Hoarding And CPTSD

[Sanctuary]

Firstly may I say I'm dyslexic so please excuse any spelling or grammar.

I'm here to find answers from fellow survivors.
I was attacked by a serial rapist who broke into the house whilst I was sleeping
I put the man away at the Old Bailey for 9 years.
22 years later and I'm still waking up screaming.

I start treatment again in February which I'm dreading.
I have a hoard of clothing/fabric at the end of my bed to make me feel safe. It's waist height and above.
I also stuff under the bed with old clothing and now shoes.
My brain says if it's stuffed with junk no one can come from the end of the bed to rape you.

Under the bed is safe with junk, no one can hide under there apart from the cat!
I have tried to move the hoard before and just felt so vulnerable and exposed that I made a new stash.
This is not logical.
I have a new housing association who want to do a stock survey and take pictures in every room of the flat.
I feel invaded.
I dreamt I had created a wall of clothes that only I could walk through safely.
I'm 47 single and would like to get married
Any ideas on how to move the wall of safety I have created would be welcome.
Please share your experience.
I want to change ..I have become a hoarder to try to deal with trauma

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

Have you tried removing a bit at a time and then coping with the loss/removal? Become “ok” and repeat?

 

[Sanctuary]

Thank you, Eve, I've just started by removing two items.
Any ideas from people are so welcome as they spark other ideas and really help.

When I removed the stuff before my PTSD symptoms got worse.
My nightmares got so bad I was dreaming of served heads and dead bodies under the bed.
So I put back my wall of clothing/ fabric protection.

Eve you have made me think that if I have a physical barrier at the end of the bed I will feel safe, so if I hung a light curtain up from the ceiling to the floor then clean /remove stuff from behind it?
I will try anything...
I read hoarding books, then started hoarding the hoarding books ! I think I have 38 now.
Any knowledge from trauma survivors is so welcome as you understand the craziness of ways we try to cope with its effects.
However small please share your ideas. Thank you

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you have things just at the end of your bed and under your bed?

If so I don’t think it’s hoarding in the traditional sense, it’s more of a trauma reaction in order to protect yourself.

Are you currently in therapy?

 

[shimmerz]

If you were to sleep on the couch would you need the same protective elements? Asking because I am wondering if it is sleep that is the trigger or the bed. That's where I would start. I would change up where I sleep for a period of time to see if the same feelings occur.

 

[Friday]

I have tried to move the hoard before and just felt so vulnerable and exposed that I made a new stash.

Any ideas from people are so welcome as they spark other ideas and really help.

Have you tried a different bed frame? Like the kind that simply sit on the floor? No storage space underneath whatsoever? Or place the mattresses on the floor in either Asian style or the low clean minimalist lines?

Similarly, moving your bed to a place in the room that doesn’t leave one end exposed? I know quite a few people who have moved their beds to their closets, simply because they want more living space, one who did so because she’s a fashionista type (bed in the closet, clothes in the room = tiny bedroom enormous closet ;) ), and a couple because they like the cozy of an enclosed space. A different choice could be, replacing the pile of clothes with a paneled dressing screen. It would create the same effect, but be nice to look at instead of OMG, the mess.

In my experience, when I’m dealing with 2 problems at the same time? It helps to find a work around for the smaller problem I can live with. Sort the bigger problem. Come back to the smaller one, if necessary.

IE Problem A = messy room vs Problem B = trauma & triggers & stressors oh my? Okay. Here’s a clean version that only leaves me with the trauma/triggers/stressors to sort. Once I’ve done that I can have a tall bed in the center of the room and remove the Chinese screen. But in the meantime, I get the comfy of having the space blocked, and the :smug: of ohhhhh that’s pretty.

 

[Sanctuary]

If you were to sleep on the couch would you need the same protective elements? Asking because I am wondering if it is sleep that is the trigger or the bed. That's where I would start. I would change up where I sleep for a period of time to see if the same feelings occur.

Thankyou you Shimmerz .
It's bizarre as I rent an upstairs flat and have a beautiful garden where I feel safer in, it's my Sanctuary.
As I was trapped inside, I never feel at ease and sleeping is the hardest.
I have CCTV, intercom, gates locks etc and have built a fortress of protection.

When your outside you can escape, you stand a chance of survival.
In turn its like I've created my own prison where no one can enter.
I'm pretty messed up in the head. I need to change. I don't know how to let go of it all?
I wish I had the answers?
I scream when the postman arrives and I'm in the garden as my quick startle response is alive and kicking.!
I brought the postman chocolates for Christmas as he puts up with my strange ways and is kind.

 

[shimmerz]

There is a real challenge to this fear of being inside. I know of that very well. Much respect and best of luck detangling it.

 

[Sanctuary]

Thank you, Friday? ( sorry -just working out how to do posting on here)

I love your creative practical ideas, fabulous!
Your post was very clever. You're a great thinker.

I suffer from degenerative disc disease so I'm in constant pain with my back.
( as most trauma survivors have physical pain as well )
I use to have my bed on the floor when I was a teenager. My mother used to call it an anti-old people bed!
Now I'm old ( I'm laughing ) and just brought a new bed and mattress to help my spine.
I always wake up in physical pain.

I think I have to admit I have become a hoarder.
How can that be more embarrassing than the actual trauma itself?

I store all sorts of junk above my head in the loft.
Old clothes, old videos, shoes, books, old dissertations from college, Fashion magazines, Hats, Fabric, Carpet, Christmas decorations,
paint, old duvets, cushions for the garden chairs, storage boxes, blankets etc.
You name it I've got it.
I'm a member of FREECYCLE - who keep good things out of landfill by gifting free to others.
I don't have a problem giving stuff away that others may need. Please take it.
Its the volume of stuff I have accumulated. I live in a place the size of a rabbit hutch
Things have got out of hand again after the trauma anniversary December 8th.
I've got to get this mess cleaned up!

Any ideas welcome?
New year, new start
Thank you

 

[Mumo]

Is freecycle a donation type of thing? Do they pick up? Can you pick 5 things tomorrow to donate to them and call and donate them. Can you do 10? Can you do 5 a day for five days?
One way I can trick myself is to vacuum. Sounds silly, but perhaps clean a patch of just 3 to 5 feet and then vacuum that spot. It's strange, but vacuuming that spot may help you see the spot differently and may encourage you to do another 3-5 foot spot the next day.
Also, can you store necessary items under your bed? In containers complete with lables? I read somewhere to think like a kindergarten teacher. In kindergarten we learn everything has a place. And the teachers help us learn about the places for things and make it attractive and fun. Can you make a diagram of how you would like to keep your necessary items and items you treasure in a fun and attractive way? :) use colors and stickers in your diagram. Then just work on it 5 minutes a day. Don't do a lot because it will make you feel overwhelmed. Think like a kindergarten teacher. Set a timer, put on a happy tune or make up a song and sing while you do it. In two weeks you can add a minute and work on your project for 6 min a day. You want to encourage yourself like a kindergarten teacher. "Good job! Wow look at what you did! I'm so proud of you! " get some really cute stickers and put one on your hand afterwards. :)

 

[Sanctuary]

Mumo your someone who knows how to organize. Love it!
2 years ago I used to have a cleaner. I also had a boyfriend then with a less cluttered place.!

As my spine has got worst hoovering is the one thing that kills my back.!
I even invested in a steam cleaner to help wash the floors. But due to pain its getting dusty.
My cleaner used to hoover and clean floors and wash the dishes.
It was like having a magic tidy fairy it was wondeful!
She moved away.

Now my sofa is covered in electric back machine for constant back pain
Shiatsui machine, vibro heat, electric heat pad,hommedics massager so my poor cat has to climb over these just to try and sit next to me.
I also have to bath in hot water for an hour a day to soothe the back pain where i read declutter books !

So ive decided its time to find and pay a cleaner and pay a professional declutter lady.
I just have to declutter alot before i let them in ! Im laughing.

So i will take of your advice Mumo and put it into action ( apart from the hoovering)
Getting rid of my high heels in the loft i can no longer wear coz of my spine will be the hardest.
Like parting with youth..

Mumo i dream of being that organized with labels etc and everything in the right place.
I need to make this happen.
Thank you for the inspiration!

 

[Lucycat]

Hi @Sanctuary and welcome to the forum.
You say you are soon to start therapy again. I think this is a time that you are in turmoil, worrying about the therapy, but wanting to change the hoarding behaviour first. My suggestion would be to forget the hoarding for now. Get the therapy underway, and then I would expect you to regain a sense of safety in yourself.

Once you feel safe, and have a sense of being safe, you might just find the heap of clothing reduces in its meaning and you can gradually reduce it.

Your therapist will help you through this. You do not need to do it on your own before you start therapy. You do not need to rush it either.