The two way dance of a conversation

[Teasel]

So between social anxiety and having been isolated a lot of my life, I realise that I get this simple skill wrong often.

Oftentimes I shut conversations down without meaning to at all! Or else other times I suppose I do mean to. But generally out of fear rather than wanting to shut down the contact.

Sometimes I can be too rational - answer a question for eg. But without conversational tone that keeps a flow going.

Or another one, is somehow being clumsy when I want yo contribute something to the conversation - and either outright interrupt or somehow cant find an in so stay silent

I have been through a lot of neglect / abuse / isolation in my life so I get why I maybe missed out on some things about socialising.

And unlike some, I've never really had a prolonged period of feeling accepted by others to make up ground so to speak.

Anyone else?

How do I fix this?
Ta very much

 

[Wendell_R]

I have this same difficulty.

Both on this forum and in real life, I pay attention to people whose communication skills I admire. I just watch & listen to how they pay attention to others. When they speak up, when they step back. And then I slowly try to do this myself. When I am worried that I said something wrong, I remind myself to be gentle on myself. I remind myself that my parents were poor teachers of this skill, and I have been too overwhelmed to learn it well. And then I go back and practice a little more.

 

[Kubash16]

No advice because I struggle with this daily. But I wanted to say you are most definitely not alone on it.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks both, after posting I suddenly felt awfully vulnerable & exposed! Been using tools to self soothe since. Am gonna go for a walk and come back to this.

I really appreciate what you both have to say, and would love to hear from anyone else too
Thanks

 

[Kubash16]

No need to feel awful. I don’t was nodding my head yes to each thing you listed lol. I had some exposure to kids/social settings but not nearly as much as is required for kids to really learn this stuff.

 

[Rani G2]

@berlinda

Or another one, is somehow being clumsy when I want yo contribute something to the conversation - and either outright interrupt or somehow cant find an in so stay silent

Not sure if this is helpful.. I might’ve told you that I have my struggles with power/submission Dynamics. Any kind of interaction where I feel I am in an apparently submissive state means I must „win“. Yes distortion and the outer represents the internal process. I know this is not what you meant.. but interaction/communication is at times hard for me too.
My T works with imaginative Therapy/Ego state, when I am in a conversation... I have my inner child (I sometimes have my difficulties with this) with me, she is in a safe place as I am able to give her that safety. Example: Kid is there with a helper part. Mine is an elephant.. in my imagination she is always next to me with our helper part or parts. Not always easy to do.. and I lack imagination at times.

I like Schulz von Thuns conversational model.

 

[ladee]

I can talk with anyone. But I've always been this way. I can make people laugh so that helps, taking some random something they say and turn it into laughter. But I also know it's my anxiety that propels my interactions sometimes. Then I talk too much. "I'm talking and I can't shut up' is what it feels like.

I live in a very friendly community and almost everyone smiles and says hello. Or just small talk about the weather, ect.

So I come at this from the other end. Learning when I am talking too much !!!

 

[Teasel]

Thanks all :)

Yesterday I ran like heck away from the feelings that came up after hitting post on this :bag:

Better now.
@ladee sometimes when anxious I get verbal diarrhoea. V embarrassing! I think when this happens I'm not properly present at all!!! :bag: :bag: :bag:

I guess I'm thinking the only way to fix this is to practise... it goes round my head you need to have one or two core people in your life who like and accept you... I get tangled up with inner child thinking or something? Abused thinking. Abandonment stuff...

**shudders**
Ho hum.

Trying to be a bit more adult about it all I can come up with is not to worry
I'll get there or I won't..

There must be something simple and practical I could do?

 

[Wendell_R]

Yesterday I ran like heck away from the feelings that came up

You were able to post this, and you were able to come back. So that by itself is an accomplishment and a good first step!

In conversation, a good step is to think of questions to ask others. If you ask a question, then that automatically gives space for the other person to speak.

 

[Teasel]

Thanks @Wendell_R :-)

Actually that's another thing I do. Sometimes too much!

 

[Wendell_R]

Actually that's another thing I do. Sometimes too much!

I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself.

When I'm talking to people, the folks that annoy me are narcissists who talk only about themselves and never get to know what I think, or people with very strong opinions who won't acknowledge the validity of other opinions. And neither of those sound like you!

 

[Sideways]

I guess I'm thinking the only way to fix this is to practise.

Totally, but it’s one of those things hat if you can learn and practice? You have every reason to think that you can become as effective at communicating as anyone else. It’s a skill, skills can be learned and perfected. You got this!