The two way dance of a conversation

[Hopefulphoenix]

Conversation and people skills are hard. Especially for people like "us" I reckon. I cant give you a fix. But I can say that for me, when I feel most relaxed and like myself with no attempts to "get" anything" from a convo it feels the best.
In my good periods im quite extroverted but can slip and say awkward things..like oversharing etc. Thats one thing I struggle with.
The idea of "small talk" wtf?! saying random stuff that doesnt mean so much to you, or the person you are talking to..for the sake of being social. I feel so awkward then. My husband has to tell me about what is correct to say. Sigh.
Im sorry Im not being too helpful but I can certainly say its a hard thing, and you arent alone. My T used to tell me to practise.
Oh and Ps just coz a person appears good at talking and has a bunch of charisma it does NOT mean they are necessarily a good person. Lots of experience on that one ?

 

[blackemerald1]

So.. I have no fix for this either - sorry. Who do you have in your life atm that could practice the 'art of conversation' with you?

 

[Teasel]

Who do you have in your life atm that could practice the 'art of conversation' with you?

Lol, 2 narcissists and a therapist :D

 

[Teasel]

I wonder if you are being too hard on yourself.

For sure I'm often too hard on myself. But it is true that often I have virtually interrogated people whilst anxious ;) :bag:

Totally, but it’s one of those things hat if you can learn and practice?

I'm sure I can learn and practise. Just gotta get over my trust issues, fear of people, that thing where I flashback most times I'm around people & extricate self from living with abusive ex.

I think I'm gonna accept it might take a while.

The fact I'm getting the right help fir the PTSD now (touch wood) gives me hope

 

[Mach123]

@berlinda



Not sure if this is helpful.. I might’ve told you that I have my struggles with power/submission Dynamics. Any kind of interaction where I feel I am in an apparently submissive state means I must „win“. Yes distortion and the outer represents the internal process. I know this is not what you meant.. but interaction/communication is at times hard for me too.
My T works with imaginative Therapy/Ego state, when I am in a conversation... I have my inner child (I sometimes have my difficulties with this) with me, she is in a safe place as I am able to give her that safety. Example: Kid is there with a helper part. Mine is an elephant.. in my imagination she is always next to me with our helper part or parts. Not always easy to do.. and I lack imagination at times.

I like Schulz von Thuns conversational model.

I'm glad I saw your post I don't talk about the power thing much because people start shouting. I know we spoke about it in the past and I think you understand it (like I do.). Difficult concept but the answer to everything (I feel). Every conversation. Do I do or say what I want, or do I fawn and back down and feel anxious and unsure. (Symptoms). My default is to fawn. (You just froze me you won) I have to be ready always or I slip into that powerless feeling. Then I get mad afterwards. Mad at myself. I'm better at my feelings about it but it's there, and I avoid people mostly. It all goes back to sex for me because it determines how I relate to the world around me.

 

[Wendell_R]

I think I'm gonna accept it might take a while.

Yes, I think it takes a while because conversation happens so quickly and it is hard to think through our old patterns right in that moment. When I work on this, I do not try to fix everything at once. Maybe hold just one thought in my head, "Am I doing a good job of listening?" or "Have I made sure to give my point of view?".

 

[blackemerald1]

2 narcissists and a therapist

:hilarious: well having a decent conversation with narcissists might be a problem.. but not the therapist.

Or, have you considered going joining a book club or some other group where the conversation may be a little bit more structured and watching, listening and playing along with established members in that group?

 

[grit]

One of the most beautiful thing I see on this site often is when a person can beautifully articulate their real pain in such a way that the message is received fully and as intended.

This a long winded way of saying, you are fine the way you talk but yes your feelings about this process are little fickle now. Stay here and hope you find your voice online and in life,

 

[Rani G2]

You just froze me you won) I have to be ready always or I slip into that powerless feeling.

Yes... @Mach123. Know these inner conflicts. In that very moment when I categorize between powerful/helpless and I only see these two flags waving at me, I need split those thoughts and differentiate. Time and place? who am I talking with? Situation? My sense of self? The whole differentiation Transports me back to present time. Very hard... still learning...

 

[Abstract]

therapist

Oh dear! ? Maybe that is a big part of the problem!
I like "talking" to you on here.

I started off in life with severe social anxiety and then went into a job where there was a lot of social interaction. I had no choice. So O practiced a lot. And I can now talk to absolutely anyone. I was someone who often used to physically run away when people talked to me. Around age 17. I recognise all those patterns you mention. Talking too much, too many questions, closed answers. closed questions etc. All of that can change with practice. Ideally with nicer people than your social pool! ;)
My husband was given a book called socially speaking by an NHS councellor. I havent read but have a look. Remember too that most people have quirks when it comes to communication. I know I look past stuff and look at the person in front of me.

I did something for the first time recently that really boosted me when I thought it would end me. I had to do something speaking wise that was both very important and which made me very nervous. I videoed myself and it was very enlightening. I was very bad to start but started realising that a lot of self perception was a distortion. Maybe you could start speaking to yourself and playing it back.

 

[Rani G2]

@berlinda.. I apologize if this is off topic, everytime I think of conversational skills words like internal strength or stabilizing the inner core comes into my mind. I know, it’s not practical... but if I feel fragmented for a very long time, conversation becomes tough. I don’t know if this is useful, there is a video (A bit cheesy maybe because it’s this typical self-healing-mantra stuff) From David Swenson I watch everytime I feel as if I loose my ground. It’s called „internal strength“ from David Swenson or Richard Freeman (Natural push and pull of awakening). Yoga isn’t for everyone, so if it’s not helpful... sorry.

OH I forgot „mastering the matrix“ also from David Swenson. :-)

 

[Wendell_R]

joining a book club or some other group

My social life relies heavily on my book group and my model train group. It really helps to have something to talk about, something to do or focus on other than talk, a set ending time when I know I will go home, and a regular day (so I don't have to flounder about setting up a lunch date, etc.).