ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

Thanks for your comments @VioletButterfly it is a terribly struggle. I just don't know how I will ever get on top of it all.

 

[ms spock]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I also struggle with food.

Keep talking to us. The food struggle is not easy. After a lifetime of disordered eating. It is so basic a struggle, but one that is with me each day. And the last few days not with me but right in my face.

 

[frogthroat]

I read this book a long time ago by Jorge Cruise where you just portion out your inner plate. Half of the inside of the plate is vegetables, a quarter of it is your meat, and quarter is carbs. I hard boiled eggs for breakfast this week. I made chicken salad and a celery stick split in half with cream cheese inside for lunch. For dinner It's broccoli, butter noodles, and chicken thighs I cut the fat off from and breaded with spicy breadcrumbs. I do plan on walking on the treadmill every other day. Other than that I drink coffee and I only put creamer in it. No more alcohol for me and sometimes I have a pop. My biggest problem, as I said before is alcohol. When I drink I don't eat regularly so this will be something steady and new.
I figure every week I'll switch things up like a fruit for breakfast or plain oatmeal. Maybe if I want something sweet I'll get some Greek yogurt. I know I'm going to crave sweets for awhile as part of withdrawal.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Today, I'm thinking about how to "sit" with my feelings again. I'm starting out slow at maybe 5 minutes. My plan is to follow it up with journaling about it. I want to take an hour or so early on to look back through DBT distress tolerance and coping mechanisms so that I have something in mind if I start going sideways. My intention is to cut down on this out of control food situation, especially when I'm getting ready to stop using the other substance in my life. I know it's going to be difficult and will require a change in mindset. I'm working on that as well. I want to grow happiness and healthiness in my life, so I'm trying to focus on those goals instead of the myriad of issues/problems I have in my life. Ugh, the "B" word - balance.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Practice, practice, practice. I'm figuring out that I've been so out of the practice of focusing/accomplishing because I've been in crisis/reactionary mode for a decade or more and that it is going to take time, patience, and practice to get myself back on track again. Maybe to get myself on an authentic track for the first time.

I'm keeping up with a steady breakfast and lunch, and supplements. I'm not doing so well at my small tasks on my index card plan, but I am making some headway in searching out routines surrounding support from faith-based options. I've happened upon a local show where ladies talk about different topics from a spiritual perspective and I'm finding it very helpful. Today's topic was "fear." I'm pretty much live in a spirit of fear these days, so this is something for me to work on.

I know that I do better with my eating when I am calmer and not so amped up by fear. I also do better when I'm not so exhausted from waking up every hour or just dragging myself up at 4:00 a.m. and staying up the rest of the night because of horrible nightmares. One day at a time.

Today, I chose to forgo my second addiction, but I fell down into ED pretty badly. I'm sitting now with some decaf chai tea and trying to self-soothe and think about what I was feeling when I chose to go that route. I'm trying to be mindful and patient, and caring and compassionate with myself and my little self. She's popped in from somewhere. Ah....

 

[ms spock]

So I was anxious eating last week, and I went to my first day at work, and it is casual so my next day is not until Monday, but I came home and I ate and ate some more on Tuesday night. Yesterday I struggled with not eating too much, it was hard. I promised myself no constant eating today and then came home and ate quite a bit. I need to build up sitting with feelings and distress tolerance. I had my St John Certificate yesterday so that was the second whole day of a two day course. I feel very overwhelmed. Today I went for a music lesson. I hadn't been for 3/4/5 months I just got so anxious and felt so vulnerable I stopped. I shut down. So I went today. It was hard but I was present.

 

[ms spock]

Struggling with eating again, and feeling guilty for have a regular meal with is just silly. Then came home and comfort ate way too much. Really struggling.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Good grief! I feel rather out of control on the food front. Eating has been good in the mornings, not so good in the evenings. I've been taking supplements and drinking water.

I'm feeling distressed, I think. I'm not sure anymore. I'm kind of frozen right now. I've been watching a lot of television to numb out and I need to figure out what really is going on inside. I've been hiding too long.

I actually ate for comfort yesterday. I don't know why. I usually only graze when I'm anxious to zone myself out. I'm feeling like I've hit a wall, but know that staying in this condition is untenable.

Back to the drawing board. More self care, more time out of my apartment, more time being around people even if I'm not interacting, getting a job of any sort at this point, getting back to my index card plan, etc....

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Living in the 70s - sending strength, encouragement and light.

 

[ms spock]

I am grazing to numb myself out as well @VioletButterfly! Thanks for the positive vibes. Right back at you.

 

[VioletButterfly]

I was thinking about HALT earlier this evening - hungry, angry, lonely, tired. I was and still am very tired. So, I tried to consider what I should do to help myself instead of giving in to either vice as the urges were very strong to just bolt. It's very hard to try to reason through emotions (was that an oxymoron). Omg, I'm just exhausted from trying to heal myself, protect myself, fight with unprofessional idiots in the world and corporations, and deal with triggering crap like noise and overwhelming cooking smells, and appliances that don't work. It's just too much. So, how do I try to cope with the enormity of this? Maybe I need to start by accepting that my world would overwhelm most people right now. Maybe I need to consider/acknowledge/accept what I've done to help myself stand up when I wanted to fall down in the midst of all of this. I think I'm missing a point here. It's complicated, interconnected/intertwined, sad and scary.... Yet, I cannot just stop. I can't quit.

So, yes, I'm angry/frustrated, lonely and tired, and I'm afraid. I've been so for a long while, but something is different these days. I think it's the weight gain combined with getting older and looking it. Hmmm. What small bit of this can I file the edges off of to make it more palatable? No pun intended there. I think it might help to look back through my journals to see how I was using food before. I have lots of tools detailed in there as well.

 

[Mach123]

I can starve. I can't eat a balanced diet and be thin, but I can do all kinds of stuff to not eat. Then when I push it I can stop eating mostly now. My metabolism is slower and I need less food. I admit it gives me a real feeling of control over my body. Sounds about right. I just couldn't get around to thinking of being thin as bad. No matter what it took. I know, I see the girls that are sick and way too thin, I understand that. I just didn't think it applied to me. People have asked me all my adult life on and off if I was anorexic or if men could be anorexic. I remember that one specifically. Now the therapist has sort of insisted on it. I don't want to fool around with not eating is bad.