Does it ever stop??

[Invisible Fire]

Today is thanksgiving and I have a lot to be thankful for but feel broken. I dreaded today like every day that involves gathering with people especially my family. Who yes abused me as a child and allowed abuse to happen. They do not know everything that happened. But, that was many years ago. They are sober when I’m present and are not abusive anymore. But, I leave feeling injured, emotionally and physically. I have to isolate and I feel physically exhausted. Why can’t I just be happy. Why can’t I just be like hey that was a good time, my family has changed. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel like I could scream and I want to hide. Does this ever go away?

 

[ladee]

Can you be more specific about 'what' needs to go away?

I understand what you are saying about being around family. I don't do that to myself anymore. But was very happy to hear they are no longer abusive toward you. Doesn't always change how we feel here and now tho..

 

[lynn T.]

It helps if we can simply forgive ourselves for feelings we have, esp. on holidays. I think it's great how you can express yourself, something to add to your list of what you're thankful for. Much better than being closed off and not expressing out loud the fact that we can still want to isolate, etc. I did not spend the day with certain family members and I had mixed feelings. I was listening to the radio and was amazed at the folks calling in to a talk show who also did not feel the typical joyous feeling that's so often just a script of how the day's supposed to go. We have our own reality, often a mix of regret, anxiety, being uncomfortable, maybe having a near panic attack just thinking about past Thanksgivings. And, I believe we come to accept that a certain amount of that may always be present, but I think it helps to acknowledge it because lots of people understand what you're feeling. You aren't in denial of how you truly feel and to me, that's a plus in surviving.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes @lynn T. , I think thankfulness, and holidays of all kinds- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, etc etc., and other experiences, well we maybe have very different experiences and connotations, challenges, reasons to fear or dread, and even reasons to be thankful- that perhaps are very different than many people. I wonder, sometimes, if it can even be understandable or relatable to 'average' people?

I think love and peace and hotdogs, can trump a 5 course meal with accompanying dread or fear or mistrust. Healing takes time, and other things. Give yourself time. And self-compassion for what you feel, and can articulate. :hug:

 

[Invisible Fire]

Can you be more specific about 'what' needs to go away?..

The anxiety and fear the follows these days. The nightmares I wake up crying from. Feeling like a child in my adult body. The sadness.

 

[ladee]

Thank you for answering.... yes , it stops. The more healing we do, the more work we do on taking back our power from those that tried to ruin us as little humans.

To grieve what that little girl had to go thru to get where she is today, makes it not have the power it once did. Wish there was an easier softer way for all of us.

Thru no fault of our own, we are the ones full of pain and so many questions with no answers... but, we also get to heal, and to learn along the way how to set boundaries with people, or to walk away from people that insist on hurting us, for what ever reason. For every time we face our pain, it gives us back the power they took from us.

And no, there is not one single thing about this that is fair. Or right. But we are some of the strongest people on this planet. We endured and somehow survived childhoods or things that happened while adults, that would take lesser people down.

And you do have the right to NOT go next year. Make other plans, or stay home, but you do not have to walk into a wall of pain. My son and I are estranged. Doesn't matter that I am not the same person. He is still hurt and angry. But he has to heal that, or not. So I do understand what you are sharing.

I have nothing to do with any of my own family, except one nephew, but we have strong boundaries and respect for each other. It wasn't easy, but very do-able, to pick myself, and not put myself thru the torture and agony of being around my family.

Maybe by this time next year, some great healing will have happened for you, and you won't go , or you will choose not to go, because you just don't have to.

Sending you hugs of understanding... and yes, it does stop... have some faith in yourself to do the work to make it stop. :hug:'s

 

[Invisible Fire]

Sending you hugs of understanding... and yes, it does stop... have some faith in yourself to do the work to make it stop. :hug:'s

Thank you Ladee. I am amazed daily at the kindness and understanding I find on this site. your reply gave me hope to do what I want to do which is keep moving forward.

 

[ladee]

And you will, I know this because you asked a question.You are wondering if it's worth going forward. I get that. You are worth going forward. You will do this in your own way, at your own pace and know that you can always let us know when things are not moving or moving too slow, and we are here for you...

This is a hard journey. And, I've found, impossible to do alone. Proud of you for finding out it is worth the work... beautiful experiences are in your future. Sending hugs of understanding and encouragement if you accept.. :hug:'s

 

[lynn T.]

Thank you for answering.... yes , it stops. The more healing we do, the more work we do on taking back our power from those that tried to ruin us as little humans.

To grieve what that little girl had to go thru to get where she is today, makes it not have the power it once did. Wish there was an easier softer way for all of us.

Thru no fault of our own, we are the ones full of pain and so many questions with no answers... but, we also get to heal, and to learn along the way how to set boundaries with people, or to walk away from people that insist on hurting us, for what ever reason. For every time we face our pain, it gives us back the power they took from us.

And no, there is not one single thing about this that is fair. Or right. But we are some of the strongest people on this planet. We endured and somehow survived childhoods or things that happened while adults, that would take lesser people down.

And you do have the right to NOT go next year. Make other plans, or stay home, but you do not have to walk into a wall of pain. My son and I are estranged. Doesn't matter that I am not the same person. He is still hurt and angry. But he has to heal that, or not. So I do understand what you are sharing.

I have nothing to do with any of my own family, except one nephew, but we have strong boundaries and respect for each other. It wasn't easy, but very do-able, to pick myself, and not put myself thru the torture and agony of being around my family.

Maybe by this time next year, some great healing will have happened for you, and you won't go , or you will choose not to go, because you just don't have to.

Sending you hugs of understanding... and yes, it does stop... have some faith in yourself to do the work to make it stop. :hug:'s

I agree that we are some of the strongest in the world for not only surviving the chronic trauma and resulting anxieties, including those awful nightmares we speak of on this forum. I recall being so very grateful when one of my recurrent night terrors stopped, and it was not due to any medications, etc., but the terrors stopped following a talk with someone who explained to me what the dream was meaning and emphasized to me that I WAS safe now. We can logically know we're safe but yet feel the burning of the anxiety and thus feel helpless.. the helplessness of a small child. Then, we might feel guilt because we feel we ought to be able to stop this and that, but we can't... For me, it began to feel like utter power-less-ness, and wow, what an awful thing to feel. I still feel anxiety but I think the sense of powerless-ness leaves, if only in baby steps, as we give ourselves an A+ for the persistence we put into our very difficult job of realizing just how worthy we are. If it takes feeling like a child sometimes, so be it, huh? Many of us were not treated so well as little kids and it's about time we did..as in self-compassion, if none was received. Maybe a return to being good to ourselves is long overdue and that step may require that we surround ourselves with loving folks or churches or any other support.

 

[lynn T.]

Yes @lynn T. , I think thankfulness, and holidays of all kinds- Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays, etc etc., and other experiences, well we maybe have very different experiences and connotations, challenges, reasons to fear or dread, and even reasons to be thankful- that perhaps are very different than many people. I wonder, sometimes, if it can even be understandable or relatable to 'average' people?

I think love and peace and hotdogs, can trump a 5 course meal with accompanying dread or fear or mistrust. Healing takes time, and other things. Give yourself time. And self-compassion for what you feel, and can articulate. :hug:

Very nice words, Junebug. I thought about your wondering if ptsd can be understandable to average people. I seem to intuit after meeting some people within a matter of minutes that no, indeed, they are not of a character type or personality that is compassionate. I feel the clue there is feeling right away there won't be a sense of reciprocity where each person gives and also receives. My take on that is that it's simply a gift that allows me to recognize my feeling, walk away, and be glad that I actually had the sense to protect myself. In prior years, I would have likely been stomped on or considered easy prey for some people. I think some people can use their intuition to sense we're there for the takin'. I don't believe it means we're paranoid but maybe more enlightened to what we now can accept or choose to reject because we have grown. I hope we've all experienced talking to someone and feeling the light shining in their eyes or the warmth of their smile. Part of my healing still involves trusting myself to know whom to trust due to the fact I was treated horribly at times and yet, accepted that, even begged for those people to treat me better. They won't change, but we can.
My wise farmer Grandma would say "A dog that bites is a dog that bites". To my detriment as an adult, I often forgot that phrase!

 

[Invisible Fire]

Part of my healing still involves trusting myself to know whom to trust due to the fact I was treated horribly

@lynn T. This stood out to me. I think often of the "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice ,shame on me". It is hard for me because I was fooled multiple times.
And I would like to add that I do not think "normal" people will ever understand. To explain something they can not see is impossible. I have heard one to many jokes and rude comments about people with mental illness, including PTSD, that proves they will never understand. That is why I've been so amazed at this site. People who actually understand. It saddens me but it also is a relief to know I am not alone.
Thank you for your insight.

 

[NaeNae75]

I just wanted to pop in and note this is an excellent thread with many good ideas and thoughts...