Working out who I am ?

[Deleted member 47099]

So, a different topic just brought me to this question and I know it's one that many people here struggle with.

Sure, it's probably a question everyone struggles with... but I think with trauma, it's a much bigger struggle.

Am I the person I was, before trauma started? (But I was 7 then, so that seems unlikely)

Am I who I am despite trauma?

Do I try and subtract trauma from my life and how it's shaped me?

Do I find the courage to include trauma in "who am I" and the scars it's left?

I've been reading up on "post-traumatic growth" after seeing a post about it here a few days ago.

Is "post-traumatic growth" part of who I am?

I feel like I have a social mask, to hide all the trauma and PTSD stuff in daily life... Is that me?

Am I the person under that social mask? The person with the trauma and the PTSD?

During trauma, I did whatever it took to survive... Pretended to be "fine". Pretended to be whoever the perps required me to be.

It's hard not to lose track of your identity, during trauma.

So yah... who am I ? :)

 

[Kubash16]

Obviously no advice cause same boat just way behind ya. But I just want to say I understand this completely and going to be watching this thread.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I'm going to start by looking at things that were present pre-trauma, during trauma and post-trauma:

I like nature
I like animals
I like books
I like humour
I like intelligence
I like kindness
I'm stubborn
I'm independent
I like talking
I like learning
I like thinking
I like adventure
I like building things

That's the easy stuff that comes to mind.

I'll have to try and think of the more nuanced stuff...

 

[NaeNae75]

I wish I had an answer for you, because quite frankly I have been asking myself the same questions lately.

I'm feeling a bit stuck, even, looking for the answers. I, too, find 7 to be when I really understood that trauma (suffering) was part of who I am. I felt suffering was necessary for me to grow.

Now, I'm trying desperately to remove myself from that twisted logic. So far suffering and achieving, greatness, or excellence are dependent on each other.
I'm trying to separate it, but I haven't been able to yet.

I mean, how do we really know how to love ourselves or any of the other road to healthy mumbo-jumbo if we don't even know who we are?

Don't get me wrong, there are times I'm able to live in the moment and be happy, but generally it's a struggle.

Excellent post, I'm looking forward to following it.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm going to start by looking at things that were present pre-trauma, during trauma and post-trauma:

I like nature
I like animals
I like books
I like humour
I like intelligence
I like kindness
I'm stubborn
I'm independent
I like talking
I like learning
I like thinking
I like adventure
I like building things

That's the easy stuff that comes to mind.

I'll have to try and think of the more nuanced stuff...

Wow...maybe the simple stuff is somewhat the answer and the foundation. How funny that even the idea of discovering those things didn't even dawn on me! Even acknowledging these feels profound to me!

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Wow...maybe the simple stuff is somewhat the answer and the foundation. How funny that even the idea of discovering those things didn't even dawn on me! Even acknowledging these feels profound to me!

Cool :)
I hope you share stuff too... I shoulda named this post "Who are we all?" or something...
It's not a thread about "me"... but about all of us answering this question, so please add as many clues as you want/ are able to, too! :)

Edit to add:

So... I think maybe I find it "relatively easy" to look at who I am within myself...

What I find harder is the question "Who am I, in relation to others?"

What is my role?

If I look at myself from the outside... then if people say "You know, Sophy, she's the one that blah blah blah..."
What do I want the "blah blah blah" to be?

I think that's the more complicated question for me, maybe?

How do I find a role that I feel comfortable with?

How do I compromise/ balance who I am with who a group/ society wants/ needs me to be?

 

[Chris-duck]

I have no idea who I am either, so bear with me :laugh:

But I dunno, I think it comes down to the things you listed and what things they have in common that make you -you-, we say all the time that we think we know each other. "I see you, and I like you", and we make the judgements about other people basically on their likes and dislikes, and how they react to situations. Kinda all characteristics you listed up there are about one of the two things. I dunno, I think you already have a pretty good idea about the -details- of who you are, which is how you ended up on a farm and all the associated things you wanna do with it, it's just really finding a way to put that all together into one picture. Which, again, don't ask me, I've no clue :laugh:

 

[Chris-duck]

"You know, Sophy, she's the one that blah blah blah..."

Has a massive hole in her bathroom floor :D
I think you fixed this, but still :P

How do I find a role that I feel comfortable with?

Naw but seriously, I think you're boxing yourself up too much here, like you're gonna play a different role to different people. Unless you wanna go all out and do something extreme and noticeable it's always gonna go more like "you know sophy, the one who blahblahs?" "Um, you mean the one that bluhbluhs?" "eh, yeah, I think she does that too..?"

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Thanks Chrissy :)

Has a massive hole in her bathroom floor :D

Hahahaha, yup, it's still there!!! :laugh:

Yah, right now I'm pondering how elusive the notion of "identity" is anyway :laugh:

I guess for people who've never had their sense of self fractured by trauma, they just never question it... They have a more natural, child-like sense of "I am who I am"...

But given we've had that kinda messed with and questioned and dented and broken... I guess we question it all the more intensely...

like you're gonna play a different role to different people.

And true, I agree with that ^^

Tho, I think we PTSD peeps have a tendency to play too many "roles" too quickly and easily... And kinda "let go" of our core self...

So I'd like a stronger sense of core self, that is present, no matter which role I take on...

Yes, those attributes can be a bit fluid depending on what role I'm in...

But no matter what role I'm in, I like animals and books... I've never found myself in a role in life, where suddenly I hate animals and books... ya know what I mean?

And yeah, while the people around me might not *notice* that... I guess I'm kinda thinking of a "fictional observer"... Kinda *me* looking at myself from the outside.

Somehow me being "in a role" or "in a social situation" or "in relation to others" feels quite different to me when I'm home on my own sitting on the sofa in tracky dacks and eating comfort food.... Dunno, it feels like there's an (important) distinction in there somewhere...

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Okay... trying to figure out stuff about "me in relation to others" that's been there pre-trauma, during-trauma and post-trauma...

So, I've always been someone who loves doing individual activities... Reading, projects, adventures...
I'm someone who's very happy spending time on her own and pottering around, doing whatever.
I'm never bored... There's always a ton of things I want to do, I always have lots of plans.
I'm not entirely sure whether that is linked to growing up in a weird FOO. Maybe I liked doing things on my own as a kid, cos my FOO was just too difficult? If so, it seems to have influenced me very deeply tho.
As much as I enjoy spending time with people some of the time, I do feel most relaxed and happy when I'm on my own.
I'm not someone who seeks constant company... instead, I usually seek and look forward to pockets of "me time".

I do love having good friends tho. People to share stuff with, people to giggle and laugh with, people to talk to, people to think things through with. People who help each other out, who support each other, who understand. Having people who are "on your side" is so valuable. I prefer them to be people who are smart, kind, funny, a bit weird, who like nature and books, who like talking and thinking, who look for constructive solutions instead of creating drama.

Just as the "things we like" define us, I think the "things we dislike" are also very much at the core of "who we are".

So... I really dislike people who lash out and who turn their inner pain or distress into pain for other people to deal with. If that's the best coping skill they have... lashing their pain out at others... then wow. Not my kind of people. I can be incredibly judgemental about people like this.

I also don't like people who are stupid... Which is not to say that I'm snobby about "knowledge" or "school intelligence". Some of the wisest and most intelligent people I know are not into books and didn't do well at school. I love all sorts of intelligence... But people doing stupid stuff, stuff that's plain dumb... yeah, I find it hard to be patient or compassionate about that. Again, they're the kind of people who's phone numbers I just delete...

Haha, so yeah... I guess I can be a b*tch... I can be both a genuinely kind and compassionate and patient and supportive person... but also a b*tch. There's some stuff that just is beyond my particular tolerance level.

It seems ridiculously obvious to say "I like people who are nice" and "I dislike people who aren't nice"... Obviously "nice" is entirely according to my definition :laugh:

But for someone with PTSD, I dunno if that even is *obvious*... I grew up being told I had to like/ be nice to perps... So it actually feels like quite a lot of work to untangle myself from that Stockholm Syndrome and actually say "I only like nice people" and "I really dislike people who aren't nice". That feels like quite a revelation and quite a daring, amazing thing to do :facepalm::roflmao:

So yeah... I don't want to "be friends with everyone". I only want to be friends with the nice people. And I don't want "everyone" to like me. I'm glad if the nice people like me. But the people who aren't nice... their opinions don't count. Cos they're not nice people.

Hmmm... maybe that's actually a really important distinction... That the person I am/ I want to be... that's in relation to nice people. I want people who are nice to think I'm nice to.

I think I really need to get to a place in my head, where not-nice people do not count. Simply do not count. Cos not-nice people will never like you anyway. And not-nice people won't be pleased, no matter what you do. I just gotta learn to press the ignore button with those people. Ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore.

Okay... I'm gonna ponder on "what do I want my identity to be in relation to nice people".

With trauma, we're too used to defining ourselves in relation to perps and people who are not-nice.

Time to turn that around, I reckon...

 

[EveHarrington]

It never occurred to me to question my identity until some trauma book said I should.

But then again there are lots of wandering & searching souls out there, so how can this be claimed as a trauma thing?

 

[Deleted member 47099]

It never occurred to me to question my identity until some trauma book said I should.

But then again there are lots of wandering & searching souls out there, so how can this be claimed as a trauma thing?

I'm pretty sure it's not a "should" thing. And not necessarily a trauma thing.