I seriously don’t get how my mom doesn’t have PTSD. But I’m sure she has SOMETHING from the trauma. She sure as crap sucks at coping and emotional regulation.

Plus her mom was a problem. An actual one. Died while taking revenge on her kids. (Long story.) Compared her breasts to my mom’s all the time. Routinely “stole” my mom’s husbands and boyfriends for shits and giggles. (As in she’d seduce them and then brag to my mom about it and how they thought she looked young.) Even messed with my aunt’s wife to gain the benefit of free cooking from her.

She did much worse stuff than that, in all honesty, but it’s not good to talk about right now. But to children she was delightful. And she was kind in many ways and also got robbed once of presents she used her last paycheck on for her grandkids. She is too confusing to talk about in this diary easily but I probably will within the next year. Point is, though, that my mom could be Aspie and could also have been confused by her terrible veteran dad and straight up confusing malicious mother. Not a good mix for anyone. And growing up in the sixties without any mental health assistance must have been something else

 

[littleoc]

Not dying is not exactly parenting, it's surviving. I don't blame your mom at all for the relationships she chose, not at all. But maybe the reasons why you internalized and turn things towards yourself is because you still can't put the responsibility where it lays.

I'm not talking about blame, blaming her, or accusing, etc. I'm talking about parenting responsibility, they have it regardless of their live's circunstances.

Just a thought.
Have a restful night. :hug:

Do I understabd correctly? She’s not to blame but is also responsible?

Thank you. When night happens for you in my morning, sleep well!! :D

 

[ILoveLife]

Blame is not responsibility. Blame is accusatory, responsability is the ability to own what's ours and what's on another.

It's a huge responsibility to have kids, but no one is to blame for having kids right?

 

[littleoc]

I will have to think on that.

Thank you :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Ok, I wasn't sure if I should do this, but I think this needs to be said.

I'm sure I'm not the only one here that can say I'm really worried about you being in that house.

I don't want to trigger you already in a fragile state, but this tip toeing around you isn't helping you either.

Friday said on your other thread something that's absolutely true. You're in an "I'm still being abused so I take everything and hide it so I don't embarass people around me" mindset.

I do not think your mom is abusing you, but I do think she's stuck - and making you stuck with her - in a "I'm still being abused" place.
It's not helpful for you or her to be stuck in that place. The result? The actually living situation and all the health concerns that it's causing on you, her and your pets.

I'm not sure your twin is not reacting to that. Maybe he got married with that person because it's a gateway out.
But you stick by things and help until you're unable to help anymore. I also agree with what Friday said that hiding it is not helping it.

I'm worried that you don't tell your T things because your mom knows your T. Damn, girl, she can't control your therapy ok? She really can't. It's possibly not her fault, but you need treatment away from all that. It should be a safe space away from all that.

I was talking about responsibility. Even with a mental illness, whatever mental illness it is, it's the person's responsibility to take care of themselves. She cannot, I'm repeating, she cannot rely on her children to do that for her, it's not fair on her already traumatized children with further trauma.

That was the boundary I put when I came living with my mom, "I take care of my mental health and you take care of yours." It wouldn't work out without that boundary, and when that boundary fails you know what happens.

Mental illness should never act as an excuse for anything, and not in this case. It's not an excuse. There's always a sense of right and wrong, there's always a way to make things work.

The responsibility of your family's well being does not lay on you, it shouldn't.
Your responsibility is over yourself and your pets. You can help sure, with distance enough so it doesn't affect you, but enmeshing yourself in this kind of situation in an already fragile state of mind is not helping you, and I fear it can hinder you for longer than you think right now it will.

I'm here saying this because I think the only person right now you can really help is yourself.
You can move out and help from a distance, you don't have to stay in that situation. Find a roommate, share a place, go to your sisters'. You're not abandoning your mother, you're putting up the boundary that you don't accept that for yourself - that's self-preservation.
I'd shelter you here if I could, but I'm on the other side of the ocean.

I'm seriously worried, and I think you should be too. Not triggered, worried about yourself, putting your wellbeing and your pets' first and dealing with it with self appreciation, not more sacrifice. You have sacrificed yourself enough.

Ok. I'm done.
I'm sorry if I triggered you, but I don't think I should keep this to myself. I respect you way too much for that, and care way too much about you.
I'm not even pulling out my feather duster, I'm seriously concerned.

 

[somerandomguy]

I agree with everything @Sietz wrote.

 

[mumstheword]

I really do too. It's really not an environment that's doing good for your health littleoc. I know you love and care for your mum, but she's an adult and needs to be accountable and take responsibility for herself. We've watched you suffer and suffer in that place, get sicker and have to swallow your feelings and suppress your words and we are worried that it's going to harm our beautiful friend more and more. I'm sure I speak for everyone that cares for you here when I say, we are, pretty much, all going to do a happy dance when you get out of that place.

 

[Freida]

Yes! What @Sietz and @mumstheword said!
Adding -- taking care of you isn't abandoning your mom. It's putting you in a better head place so you can help her more effectively.

I had to do this with my brother. I thought what I was doing was helping, but it was really enabling. It was HARD to walk away -- HARD. And I needed to get counseling to help me see I was doing the best thing for both of us. Which, looking back, it was. It came at a cost - he's still pissed at me. But his life is much better because he was forced to take responsibility for himself for the first time at 40.

You aren't abandoning her. You are helping her find her own path without relying on you to set it out for her.