Horrific Experience - Looking for Validation

[MamaHopeful]

I had PTSD in 1998. I worked my ass off and it was still there but more a whisper. Than in March of this year I experienced another trauma and it all came back. Only this time I have children and a husband and a big ol life to live.

I haven't shared this with anyone but when the PTSD came rushing in in March I tried to find a therapist right away and simply could not. Everyone was booked. So I started googling my symptoms and hit a big dark rabbit hole. Not good.

I would spend my days googling frantically to try and "solve" the case, only to feel more terrified by everything I found.

At one point I had someone tell me that PTSD isn't real - that it's all only OCD and that in order to be OK I needed to do extreme exposures. He told me that I needed to watch horror movies nonstop for hours a day. He told me to repeat over and over, "I will be broken forever," and he told me that when an intrusive thought or image (flashback) hits I am NOT allowed to self soothe.

I went to another OCD specialist and she said that while the movies were a bad idea, PTSD is the same as OCD and the ONLY treatment is ERP. I asked her if, when I dissociate or have a panic attack I can self soothe, and she said absolutely not. That I'd only get tangled with my thoughts and in an argument with myself. That during a flashback if I say, "i am safe," I am feeding the fears.

I saw her for awhile because I was so desperate to feel better and the PTSD people in town were full. All of them. I see my psychiatrist and she is incredible, but not a therapist.
Now I am stuck with the OCD people's voices in my head. For example, I will wake up from a horrific night terror and say, "I am safe. I am OK." and then hear them say, "NO! DON'T DO THAT! YOU NEED TO BE OK WITH NOT BEING SAFE!" And when I have the urge to wake up my husband to hold my hand or put his hand on my back, I hear them saying, "You are only looking for reassurance! Don't do that!"

It is such a big mess.

I did a CPT day program that was OK and I had lots of improvement, but it was 12 weeks. So now I am without a therapist again.

I haven't told that OCD stuff to anyone but tonight it's making me feel super overwhelmed. How damaging they were.

I wish SO MUCH that I had a good therapist. Someone compassionate and caring and truly understands PTSD.

I pray that I find that. So much.

I am on paxil but cannot take anything else. I was drugged during BOTH traumas so even thinking of taking advil is too much to handle.

Right now I am looking for you to validate and tell me there is hope. I just need hope.
Where are the success stories? I need them!

 

[EveHarrington]

Can you look into online therapy?

I’m so sorry that the OCD treatment did so much damage.

I’ve had obsessive thinking as a part of ptsd but I suppose it was a different animal entirely?

I’m not sure what else to advise.

Can you get on therapy waiting lists?

In the meantime can you do self help ptsd workbooks?

:hug:

 

[Friday]

Yep. Different disorders have different treatments, and what works best for one will often make another far worse.

Treating PTSD like it’s OCD is stupid. <<< Tell that to the voices

Now... I have comorbid disorders. Some of their symptoms overlap. Oftentimes I can very easily tell that this is a PTSD thing, or this is an ADHD thing, (even though “on paper” it’s the same symptom) and hit it with what works best. Other times? I can’t tell, so I hit it with both sets of tools, to see what works and what makes shit worse. Conversely, some of my ADHD skills? Are invaluable with my PTSD stuff. And vice versa. But I have no way of knowing if that’s only because I’m comorbid (extra cheerful ;)), or If Skill A of Skill B would be useful for anyone. Which is why when I’m sharing tips and tricks with people, I preface if it’s an ADHD trick, when I’m talking to PTSD peeps, or a PTSD trick if I’m talking to ADHD’ers. Because it’s necessary information. Because, again, what works best for one disorder can often make another disorder far worse.

At the end of the day? A therapist is no more than a teacher. Some teachers are great, some suck, but they all specialize, and none of them have magical powers. They don’t outrank you. It’s your decision what you decide to learn from them. You do not have to swallow everything they tell you whole. Especially when what they’re telling you works great for dyslexics but not blind kids, or great for speed readers but not dyslexics. Or, you know, PTSD vs OCD. Someone wants to share tips and tricks with you? Great. If they work, keep them, if they make things worse, don’t.

 

[blackemerald1]

Now I am stuck with the OCD people's voices in my head.

^^Well tell them to F*ck off - because they don't belong in your head!

And when I have the urge to wake up my husband to hold my hand or put his hand on my back, I hear them saying, "You are only looking for reassurance! Don't do that!"

^^If he doesn't mind you waking him for reassurance - do it. For the love of God! You need some care, love and support and if he's able to provide you with some of that - go right ahead!

I had PTSD in 1998. I worked my ass off and it was still there but more a whisper.

^^Then you know that you can reach a place where trauma isn't dictating you. So give it your best shot. You can do this! Just not with stupid counsellors or whatever these people thought they were... Get someone qualified in trauma and trial them - no more ridiculous notions. They are too damaging.

So I started googling my symptoms and hit a big dark rabbit hole. Not good

^^No more Dr. Google - lol - give yourself a break. :hug:

only to feel more terrified by everything I found.

^^It's always that way isn't it. Search for causes of a headache and become convinced it's a brain tumour...

someone tell me that PTSD isn't real - that it's all only OCD and that in order to be OK I needed to do extreme exposures

^^Well she's wrong. OCD is one disorder and ptsd is another. As Friday mentioned their symptoms may overlap in some people but this person cannot dismiss an entire psychiatric disorder because of her world view. It doesn't work that way.

told me that I needed to watch horror movies nonstop for hours a day

^^That's entirely bizarre and it isn't going to work - you know this - right?

He told me to repeat over and over, "I will be broken forever,"

^^Wrong again! Tell these people to take down their shingles and go try selling snake oil. What a incredibly ignorant thing to say and....how it is this helpful to you in any shape or form? Love to be a fly on the wall for that answer lol..

I am NOT allowed to self sooth

^^Self-soothing in constructive ways is sometimes the only tool left in the box to help deal with ptsd. Develop self-soothing, grounding, self-regulating techniques to help yourself. You ARE SO allowed to self soothe.

PTSD is the same as OCD and the ONLY treatment is ERP.

^^Just another ignorant statement. There are a lot of treatments for ptsd. Some will work for you, another's may not. It is very much try them out and see.

If ERP was the only treatment - do you think there would be literally a smorgasbord of alternative's out there too...

Roll up your sleeves and prepare to take it on again. You can do it and you WILL do it. You sound highly motivated and realistic. You are right to question the advice thus far given. Your commonsense radar picked up this nonsense. If you just want someone to say that almost everything you have been told by these people is wrong. I am here to do it.

Right now I am looking for you to validate and tell me there is hope. I just need hope.

^^You have had ptsd before - therefore the likelihood of it returning or another trauma causing ptsd is higher for you thaan someone who has not had it. That doesn't mean you are stuck with being really symptomatic forever. You can and highly likely will recover substantially. So there is definetly hope for you. Take hope.. lot's of it. :)

Where are the success stories? I need them!

There is a thread on this site I read some time ago regarding some very pleasing and positive outcomes. I've tried doing a title search but cannot locate it. Maybe have a go searching for it yourself or contact admin & they may be able to assist.

There are ptsd success stories out there. Hell - you are one of them! Have you forgotten that you moved on from your first trauma so well?

Work hard to find one good psychiatrist or therapist. I really want you to get back to your husband and children and all that living you want to do - post haste! :hug:

 

[Justmehere]

I used to have OCD. I also do have PTSD. Watching horror movies ito cure mental health problems is damn stupid. OCD and PTSD are not basically the same disorders. ERP is not the only treatment for OCD or PTSD.

So. Being told BS lead to things getting worse... working with a sound therapist is bound to help.

See a trauma specialist. They can sort out the trauma and help you find treatment that is more effective for whatever condition you have now after the trauma.

There is a lot of reason for hope. Everything you describe is treatable. Since CPT was helpful, I’d suggest looking into self help workbooks for DBT skills until you get into a solid trauma therapist.

 

[joeylittle]

in March I tried to find a therapist right away and simply could not.

Try clicking on the words find a therapist - they'll take you to a site that we've partnered with called GoodTherapy, they have an excellent index of therapists - it's more well-vetted and thorough than what is available through psychology today's listings.

Maybe there's someone in your area that you haven't stumbled on yet.

Where are the success stories? I need them!

Try looking at threads in the accomplishments forum. Lots of stories of folks here accomplishing both big and little things....it might be a nice place for you to just hang out and browse when you're feeling low.

 

[shimmerz]

Every day as a potential success story. The success may not be Imel better today but you remember that in order to get to healing takes a lot of little successes. Are you taking note of those? Are you watching for potential triggers and trying to strip them out of your life? Do you have tools available to you for coping day by day?

 

[DharmaGirl]

When searching for therapists, you will find several dumbasses. Then you will find one that clicks and you will get the help you need. As many here have said, you are your best example of hope. You got your symptoms under control before, and I firmly believe you will again. Keep posting on the forums, they are an excellent form of therapy too!

 

[hithere]

I had PTSD in 1998. I worked my ass off and it was still there but more a whisper. Than in March of this year I experienced another trauma and it all came back. Only this time I have children and a husband and a big ol life to live.

I haven't shared this with anyone but when the PTSD came rushing in in March I tried to find a therapist right away and simply could not. Everyone was booked. So I started googling my symptoms and hit a big dark rabbit hole. Not good.

I would spend my days googling frantically to try and "solve" the case, only to feel more terrified by everything I found.

At one point I had someone tell me that PTSD isn't real - that it's all only OCD and that in order to be OK I needed to do extreme exposures. He told me that I needed to watch horror movies nonstop for hours a day. He told me to repeat over and over, "I will be broken forever," and he told me that when an intrusive thought or image (flashback) hits I am NOT allowed to self soothe.

I went to another OCD specialist and she said that while the movies were a bad idea, PTSD is the same as OCD and the ONLY treatment is ERP. I asked her if, when I dissociate or have a panic attack I can self soothe, and she said absolutely not. That I'd only get tangled with my thoughts and in an argument with myself. That during a flashback if I say, "i am safe," I am feeding the fears.

I saw her for awhile because I was so desperate to feel better and the PTSD people in town were full. All of them. I see my psychiatrist and she is incredible, but not a therapist.
Now I am stuck with the OCD people's voices in my head. For example, I will wake up from a horrific night terror and say, "I am safe. I am OK." and then hear them say, "NO! DON'T DO THAT! YOU NEED TO BE OK WITH NOT BEING SAFE!" And when I have the urge to wake up my husband to hold my hand or put his hand on my back, I hear them saying, "You are only looking for reassurance! Don't do that!"

It is such a big mess.

I did a CPT day program that was OK and I had lots of improvement, but it was 12 weeks. So now I am without a therapist again.

I haven't told that OCD stuff to anyone but tonight it's making me feel super overwhelmed. How damaging they were.

I wish SO MUCH that I had a good therapist. Someone compassionate and caring and truly understands PTSD.

I pray that I find that. So much.

I am on paxil but cannot take anything else. I was drugged during BOTH traumas so even thinking of taking advil is too much to handle.

Right now I am looking for you to validate and tell me there is hope. I just need hope.
Where are the success stories? I need them!

Oh my gosh thank you so much for posting! I can't thank you enough. I asked on a few occassions on this site (and other places online) what people's experience with CPT was, as I did the 12 sessions. I don't think anyone on this site has done it, except me. In many ways it was helpful. BUT BUT BUT-- in many ways treating my PTSD in this manner made me so much WORSE because the t would not "discuss" the other stuff that surrounded it . Because there was so much more... I can't write anymore right now, I'm actually getting overwhelmed emotionally because the whole therapy was such a mind screw. (so I'm crying now)

You post is timely, because I now am doing something DIFFERENT again -- I"m doing what your OCD people said to do. I'm not grounding myself when I dissociate, and I'm not telling my self I'm safe or in the current year. I just started this treatment (with the same CBT CPT therapist) and today is my first day with to not try and "get out of it." I know I sound confusing.

I did the CPT, it was fine. But I had a LOT of emotions I had to deal with and my "truamas" also involve a lot of complexities and confusing things. This therapy just about did me in! The therapist did not work with transference-and I had a lot of abandonment transference. So, luckily, we started with IFS, and that was the most helpful for me. Stuff started flying out of me so easily! What took me half a year to discuss was not easily coming out of me--BUT it just scared the CBT therapist and then he said he wasn't trained in it, so he wouldn't work with the exiles--what a MESS that was. They just felt rejected over and over again. And being the masochist I am I just kept going back for more pain.

So I am now quitting all trauma therapy, however, using the same t I'm doing some CBT-purist stuff again. I will see where this goes by not self- soothing, no grounding, I'm going to try it. I am just starting this today actually, so your post is so interesting to me.

However, please know that these CBT therapists can be so unhelpful. It seems to me (for me anyway) there are these "stories" and they need told--and they aren't being told-- so hear come all the symptoms.

I had PTSd 30 years ago, worked really hard for 3 years, and I was doing really, really well for over 25 years. Until an event happened at the start of 2014, and it all came flooding in like a rush. I almost became disabled. I've been working hard on it for 2 years now. I am better though! When I compare to two years ago, I am way better. Compared to last year I am way better.

Internal Family Systems helped me. CPT did help, there was actually wisdom in it. BUT I needed W A Y different therapy than that.

I now know I need a lot of validation, a lot of encouragement, and I need to hear it over and over--and it is not ocd. (I have ocd so I can tell the difference) It's what I need to get through the painful processing of it all. It's WAY TOO PAINFUL. (mine deals with a lot of betrayal and abandonment, so maybe that's the difference?) Mine is childhood through adult-so that might be different too.

I hope you can hear something of value in this. I do believe there is hope.

 

[Abstract]

A lot of what you were told was just plain wrong. I can totally see why it would mess with things now/ Well done to you for working so hard and being so committed to heal. If you keep that attitude and think through carefully what you need and do that then this can and will change. Sorry you are suffering with this and I hope you find a good trauma t soon. As others said maybe internet would be better than this if you cant find someone local. Hope you get all the validation and support you need.

 

[Starfire]

Perhaps I'm dense but isn't the whole purpose of therapy to make one safe & successfully functioning in life? If holding your husband's hand accomplished that, seem like an obvious choice. If self soothing, keeps you operational, then why not?

 

[Nessa7]

Does the place that you attended CPT classes provide any other services? Even if it isn't therapy or a therapeutic setting, it can be helpful to spend time in person with people that are going through similar things.