Shame and self-perception on sex

[ILoveLife]

I'm sorry if the following post is uncomfortable.

I recently "seen" the whole My Trauma Shabang History with a new perspective, and noticed how little by little I was influenced to think that if I'm not sexual there is no value to my person.

This led to some disputing this irrational thought, which led to remembering and ending some denial I had over things that happened in my past.
Started in July when I found a pic of myself when I was 5, naked on a boat, with adults who I shouldn't be naked with. I don't have answers to this picture, and my mother didn't like it either but said very little about it, mostly because she wasn't present for it and my father was and she doesn't want to jump to conclusions on what he did or didn't do to me back then. He had... problematic sexual boundaries with me, so it's easy to mislabel things when our minds are hammers and everything seems like a nail.

And I kinda had a aha-moment on which I understood that my body has been publicly exposed against my will since then.

This is kinda hard to admit, but when I was in a very violent and sexually abusive relationship in my early 20's, he conviced me to not only pose nude as he also conviced me to be filmed (porn). He also filmed the first rape.

I feel guilty about that, I don't think I really wanted it, but I at the same time I think I did, but I'm incredibly embarassed about it and am shameful of showing my body now because it isn't "up to those standards" from back then.
It's a whole lot of confusion in my head. I'm sorry if this isn't exactly out-of-my-control trauma, but I do feel like it affects me more than I realized.

Since this relationship ended there are hardly any pictures of myself - not even my face - that I don't take myself. The only person I really allow to photograph me is me. Not even family, fully clothed and all. There are some pictures from when I was in a very bad shape before being hospitalized, but they took it to show me when I got better, which I appreciate but am also ashamed of and think it's weird people wanted to take pictures of me in such a bad shape. It's like stopping to watch a car wreck.

Ok sorry, back on topic, so I feel immense shame. I need to accept this happened, that he has this pictures and videos and move on from it. It's been way too long, his disc could've been fried by now and he lost it all, he could've deleted it, all sorts of stuff could've happen such as he posting it online too, which I'm trying not to think about.

Regardless, I'm incredibly ashamed of having allowed it. I'm ashamed of myself, my body and my sexual presence in relationships. I feel like a whore and I feel exploited at the same time.
How to change this mindset and accept this happened, as my own responsibility on the matter?

Thanks for reading and any input, and sorry about the topic.

 

[Kubash16]

I think I get where you are coming from. I am extremely familiar with shame. From about 7/8 I was essentially nothing more than a toy, a blow up doll. Most things ended when I was 12 because the main monster died. But another monster perpetuated some things afterward. There is also the potential for another monster from when I was 9 that I should really talk to T about but I can’t seem to say it out loud because that one is very convoluted and hard to admit that I could allow it to happen with yet another person. It’s also incredibly shameful to think of the things monster #1 did that I genuinely liked. That one is really hard. The worst part is after he died and I managed to split from monster #2 for awhile is I perpetuated those things myself through almost daily porn because I can’t fall asleep without at least just listening to it and getting around with every boy who showed any kind of attention. I don’t even know all their names. I feel extremely shameful and disgusted with myself. Especially since I married someone who then became my niece’s monster. I absolutely hate myself for not seeing who he was and what was happening.

 

[ILoveLife]

I'm dealing with this though.
There's the issue of me taking full responsibility for my not-so-well-in-the-head decisions, and there's the issue of doing so while in an abusive situation, and doing so while going through a very disorganized recovery from drug addiction while still drinking copious amounts of booze, and all the other core beliefs pointed out to me in my diary relating this subject.

I think first thing's first, in order to deal with the core beliefs, I need to accept my lack of control - and responsibility over the choices I made then - over the above situation. If I wasn't in control, it was a non-choice.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Sietz - Please don't be sorry for the topic. It is an important one and very complex. Shame/blame is something, I fear, a good many of us are dealing with as abuse survivors. I know it is a HUGE hurdle for me. It keeps me stuck, absolutely, and is something I deal with every day.

I have found it helpful to do some reading on coercion in relationships and to consider how that really works. It might be one aspect of your scenario for you to consider, especially as it relates to activities you engaged in as an adult/young adult and your resulting responsibility/shame paradigm. Also, please consider the power of what you experienced as a child and how it impacted your thought patterns/core beliefs and behavior patterns at the time.

I'm coming to understand that I engaged in a lot of regrettable behaviors because of what I experienced as a child and a lot of what I was "told" as a child, and the power of that on my psyche/belief system that then lead to unhealthy thought patterns and behavior patterns which has resulted in a lot of poor decision making and consequent damage.

This, coupled with the coercion piece is significant. I was very naïve when I met my ex. He groomed me by exposing me to certain things, constantly insisted/whined about certain activities he wanted to engage in, and imposed conditional scenarios on me - I heard a lot of "If you loved me...." statements. Paradoxical, as I was also afraid of him, yet that's how I was raised. I had my own baggage too regarding worth, appearance, acceptability, and a fear of rejection/abandonment. He told me/showed me that he loved me and I believed him. I had a strange understanding of "love" back then and was desperate to belong to someone in that way. The other piece just seemed to be part of the deal to me, so I just did as expected/instructed.

Getting a grasp, even if only tenuous, on these pieces of the puzzle has helped me to better understand what has happened across my lifespan and why I still have certain proclivities in my thinking/behaviors. They are not excuses for decisions that I've made or will make, sober or not, but they do help me to understand and provide a foundation upon which to build a healthier mindset and life. Maybe think about self-forgiveness as well?

I hope some of this might have been helpful to you. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and am sending supportive hugs if that is okay. Please take care of yourself. VB

 

[ILoveLife]

I have found it helpful to do some reading on coercion in relationships

Thank you. It wasn't really coercion in the sense of threats though, so I went and searched a bit about it, and it could be considered coercion by manipulation? I don't know... like Freida said, semantics.

I found this, which can be useful, reading it now:
The Ethics of Manipulation (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

 

[ILoveLife]

Well, sometimes there were threats. But mostly manipulation.

 

[Ronin]

sometimes there were threats.

Those sometimes are enough, though.

Does not change much that you agreed that concrete moment, when what you remembered of the overall pattern is the threats, and the doubts of What ifs / What if you do not go with it that one moment, if they were present in the relationship even once.

 

[ILoveLife]

That makes sense @Ronin

 

[Ronin]

all sorts of stuff could've happen such as he posting it online too, which I'm trying not to think about.

If so, you could demand it be taken down, sue him for it and have that as a rather concrete evidence, or get it charged as free porn that should not be free, and as it is already circulating, these pages better have people pay for the viewing. Or you could just pretend that is nothing, another of millions of pics there are on the internet, regardless if you find it or not.

In every case, still not a disaster of the world. You are alive, safe (from him at least), and healing from it. He has nothing important in your life now, just potentially documentation of how vile f*cked up pig he is. A real winner, that.

 

[ILoveLife]

Or you could just pretend that is nothing, another of millions of pics there are on the internet, regardless if you find it or not.

This one.
First, not seeing him again by my own volition and that is final :laugh: Really! Don't want to.
Second, going to court and having them see me f*cking is not exactly crit A trauma, but it's ground for retraumatization.
Third, vile pig he is and dangerous one at that and I'm not willing to allow him to even be near enough to see me, much less hear his voice.

not a disaster of the world.

That's true. Just feels like it :laugh:

You are alive, safe (from him at least), and healing from it.

True! Thank you.

just potentially documentation of how vile f*cked up pig he is. A real winner, that.

Also true.
Yep, winner is the word.

 

[Ronin]

This one.

Sure thing, to all of it: I did not mean to say you should be retraumatized, in any shape or form, just meant to say you are not powerless, on there being a multitude of things that you CAN actually do about the same things (and many more I was not thinking of).

And there you go, there is also what you are doing right now: Not caring about that creeper one bit. :) Cheers.

 

[ILoveLife]

I did not mean to say you should be retraumatized

I know you didn't :) We're good.
I do get upset about the mere thought of ever being in his presence again, nothing about you or your intentions :hug:

Thank you though, I've absorbed what you said and it was incredibly helpful, like it usually is coming from you.