Learning Hugs

[Abstract]

That's so great. It sounds like feeling empowered in this while doing it is helping you to the next level. Read your other thread so have a better context for this.

I get so confused trusting whether my reactions are trauma release or more freeze related

 

[Skywatcher]

Update——I told her that I kind of like the hugs now. She looked at me with a very genuine smile. She even touched my back as I walked out and I didn’t have any fear shivers! This is such a huge step for me and T! I never thought it would happen. For so many weeks, she would remind me that I don’t have to hug her, but something kept me on it. I’ve also noticed that I have started hugging my teenaged kids when I used to tell them to hug their dad instead. I’ve hugged a few friends as well. There are always huggers out in the world. I am not one of them, but I never said no to a close person or child hugging me. Now I’m actually hugging some people by choice!

 

[Wendell_R]

Update——I told her that I kind of like the hugs now.

This is a lot of progress! I'm glad for you!

 

[Skywatcher]

Had a little slip backwards. Back on Monday after the hug, T rubbed my back (like my mom used to do, I liked this from mom). It felt caring in the moment. Then I went in my car and cried for a bit. This was followed by thoughts of it causing fear shivers and nightmares that nothing is ever what it seems. So I brought it up today and we did emdr on it. New info emerged. Turns out it was part of my abuser’s grooming process. Gotta love the use of parental kindness skills to trick someone else’s daughter. We ended today with a hug that I chose to do. She made sure it was something I wanted. Just no kind rub of the center back. Wondering if I will ever be normal.

 

[Wendell_R]

Wondering if I will ever be normal.

Yes, you will. Maybe Monday was not really a slip backwards. You felt safe enough with your therapist to let a little more of the past come up. Letting that come up makes us feel more broken, but we're really just becoming more aware of brokenness that was already deep inside.

 

[Skywatcher]

Yes, you will. Maybe Monday was not really a slip backwards. You felt safe enough with your therapist to let a little more of the past come up. Letting that come up makes us feel more broken, but we're really just becoming more aware of brokenness that was already deep inside.

She did tell me that I was brave to share that with her, especially since she knows how often my danger warning system goes off. She also apologized for not being conscientious about the back rub and checking with me first. I appreciate that she is encouraging this work, though. There are so many therapists that won’t touch a client, but I’m finding this to be some of the most valuable growth in my recovery.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am glad to see that you have made progress with this. I am reading this thread for the first time and was thinking on page one that it was bad timing like others said. Was pleasently surprised to see such a change on the second page.

@Friday, You do a great job appealing to other peoples love languages for someone who has a hard time with it. I have seen it. The fact that you are so aware of other people's love language says a lot IMHO.

 

[blackemerald1]

@Friday how does one work out what one's own love language is? I mean under and aside from all the trauma that might be distorting it?

 

[Friday]

@blackemerald1 I am not a fan of internet quizzes... that saaaaaid ;)... they have a little quiz on the site. A standard forced choice kind of thing where even if you like both, choose 1, and like neither choose 1. It has surprisingly accurate results. But it’s just an internet quiz. A starting point / way to think or look at things that might be outside of one’s norm (like if someone equates physical touch to sex, gifts as jewelry, etc.) instead of those thousands of “little” things that seem more like aspects of personality rather than ways one says “love you”, or “I feel heard”. And yet? It appears to be one of those super trippy common sense hidden in plain sight deals.

(Although I’m still not sure where “punctual” people fit in the scheme of things. I’m not a punctual person, I am aaaaaalways either early or late, to varying degrees -or both, like showing up hours early, and still being 15 minutes late- so I’m keenly aware of how seriously some people take punctuality. I suspect it’s along the lines of my bestie for whom if you SAY it? You’d better damn well mean it. Words are her bottom line. But i’m Really not sure. Punctuality is outside of my frame of reference.)

Beyond internet quizzes... grounding trick :sneaky: IE pay attention to the things you & others do without thinking, or that elicit a response (good or bad). All of a sudden, you’ll start to see it everywhere. Like looking for trucks, all of a sudden everyone is driving a truck??? When did this happen??? The f*ck is up with all the trucks??? People aren’t actually behaving any differently, or wildly out shopping for trucks, it’s just the noticing of it.

 

[grit]

I am so happy for you that you have a therapist that provides this cause this is not a regular therapy approach. so kudos for you on that front; however, may I make a suggestion that since you were injured in this way, you also learn at the same time how to say no. I do not want a hug today but thank you. I think this may give you some empowerment to say yes and no depending on how you feel. it seems like someone forced touch or hug on you and now if the therapist does the same because you gave permission only once - it is terrifying. You can tell your t, I like to be able to say not now or not today or yes today. This takes the power from the experience and puts right on your own executive and self.

I hope this makes sense.

ps. I had similar experience about movement around me or a therapist standing over me if I am sitting (I am from violent background). I went completely mad one time...the hair on the back of my neck stand up! and the next session, I voiced that I do not like when he gets up before me to open the door at the end of the session. I took my power back!

This may work for you or not. We are all differently wired but your story reminded me of mine.

 

[Skywatcher]

@grit thank you for your suggestion. There is not any pressure on the hugs. For awhile, I was actually afraid to tell her that I now like them because I thought that she might take them away. Then, the day that I told her that my younger parts like them, I also told her that I think they are helping me in other ways as well. She had a big genuine smile. I actually think that she might not take them away. Parts of me are actually starting to trust her. I pretty much instigate the hugs or she asks me if I am up for a hug. She apologized about the back and said that she should have asked before doing that. I think that hugs and touch is just a natural way of showing care and support for her and she forgot. We don’t do a gentle back rub at the moment. We are continuing to process that memory.

 

[Skywatcher]

Update: sometime last month at the end of my appointment, in a happy moment, I reached out to hug my t without even thinking (I was even smiling), I realized the door was still closed (door has to be open boundary at the center) mid hug and started to stop my self and she said it was okay, finished the hug and opened the door. The cool thing about this is that I think that it was the first truly genuine hug that I have given her and it felt nice.

Appointments after that became slightly awkward or routine on my end again. Then, last week (after a difficult emdr) I didn’t reach out to hug her in the office. When we stopped at the door between the hall and lobby she asked me if it would be okay with me if she gave me a hug there. And I said okay. That hug meant so much to me. Something about being asked was needed on that day. The following days of processing were really hard and that hug seemed to be something good to feel connected to her during that time.

This is all so new.