Hopefulphoenix
Not Active
Once again I have to try and insist at the beginning of this post I do NOT! want the emphasis of this post to be a trigger for sadness and rumination..Its more a question about learning how to live with and accept with this infuriating painful flipping disorder.
Ok my life is pretty different since I got active cptsd. Besides the social isolation which im always working on, the thing I miss the most is my ability to read a wide variety of books.
Hell Im a literature graduate. From a very early age books were my thing, my escape. I wrote stories too.
When I stopped being able to read almost 7 years ago it was very related to a fragmented self. Think its a parts thing. (The stuck parts of me seem to be very key to healing). Its like the teenaged me became very very hard through maladaptive coping techniques and nothing bothered me until id fall into depressions and make suicide attempts. I was able to stand outside the world and not let it affect me and read or watch anything.
Of course this cant sustain. I fell apart into the "dark years" (as someone on here helpfully called them). And I think the child me became present. So its like im scared by so many "adult world" things. I think I cant read bc I feel like that child part of me, always on the watch, scared of emotional triggers. (This is beyond when Im depressed and cant concentrate anyway).
It sucks coz as I said Im a literature graduate. People ask me and I feel so ashamed and confused.
Yet I remain hopeful, that I can reintegrate and be adulty again. Not a cold hard adult, but one who can feel safe enough to not be afraid of the emotions someone elses words may bring up.
To be able to read again I try to read in childrens books and I have gotten a Kindle (again) for xmas.
Its the first time I have ever written about this because it feels like nobody would understand.This too might draw me closer to being able to read again; try to eliminate the shame and put in the action.
Ok my life is pretty different since I got active cptsd. Besides the social isolation which im always working on, the thing I miss the most is my ability to read a wide variety of books.
Hell Im a literature graduate. From a very early age books were my thing, my escape. I wrote stories too.
When I stopped being able to read almost 7 years ago it was very related to a fragmented self. Think its a parts thing. (The stuck parts of me seem to be very key to healing). Its like the teenaged me became very very hard through maladaptive coping techniques and nothing bothered me until id fall into depressions and make suicide attempts. I was able to stand outside the world and not let it affect me and read or watch anything.
Of course this cant sustain. I fell apart into the "dark years" (as someone on here helpfully called them). And I think the child me became present. So its like im scared by so many "adult world" things. I think I cant read bc I feel like that child part of me, always on the watch, scared of emotional triggers. (This is beyond when Im depressed and cant concentrate anyway).
It sucks coz as I said Im a literature graduate. People ask me and I feel so ashamed and confused.
Yet I remain hopeful, that I can reintegrate and be adulty again. Not a cold hard adult, but one who can feel safe enough to not be afraid of the emotions someone elses words may bring up.
To be able to read again I try to read in childrens books and I have gotten a Kindle (again) for xmas.
Its the first time I have ever written about this because it feels like nobody would understand.This too might draw me closer to being able to read again; try to eliminate the shame and put in the action.
