blame and shame

[Invisible Fire]

Please move if this is the wrong place. I have noticed a lot of people on here have experienced trauma in childhood. I don't remember a before and was abused on many levels. My earliest memory I was maybe 3. I ignored many things for many years. Until it all came crashing down. Now I'm confused. Lost. I'm not sure who I really am. If I would be 'me' if I would of been raised "normal". I don't know what my point is but how do I not share some of the blame? Because I was young? Confused? Because of the chaos, fear,and isolation? The shame I feel for not running and shouting to everyone and for not protecting myself is overwhelming. I have read so many things about why I shouldn't blame myself. But its like a living thing inside me. I think of what happened for so many years and I'm embarrassed. Then I'm angry at myself for being embarrassed. It wasn't my fault is what I'm supposed to believe. But, how do you convince yourself that you had no control? Sorry for the small rant, I am trying to stop being negative and thought this might help.

 

[piratelady]

I probably could have written this same post, as a lot of us here could. I’ve been told I was a child, I didn’t know better, but it’s hard to accept that.

I don’t really have any advice or insight, just know you’re not alone in feeling that way.

 

[Freida]

Children are NEVER to blame for their abuse. I don't care how rotten or disobedient or horrible they are told they are. They are NEVER to blame.

How do you convince yourself? Therapy. Lots o' therapy. You have to unprogram your mind - to see the truth instead of the lies you were taught to believe :hug:

 

[Friday]

All of my trauma is in my adulthood. A pretty hefty portion of it IS my fault. From start to finish. A few other pieces there’s blame enough to go around, and my bit varies.

You know what’s interesting? None of ^that^ affects me like the shit I blame myself for that ISN’T my fault. :meh:

For some reason, trying to take blame that ISN’T yours? Is kind of corrosive. It twists and warps things, seeps into other areas, almost infects things that have nothing to do with it.

One of the things that helps me differentiate fault that’s mine vs not mine? IS that effect.
- Actually my fault? Shrug. It can get hard, but it’s reasonably hard.
- Not my fault I’m laying claim to as mine? <Insert claws and screaming, pain and anguish, despair and disgust, helplessness and rage, fear and grief> It is out of the world dramatic in its effects. And like I said above, corrosive as f*ck.

One of the things that helps me deal with it? Turn it around. If it wasn’t fault but CREDIT, would I take someone else’s bragging rights? Claim their successes as mine? No? Then why the hell am I trying to lay claim to their failures, f*ckups, and evil deeds as my own? Creates kind of a mental record screech. That? Is theirs. It is NOT mine to lay claim to. Good or Bad. They own it. Not me.

Like I said? My trauma was all in adult land. So you can turn it around that way, you can also turn it around another way.

Could you honestly walk into a preschool, beat the shit out of a 3yo, or rape them, or starve them, scream at them, throw them into a wall, etc... and then blame THEM? Could you? Is there any universe in which that child is to blame for what an adult chose to do to them? There isn’t. And yet, that kid would probably blame themselves. Because that’s what kids do. If it happened to them, it’s theirs. Nope. ((It’s actually a developmental stage... and a lot of funny stuff has been written about it Toddler Property Laws is a great example (be sure to check out #5 If it’s mine, it must never in any way appear to be yours! -sound familiar?-... but just because a kid says it’s theirs? Doesn’t mean it is.))

Kids? Are NEVER to blame for what adults do to them. Ever. Because they’re kids.

 

[Invisible Fire]

I don’t really have any advice or insight, just know you’re not alone in feeling that way.

Thank you. It makes me sad that there are others that feel this way. Yet, it is calming to know I am not alone, and that it isn’t something that makes me any stranger than I already feel

Kids? Are NEVER to blame for what adults do to them. Ever. Because they’re kids.

Wow @Friday. Lots of great points! Thank you for your reply. Hard to argue with what you said about going into a preschool. Usually I can say “yeah but” , you stumped me

 

[EveHarrington]

I think this is one of those times that the inner child concept can really help. How would you react if a child came to you and told you about their abuse? Would you blame them? Shame them? Or would you want to scoop them up into your arms, hug them, tell them they are loved, and make them feel safe? The inner child concept helps us direct this love, care, and concern towards ourselves because we are then able to see our abused parts as worthy of compassion, not blame and shame.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think as adults we cannot think as we did as children, nor see the world through their eyes or feel and reason from that place, even through memory. Just as children cannot think or see from the perspective of adults.

 

[Freida]

One of the things that helps me deal with it? Turn it around. If it wasn’t fault but CREDIT, would I take someone else’s bragging rights? Claim their successes as mine? No? Then why the hell am I trying to lay claim to their failures, f*ckups, and evil deeds as my own? Creates kind of a mental record screech. That? Is theirs. It is NOT mine to lay claim to. Good or Bad. They own it. Not me.

Holy crap thats briliant

 

[PreciousChild]

Some really good thoughts here. The thought that I had that's similar to yours when I was a young adult was why did I betray myself? I would constantly berate myself for having chosen my dad over myself. When I was 3, he told me I was chewing my food ungratefully, so he told me to turn around and face the other wall. When I didn't hear anything, I turned to find that he took my mom and 2 siblings and left the house, and didn't come back until the next morning to teach me a lesson. That was just the earliest memory, and that was just the start of a whole lot of pain, both psychological and physical. As I grew, I became his perfect servant and basically sacrificed my childhood to serve his every little need even through college. Anyhoo, I was so grateful to learn from the books on complex ptsd that what I did wasn't about me being a shameful, little coward, but what it took to help me survive. Three olds can't survive on their own, so losing the love of a parent is as dangerous to survival as an adult facing down a lion or gun. So we do whatever it takes to shape ourselves into what our parents want no matter how much it harms ourselves. But we grow and can survive as an adult without repressing our needs to the point of distortion. But it's not so easy to unlearn all those awful ways of surviving.