PTSD And Prison Rape

[ISupportHer]

I am going to weigh in here. Hope I don't offend or get my head chopped off. I would hope that those reading my posts know me as someone who is "inclusive" of others, not "exclusive" of others.

I don't want to keep harping on the books I keep mentioning. I bring this up because one of them, not sure which, discussed this concept of believing the sufferer. This is not meant as autobiographical, I want to make that clear. But the book brings up that sometimes it is hard to accept that your loved one was sexually assaulted and that sometimes that can "come out" (my words) as qustioning the facts on the part of the carer. That sometimes it is a result of questioning what the hell is happening. Again, my words.

The book stresses that if a carer has doubts, that they should talk about it with a trusted friend privately to work through those feelings and that you NEED to do that if you have doubts so that you do NOT even HINT disbelief to your spouse/partner.

I would give my searching for information on dissociation as an example. I really came here to this forum for information on it. For me, it wasn't that I flat out didn't believe, it's just that I have to understand in order to take it in and work through what I am seeing and trying so hard to, well, accept. I am just bringing this up as food for thought.

There are some guys who are jerks and don't even try to understand. Sorry, can't hit the back button to see the name of the author, but I would advise you to examine what YOUR beliefs are, because if you have any desire whatsoever to support your partner, you HAVE to work through your questioning and believe her. Just that simple I think. Not easy though, perhaps. I do commend you for being here.

I would, however, advise you to be sensative to where you are. There are many great people here but many who have endured extreme trauma. Frankly, I feel I have a fairly sensative "Bullsh*t meter" and I see people coming here and posting such personal things in an attempt to heal. I believe every word.

Adding this about the question about not remembering. The dissociation IS a defense mechanism. Some have this to the extent of DID. All of this is protective, so yes, it is something that can happen as a sifferer is just trying to survive.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

entershift,

I am a trauma victim but it was not rape. However, I would like to point out - at the moment of my traumatic event I blanked out. I ~~~cannot~~~ remember the time afterwards. I blank out and I come back into consciousness being treated on the scene for shock. Unlike your partner - my trauma was on videotape (it happened at a hotel, and although there was no cameras in the room, for obvious reasons regarding privacy, there were cameras in the lobby, elevator, and hallways on each floor). Thus, a significant part was literally on camera. Caught on tape. So it is therefore certain I did not imagine this event. It is right there on tape. That said, I am telling you without a word of deceit that i ~cannot~ remember the moments afterwards. I suppose sometimes the brain is literally so disturbed by something it has no choice but to hit the 'delete' button so to speak.

Just something for you to think about. Not trying to attack you here, but memory loss is a common thing amongst trauma sufferers. And I really believe it a defence mechanism on behalf of the brain.

To add to that, I have not seen the tape. I dont ever wish to see the tape as I'm not sure I could handle it. That said, I'm glad the tape exists. Because, at times it feels so surreal I would hate to be in a position where I had no real evidence of this event. I would hate to be sitting there thinking 'well, I can't remember what happened afterwards - so what if it didn't really happen?'.

I can only imagine the further emotional torment that would put me through. Perhaps, something to think about.

 

[entershift]

Thank you all for the responses. I have been reading about being the supportive partner of an abuse survivor, and understand that believing the survivor is paramount. At the same time, believing that a bailheld girl who was incarcerated for a month and a half was the victim of repeated gang rape at the hands of the guards is as plausible as believing she was abducted by cannibals amd narrowly escaped being cooked in a stew. Sure it's possible, but in all the prison abuse survivor testimonies I have read I have yet to find a story remotely similar. Surely if such abuse were both rampant and able to be acted upon with such impunity, a few more stories would have surfaced, especially during the long Congressional hearings that surrounded the Prison Rape Elimination Act. At the same time, this girl is a recovering heroin addict who has also lied about being in porn, being a prostitute, and other depraved stuff. At what point do I believe and I what point do I apply the same standards I afford every other part of my life.

 

[catjudo]

At the same time, this girl is a recovering heroin addict who has also lied about being in porn, being a prostitute, and other depraved stuff. At what point do I believe and I what point do I apply the same standards I afford every other part of my life.

I truly mean this with all due respect, but if all this is true why are you still with this girl?

 

[Deleted member 5760]

My thoughts also catjudo,

Again, with respect - obviously you have no belief in anything this person says, so why are you bothering posting on this forum or spending time with her? Sounds like you have a decision to make entershift, because obviously all this is doing is making you frustrated and negative.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I agree with superjen and catjudo.

 

[entershift]

Relationships aren't always black and white. In some level, and judging by the amnt of responses and views this thread has garnered, the drama is addictive. (I'm also in recovery). I guess there isno answer to this question then, because the "believe the survivor" truism crumbles when you hear more about her.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

entershift,

I think the point we(or at least I, I cant speak for others) are trying to make is - it really doesn't matter whether we believe this girl. You are the one in her life and you obviously don't believe her. So there's your answer. You don't believe her. You don't believe or trust this person - so there's really no point in you continuing dealing with her if that is the case? Perhaps you are addicted to the drama, yup...?

 

[catjudo]

I don't think it's a matter of the "believe the survivor" truism crumbling. You've asked our opinions and we've told you her story is possible and that it is important to show her support and believe her. But regardless of what we say, you come back and try to explain why you just can't believe her. So the only question left is if she is so deceitful and you just cannot believe her (about this or seemingly anything she tells you), why are you with her? We're not saying we don't believe her. We don't know her. What matters is if you, her boyfriend, can believe and support her. It seems as if no matter what you hear, you have it in your head that she has to be lying. If that's the kind of person you believe her to be, why would you stay in a relationship with her?

 

[pebbels]

This must surely be doing your head in entershift, i know it would be to mine if i was with a person who is known to tell lies, cry wolf so to speak then unfortunately when something really does happen nobody believes them, and yet you continue to stay with someone that you KNOW has lied in the past, all i can say is bugger that and i hope for your girlfriends sake regardless of whether you don't know if she is telling you the truth or not that you are not TELLING HER that!!

Pebs

 

[AthenaErdmann]

She says she doesn't know if it's real or not. Is that common? I can not having full recollection, but not knowing if it was real or a dream?

Warning: a part of this is very blunt. Also, this may not be relevant to her situation at all, as I am extrapolating, and that is partly based on my childhood experiences.

If it was dark when these things happened to her, that may confuse things for her quite a bit. One of my own problems is that very important memories of early sexual abuse concern situations where it was dark, something or someone was covering my face/eyes or the abuser was behind me. I still feel disturbed, sometimes strongly, about not being able to report details about what happened, because I did not see what was happening to me. The physical memories (pain, nausea etc.) are a jumbled mess, and not very informative.

I am also guessing that if any kind of drug was involved, especially in addition to darkness, the experience would easily take on a very unreal quality. As far as I can figure out, I was drugged only once, after the very first incident. My memories of that drugged down day (or two) are very, very eerie and feel quite unreal and dream-like.

And if I may be horribly blunt (sorry for this, but I feel it is relevant): if I was a prison guard planning to sexually abuse inmates, I sure as hell would do my best to drug the intended victim(s) - less risks for myself on every level: less fighting back, less noise, less likely (s)he remembers enough afterwards to be able to do anything about it. And if there was a rape gang consisting of several guards, my paranoia suggests that using drugs would be even more likely (their "operation" would likely be more systematic, and avoiding detection would be very high priority for them).

So at least I can imagine factors that might make her feel unsure about the facts. But I cannot know if any of my guesses have anything to do with what happened to her.

I wish you both strength - do keep coming back whenever you feel like we could be of help!

Athena

 

[Deleted member 5760]

entershift,

To add to what Athena has just said - and as athena has pointed out, I sincerely hope this post does not offend. Basically, whichever situation is true, it does come down to a few possible 'truths' in this situation. You say you dont believe her, that she is/was a drug user, etc. So I suppose one of a few things 'could' be happening here.
Either :
a) she is/was using drugs which distorts a person's mind (addiction)
b) your 'suspicions' are correct, in which case she is somewhat of a 'pathological liar', or
c) she's telling the truth and her memory has been jumbled through trauma

No matter the answer I suppose you are dealing with someone with a mental illness... So I suppose the question you need to ask yourself is are you prepared to deal with someone who is suffering a mental illness. If you are not, no shame on you. It's an incredibly difficult puzzle to solve when you set out to solve the riddle of mental illness. It is draining and it is certainly confusing.

But that is, I suppose, what it comes down to - are you prepared to take on someone experiencing mental health issues.

Again, my opinion, and I do hope I haven't offended anyone with this post.