Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[Deleted member 47099]

Awwww :hug:

I think you've done incredibly well and gotten yourself heaps of help and grown amazingly.
And I for one am always very impressed by how knowledgeable you are :)
And I think you are also very gentle with your intelligence - you never make anyone else feel less smart, at all :hug:
That's a pretty amazing gift.

I've not read through your diary, but from what you and others have mentioned about your childhood, I'm constantly amazed at how well and kind and smart and compassionate and fun you've turned out.
I think you're an incredible example for the resilience of the soul.

I'm sorry you had such a needy, toxic friend.

I was pretty lucky that my friendship with Nicole was actually good, for a lot of years. When she started hanging out with really toxic people, I put firm boundaries in place and just tried to gently help where I could. I made sure not to get caught up in her drama.
(I was mid 20's to mid 30's at the time tho and doing therapy - so it was easy to set good boundaries. I don't think I could've done it as a kid, either.)

I should probably forgive her for the crazy crap she screamed when she was suicidal and dysregulated and spiralling and in a total meltdown. I think everyone says some pretty crazy stuff when they're in that situation.

But at the time, it really hurt and reeeeeeeeally made me question whether I'd ever been a good friend and whether she'd ever been a good friend. And given she was my closest fried for over 25 years, that was a pretty huge thing to have to question.

Also, I don't know if there's much "point" in forgiving her, other than just making peace with it.

I assume she's still on a path of self-destruction and toxic behaviour, so it's not like my forgiving her would salvage the friendship.

So yeah, destructive friends are a difficult thing...

I'm sorry your friend hurt you like that.

And I'm sorry jealousy tainted you feeling good about yourself.

I think you should be proud of your intelligence! :)

Plus, you have two kinds of being smart: smart brain and smart heart.

I think that's a super important combination.

I know plenty of people who are only "brain smart" and not "heart smart" and it's not very nice!! :p

So keep being you and keep growing!!! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Really messed up that I put up with up. Does it sound like I’m blaming myself?

Sounds like you're trying to process it :hug:

 

[littleoc]

And I for one am always very impressed by how knowledgeable you are :)

Right back at you! You are so full of wisdom and it’s incredibly healing to read it and be around it :hug:

And I think you are also very gentle with your intelligence - you never make anyone else feel less smart, at all :hug:
That's a pretty amazing gift.

Thank you — that makes me feel a lot better.

I think everyone has something they’re most knowledgeable about and that should be a good thing. If one person knew everything, I bet they’d be a computer.

Sounds like you're trying to process it :hug:

Oh, maybe that’s it.

Thanks for the reply @Sophy :hug:

 

[littleoc]

@bellbird I think I’m going to try to run 5K too. I’ll start practicing today. Thanks for sharing the app!!

If I fill my life with goals, I think I’ll continue to feel better.

Unless I get another horrible injury that stops me from doing my hobbies again. That keeps happening, it makes me nervous. But I think I’m going to pretend I don’t care for now. It’s out of my control.

I don’t think I should go back to playing instruments yet, though I saw that a community is looking for a casual musician and that might be another way to socialize. But I think my hands are normal enough at this point that I could re-learn how to paint and draw. It’s been years but I could relearn.

I still can’t properly use a knife — stupid wrists and stupid me being unable to get to a doctor in high school after a serious accident (thanks, mom) (I don’t think my mom meant harm) — but maybe trying to draw again might act like some kind of physical therapy?

But anyway. I still have flat feet. I should probably invest in a shoe insert that will prevent more running injuries.

Why do I sound like a cripple today? Lol. One day I’ll have my own health insurance and have access to a physical therapist any time I need

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Awww, you're sweet :hug:

I'll come and say hi on your diary more often :)

(I kinda just hide out in a small corner of the forum, to not be overwhelmed :facepalm: )

And yeah, knowledge is way cool! I totally have a nerd brain. My brain gobbles up knowledge like crazy.
Good thing that knowledge is endless, so my brain will never run out of stuff to learn! :roflmao:

 

[littleoc]

Same!! Learning is fun anyway!

 

[littleoc]

I forgot to mention, I figured out why my mom was acting stressed about me going to a synagogue. She’s terrified I’m going to get shot.

Found out after I mentioned that the place is doing an Interfaith picnic with the city’s Muslim population — I was excited and telling my mom about it because I was thinking I could invite my Muslim friend who can’t go home for Christmas because he lives in Bangladesh. My mom sounded kind of panicky and said it was a terrible idea.

She said that about the pride parade too. And I didn’t appreciate it because I was trying my absolute hardest to make myself go out and be okay with it after two of my friends died after getting shot in a gay nightclub, so I was trying really hard to silence her and she wasn’t taking the hint.

So I think when/if I go to that picnic I’m not going to tell her. She’ll make it harder for me to be less hypervigilent. (Did I spell that right?)






—
@Sophy You don’t have to read my diary if you don’t want to, though!! Don’t worry about it! I understand how overwhelming it can be sometimes!

 

[somerandomguy]

Sigh. We live in a country where you could get shot at a basketball game, or at the library, or in your house. Your mom doesn't need to worry.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Well, I'm gonna read your diary cos I want to :p

:hug: :hug: :hug:

(It's just a silly habit of not venturing out and about on the forum... Coincidences are wonderful! I love that you quoted a post of mine and now here I am :) ? :hug: )

 

[Freida]

You are brilliant
They are idiots
Go to the picnic and give yourself some MAJOR kudos for not getting caught up in the hate/fear fest that makes up so much of our drama in the US these days

 

[littleoc]

Well, I'm gonna read your diary cos I want to :p

Thank you! I’m flattered!

@somerandomguy lol that’s exactly what I’ll tell my mom. If people are shooting up the grocery store and I managed to miss that, surely I’ll be fine! :P

I think it’ll be fun




—

I did the run!

During, my head started to hurt pretty bad, but my knees, chest, and everything else didn’t hurt! So I just slowed down a little until my head cooperated. I’m sure it’ll get used to going back into regular exercise.

After, my lungs feel tickly. I’m going to assume this house is hurting my lungs pretty bad. Because as far as I know, I do not have asthma.

Although, my sister has a heart problem. Maybe I should make sure I didn’t inherit that. I’m not sure if she got it from her dad’s side (we have different dads) or our mom’s, so maybe I should find that out first. Just to be sure!

Haven’t had any lung issues after exercising in the past, though, so I’m gonna assume that the house I’m living in is doing that. So it’s good that I’m getting out :)

 

[littleoc]

Oh! I also took Nestle with me.

I couldn’t really stand leaving her behind in this house... I know the vet said not to run her for another six months, but it was a beautiful day here today and we used to run together all the time. So we compromised. I never went into a fast enough run to make her have to run. :D

And I think I will take more breaks for her, just be sure that both her knees are okay.

She’s eight and a half years old and still loves to run. So I think letting her jog and walk fast is good. As long as it’s not hurting her, anyway. She needs stress release too. This place is driving her a bit crazy too — she’s been laying on my bed doing nothing all day and not bothering to help me wake up. She probably doesn’t see the point because once I’m up and out of bed, the OCD kicks in :/ poor Noofle