Feeling guilty in therapy?

[hopefully optimistic]

So today I finally told T I was feeling guilty that I’d made someone in my family out to be worse than they are. She only responded with-do you think that’s true? And I said-I don’t know. I mean, the person I’m talking about in my family...we had really good times together too. That said, if my husband ever treated me or my kids the way he treated me and my mom, I would leave my husband. I don’t know-the guilt feels huge right now. Like I’ve made him out to be horrible and he’s really not. I’m just so confused. I don’t even know what I’m looking for here.

 

[Kubash16]

No real advice but just wanted to say I completely understand. It hurts to try and recognize the person as being unhealthy for you when there were good things. It’s hard to make sense of the different sides of a person. But I guess we have to pay attention to what others see when we explain about the person because they have a much more unbiased view than we do and can rationalize things much better since they aren’t so close to the situation.

 

[FauxLiz]

@hopefully optimistic I understand your guilty feelings. I struggle with those as well with talking about my parents in therapy. Growing up I never wanted for anything material - food, clothes, shelter, toys etc. We weren't rich but we had enough. What I wanted and needed growing up though I never got and that was love, attention, protection from others and even them. When I look back sometimes it feels petty to say I was emotionally and verbally abused by my parents growing up because the physical abuse wasn't really there (yes my dad could give a hell of a spanking with his belt and my mom with a wire fly swatter) but they rarely left a mark. But I would never treat my children the way they treated me. I would never say or do/not do some of the things my parents did to my children and I did leave my ex because he was that way with our kids.

 

[Rumors]

Yeah I am pretty negative about my family and husband even though I realistically know we had good times but right now that is just where I am. I am upset, sad, annoyed, frustrated, and hurt. It’s where I am right now. It can change. You are allowed. BUT sit with it now and just let it be what it is. ?

 

[hopefully optimistic]

@FauxLiz The guilt is so strong. And I feel so bad for telling some of the things I've told. Because things weren't always like that.
@Kubash16 I think part of the problem is that my T just tells me to trust my gut. Which I've never been able to do anyway. So, I feel guilty for saying things were bad, when maybe they weren't as bad as I'm remembering...? I'm not even sure that makes sense. I do not know how to trust my gut or anything/anyone else. And maybe I'm just being a whiny asshole while other people have had things that are way more legit than me, and I'm wasting everyone's time.
Sigh. I don't know. I don't know if it's shame or guilt or what, but I can't shake it, and it's making me feel like everything I say and think is totally inaccurate.

 

[Kubash16]

I understand, trust me I rotate through those and all sorts of other feelings every appt. but have you told her that you don’t know how to trust your gut? (I totally understand that one too)

 

[hopefully optimistic]

I understand, trust me I rotate through those and all sorts of other feelings every appt. but have you told her that you don’t know how to trust your gut? (I totally understand that one too)

I haven't. That's a good idea. Usually I just say "I don't know."
It's funny because my first T (I've just recently started therapy for the first time ever, and had one T before this one) called my dad an asshole after I told her one small incident...which made me want to defend him. But at the same time, looking back on it, it felt good that someone else saw it that way. My current T (who I have been seeing for about 6 months), never makes comments like that, and I feel like I almost need to hear it. Clearly, I'm just confused about everything.

 

[Kubash16]

I haven't. That's a good idea. Usually I just say "I don't know."
It's funny because my first T (I've just recently started therapy for the first time ever, and had one T before this one) called my dad an asshole after I told her one small incident...which made me want to defend him. But at the same time, looking back on it, it felt good that someone else saw it that way. My current T (who I have been seeing for about 6 months), never makes comments like that, and I feel like I almost need to hear it. Clearly, I'm just confused about everything.

Maybe mention exactly what you said here to her. I’m new to therapy too and working with my first therapist that I have pursued for longer than like two sessions lol. But these conflicting feelings are exactly what you go to her to work out so she needs to hear them. I think the difference between your two T’s is your second is probably better at sticking to the rules so to speak on refraining from judgemental comments. But I agree sometimes we need to hear those. When you felt like you should defend your dad did you? Or did you at least mention to the T that you felt like you should that way they could address that?

 

[FauxLiz]

@hopefully optimistic I get that about defending them. My previous T would make similar comments validating what I was telling him and yet my first instinct even now is to defend them. I am discovering that I need that type of validation from someone impartial because I can't get outside of myself.

 

[Friday]

People are complicated. People who understand abuse, understand that.