Other Looking for Torture Survivors

[Ronin]

You're a person not a machine

This cracked me up hard, though.

Since, machine does not bother me. In identity, machine, weapon, does not bother me. (And weapons in my understanding, are not by default things or objects. Very very far from that.)
So, that is some pop lingo that does not very much apply, nor is there a dichotomy.

Alongside: Being a machine is fine. It is when I am broken one that does not work.
Also, some form of person hurt, and are plain in the way. Clear paths, before then.

((Quite topical, also. A huge part of things I have not processed? Are about not being able to protect others. When a working weapon? Is a Good Thing, able to protect, in my book. Not sure if any of this translates.))

 

[Sweetleaf]

It's the stuff I can't touch on in therapy without really bad things happening.

The torture, and resulting psychosis from forced sleep deprivation - that's an "11/10" for me on the suffering scale. One of the "untouchable" sets of memories for me.

The only time I cried during therapy, was after my pdoc pointed out, or I guess validated, the fact I was tortured. Others had said it before - but for some reason, coming from her, someone who I trusted, who I know knows her shit - that made me break down and cry and lose the ability to speak/form words.

Any time my thoughts go -there- during therapy, I start to react strongly and we have to divert away from it immediately.

I have no idea when I'm going to be able to touch that stuff. It's gotten easier to talk about it on here with time, but I still can't talk about what -happened- during it. I can refer to the time period, I can refer to the sleep deprivation. I can't refer to what kept me awake.

Writing this has me feeling like throwing up

 

[Freida]

Yep.
I was one of the lucky ones I guess - went thru it but limited duration. Then I blocked it out and went on with my life. Took my T a long time to get me to accept the experience equaled the word torture. It was just way to melodramatic for me to accept. As for managing it? I'm a big fan of dissociation and denial. Being on this site has been hugely helpful because it shows me that my weakness and pathetic lack of coping are just things my ptsd keep telling me so I could continue putting one foot in front of the other and stay alive.

 

[Placebo]

I was in a situation where I couldn't escape. My every move watched and I was stalked even in my own home. I was sexually degraded and set up for my psychological brains to be blown out of the water with what was a cruel joke.

No one would believe me I tried to get help from. I was abused for being a stupid trusting kid. I was out on horrible psych meds and diagnosed schizoidaffective. I was completely alone getting gaslighted and horrified, mortified, demoralized into a female slut by people who were like gods to me.

I ended up schizophrenic for a lot of years because of that. Really schizophrenic. And further abused continually because while I was getting tormented and psychologically tortured by the unbelievably of my situation, and me honestly just not knowing I had been isolated mostly growing up in alcoholics anonymous where people are much different than outside I went into a psychosis due to being on and off of psych meds and the hurt and shame were just completely unbearable.

I guess it was suicide or go crazy with that much confused surprised hurt, so I'm still alive, but yeah I went crazy. Sucking my thumb and coloring like a little girl along with saying the most inappropriate things. I've had to work my ass of just trying not to kill myself most of the time. I couldn't get away except to go into psychosis.

I got laughed at for going crazy. I got blacklisted from most of the people my age in that comunity, and adults who would honestly talk shit to me whenever they could get away with it. I still have no rights in some circles. I'm called a little bitch, and slut, and stupid, and I never know if someone is going to pop out of the woodwork and shame me. No matter where I go, or where I move it seems that I will never get away from it. I will always be blamed, and the predator who set it up for me to be hurt like that after getting my trust will always be just one of the boys.

I was 15 when I met him, and he was 25 turning 26. I do t think I will ever have a relationship again with a man. But, I am no longer schizophrenic, and can work towards happiness every moment of my life. I'm no longer completely powerless as when I'm alone I no longer have voices in my head abusing me, or physical sensations of people spitting on me like they did when I was a kid.

I found so much help in spiritual things. Buddhism, and christianity Christianity, and finding out how other torture survivors find a way to recover. Mine was all psychological, and I know other people are tortured worse in other countries for years, physically and psychologically. I look to them for hope, and am grateful I live in America where I get disability, and medical/psychological treatment for what happened to me. Reading about Bhuddist monks who are tortured in China for just trying to be the ultimate living compassionate beings, and they are let out of prison with nothing except to get for help, or rely on family, I can find gratitude in my circumstances.

Honestly being tortured into schizophrenia I am just grateful that that has ended today. BUt, when ptsd hits me bad I fight wanting to kill myself, and just wait until another day comes.

I was in a situation where I couldn't escape. My every move watched and I was stalked even in my own home. I was sexually degraded and set up for my psychological brains to be blown out of the water with what was a cruel joke. No one would believe me I tried to get help from. I was abused for being a stupid trusting kid. I was out on horrible psych meds and diagnosed schizoidaffective. I was completely alone getting gaslighted and horrified, mortified, demoralized into a female slut by people who were like gods to me. I ended up schizophrenic for a lot of years because of that. Really schizophrenic. And further abused continually because while I was getting tormented and psychologically tortured by the unbelievably of my situation, and me honestly just not knowing I had been isolated mostly growing up in alcoholics anonymous where people are much different than outside I went into a psychosis due to being on and off of psych meds and the hurt and shame were just completely unbearable. I guess it was suicide or go crazy with that much confused surprised hurt, so I'm still alive, but yeah I went crazy. Sucking my thumb and coloring like a little girl along with saying the most inappropriate things. I've had to work my ass of just trying not to kill myself most of the time. I couldn't get away except to go into psychosis. I got laughed at for going crazy. I got blacklisted from most of the people my age in that comunity, and adults who would honestly talk shit to me whenever they could get away with it. I still have no rights in some circles. I'm called a little bitch, and slut, and stupid, and I never know if someone is going to pop out of the woodwork and shame me. No matter where I go, or where I move it seems that I will never get away from it. I will always be blamed, and the predator who set it up for me to be hurt like that after getting my trust will always be just one of the boys. I was 15 when I met him, and he was 25 turning 26. I do t think I will ever have a relationship again with a man. But, I am no longer schizophrenic, and can work towards happiness every moment of my life. I'm no longer completely powerless as when I'm alone I no longer have voices in my head abusing me, or physical sensations of people spitting on me like they did when I was a kid.
I found so much help in spiritual things. Buddhism, and christianity Christianity, and finding out how other torture survivors find a way to recover. Mine was all psychological, and I know other people are tortured worse in other countries for years, physically and psychologically. I look to them for hope, and am grateful I live in America where I get disability, and medical/psychological treatment for what happened to me. Reading about Bhuddist monks who are tortured in China for just trying to be the ultimate living compassionate beings, and they are let out of prison with nothing except to get for help, or rely on family, I can find gratitude in my circumstances. Honestly being tortured into schizophrenia I am just grateful that that has ended today. BUt, when ptsd hits me bad I fight wanting to kill myself, and just wait until another day comes.

Sorry to much coffee, and I can't erase it now.

 

[Freida]

Sorry to much coffee, and I can't erase it now.

no need to erase ....it's good to get thing like this out into the light where you can then stomp on them. What happened to you was horrible - no one deserves to be treated like this. I'm so sorry these thing happened to you

 

[lovak]

I don't really know when things cross over from 'regular violence' to torture. And some (actually many) parts of me, are getting really scared by the question. I'm excellent in denying awful things. I wasn't kidnapped. I wasn't hit. I haven't broken any bones.
But when I read the article 'compliant victims of a sexual sadist', it was describing me and it hit me hard.

I was sexually abused as an infant and at fourteen years old. That really doesn't bother me much, because it was 'just' sexual abuse. But the months when I was seventeen and in 'his' hands screwed me up big time. If it was torture, it wasn't how I would describe it. It was mostly psychological, and of course sexual. I was physically hurt, bruised, aching, from the continuous rape. I was sleep deprived because of the rape. I was made into an object in my own mind because of the psychological manipulation. I was not a person, but an object to be used at his discretion. He couldn't 'finish' unless I was practically screaming in pain. Over time that was quicker because my body and parts did not have much time to recover. I still don't know if I'm lucky or not, because of that.

I don't know if torture is intent or experience. He was a sexual sadist. He had intent.
I was an object, and objects don't have an opinion, or feelings, so how would I experience it after he broke me so quickly?

As to how I'm managing, I'm great at denial and self-destruction. And having more therapy.

I push it away untill I can no longer push it away. And after the break down and some weeks of slow recovery, I can flick the switch again and pretend nothing's wrong. But now I have EMDR I have to face it twice a week, and I'm just destracting destracting destracting.

I don't know if you guys think this is torture. You had it worse than me. But I think it's a good step for me to admit that is was really bad.

 

[Freida]

I don't know if you guys think this is torture.

Yes. it was.

You had it worse than me.

No - torture is torture. there is no worse or better. It's all torture.

But I think it's a good step for me to admit that is was really bad.

this is huge! It took me two YEARS of weekly emdr to get me to finally admit that it wasn't just beatings.

Whats the difference? I think it's a pretty thin line but torture comes with the intent of injuring your mind as well as your body. The fact that you survived, and that you are doing the hard work to heal shows how strong you really are. He didn't win. You did. :hug:

 

[lovak]

@Freida Thank you for validating. I don't have any more words right now. But thank you

So when you said that, I literally started shaking all over.
Had emdr this morning. Been feeling numb and literally looking for triggers online (selfdestructive, I know), but still feeling numb.
Me, gently posting in this topic, uncertain if it belongs here, didnt do much to the numbness either. I cant trust myself, my judgement is something I REALLY don't trust in myself, for obvious reasons.

So when you said that it kinda hit me. And I started shaking. I think I smoked three cigarettes in a row, took some extra seroquel, and if I had wine, I wouldve downed a glass (but sometimes I'm actually smart and don't buy things I use in the wrong ways).

And now, an hour later, i'm questioning the whole thing again. But still, I'm going to come back to this thread and read my post and your post thereafter. Rationally I think I now, but it's painfull to feel.

But according to the T's feeling is what I need to do.

 

[frogthroat]

I don't know if you guys think this is torture. You had it worse than me. But I think it's a good step for me to admit that is was really bad.

Yeah, that's torture and it's not better or worse than anyone else's experience with a sadist. I think it's good that you can admit it now and I hope you start feeling better.

 

[ChildofGod]

I was tortured by my mother and second stepdad. My mother branded me when I was younger and he was very dominant, would invoke terror in me, tie me down.

I think I was tortured in other ways, probably sexually in more than one way.

Responding to something I haven't dealt with.

I do my best to keep my anger in check, because of my cptsd rage and anger. I don't want to lose control.

 

[Freida]

I do my best to keep my anger in check, because of my cptsd rage and anger. I don't want to lose control.

yep -- I'm fighting that same battle. Trying to find the balance between anger at what happened to process it and flat out losing my shit and ending up in jail or catatonic in a closet.

 

[frogthroat]

I do my best to keep my anger in check, because of my cptsd rage and anger. I don't want to lose control.

I avoid conflict if I can. If I have to defend myself I need a sizable amount of time to collect myself. I still black out if I feel absolutely physically threatened. That's only happened once in my adult life and I got out of there before I found what I would do in a blind rage.