What am I not seeing?

[PreciousChild]

Hi @grit. I appreciate your perspective. Maybe not everyone would approach therapy the same way as I would, and you seem to know your boundaries. I guess I approach therapy in terms of opening up wounds to heal them in a safe environment, but maybe that's not the only approach.

One thing I'm hearing from what you write that might be worth considering is the issue of transference. I've felt before that my therapist could not truly be someone I could trust because she (it's almost always a she) is just doing her job/getting paid/being professional. But I think that was me projecting my feelings about my parents. Therapists are there every week or however often to hear you out, and whether they get paid or not, they become a person you can trust (in part because confidentiality and ethics are explicitly a part of the relationship). I also get paid to do a job, but I still care about my colleagues and proteges. The humanness doesn't have to be undermined because someone is also professional.

 

[grit]

Thanks PreciousChild,

there are a lot of good thoughts in your post.
I will have to take this comment and process it further because you are the second one who said the same thing so maybe again (I am not seeing what I am not seeing but you and the other person are sensing it).
both you and this person made the comment (here and elsewhere) that I have the feeling the therapist does not care about me.

I do not feel that way but maybe I am operating as such so I am a bit blind to that underneath feeling!

I am hesitant about therapeutic methods, the techniques of how it is set up. I do free association therapy and even though it can help a lot, I find free association and having dissociation is like fire and water! or maybe!!! this is how I avoid the truth in a sophisticated way. (-:

I will definitely look into it more to see if my fear is "I think the therapist does not care".

thank you for taking the time to help me.

 

[PreciousChild]

I've had transference issues in the past. My ex had an extreme transference response to his previous therapists. He'd start to go, but would quit within weeks, and he'd always say that the therapist just didn't like him, so he did them a favor and quit. Guess what his relationship is like with his parents?!! But in a way, it goes deeper. There is a defense mechanism that drives us to keep the "truth" covered up. The way van der Kolk describes it, there are parts of ourselves that are invested in keeping our "bad" parts covered up because they interfere with our smooth public functioning that is crucial for survival. So there's a part of us trying to pull us away from therapy where the "truth" might come out.

 

[ILoveLife]

There is no shock value and burdensome.

^^ This stood out to me.

Maybe while it is not that shocking to you (yet or already), the thought that it is shocking to others bothers you due to putting you in a place of seeing the horrors of what was done to you not by the minimizing glasses, but by other's reality moral values glasses?

I don't think you're difficult at all. I really, really like you.
I think you've jumped to conclusions on posts of mine before, but I don't think that's a character flaw or anything, more like maybe you have thoughts in your head about my situation, but this is the internet and I don't say everything, right? Perfectly fine, not a difficult issue to solve or anything.

 

[grit]

^^ This stood out to me.

Maybe while it is not that shocking to you (yet or already), the thought that it is shocking to others bothers you due to putting you in a place of seeing the horrors of what was done to you not by the minimizing glasses, but by other's reality moral values glasses?

I don't think you're difficult at all. I really, really like you.
I think you've jumped to conclusions on posts of mine before, but I don't think that's a character flaw or anything, more like maybe you have thoughts in your head about my situation, but this is the internet and I don't say everything, right? Perfectly fine, not a difficult issue to solve or anything.

Thanks @Sietz

I really appreciated your feedback and nice words. I have many character flaws but I am OK and I am sorry if I am jumping all over your posts sometimes.

I've had transference issues in the past. My ex had an extreme transference response to his previous therapists. He'd start to go, but would quit within weeks, and he'd always say that the therapist just didn't like him, so he did them a favor and quit. Guess what his relationship is like with his parents?!! But in a way, it goes deeper. There is a defense mechanism that drives us to keep the "truth" covered up. The way van der Kolk describes it, there are parts of ourselves that are invested in keeping our "bad" parts covered up because they interfere with our smooth public functioning that is crucial for survival. So there's a part of us trying to pull us away from therapy where the "truth" might come out.

As much as I believe defense mechanism, what is the most important thing is all humans strive to be healthy and pain free.
Even cutting oneself is another form to end all pain. That is how important is to be healthy and less pain!

so transference are good. I believe they can be a vehicle to healing but I do not believe staying in therapy that is not helping is useful either. Otherwise we should all stay the first relationship we had no matter how much we did not get along because running away meant we did not want to face the truth! There is no truth. your truth today is someone else false or even your false tomorrow.

your ex sounds like he had a very difficult childhood as mine and brought that dynamic to therapy and the therapist either helps you or re-enacts with you or stays neutral to a point since neutrality means not being involved one way or another. most likely most people leave because the therapy relationship is not helping and it is adding to the pain to a point of high frustration much higher than the usual threshold for that person.

one of the most important step in every therapy that most therapist skip because it is hard to see and feel is stabilize the client. does the client feel safe? Most therapist skip this and/or assume that is basic. It is not,

think deeply, why would a defense this bad is activated in therapy room? because it is not safe at that moment. Regardless of the theme or the memory that are brought up, the person is feeling unsafe in the head or in reality. A good connected relate-able therapist may or may not activate the "run away" defense but they work with it...not just say yeah you have issues! OK Sherlock! I would retort!

In my experience, and I am really in love with transference and find them very useful, if a defense is activated and I am unconscious of it but the therapist is conscious of it or can feel it in his/her counter-transference but does not help me bring that to the consciousness within reasonable time, the relationship is soiled. Reasonable time is the therapeutic alliance is in jeopardy!

Your ex seems he had re-enacted therapy and also outside of that perhaps he was acting out in relationship with you or others (hence why he is ex) - I am making a wild assumption here. As for me, I can say with some conviction, I am not acting out THAT defense whatever it is in my marriage or with my friends so if that defense is showing up in therapy and the therapist is not interpreting or somewhat assisting me to define it or see it in the here and now, yeah that relationship is going down. and maybe it is noone's fault but the dynamic.