I feel like I'm at my wits end

[7lonewolf7]

I'm still being plagued with night terrors and insomnia and it has been 3yrs of this. They used to be worse to the point where I was experiencing sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I'm so mentally exhausted at this point that I don't know how much more I can take. I've never truly felt suicidal but I'm starting to really wish I was dead cause every living moment is torture. I wake up at odd hours of the night with so much terror and frustration, while during the day I'm consumed with severe anxiety and depression from negative thoughts and experiences. I used to be a really strong and resilient person; I've had to endure a lot, but now I just feel like the weakest humanbeing alive. I'm doing my best not to fall back to bad, unhealthy habits, which for me is binge drinking till I black out. But it still happens and it feels like I'm losing good friends due to it. Though at the same time I've been distancing myself from everyone to avoid being around triggers that cause me to binge drink.

I just want some relief. I don't even feel like I'm living in reality anymore cause I'm so consumed by negative thoughts and constant flashbacks.
The person who raped me also lives near me so that adds to my anxiety cause I'm always anxious I'm going to bump into him. And I have multiple times. I've also caught him following me in my car so I'm just always in a state of hypervigilance cause I do fear for my safety. And this feeds my night terrors. Is there any help I can get?

 

[bumbles]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. You are not weak! I know the feeling, but just wanted to throw that out there. It sounds like you have been putting in effort to change some of your unhealthy coping skills, and that is great. There is nothing wrong with avoiding triggers if you have not yet mastered the skills to cope with them effectively and comfortably too. Your true friends will understand, and if they don't, they can wait for you to be more healthy!

Are you participating in any therapy or treatment? Prazosin has helped a lot with my nightmares, and my therapist recently went over a "nightmare protocol" with me which has helped a bit. In essence, it suggests thinking your nightmares over while you are awake (if that is something manageable for you and if you aren't comfortable with it that is okay) and reworking your nightmares into a more favorable outcome. That way you are kind of dealing with the junk your brain is throwing at you while you are sleeping, and showing your brain that there are other ways to look at it.

I hope you are able to find some comfort soon.

Edit: Just realizd you said night terrors, not nightmares. sorry

 

[lynn T.]

Best guess... it's the alcohol. Binge drinking can cause all these things at night. Totally vicious cycle. because on the one hand, you feel you need to drink to black out, but blacking out will not produce restful sleep. On the contrary, will cause night terrors, sweating, feeling cold, irritable, jerking sheets off bed, tremors eventually. If you're sleeping only in spurts and with a TV on for company or not in a bed and having done binge drinking, rethink this because it will literally poison you until you pass. I am a nurse, maybe you can see about alternatives. There are medications that are not 'controlled' drugs such as narcotics or Valium, etc. you could consider but you ought to see a good doctor who's familiar with these meds. Your situation could escalate quicker than you realize if not addressed. The nightmares can stop once sleep is restored without use of alcohol and you understand with therapy what the dreams are about, but so many dreams are distorted until we simply get in better physical health. Good luck.

 

[Tinyflame]

My best guess is the proximity of your rapist.

Can you get a large dog?

 

[blackemerald1]

Are you receiving therapy for this?

Sleep hygiene is so important.
Routine - get up and go to sleep at the same time every night and day,
Tidy up your bedroom - no televisions or electronics
Have a good book to read for those sleepless nights
No screens at least one hour prior to sleep
Get some sunshine every day to get your brain working
Get some exercise every day (not just work) to make your body work (and our brains like it too)
Practice deep, regular breathing..

I think @lynn T. is correct here. At the very least binge drinking will be contributing to the problem (amongst many others) so concentrate on getting that out of the picture for a start.

Your friends can wait and if they cannot - they are not friends... what do you think? Would you be so un-supportive to someone who is so distressed?

If you have bumped into the person who raped you and continue to do so - what can you do to resolve this? Move? If not @Junebug has a good idea -dog. If you feel unsafe that will make things worse. Is your security at home sufficient?

 

[AJ45]

I'm still being plagued with night terrors and insomnia and it has been 3yrs of this. They used to be worse to the point where I was experiencing sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I'm so mentally exhausted at this point that I don't know how much more I can take. I've never truly felt suicidal but I'm starting to really wish I was dead cause every living moment is torture. I wake up at odd hours of the night with so much terror and frustration, while during the day I'm consumed with severe anxiety and depression from negative thoughts and experiences. I used to be a really strong and resilient person; I've had to endure a lot, but now I just feel like the weakest humanbeing alive. I'm doing my best not to fall back to bad, unhealthy habits, which for me is binge drinking till I black out. But it still happens and it feels like I'm losing good friends due to it. Though at the same time I've been distancing myself from everyone to avoid being around triggers that cause me to binge drink.

I just want some relief. I don't even feel like I'm living in reality anymore cause I'm so consumed by negative thoughts and constant flashbacks.
The person who raped me also lives near me so that adds to my anxiety cause I'm always anxious I'm going to bump into him. And I have multiple times. I've also caught him following me in my car so I'm just always in a state of hypervigilance cause I do fear for my safety. And this feeds my night terrors. Is there any help I can get?

yea i do the same with the drinking blacking out, have added sleep pills into it because being awake is too much but being asleep and aware is also too much. you are not alone.

 

[blackemerald1]

drinking blacking out, have added sleep pills into it because being awake is too much

^^Honestly - drinking and taking sleeping pills might add up to the BIG sleep. Is that what you really want? Stop messing around with alcohol and pills.

You might not care about yourself but maybe you have family that does? If not,
Somebody still has to find you and that is no picnic - do you want to deal out more trauma?

You do matter and you are valuable and this isn't the way to solve or resolve your trauma.

 

[bellbird]

Is there any help I can get?

I feel like there are 2 areas of help you need.

I've also caught him following me in my car so I'm just always in a state of hypervigilance cause I do fear for my safety.

The first: to address the proximity of your rapist, his behaviour towards you (following you), and your fears of safety relating to him.
Can you get a restraining order against him?

I'm doing my best not to fall back to bad, unhealthy habits, which for me is binge drinking till I black out. But it still happens and it feels like I'm losing good friends due to it.

The second: what you are doing about your sleep.
I get that the binge drinking is a coping strategy; I know how badly extended periods of poor sleep can affect every aspect of your life (mood especially), and how unhealthy coping strategies can often seem like the only thing you can do.
But if you really want to fix your sleep, alcohol will not help you.
There are plenty of studies out there to back this up. e.g. Disturbed Sleep and Its Relationship to Alcohol Use

You need to practice good sleep hygiene as @blackemerald1 mentioned.
The things that have helped me the most with my sleep (i.e. getting me to a point where my nightmares no longer have me feeling suicidal) are sleep medications.
I take mirtazipine 45mg, quetiapine 200mg and phenergan 50mg.
None of those are strictly "sleeping pills", they're an antidepressant, antipsychotic and antihistamine, respectively, being used for their side effect of causing sleepiness. So there are options out there if the first pill you try doesn't help (trust me, I've been through many meds).
I also take them at a regular time each night, and have an alert on my phone to remind me when to take them.

I'd suggest talking to your GP/pdoc about medication for sleep. Medications aren't the answer for everything, but they can be very helpful.
I'd also suggest looking into therapy, if you aren't seeing a T already. They might be able to help you work through your trauma, to treat your insomnia at the (likely) root cause.

You're not weak, though. At all.
:hug:

 

[AJ45]

^^Honestly - drinking and taking sleeping pills might add up to the BIG sleep. Is that what you really want? Stop messing around with alcohol and pills.

You might not care about yourself but maybe you have family that does? If not,
Somebody still has to find you and that is no picnic - do you want to deal out more trauma?

You do matter and you are valuable and this isn't the way to solve or resolve your trauma.

i understand its risky care and dont care i know what can happen :/

 

[bellbird]

i understand its risky care and dont care i know what can happen :/

Please get help @AJ45 . We might "just" be people on the internet, but we truly do care about you.
I know life is really really hard right now, but you are worth finding out how good life can be.

 

[AJ45]

Please get help @AJ45 . We might "just" be people on the internet, but we truly do care about you.
I know life is really really hard right now, but you are worth finding out how good life can be.

how do i tell MCT whats going on? not so good with in person talk

 

[bellbird]

how do i tell MCT whats going on?

Sorry could you explain what MCT is? Not familiar with that one :)

not so good with in person talk

I do understand this though. I really do.