Questioning my memories

[someo]

Hi to everyone, I am new here. Sorry for a long post but I really needed to open up about this.

So the thing that is bothering me at the moment (like most of the time) is that i keep questioning and questioning whether my memories are real. The thing is, when I first became aware that I indeed had trauma in my life I had years worth of memories missing and even the traumatic stuff that I actually remembered felt so unreal that i questioned whether it had indeed happened (I eventually asked my friends about whether some events that felt completely unreal happened and they confirmed that they had indeed happened). I also had a lot of dissociation and I kind of had separate "identity states" and amnesia between them. Also, when i for example had a fight with my mother, I would start to have a horrible headache and soon afterwards I might even completely forget that the fight ever happened.

In any case I started working on the dissociation and ptsd on my own (I was too afraid to seek help and I'm told by everyone I have very high IQ so basically because of that I was able to work on that stuff alone) and managed to recover years worth of memories (not just the bad ones, I also recovered all the good memories) and reduce the dissociation a lot. The problem is though, that my plan was to seek professional help when I turned 18 (I had just turned 17 when I started to become aware that i had trauma), but two months before that because of the extreme stress of trying to work on this alone and trying to keep my problems hidden from everyone, I went into psychosis. Long story short, after that happened no-one ever fully believed me and professionals would either refuse to take any position on my trauma memories and symptoms, or worse, some of them just wrote in my medical records that all of my symptoms were psychotic.

So long story short again, finally I went into full remission (I am either schizoaffective or having bipolar with psychotic features) and got into therapy, and now my therapist (who by the way is a licensed CBT-therapist and not any recovered memory enthusiast) thinks that at least most of my recovered memories are real (she thinks that the sexual abuse happened too at least in some form) and that I have severe ptsd. By the way her supervisor has taken the same position and he is the most trained cbt-therapist in my country.

The problem is though that even though I have multiple confirmed traumatic events in my later life, these are only causing minor symptoms. The flashbacks and the most severe symptoms are all about sexual abuse between the ages of six to ten (from my friends big brother). There is no way to verify these events beyond doubt, and I feel like my therapist is going to be the only person to ever believe that this happened. I also really want to believe that these are false memories, but when I start thinking so and blocking the emotions related to these events, I very quickly lose all touch with my emotions and eventually i start dissociating heavily, start having psychosomatic symptoms (they resemble MS-disease in my case) and if I let this go on long enough it would eventually lead to manic symptoms surfacing regardless of how heavily medicated I am.

So basically, either my whole existence is a lie or I have recovered memories. I don't want to remember anything more than I remember, I just want to forget, I want these memories to be false memories, but the more I deny the memories the worse my symptoms get. And the thing also is, when I go into too much denial, the numbness and hyperarousal get really bad and this eventually leads to severe suicidal ideation, and when I start to dissociate too heavily this leads to manic symptoms, which do not respond to medication if I keep doing denial, which would lead to treatment-resistant psychosis from which there is a chance I would never recover from.

I dont know... It just sucks when most people in the scientific community think that repressed memory does not exist, my psychiatrist refuses to take any position on the subject, and I feel like people in general wouldn't believe me or at least would question me. Actually one psychiatric nurse who treated me years ago (she didn't want to take any position either) said that since I have all the symptoms of having been sexually abused not knowing whether it happened is probably worse than knowing it happened. Besides, I do know that it happened. I just really, really want to deny it like I always have in the past. I think this second-guessing is just a another form of denial and basically even my therapist is saying so. When i start questioning the memories I naturally block out all the emotions and even some of the symptoms related to them, but of course the downside is that I stop feeling anything at all and this would eventually lead to suicide or psychosis, or both.

In contrast, facing the memories, feelings and thoughts related to the abuse in the recent months has lead to extremely rapid recovery, my therapist is actually worried that I am progressing too fast. In contrast to that, right now that I'm writing this (its two hours since I started to question my memories) I am already feeling hypervigilant, angry and numb, my left hand feels weak and my hands and feet are tingling. If I keep going down this road what happens is that the anger eventually gets to extreme levels and turns inwards, at which point I have to take lorazepam (and sometimes thats not enough on its own, I have to take a large dose of haloperidol too) so that I dont hurt myself or others.

I think that I have been recently able to accept the fact that these memories are true (even though they might not of course be 100% accurate like we have discussed with my therapist, but if you remember getting raped as a child in vivid detail, then you either have a completely false memory or it happened), but reading about the "false memory debate" and thinking about the fact that my psychiatrist still does not want to take any position on the subject (he is saying though that its simply because its a legal issue in case I would one day decide to press charges) is again making me question everything. I will have to stop the denial now though because I am already starting to be too numb, hypervigilant and angry.

 

[Kubash16]

I don’t have a much advice but one thing: the “false memory debate” was heavily created/sponsored by a couple whose daughter had recovered memories of abuse by them and they wanted to refute that. They were later discredited. I don’t have a moment to pull up sources for that, but it will be easy enough to find on Google.

I have a lot of blocked out stuff and my T and are working through those so that I can face the tough stuff head on. I have noticed sometimes that I will create alternative endings to a memory and try to convince myself of them (better endings then what happened) but then T will question those and makes me rely on my gut and watches how my body reacts when talking through the memories. Even slowing down and going back over parts where I try to rush over it with a happier ending. You have to trust your gut on these. That’s your only true indication. Do you feel, I mean really feel they are real? Or does your gut say no you just want to believe that?

 

[Abstract]

There are some major differences in our stories but I could have written a lot of what you did a few years back. The psychotic break and professionals interpretation of your trauma at that time makes it so much more complicated and difficult for you.

False memories make people sick. They make people more unwell. Dealing with things that really happened however brings with it much pain initially but then healing. I have met a couple of people who had false memories and sorted it out eventually but both times multiple professionals pushed them towards it and they had real trauma. Just not the trauma being suggested to them.

I felt like two sides of my brain were at war with each other (was physical too at times) and it was terrible phase so my heart goes out to you. Also had more somatic dissociation symptoms when I went in the direction of the denial. Radical acceptance of the war was part of what managed to help me through it,

 

[someo]

I don’t have a much advice but one thing: the “false memory debate” was heavily created/sponsored by a couple whose daughter had recovered memories of abuse by them and they wanted to refute that. They were later discredited. I don’t have a moment to pull up sources for that, but it will be easy enough to find on Google.

I have a lot of blocked out stuff and my T and are working through those so that I can face the tough stuff head on. I have noticed sometimes that I will create alternative endings to a memory and try to convince myself of them (better endings then what happened) but then T will question those and makes me rely on my gut and watches how my body reacts when talking through the memories. Even slowing down and going back over parts where I try to rush over it with a happier ending. You have to trust your gut on these. That’s your only true indication. Do you feel, I mean really feel they are real? Or does your gut say no you just want to believe that?

I actually developed some definitely false memories during the psychosis (I'm told this is very typical and does not mean that any other memories would necessarily be false). They don't feel real, never did, they are not very realistic, and FIRST AND FOREMOST, I never had any trauma symptoms related to them. Like sexual abuse as a subject does not trigger me that much, I can talk about it as much as I like, but the first time I talked about the abuse that happened to me, I spent two weeks having horrible anxiety and flashbacks. Second time I talked about it was like a year afterwards, and that time I had the same thing happen but it lasted "only" for a week. Nowadays of course it only lasts for a day max.

Does my gut say it happened? Definitely yes. Do I want to believe gut? No.

Generally speaking, I don't think people with false memory syndrome want to forget their abuse, I think its supposed to be like the opposite of that, they dwell on it willingly, I on the other hand would give almost anything to be able to forget.

 

[Kubash16]

I completely understand the desire to forget. It’s actually why I went into therapy. I’d had a really bad thing happen between my exH and niece that stirred up crap and because of the situation I had to come back to the area I grew up and so having all these places shoved in my face each day had me falling extremely low. So got myself into the T, explained what happened with exH and niece and went on and on about how I just want to forget everything because I can’t stand any of it anymore. And yet now we are working on remembering more than I already was ?‍ It is helping though.

 

[shimmerz]

Well done for taking your healing into your own hands. You talked about having psycho somatic symptoms. All of my therapist have said to me that psycho somatic issues stem from real trauma. Having dealt with them for 12 years and more I’m going to have to agree with him.

Psychiatrists I have found have worked with in a box. That box in this country anyways, doesn’t really respond well to issues that relate to trauma. That’s why my front line people are holistic healers or trauma therapists.

I got the swinging back-and-forth between is it real or is it not really but I think you said in your original posting that you do know on some level that you were sexually assaulted as a child. That’s firm ground to start working with as far as I’m concerned.

My suggestion is to keep working on it because the stuff doesn’t go away in time my thoughts are that it needs to be dealt with. It’s a hard road, and at your age my heart breaks for you. It does get better but it takes really hard work and a real commitment toward your own good health

The best to you on your healing journey

 

[Friday]

First of all, am I supposed to add trigger warnings?

Nope... but no worries! A member of staff in charge of this section will be along to edit it out in due time. Welcome! :)

Community Constitution

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MyPTSD does not use trigger warnings. Mind reading what could be a trigger for another is a negative thinking style, a problem all PTSD sufferers need to correct at some level. Whilst some view its use as a courtesy, it is impossible to know what will, or will not, trigger another person, regardless the graphic detail contained. After all, this is a space where those affected can discuss trauma and its consequences.

 

[someo]

Well done for taking your healing into your own hands. You talked about having psycho somatic symptoms. All of my therapist have said to me that psycho somatic issues stem from real trauma. Having dealt with them for 12 years and more I’m going to have to agree with him.

Psychiatrists I have found have worked with in a box. That box in this country anyways, doesn’t really respond well to issues that relate to trauma. That’s why my front line people are holistic healers or trauma therapists.

I got the swinging back-and-forth between is it real or is it not really but I think you said in your original posting that you do know on some level that you were sexually assaulted as a child. That’s firm ground to start working with as far as I’m concerned.

My suggestion is to keep working on it because the stuff doesn’t go away in time my thoughts are that it needs to be dealt with. It’s a hard road, and at your age my heart breaks for you. It does get better but it takes really hard work and a real commitment toward your own good health

The best to you on your healing journey

I have to say, in my country, the psychiatrist in general have from zero to very little understanding of trauma. I have a lot of friends with mental health issues, many of whom clearly have ptsd, and haven't heard of anyone getting the diagnosis of ptsd from a psychiatrist in my country. I haven't even seen a single story in the media, about anyone who would have been diagnosed with ptsd in my country. i know that some people have the diagnosis, but I even remember a story in the media about a woman who nearly died in a plane crash and sustained horrible burns to her whole body, and she was diagnosed with "adjustment difficulties".

I think your suggestion is a good one. Accepting the trauma and working on it has a very strong healing effect, whereas the denial only leads to disaster. We have been working on trauma issues (the approach we are using is mostly acceptance and commitment therapy) for maybe three months now and I'm already feeling like a different person. I don't have any manic or psychotic symptoms, I dissociate a lot less, I stopped having suicidal thoughts, I'm not super angry and irritable all the time, I don't get urges to drink and do drugs, I don't feel worthless, and first and foremost I CAN FEEL. Six months ago (when the therapy started) I was addicted to alcohol and drugs, I hated myself, I was suicidal, I was numb and dissociated all the time etc. I really don't want to go back to that, and i feel like the denial would take me straight into that direction. I mean once I go into strong denial I start looking for other means of avoidance too, and eventually I start getting urges to drink, and thats not a good thing, since I can't handle drinking. One of the first things my therapist said to me in our first get-to-know-each-other meeting was that she was afraid that I would end up killing myself when I was drunk or hung over.

 

[EveHarrington]

I actually developed some definitely false memories during the psychosis (I'm told this is very typical and does not mean that any other memories would necessarily be false). They don't feel real, never did, they are not very realistic, and FIRST AND FOREMOST, I never had any trauma symptoms related to them. Like sexual abuse as a subject does not trigger me that much, I can talk about it as much as I like, but the first time I talked about the abuse that happened to me, I spent two weeks having horrible anxiety and flashbacks. Second time I talked about it was like a year afterwards, and that time I had the same thing happen but it lasted "only" for a week. Nowadays of course it only lasts for a day max.

Does my gut say it happened? Definitely yes. Do I want to believe gut? No.

Generally speaking, I don't think people with false memory syndrome want to forget their abuse, I think its supposed to be like the opposite of that, they dwell on it willingly, I on the other hand would give almost anything to be able to forget.

Psychosis “memories” are different so I think you should separate psychosis memories from recovered memories. The very definition of psychosis is that what you see, hear, etc isn’t real. Of course you can’t trust these memories.

As stated before, the major backlash against recovered memories started as parents going to extremes to discredit the daughter they abused. And now, thousands+++ of abuse survivors have to deal with the fallout.

 

[shimmerz]

Yes, it was the denial for me as well that I had to truly break through in order to get a grip on the dissociation. I feel like because my abuse was unmanageable for me in any way, the only option I had was to zone out all senses. No.more.input.

Psychiatrists in Canada as well don't acknowledge trauma. I was diagnosed with it right away but I was an extreme example and luckily not psychotic at the time so they could't white wash the trauma away. Not long afterwards though -- when I started to see a psychologist, they started back paddling and tried to retract the PTSD diagnosis to 'iotrragenic' and stating it was my psychologists fault for my PTSD, even thought I had been diagnosed 2 years prior to my seeing the psychologist.

There can be some serious politics involved when it comes to any mental health diagnosis here. Best of luck to you and please keep posting. Sounds like you are doing a terrific job! Well done.

 

[MyWillow]

I am fortunate to be seeing an excellent trauma psychiatrist who is my main T (there's a thread floating around). She has really pushed me to share my flashbacks - which seem far from real - and I have finally done so. It took a while. This week I was desperate to "take it all back" but being heard and affirmed feels like it has made a difference. I don't feel quite as on edge I did last week. And yep I have been second guessing all this for months and months.

 

[Sideways]

Accepting the trauma and working on it has a very strong healing effect, whereas the denial only leads to disaster.

You sound like you’ve reached this conclusion for yourself. Acceptance. It’s so incredibly important.

What am I going to accept as ‘real’? Here’s the thing: it didn’t happen exactly the way you remember it. It didn’t. Memory is an incredibly flexible, relative, fluid and constantly imperfect thing. It’s not perfect. So acceptance is about coming to terms with “This is my truth, and I accept it”. Doesn’t mean you like it, or it’s not a big deal, or that it hasn’t had some serious lasting consequences. It just is.

The other thing about acceptance is that the only person who needs to accept your truth? Is you.

Lots of Ts won’t take a position on whether they believe our memories, because it can influence a lot of people on a subconscious level in ways that can do a lot of damage. Some Ts embrace ‘validating’ their patient and enthusiastically support every recovered memory as absolute truth. But a lot of them don’t. A lot of them will stay neutral.

From the T’s perspective, they aren’t treating a person’s memory (that’s for a neurologist). They aren’t treating a person’s trauma (that’s for a historian). They are treating the consequences. The person and package in front of them today. And that’s pretty much irrespective of how accurate the memories are.

Your body seems to give you a very clear message when you try and go down the path of denial. Listen to that. But don’t get hung up on persuading people of your truth. You’re the one who experienced it, and you’re the one living with the consequences. So your acceptance is the only one that matters.

As for reading up on the false memory debate? It’s incredibly political, and misses much of the incredibly interesting, evolving knowledge we have about how memory actually works. So in terms of your recovery and what you need? Investing time in reading about largely politically motivated claptrap probably just isn’t a helpful thing for you to do (which would make you like most of us!).