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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Things Brandi did that my actual friends didn't do (or an actual girlfriend wouldn't do):
  • Expect me to do things on command, such as go in and buy her gasoline because she was afraid of the cashier.
    • Expect me to also not take in my service dog because I'm "clearly relying on her in an unhealthy way" and then later claiming that if she knew I was stressed, she wouldn't have asked me -- saying when I said this, "Well now you're making me feel bad. You have communication issues." I did, but not about this. I clearly said I wouldn't go in without my service dog. Not sure that that's hard to understand or respect, especially if I were doing a favor.
      • I was not doing a favor. I was following a command.
  • Expect me to be okay with cheating on me with someone from middle school.
    • expect me to not only not be angry, but also be willing to keep it a secret that we ever had "sex."
    • expect me to agree, in all seriousness, that she was a virgin, because sex with me doesn't count.
    • expect me to be willing to give up all my things to go to Jamie after I came back from Belize.
    • expect ME to change MY behavior about being angry if I want to keep the "friendship."
      • agree to keep uncomfortable secrets
      • accept that fact that even though I was worried about Brandi's safety because the last time Brandi and Jamie dated they abused each other so badly that they both were in danger, regularly, because Brandi had no ability to emotionally regulate, and Jamie killed baby animals and lied about getting raped by various men in her life even if she had never actual even met the man in person (including accusing her brother of abuse despite the fact that she literally duct-taped him to a chair) -- but if I showed concern it was because I was trying to emotionally manipulate Brandi so I could force her to stay with me
        • which I knew at the time was stupid and absurd -- I'd had several of my friends give me advise to not date certain people and I knew it was unhealthy to be THAT insistent on being in love with someone who is financially abusive already before Brandi cheated
  • Expect regular gifts
  • Expect me to be willing to perform sexual favors at any time
    • but I can't expect anything back, because I was gross for having been raped
    • tell everyone that we are not actually dating because of this
    • insist that she is truly a virgin because I don't count as a person
  • Tell me that my views are "wrong" because they don't match everyone else's
    • That I see people as nice things is only because I am naive and in need of Brandi's guidance
  • Insist that I have no backbone and must be taught how to live in society
    • attribute any improvements to myself
  • Not like me as a human, and attempt to make me more interesting
    • take games and stories and make them literally into real life as much as possible
  • Get angry when I was upset
  • Expect me to be emotionally available for all of her problems
  • Expect me to keep no secrets
  • Expect me to have no boundaries
  • Expect me to consider abuse as tough love
    • including being hit, pushed, punched, pinned to walls, etc.
    • finding these bad, and confronting her, she said, "You are weak" and "I was just playing."
  • Expect me to cut family members out of my life if they didn't like her
  • Accuse me of abuse frequently without explaining why
  • Expect me to be fine with texts that say "I hate you" --
    • and I should feel bad if this annoys me because she is allowed to express herself and is allowed to say what she wants, and she "doesn't understand why the world is so against me because I just want to say how I feel and everyone keeps taking offense" because she feels that she is victimized by other people "misunderstanding her"
    • YET OTHER PEOPLE MUST LITERALLY WORSHIP HER
      • BECAUSE SHE IS LITERALLY A GODDESS, SHE SAYS
  • Accuse me daily of being insane, psychopathic, a psychological liar, a selfish person intent only on stalking her and trying to rule her life, etc.
  • Sexual abuse
    • explaining to Jamie that if Brandi has any STD it's because I was raped and it has nothing to do with Brandi at all

There's more, I just started getting angry so I quit.

Some good times fail to outweigh these qualities. I am unable to be the friend of someone who purposefully manipulated me for years, forced me to not have other friends besides her because she couldn't manage her own jealousy, and etc.

It's all so annoying because I KNEW these were all bad traits the entire time. I KNEW it wasn't fine. When we started becoming friends, I highly considered against it because I thought Brandi was a Debbie Downer because she was always depressed, and her depression was WEIRDLY contagious (but I couldn't understand why).

But Brandi told me shortly after that I don't have friends because I am strange and unable to make friends without her help. My sister told me that I must quickly get a friend before high school or else I would be the weird lonely kid and I would never succeed in life (despite the fact that my goal was to get in college, not to be okay in high school).

So I started thinking that I was being weird and should befriend her. And then I became emotionally dependent on her because we were playing a slave game. I was a slave. Literally. And I wasn't allowed to drink water.

And when I said that that wasn't all real she f*cking went insane on me and it was terrifying. She spent a year hitting me in classrooms while Mr. Hatcher watched judgmentally and threw tennis balls at my face. And Brandi thought that was hilarious and Fate (a NOT REAL CHARACTER) was on her side about the issue. And her shoulder troll broke my bracelet. Even though she DOESN'T EXIST.

Nah, but I was the weird one. I was the one who needed her to rehabilitate me into behaving like a human. I was the one who was strange and odd.

And I thought I would be strong enough to deal with her. I felt that my optimism was a trait of me being an idiot. And real humans aren't like that. Because my mom was like Brandi too, so it must be true that I'm the f*cked up one.
 
Ah, here's some more lovely stuff.

Brandi only liked Fungus. Because Fungus was her therapist. Why not.

Brandi hated me. She was jealous of me and make it clear that I should not be allowed to have friends, teachers should not like me more than they like her (how was I supposed to fix that??? Not my fault you're a rude, adult-hating, dysfunctional fiend who only graduated because I helped), I couldn't act smarter than her -- and I couldn't go to University.

Or complain that Brandi was ABUSING MY BIRD. WHO ABUSES A BIRD? SERIOUSLY? "Oh she was screaming all the time and it was making my mom and I angry" WELL WHAT DO YOU f*ckING KNOW A SCARED, NEGLECTED BIRD WAS SCREAMING? HOW F*CKING STRANGE.

MY FATHER IS A PSYCHOPATH AND HE TOOK BETTER CARE OF MY BIRD. MY FATHER WAS WILLING TO TAKE IN MY BIRD AND GIVE ME TEXT UPDATES AND FEED HER REGULARLY EVEN THOUGH HE THINKS LIKE A THIRD GRADER AND HAD TO BE REMINDED OCCASIONALLY. THAT'S RIGHT, A PSYCHOPATH. CARED FOR A BIRD. BETTER THAN YOU. YOU F*CKING c*nt.

PRETTY SURE MY DAD TOOK CARE OF CHILDREN BETTER THAN YOU WOULD, BRANDI. I saw you f*cking beat your dog for chewing on something and peeing when you hadn't taken him out for two days because it was "cold."

Pretty sure my hedgehog died because of you.

And she hated my dad and tried to force me to never talk to him. Force me. With violence. Because she didn't like the time she saw him in short shorts, I guess. But she was JUST LIKE HIM. Except had some empathy. Sort of. She "felt bad" for things but that's because I was "guilt tripping" her.

The first time we ever had a fight in 2009 it was because I was "guilt tripping" her.

When we were late going to a movie and therefore picking her up would make us miss the previews, she f*cking blamed me and went into a rant saying "I was looking forward to this all day, but whatever. I can see I'm not a priority to you. I'll spend my day being depressed like I already was."

But I was guilt tripping? f*cking how?

I forgot my original train of thought for writing this.
 
I'd just like to take a moment to emphasize one more time that my bird recovered while living with a psychopath.

Who was bringing in another psychopath (who has killed animals in front of her two autistic twin sons because she was paranoid enough to think that they were watching her through them) to sing at my bird.

My bird bit my dad to the bone once but she came out of living in his nasty ass cold apartment feeling way more trustful than when she lived with Brandi.

Ain't that nice.

If I complained then I was making Brandi "feel bad." What a sin. To make someone feel bad. For abusing animals. Bird. Birds who have brittle bones and starve after 24 hours without food. Who talk because they are social. Terrible to accuse someone of that. How dare I.

"Oh by the way, could you f*ck me, since you're being such a grump about this and it's making me grumpy?"

Lovely friend I had. Too bad I lost that.

She was lucky to have me. She's unlucky to have lost me.
 
That actually felt nice to get out. I wasn't allowed to talk about it.

I should have known that it was okay to get mad about that. I came back from Belize to see my bird the most depressed I had ever seen her. Looking at me with a "keep me covered and get me out of here" face. Heartbreaking, that was. My little rescue needing more rescuing. f*cking ridiculous.

All made worse because Brandi cheated on me OUT OF NOWHERE with Jamie, WHO WAS ENGAGED TO A MAN, BY THE WAY, AND INSISTED THAT SHE WAS NOT ONLY STRAIGHT BUT STRAIGHT UP NOT INTERESTED IN SEX WITH BRANDI. And Brandi only cares about sex. That's it.

It was in every conversation. I was commanded to do weird things. All my stories had to have a way for her to have sex. She was obsessed with it and dangerous about it.

I admitted this to my friend Austin at one point and he straight up interrupted me to say, "Get out of there, go home. People don't do that to each other." This struck me most because Austin is an activist, a Meninist, but Brandi insisted that her sexual appetite was because she was secretly a man. Austin told me she was lying to me. It scared me. I knew Brandi was abusing me but I didn't know that there was sexual abuse. I was so ashamed.

Austin probably saved my life. I should text him and ask him how he's doing. I wonder if he'd want to Skype some time. He's one of my favorite humans on the planet. Plus his SO broke up with him recently because he had a cold sore, so I bet he could use the reassurance that that was shallow.
 
Me too. Except the only time I really punched someone was about two years ago, and it was an accident and I still feel bad

It was Nestle, lol. A pen (maybe glass?) was rolling off my desk in a dorm room so as it fell I grabbed it and made a fist around it but stupidly my hand kept going and I ACCIDENTLY HIT MY DOG. AND THEN SHE YELPED AND HER TAIL WENT DOWN and her face read “I dunno what I did but I’m sorry anyway” and I was like “NESTLE NO WHY WOULD I EVER PUNCH YOU IT WAS AN ACCIDENT NOOOOO” it still makes me sad

She forgave me luckily

But on that note, one time I’d just finished a training session with Nestle, and she was chillin feeling smart I hope, so I decided to go get my bird. So Dove was feeling grumpy because she hadn’t slept well that day, so when I reached in she got annoyed and bit me pretty hard. Obviously the appropriate reaction is to quietly close the cage and let her chill cuz she clearly doesn’t want to come out right now, leave a message at the tone please. But I was in doggy-training mindset so without thinking I casually booped Dove’s nose and said, “No, ma’am.”

She looked like she was going to destroy my family and save me for last

Plus had this confused face like “bitch I wasn’t going to fite u I just want to nap, omg”

I like Dove, she’s my role model
 
Fun fact: Nestle has a word that seems to recall a memory!

A time Nestle met a puppy that was off leash while she was on duty. It was odd because this puppy was the size of my hand (and I have small hands) and could barely walk! D:

The puppy tried to talk and it sounded like “awoo” so I kept saying “awoo” while Nestle started crying a little because she wanted to have the lil newborn pupper but also was 60lbs at the time and so was being told not to by me just in case.

Then we found the owner of the tiny guy and that was that

But now every time Nestle hears the word “awoo” she gets REALLY EXCITED and it’s funny. I think she remembers the pupper!
 

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