What in your life do you most miss the most since getting PTSD, and how are you working to get it back, or accept its gone and move on?

[SeekingAfrica]

I miss working, but I've healed enough to feel good enough. My whole life I felt not good enough, but after all this healing, I feel like I am good enough, lol. It feels so much different. I don't worry all the time what others are thinking, or their opinions of me because I like me. I'm not perfect, and do things I wish I wouldn't sometimes, but so does everyone. So I won't ever work a conventional job again, but I made up a job for myself, and I'll be happy to just be me.

I'm the same. Except for me PTSD hit a year before graduating university, so I ended up having very little experience at a conventional job before I knew I wanted to start something on my own. Except for me I always wanted unconventional job, PTSD just sort of pushed me towards it faster. But I did have conventional upbringing so I do struggle with the expectation of how my job should be... The only thing I miss about conventional jobs right now is having office and not working in my bedroom. But once I am making a bit more I am planning to work in co-working places whenever I miss that. Life is unpredictable, but hey, humans are pretty good at adapting:).

 

[grit]

I feel since I started therapy, I developed a sense of fear. I was fearless in my cocoon of dissociation. Now unfortunately I am afraid of back alleys, parks or heights. I walk my dog in lighted areas and always look around - never did that. I loved certain sports that required heights, cannot do them anymore without panicking. So I hope I learn how to hold and contain fear.

another major thing for me is if not dissociated, I am depressed not clinical or anything but just profound sadness. Again hoping to learn how to hold and contain without spillage.

Diagnose itself did not do much for me cause I was not even aware of symptoms...yes that dead.

 

[LanaD]

I'm also a huge fan of books but I mostly stick to light topics now. I miss being able to learn things quickly and process multiple lines of thought at the same time. Now there are times I can barely think a full thought and string a sentence together and that makes me really sad. It also bothers me when people think I'm dumb because of all this, and I'm working on not caring what others think but it all takes time. I tell myself there's hope that one day I'll get my real mind back, though.

Once again I have to try and insist at the beginning of this post I do NOT! want the emphasis of this post to be a trigger for sadness and rumination..Its more a question about learning how to live with and accept with this infuriating painful flipping disorder.

Ok my life is pretty different since I got active cptsd. Besides the social isolation which im always working on, the thing I miss the most is my ability to read a wide variety of books.
Hell Im a literature graduate. From a very early age books were my thing, my escape. I wrote stories too.
When I stopped being able to read almost 7 years ago it was very related to a fragmented self. Think its a parts thing. (The stuck parts of me seem to be very key to healing). Its like the teenaged me became very very hard through maladaptive coping techniques and nothing bothered me until id fall into depressions and make suicide attempts. I was able to stand outside the world and not let it affect me and read or watch anything.
Of course this cant sustain. I fell apart into the "dark years" (as someone on here helpfully called them). And I think the child me became present. So its like im scared by so many "adult world" things. I think I cant read bc I feel like that child part of me, always on the watch, scared of emotional triggers. (This is beyond when Im depressed and cant concentrate anyway).
It sucks coz as I said Im a literature graduate. People ask me and I feel so ashamed and confused.
Yet I remain hopeful, that I can reintegrate and be adulty again. Not a cold hard adult, but one who can feel safe enough to not be afraid of the emotions someone elses words may bring up.
To be able to read again I try to read in childrens books and I have gotten a Kindle (again) for xmas.
Its the first time I have ever written about this because it feels like nobody would understand.This too might draw me closer to being able to read again; try to eliminate the shame and put in the action.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Yes I definitely miss my functionality. And the isolation is tough to deal with. Every day is a struggle not to completely reject my life.

 

[mamachick]

I use to be a very social person and now I isolate. I use to read but haven't been able to in years. Exercise was part of my daily routine and now I have none. My health has deteriorated through all of this and I miss feeling healthy and strong. I was always busy and into some project and now I procrastinate. So I guess I miss my busy, interesting, social , strong self.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I use to be a very social person and now I isolate. I use to read but haven't been able to in years. Exercise was part of my daily routine and now I have none. My health has deteriorated through all of this and I miss feeling healthy and strong. I was always busy and into some project and now I procrastinate. So I guess I miss my busy, interesting, social , strong self.

It's interesting how trauma can have such a profound effect on our identity and yet in a sense we remain the person we are. All of these things you speak about losing could eventually change in the future so always reason to hope!

 

[mamachick]

My situation might be a little different in that I had an accident with a head injury and a couple years passed before the ptsd. So everything is really different now. I have never really got specialized care for either so it worsened in many ways. Add my age to that I have decided to accept the new me.

 

[HealingInProcess]

My situation might be a little different in that I had an accident with a head injury and a couple years passed before the ptsd. So everything is really different now. I have never really got specialized care for either so it worsened in many ways. Add my age to that I have decided to accept the new me.

I am sorry to hear about you injury and I didn't know it could be delayed like that. I hear you about the impaired functionality though.

 

[zaniara]

I never "had" it.. but being in a bad season/shape I miss feeling ok. (I've have short periods of some kind of normalcy and doing okayish.)

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm also a huge fan of books but I mostly stick to light topics now. I miss being able to learn things quickly and process multiple lines of thought at the same time. Now there are times I can barely think a full thought and string a sentence together and that makes me really sad. It also bothers me when people think I'm dumb because of all this, and I'm working on not caring what others think but it all takes time. I tell myself there's hope that one day I'll get my real mind back, though.

I miss that too. I used to be a huge reader(like, finishing huge books in couple days) and now concentrating is so much harder! So lately I've been watching much more than reading, which of course isn't quite the same. Things that help me get the feeling of more knowledge is listening to audio books(easier for whatever reason and good to do in traffic) and also watching Crash Course series on different topics on youtube(it's a quick knowledge video series, like crash course in world history, anatomy, and so on)- new knowledge builds new connections in your brain and is proven to help healing in that aspect. And these videos are awesome, at least in my opinion. Anyway, I agree, you should not care what people think. But are you sure they think that, or you maybe think that they think that? Once I was so sure people were talking about me, something bad, and later on a friend told me that they were talking about me- because I had lost a lot of weight at the time and they couldn't believe how different I looked...so wasn't bad at all...

 

[HealingInProcess]

Yeah I hear you on the concentration thing, I have am unfinished puzzle because I did the easy parts and now the more detailed stuff feels overwhelming.

 

[Tj aka EH]

Once again I have to try and insist at the beginning of this post I do NOT! want the emphasis of this post to be a trigger for sadness and rumination..Its more a question about learning how to live with and accept with this infuriating painful flipping disorder.

Ok my life is pretty different since I got active cptsd. Besides the social isolation which im always working on, the thing I miss the most is my ability to read a wide variety of books.
Hell Im a literature graduate. From a very early age books were my thing, my escape. I wrote stories too.
When I stopped being able to read almost 7 years ago it was very related to a fragmented self. Think its a parts thing. (The stuck parts of me seem to be very key to healing). Its like the teenaged me became very very hard through maladaptive coping techniques and nothing bothered me until id fall into depressions and make suicide attempts. I was able to stand outside the world and not let it affect me and read or watch anything.
Of course this cant sustain. I fell apart into the "dark years" (as someone on here helpfully called them). And I think the child me became present. So its like im scared by so many "adult world" things. I think I cant read bc I feel like that child part of me, always on the watch, scared of emotional triggers. (This is beyond when Im depressed and cant concentrate anyway).
It sucks coz as I said Im a literature graduate. People ask me and I feel so ashamed and confused.
Yet I remain hopeful, that I can reintegrate and be adulty again. Not a cold hard adult, but one who can feel safe enough to not be afraid of the emotions someone elses words may bring up.
To be able to read again I try to read in childrens books and I have gotten a Kindle (again) for xmas.
Its the first time I have ever written about this because it feels like nobody would understand.This too might draw me closer to being able to read again; try to eliminate the shame and put in the action.

Thank you for sharing that Lana. You touched on many things that those struggling with CPTSD can relate to. Succinctly put, it's like being a prisoner in a shameful existence. We all need hope and healing. Reintegration that replaces being maladaptive is no easy endeavor. I hope that you regain the desire and ability to pursue literature. Thanks again for articulating on something that's important to many.