Relationship Worse Before It's Better? Looking for Experience with Starting Therapy, Especially EMDR

[NaeNae75]

Hello, all! I'm looking for either supporter's views of their S/O's starting in therapy or sufferer's recollections of their experiences. I honestly can't remember what it was like when I started, and I don't know how it affected my relationship.
So basically, my (ex?)S/O of the last 9 years started EMDR recently. Honestly every time he's started new therapy, we've had a breakup period, now that I'm thinking about it, but this time is way different. It's so much more pronounced. I'm treating our break up, as a breakup, but am remaining in his life - at least for now. He has not been too harsh, so I don't feel the need to leave. But I have noticed a major increase in him seeming very angry, especially after he has started EMDR. Like last Monday, I had no choice but to get in touch with him and he was SOOO angry. He's been harsh with pretty much everyone. It seems every time I talk to him, things are getting so much worse in so many ways, but he's playing it off as getting better. He also mentioned one of the reasons he needed to break up is because he "doesn't want to feel like he has to answer to anyone for anything" and that he can make any choices he wants. Now, of course, he always could, but he feels if I have an opinion about something, that he has to listen to it. I don't expect that, but he thinks that way.

For example: he's talking about how much he's getting done with finally almost having his house clean, and that he's getting his son to bed on a more regular schedule and working diligently on his homework. But if you ask his son, that's not entirely true. The new roommate is doing a lot of it, and his dad seems to be completely withdrawn. I know he's fairly withdrawn from me. He has also stated that he feels he needs to focus on "putting out his fires" and that he isn't even capable of looking at any future since his present is so bad right now. He's worried about his emotional, physical, financial, and the state of his house. He didn't even really mention anything about his son when we were talking about it, until I brought him up. If it's me looking at it, it seems like he's trying to deal with it all by controlling things he can. Like, a lot of people clean obsessively when anxious or feeling out of control.

Can anyone shed any light on their experiences? I'm not trying to control his outcomes, or stop him, or whatever. I'm just trying to get a glimpse of what might be going on and see if there's anything I can do in the meantime to stay connected while maintaining my own autonomy and allowing him his. I don't want to leave because I believe we do have a chance, but I also know it may not be for months/years. I honestly don't know.

 

[Freida]

I've been doing it pretty much weekly for going on two years now and can tell you --- EMDR is hell. Sheer unadulterated hell. The only reason I stick with it is that when it works it is unbelievable!!! That horrible memory in my head that scares/angers/depresses the crap out of me is suddenly just. a non event.
So its worth it.
But
There's a pretty heavy price because it requires that you relieve the experience. You pull up the memory and go thru it again. All the sights, sounds, and physical and emotional pain. And that is tough.

My sessions kinda go like this...
I get to therapy and we review last week, then set up the equipment (I use headphones, some people use visual ques or hand buzzers) Then we discuss which memory we are going to work on and how I "feel" both physical (remembered pain) and emotionally (how it affected me). It took me almost a year to be able to answer that question and saying "I don't know" or "i don't feel" until I did was damned annoying.

Next you start the process of going into the memory, reliving it, then re framing how you feel about it. It takes for freaking ever because the processing is done in seconds. I started at about 15 and I think now I can go for up to three couple minutes. Did I mention you are reliving it? Ya - that thing that gave you ptsd in the first place is back in all it's glory. :(

I come home, jump in the tub for a salt soak because for me it is so physically painful, then go to bed. I can't have anyone around me. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad - usually I'm just exhausted. I'll listen to meditation tapes or spa music for a while, then I'm usually up and down all night prowling the house. It takes about 24 hours to get out of my system and if anyone tries to talk to me or make me interact during that time.... well lets say I'm not so nice. I think the term Raging Bitch has been used a time or two. :laugh: I'm so brain dead I can't spell C.A.T. Its like my brain is eating itself. Finally it breaks and then I can be a human again. That's weird -- its like a light switch flips and whoosh I'm back to human.

A couple days later I'll have a rebound and get sucked into the memory again - but that's not as dramatic. It works it's way out and then do it again next week. And ya, it was way worse when I first started because I didn't have a routine of coping skills in place. those took a while to work out. So yea - I get why he's acting harsh. It really does mess you up.

Everyone in my world knows to not even try to engage with me on Day 2. There isn't anything anyone can do for me because I'm on such overload. And yep- If I have enough energy my house get sparkly clean that day. The only reason i do it is that I know it works -- and when it does it's like 10000 pounds of weight are lifted off my soul. But it is an ugly process.

Of course this is just my experience, other people may have an easier time with it but.... most I talk to kinda follow this pattern.

Hope that helps??




.

 

[Kubash16]

So I haven’t dived (dove? Whatever) into EMDR for the really really nitty gritty. It’s only been resourceing and some lighter stuff that needed worked. Even so, I’m down for the count for a bit. Just doing therapy in general has drained me and made me really symptomatic because I’m dealing with feeling all the feelings again and can’t just numb out. It’s pure hell and extremely exhausting. Even after this lighter and/or resource building sessions I sleep for forever and have nightmares.

 

[NaeNae75]

I know he doesn't "show down" his schedule for it. He's also told me a few weeks ago that it doesn't make him tired and doesn't seem "difficult" so he's afraid it won't work. But then I asked him if he noticed his anger recently and asked him to bring it up with his T.

He said the next time he did, ....and she says it's related but he doesn't want to talk about it any more than that. Which is fine. He's been withdrawn about a lot of stuff, so I let him take the lead on what to share.

He did say he struggles with how much to share because "conventional wisdom dictates broken up couples can't be friends". I asked him at what point have we ever been conventional. I told him too that he's been withdrawn from me for a while now, and I don't see that much of a difference. The sad part is, other than the amount of time he's spending away, that's sort of true.

So at first, did it make your relationships more difficult, as in pushing away? Did that get any better? Im not going to hold my breath that he's going to want to be with me any time soon, but I'm not going anywhere either. Not for now. Honestly, if you look at my mess lately, In no position to be dating either.

I'm also worried in how it's affecting his relationship with his son. It's quite strained right now, and I don't know if he even realizes it. His son is pretty upset with him. He's honestly feeling unimportant to either of his parents now. It breaks my heart.

I hate that there's nothing I can do more than offer support. If he doesn't let me be involved I can't do anything beyond that. It's rough for me to be this shut out. I'm also not the biggest fan of not feeling very loved right now.

That makes me feel selfish too, because I know so many people here would give almost anything to have close to daily contact. But it is a daily reminder that there's nothing I can do but just be in relation to them.

I have to trust the process and let him try to work out his stuff. I have to believe what he's telling me. I'm not sure what is true or real and what isn't. I don't think he knows either. This is really hard.

Is it possible that he could be disassociating after or something so that he can keep up with work, his son, etc? If so, does that negate part of the process or? ?

 

[Kubash16]

Dissociation is definitely possible.

I can’t speak about certain relationships because I’m not a parent and I don’t have a SO right now.

However, every other relationship I have, literally every single one has been changing drastically. Mostly in a negative way. Therapy and EMDR rip you apart and you feel raw and exposed and for me anyway I feel like outside is just sooo much chaos and all I want is to hide out away from everyone. I’ve been told I’m really moody and have an attitude, but it’s not intentional and I don’t see it enough to stop it or change it.

 

[NaeNae75]

Dissociation is definitely possible.

I can’t speak about certain relationships because I’m not a parent and I don’t have a SO right now.

However, every other relationship I have, literally every single one has been changing drastically. Mostly in a negative way. Therapy and EMDR rip you apart and you feel raw and exposed and for me anyway I feel like outside is just sooo much chaos and all I want is to hide out away from everyone. I’ve been told I’m really moody and have an attitude, but it’s not intentional and I don’t see it enough to stop it or change it.

Wow! I'm sorry you're experiencing that. But I hope you're proud for sticking with it for your own health. Are you feeling any benefits of it yet? I really hope so.
Are the people in your other relationships aware of what you're going through?
I think because I'm aware, I've been very willing to grant him a lot of latitude. He's not being abusive, so I don't see any reason to be anything but supportive.

Honestly, hearing your story strengthens my resolve. He's always done his very best to support me too. I'm just trying to find the balance of a space/ support ratio.

Do you feel there's anything you wished your people knew, understood or would do differently?

 

[Kubash16]

Wow! I'm sorry you're experiencing that. But I hope you're proud for sticking with it for your own health. Are you feeling any benefits of it yet? I really hope so.
Are the people in your other relationships aware of what you're going through?
I think because I'm aware, I've been very willing to grant him a lot of latitude. He's not being abusive, so I don't see any reason to be anything but supportive.

Honestly, hearing your story strengthens my resolve. He's always done his very best to support me too. I'm just trying to find the balance of a space/ support ratio.

Do you feel there's anything you wished your people knew, understood or would do differently?

It’s a little complicated in my situation. I currently live with a childhood abuser. Everyone knows the fact that I’m going through EMDR but I don’t think anyone has bothered to educate themselves on it. My family just doesn’t do things like that which is really frustrating. And makes things more difficult. But it’s whatever.

I’m so glad he has you.

 

[NaeNae75]

It’s a little complicated in my situation. I currently live with a childhood abuser. Everyone knows the fact that I’m going through EMDR but I don’t think anyone has bothered to educate themselves on it. My family just doesn’t do things like that which is really frustrating. And makes things more difficult. But it’s whatever.

I’m so glad he has you.

That must be horrible! I know that it's hard for me to deal with my family of origin for similar reasons. They also have zero desire to be healthier or understanding people. I feel very much alone in many situations. Of course, much of it is self inflicted.

He's one of a select few people that I've let in. That's what makes moving away from him forever/ completely is next to impossible for me. I think that this experience would make it very difficult to trust anyone else with my stuff too. It kind of validates my abandonment issues somehow.

I hope you can get to a place that you can have a better support system. It's hard to really go through everything when your in a situation where your still with the abusers and not healthier people.

 

[Abstract]

But it is a daily reminder that there's nothing I can do but just be in relation to them.

I suspect the only way you can come out of this intact at all is to find acceptance of there being nothing you can do in this. If you can let that go I think this will be much less hard on you. Have you done radical acceptance before? DBT.

I wasnt stable enough and able to trust the t enough to do EMDR when it was on the agenda so cant comment about that but anything that intensely engages reliving is going to scramble our brains after. Mean we are much worse in some way or other before we are better. If it was interpersonal trauma then it will show in relationships in some way or other.

He sounds like he is a combination of denial of how his life is really going and protecting you from the details of what is happening. Im not sure what the right way to approach either of those is. Are you sure the daily contact is actually good for you? Are their boundaries you need to set with this?

 

[Freida]

Do you feel there's anything you wished your people knew, understood or would do differently?

I took a while but the best thing my people do is to leave me alone. I don't mean that like stomp my feet and have a tantrum, but more they recognize I need that down time to recoup and they don't hold it against me. That was tough in the beginning because they knew I was hurting and wanted to help. But there was nothing they could do :(

 

[NaeNae75]

I suspect the only way you can come out of this intact at all is to find acceptance of there being nothing you can do in this. If you can let that go I think this will be much less hard on you. Have you done radical acceptance before? DBT.

I wasnt stable enough and able to trust the t enough to do EMDR when it was on the agenda so cant comment about that but anything that intensely engages reliving is going to scramble our brains after. Mean we are much worse in some way or other before we are better. If it was interpersonal trauma then it will show in relationships in some way or other.

He sounds like he is a combination of denial of how his life is really going and protecting you from the details of what is happening. Im not sure what the right way to approach either of those is. Are you sure the daily contact is actually good for you? Are their boundaries you need to set with this?

I have not done radical acceptance, other than just with myself. I do accept there is nothing I can do, but I don't like that, really...but I do accept it.

The majority of his trauma is actually quite interpersonal. Once off the things he's adamant about is that he doesn't want to answer to anyone for anything right now.

Part of this was brought up when I was asking him about his son's new babysitters. I don't know if there's anything going on with him with one of them or not, but there's also nothing I can do about that either. I know his roommate talks to them both, but he swears he's not interested in either of them. I told him that's his prerogative, but I would prefer him to be honest with me about it. He's talked to other women online in the past when we were together, but separated. But he's always purposely chosen "unavailable" women. He likes the ego stroke, but doesn't want to be really involved. He has problems sexually, always has since I've known him, so he doesn't generally want the chance of physicality.

He's going to do what he's going to do, but he's not even paying attention to his son and has purposely made himself too busy to be available to anyone.

But to answer your question, I don't know. Not a good answer, but an honest one. I don't know how good it is for me to be in contact every day. But most of it isn't super emotionally charged. It's light, mostly. I guess I'm afraid if I disconnect completely, he will feel the need to fill the void with someone else. It might sound crazy, but I feel a connection with him unlike any other. After 9years together, you either love each other or you don't. It's easy beyond infatuation. I also know he loves me and it would be difficult for him to see me with anyone else either. I think I've made the disconnect safe, for better or worse.

I suppose if he does start seeing someone else, I'll feel stupid, but if he starts before he's whole, he is going to repeat the pattern anyway. He's never dated anyone other than me for more than a few months. I think he gets something ot of breathing things off. I suppose with us, I was always just willing to wait him out, when most people won't.

I truly believe it's okay for both of us to not date right now, even each other. I believe him when he says he needs to be alone. He likes his solitude, he needs it. But our relationship is important to me too, however it manifests itself to be as friends or as lovers.

But I know right now my focus needs to be becoming whole for myself. I know that I need to focus on me. I know that I'm too invested and that's not healthy. I'm trying to find the balance. I figure there's no way for me to get into another relationship right now, because I don't want to repeat this pattern anymore either.

So I guess in the meantime, I don't know that it hurts to stay in contact with someone I trust.

 

[NaeNae75]

I took a while but the best thing my people do is to leave me alone. I don't mean that like stomp my feet and have a tantrum, but more they recognize I need that down time to recoup and they don't hold it against me. That was tough in the beginning because they knew I was hurting and wanted to help. But there was nothing they could do :(

I definitely try to do this. Especially now after my own therapy the last year or so and with/ through your guidance.

I want him to know I'm accepting of the space. The difference between our situations is him having this roommate there trying to bring other women into the picture. Sigh... if it's meant to be it will, otherwise it won't, I guess.

I guess I just always thought of myself as special in that not many people can accept this type of stuff the way I can. I thought that might make things different for me. But maybe I'm wrong. Honestly, even if he does start seeing someone, I feel for her...I know what she has coming. Hopefully this is one thing he's not lying about. He says he knows he can't be with someone and he has to focus inwards.

It just sucks that 3 months ago we were planning our wedding, and now I'm worried about being replaced after 9years of dedication. He isn't saying he's going to replace me, in fact he says the opposite. He acknowledges his need to pull in and craves being alone. Maybe I'm projecting a little. I'm in no way interested in anyone, but do crave "togetherness".
Weird thing is, I've been asked ot 5 times or so in the last two months once people discovered I'm single again, but I have zero desire to date anyone else right now.

I'm honestly barely functioning between the health stuff and the breakup. I'm not even focusing on my business. I'm not taking care of it, and it's going to have to become a priority soon. I'm going to have to play catch up so I don't self sabotage. Part of me wants to completely give up right now.

Thank you for being here... you all always help so much. No one on the outside gets it. They push me around and try to bend me to their will. I can't deal with it anymore.