Learning Hugs

[Skywatcher]

I find hugs to be a bit terrifying unless they are with children or brief, as a greeting. The more someone knows about my past, the more difficult it is for me to hug or be hugged by them. I honestly didn’t know or recognize this about myself until therapy. I might also add that I have fearful attachment disorder. So, we are working on hugs, I have a choice, but she keeps encouraging some sort of hug or touch at the end of each appointment. It makes me so anxious and tense.

I notice that if she says something during the hug, I feel comforted... by the words. Last time, I closed my eyes, because the time my eyes were open and I saw her kind smile it made me think of betrayal.

Has anyone had to work on this? Is there a happy ending? Will I ever feel good or relaxed during a hug?

 

[hopefully optimistic]

I do not know. But this all makes me feel nauseous. I can’t even handle a quick hug in greeting, much less by someone that knows anything ???. So, I am no help, but I feel you.

 

[Cypress]

I wish I had something encouraging to say. I don't really like hugs either unless its family or a very close friend. I always shake hands with my therapist at the end of the session and I enjoy that I would not be comfortable at all if he hugged me.

 

[Friday]

There’s a really common sense take on feeling (or showing) love & affection called the 5 Love Languages. In no particular order...

- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
- Quality Time

Most people tend to have a primary or two, one or two secondaries, and then are unaffected -or even actively repelled- by the rest.

When I get all Dont f*cking touch me ...I’m in a really bad place, because physical touch is my very very strong (and very solo) primary. If I care about you at all? I’ve probably touched you a half dozen times in the past hour. Assuming I’m not actually sitting on you (or sprawled over, leaning on, have thrown a leg over, dragging you up off a chair, linked arms, etc.). It’s not a very conscious thing & it’s incrediably difficult for me not to trail my hand over someone’s back as I walk by the chair they’re in, shoulder bump, hair tousle, cheek kiss, and any of 1000 other ways that I’m super handsy (footsy, army, leggy, kissy, huggy, tackley, thumpy, etc.).

I have to work reeeeally hard to “speak” other people’s love languages that have no impact on me. I use the example of my son & gifts (his primary) fairly often. Or my bestie and her words of affirmation. Just like physical touch being far more about the little things, we’re not talking diamonds (season tickets, whatever) and love poems (or grand declarations) for these two, either. Simply giving my son a French fry off my plate or folding a paper crane for him out of a scrap piece of paper? Makes him as glowy happy as if I’d just gone out and bought him something. (For $1 or $1,000). Someone? Is thinking of him. And giving him something. Small/big matters about as little as if someone brushes my cheek with their hand or gives me a flying tackle hug. Ditto my bestie. I get more traction with her if I leave a note on her mirror, or answer the phone to say I can’t talk (instead of letting it go to voice mail) than any other action I could do that doesn’t involve words. (Ditto, words are super powerful to her, if I say it? I’d better mean it!)

I bring all this up because

I notice that if she says something during the hug, I feel comforted... by the words.

Aaaaaaand because what I said earlier about don’t f*cking touch me being a place I go to when doing badly.

Someone trying to get me to connect via one of the love languages I don’t connect to... ever? Acts of Service being a good example... is going to gain zero traction with me. I can do it, sure. It’s just not going to have much value attached to it.

Someone trying to get me to connect using one of my primary or secondary languages? Things I actually feel & feel hard? Are going to net very different results. And have different paths to getting back there, where I can connect.

Has anyone had to work on this? Is there a happy ending? Will I ever feel good or relaxed during a hug?

If any of the above resonates? Where do you think you fall on the touch thing?

If it’s not your language, then I would suspect you’d feel good hugging about as much as I do taking out the trash, buying prezzies, etc. IE Eh. Granted, that’s about a 1000 miles better than don’t ficking touch me! :D But it’s also not going to be warm fuzzies & happy little glow.

If it is your language? Or one of them? Cha. Once the sharp edges and trauma BS are chipped away at... IME... You’ll get that back.

 

[Skywatcher]

There’s a really common sense take on feeling (or showing) love & affection called the 5 Love Languages. In no particular order...

- Physical Touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Gifts
- Quality Time

Most people tend to have a primary or two, one or two secondaries, and then are unaffected -or even actively repelled- by the rest.

When I get all Dont f*cking touch me ...I’m in a really bad place, because physical touch is my very very strong (and very solo) primary. If I care about you at all? I’ve probably touched you a half dozen times in the past hour. Assuming I’m not actually sitting on you (or sprawled over, leaning on, have thrown a leg over, dragging you up off a chair, linked arms, etc.). It’s not a very conscious thing & it’s incrediably difficult for me not to trail my hand over someone’s back as I walk by the chair they’re in, shoulder bump, hair tousle, cheek kiss, and any of 1000 other ways that I’m super handsy (footsy, army, leggy, kissy, huggy, tackley, thumpy, etc.).

I have to work reeeeally hard to “speak” other people’s love languages that have no impact on me. I use the example of my son & gifts (his primary) fairly often. Or my bestie and her words of affirmation. Just like physical touch being far more about the little things, we’re not talking diamonds (season tickets, whatever) and love poems (or grand declarations) for these two, either. Simply giving my son a French fry off my plate or folding a paper crane for him out of a scrap piece of paper? Makes him as glowy happy as if I’d just gone out and bought him something. (For $1 or $1,000). Someone? Is thinking of him. And giving him something. Small/big matters about as little as if someone brushes my cheek with their hand or gives me a flying tackle hug. Ditto my bestie. I get more traction with her if I leave a note on her mirror, or answer the phone to say I can’t talk (instead of letting it go to voice mail) than any other action I could do that doesn’t involve words. (Ditto, words are super powerful to her, if I say it? I’d better mean it!)

I bring all this up because


Aaaaaaand because what I said earlier about don’t f*cking touch me being a place I go to when doing badly.

Someone trying to get me to connect via one of the love languages I don’t connect to... ever? Acts of Service being a good example... is going to gain zero traction with me. I can do it, sure. It’s just not going to have much value attached to it.

Someone trying to get me to connect using one of my primary or secondary languages? Things I actually feel & feel hard? Are going to net very different results. And have different paths to getting back there, where I can connect.

If any of the above resonates? Where do you think you fall on the touch thing?

If it’s not your language, then I would suspect you’d feel good hugging about as much as I do taking out the trash, buying prezzies, etc. IE Eh. Granted, that’s about a 1000 miles better than don’t ficking touch me! :DBut it’s also not going to be warm fuzzies & happy little glow.

If it is your language? Or one of them? Cha. Once the sharp edges and trauma BS are chipped away at... IME... You’ll get that back.

For me, it is acts of service and quality time. My husband’s is touch and words of affirmation. Where it gets confusing? My mom always said that I was a very touchy feely kid. :-/ I don’t remember that and think it goes back to the grooming and the people pleasing you get from the abuse. I do get warm fuzzy hug feelings from people in my small trust circle. My t isn’t in that circle. She is a lovely fearful attachment piece. I want so badly to trust her, she just doesn’t seem safe, yet. She is okay with that. We have had many discussions on why it’s normal not to trust for me

 

[Sideways]

I’m the posterchild for the avoidant attachment style. And I don’t like being touched. Two statements that may or may not be related.

I tried to learn how to like being hugged. Truly I did. Lots of people seem to think it’s a really big deal. One psychologist I used to see would bat on about recreating the sense of safety through physical touch. And I get asked pretty regularly “Can I hug you” - usually after group therapy and I’ve said something that has really resonated for someone, or at dog training, when someone sees that their dog CAN do all the obedience stuff after all, which seems to be particularly emotional for a lot of people.

I’m at the point where I can tolerate a hug by disconnecting briefly from my body. Switch it off, then they can hug away, and I don’t flip out on them. If they ask, and my stress levels are in check.

But hugging people, for me, is so loaded with threat (from trauma, which has screwed with my brain’s wiring) that even with people I trust? It’s not comfortable, or soothing, or helping me feel more trusting of or connected to them - it’s too busy arousing a traumatic response to be relaxing. Which makes me think that my issue with hugging is about my hyperarousal symptoms rather than necessarily connected to my attachment style, yeah?

I don’t reckon learning to hug is going to make much inroads on my attachment style. I don’t like being touched - it makes me feel unsafe. That’s less of a problem with a small number of people I trust, but the trust comes before the comfortable hug does. In fact, recognising that’s how I feel, and learning how to create a healthy boundaries to ensure people don’t invade my space and make me feel unsafe? Has been huge for my recovery. Huge.

If you’re not up for hugs with your T? That’s normal. Healthy even. Loads of Ts consider hugging patients to be inappropriate. So, maybe there are other ways of tackling your attachment issues? I only just got through learning how to confidently tell people “Please don’t touch me”. It’s now something I have control over, and that’s pretty big, just in itself.

 

[Abstract]

if you were a touchy feely child and we are to take what your mother says at face value then its probable that that is your natural tendency and the rest is backlash from trauma. No big surprise there. It sounds like you are treating it almost like exposure therapy with your t which is amazing. Needs to be with the right person.

When I am symptomatic I am set off by hugs. Its complicated. Also realised I used to do it a lot but in a dissociated state. Am now able to hug and enjoy it at times which is pretty amazing.I did actively try and see if I could break it down. Having moments of being able to get comfort from another person is revelationary. But often I am doing it by psychologically still creating distance in some way. I think, other than obvious trigger issues, this is also usually about trust and emotional intimacy. Our feelings about it. Our self and other concept. Def think attachment stuff leans into this. Very complicated and very painful


PS. reading this again now.

I do get warm fuzzy hug feelings from people in my small trust circle

Despite everything that happened you do know how to hug and enjoy hugs! With those you trust. Its fine to have conflicted feelings about your t I think. Normal in context.

 

[Skywatcher]

if you were a touchy feely child and we are to take what your mother says at face value then its probable that that is your natural tendency and the rest is backlash from trauma. No big surprise there. It sounds like you are treating it almost like exposure therapy with your t which is amazing. Needs to be with the right person.

When I am symptomatic I am set off by hugs. Its complicated. Also realised I used to do it a lot but in a dissociated state. Am now able to hug and enjoy it at times which is pretty amazing.I did actively try and see if I could break it down. Having moments of being able to get comfort from another person is revelationary. But often I am doing it by psychologically still creating distance in some way. I think, other than obvious trigger issues, this is also usually about trust and emotional intimacy. Our feelings about it. Our self and other concept. Def think attachment stuff leans into this. Very complicated and very painful


PS. reading this again now.

Despite everything that happened you do know how to hug and enjoy hugs! With those you trust. Its fine to have conflicted feelings about your t I think. Normal in context.

I may also need to add that my T and I recently had a pretty bad rupture. We are working to repair it. It’s all a bit confusing, but the trust or touch has never been a part of our appointments because the one time she touched my shoulder early on I told her that it caused fear and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. She knows that back when the traumas happened, I had a desire for touch and comfort that I did not receive because I was left completely alone. So it’s a mishmash of good and bad touch feelings in my head.

 

[Abstract]

So it’s a mishmash of good and bad touch feelings in my head.

Just a question here. Is this the right timing even if it is something you want to do at all? You dont have to want and like physical contact with everyone in every setting or in every situation. You are allowed to have your confort zone. And doing so with someone you are out of sorts with is counterintuitive. Receiving conform is great but usually we dont want it from the person who has upset us.

You dont have to learn hugs as you can at times do them with your trusted loved ones.

 

[ButterflyBean]

Do you feel comfortable explaining what caused the rupture, generally of course? Are the hugs part of repairing the rupture and rebuilding trust again?

 

[Skywatcher]

@HollyBeans27 a change in our email set up to decrease my anxiety, dependency, and mommy transference issues.

Actually, with hugging her the last 4 meetings, it is getting less scary. One time she said “it’s going to all be okay” during the hug and it really made me feel better. It’s just how my mind does between sessions that becomes unpredictable.

 

[Skywatcher]

So... we had an appointment today after the holiday break. At the end, she didn’t bring up hugs and I felt relieved. Then we got to the departure area and she asked if I was okay with doing one today. I liked having the less pressured feeling of choice and said “sure, but I’m not going to look”. We did a side hug as I turned my head away. I realized that the hug wasn’t actually that bad. Way less scary. Then I got in the car and felt a fear shiver all across my abdomon to my chest area. I had three more randomly during my drive. She tells me that I get those after emdr because my body is unfreezing trauma that had been stored there. I think this hug thing is actually sort of helping me face some stuff, so maybe it is having some benefits.