What in your life do you most miss the most since getting PTSD, and how are you working to get it back, or accept its gone and move on?

[HealingInProcess]

Thank you for sharing that Lana. You touched on many things that those struggling with CPTSD can relate to. Succinctly put, it's like being a prisoner in a shameful existence. We all need hope and healing. Reintegration that replaces being maladaptive is no easy endeavor. I hope that you regain the desire and ability to pursue literature. Thanks again for articulating on something that's important to many.

Spot on about being a prisoner. My mind is a prison and I feel like I'm in solitary.

 

[katz]

It took me a long time to realize it, but I miss the feeling of "being loved" and only for being me. I try to see that in any child I see. Someone who is just "being" and should be loved for it.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Once again I have to try and insist at the beginning of this post I do NOT! want the emphasis of this post to be a trigger for sadness and rumination..Its more a question about learning how to live with and accept with this infuriating painful flipping disorder.

Ok my life is pretty different since I got active cptsd. Besides the social isolation which im always working on, the thing I miss the most is my ability to read a wide variety of books.
Hell Im a literature graduate. From a very early age books were my thing, my escape. I wrote stories too.
When I stopped being able to read almost 7 years ago it was very related to a fragmented self. Think its a parts thing. (The stuck parts of me seem to be very key to healing). Its like the teenaged me became very very hard through maladaptive coping techniques and nothing bothered me until id fall into depressions and make suicide attempts. I was able to stand outside the world and not let it affect me and read or watch anything.
Of course this cant sustain. I fell apart into the "dark years" (as someone on here helpfully called them). And I think the child me became present. So its like im scared by so many "adult world" things. I think I cant read bc I feel like that child part of me, always on the watch, scared of emotional triggers. (This is beyond when Im depressed and cant concentrate anyway).
It sucks coz as I said Im a literature graduate. People ask me and I feel so ashamed and confused.
Yet I remain hopeful, that I can reintegrate and be adulty again. Not a cold hard adult, but one who can feel safe enough to not be afraid of the emotions someone elses words may bring up.
To be able to read again I try to read in childrens books and I have gotten a Kindle (again) for xmas.
Its the first time I have ever written about this because it feels like nobody would understand.This too might draw me closer to being able to read again; try to eliminate the shame and put in the action.

I have lost the ability to read several times in my life-and regained it too- when I was a teen for a couple of years after trauma, when I was 32- yep after all kinds of trauma and TBI and in my more recent couple of years-after trauma . No point reading self help books, how to new stuff, anything technology related or something new to learn. T said, read The Body Keeps the Score -when I first started therapy over a year ago- she confirmed it a good read for therapy and me a no problem! I just sat in fog having no clue what the book was about-I read it, reread it, words jumbled across the page, and T would ask- what do you think of the book- my response- “Very heady” that was my reaction to reading CPTSD/PTSD and dissociation. I handed it back to her to keep- I was done with it. My comprehension is better with non threatening things. So I totally get this....and I’m a reading teacher...its Very frustrating to have these periods of shit down. I stopped trying to read PTSD self help books and I started taking kids books out of the school library last year-reading anything was funny or interesting or having to do w animals. Better reading material that wasn’t threatening made for better reading and recall. I started calling parts to read w me at bedtime- that helped. Everyone was invited! My writing is good, my speaking-I talk a lot and often get no where-around in circles-and reading level and whether it’s happening is totally subject dependent and emotion dependent. I recently stopped teaching-you are the first person Ive run into who also had this issue. Thanks for taking the risk! Thanks for sharing.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

@Wilbur Thank you. It is an amazing feeling not to be alone. I have so many CPTSD symptoms that it feels like dont make “sense”, and that just breed shame. Feeling not alone dispels that somewhat ?.
I have the same thing with music at the moment too. Didnt know I was bipolar and had mania phase where I did nothing but listen to the music I did when I was a teenager. (This was a time before the emotional walls came down, incidentally when I read the most). Now its like It hurts to hear any music ?!
So Im kind of on guard all the time to protect myself from horrible spikes of painful emotion.
Yesterday I watched the Incredible Journey with my kids. It was one of my favourite ever films. But it comes from that time when my survival mechanisms blocked everything unpleasant.
I sat there feeling the most intense feeling of loss and trapped emotional pain.
But I didnt feel like it came from a direct place in me. I have had one sesh with my new trauma therapist so far. She said I have parts trapped in trauma time. I guess they get triggered? Its nuts! I have to try and view it from a kind of objective intellectual viewpoint to keep me sane! Thank goodness for competant therapists coz otherwise this stuff would be too much. ?.

 

[TruthSeeker]

@Wilbur Thank you. It is an amazing feeling not to be alone. I have so many CPTSD symptoms that it feels like dont make “sense”, and that just breed shame. Feeling not alone dispels that somewhat ?.
I have the same thing with music at the moment too. Didnt know I was bipolar and had mania phase where I did nothing but listen to the music I did when I was a teenager. (This was a time before the emotional walls came down, incidentally when I read the most). Now its like It hurts to hear any music ?!
So Im kind of on guard all the time to protect myself from horrible spikes of painful emotion.
Yesterday I watched the Incredible Journey with my kids. It was one of my favourite ever films. But it comes from that time when my survival mechanisms blocked everything unpleasant.
I sat there feeling the most intense feeling of loss and trapped emotional pain.
But I didnt feel like it came from a direct place in me. I have had one sesh with my new trauma therapist so far. She said I have parts trapped in trauma time. I guess they get triggered? Its nuts! I have to try and view it from a kind of objective intellectual viewpoint to keep me sane! Thank goodness for competant therapists coz otherwise this stuff would be too much. ?.

Yeah, TV shows-if it’s a bad day, I’m happy with The Incredibles-

@Wilbur Thank you. It is an amazing feeling not to be alone. I have so many CPTSD symptoms that it feels like dont make “sense”, and that just breed shame. Feeling not alone dispels that somewhat ?.
I have the same thing with music at the moment too. Didnt know I was bipolar and had mania phase where I did nothing but listen to the music I did when I was a teenager. (This was a time before the emotional walls came down, incidentally when I read the most). Now its like It hurts to hear any music ?!
So Im kind of on guard all the time to protect myself from horrible spikes of painful emotion.
Yesterday I watched the Incredible Journey with my kids. It was one of my favourite ever films. But it comes from that time when my survival mechanisms blocked everything unpleasant.
I sat there feeling the most intense feeling of loss and trapped emotional pain.
But I didnt feel like it came from a direct place in me. I have had one sesh with my new trauma therapist so far. She said I have parts trapped in trauma time. I guess they get triggered? Its nuts! I have to try and view it from a kind of objective intellectual viewpoint to keep me sane! Thank goodness for competant therapists coz otherwise this stuff would be too much. ?.

Yep- I am an avid sci-fi nut- or I was until things came crashing down-now Christopher Robin and Pooh and The Incredibles are more my speed ( particularly if I’m upset) and there are many days where I can’t connect or stand sci-fi. Maybe s I go is for big parts- I don’t know. Music is the same way- only very select artists get played at very different times- has to do w emotions. And amen to good trauma therapists!