Working out who I am ?

[Kubash16]

It never occurred to me to question my identity until some trauma book said I should.

But then again there are lots of wandering & searching souls out there, so how can this be claimed as a trauma thing?

I don’t see it as a should if you don’t already feel that way. I also don’t see it for every kind of trauma. I think for some traumas that occur later in life it can be easier to still have your core sense of self. But for those of us who had trauma so early they can’t remember what their personality was like prior, it can be a really disconcerting thing to try and determine what’s just a trauma reaction and what’s the real you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

so how can this be claimed as a trauma thing

I agree in a certain sense, but I think it is harder for those of us with PTSD.

I started out naming the things I liked, then kept journals about my feelings. I grew into someone who had a place in the world as opposed to someone who apologized for being here. This is a good thread.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Lol, @Kubash16, we both had the same response with opposite reasons! That's funny. At least we both agree that trauma can invade the sense of self.
I like chickens.
I like animals.
I love learning.
I love spirituality.
I love reading.
I love my son and mother.
I like to do activities alone and with others.
I like to create things.
I like to journal.
I am a kind spirited person who would like to help others.
I want to be the same person I am in relationship to others and to myself.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I figured out another important piece of the puzzle of my question "Who am I?" in relation to other people.
I'm a psychology nerd, always have been.
So I'm always the one analysing behaviours and possible motivations and who does and says what and why.

So in terms of looking at me from the outside... I'm definitely "Sophy who has a big hole in her bathroom floor" and "Sophy who *always* talks about psychology stuff"

It's a big part of how I relate to other people.

I guess other people can't help noticing what clothes people are wearing, because they love clothes, or maybe they love gossip... who is doing what whith whom, or maybe they always blather on about sport and bore everyone else with that...

Well, my thing is psychology. :rolleyes:

I'm sure I occasionally bore someone to tears with it, but oh boy, other people bore me to tears with their pet subjects all the time, too :laugh:

So yeah... this is woven into the fabric of who I am and how I relate to the world. It's a really integral part of me.

I guess another topic that's similar for me is the environment. I scan everything for its environmental impact. It's just a lens I view the world through. Is something good/ bad/ neutral for the environment. It's a core question for me, and one that really matters to me.

I also analyse power imbalances in situation... Who uses their power for good or bad... Who makes others feel powerless... That includes observing how money is used by people. Who uses their money for good, who is frivolous, who is selfish...

I think those lenses that I view the world through shape my relationship to other people and deeply affect "who I am" in relation to others.

I think I'm also opinionated.

I also value a lot of personal space. I live on a farm now and love having a big radius of personal space. I didn't like living in the city, where everyone lives next to each other and on top of each other.

Even tho I've been living on the farm for a few years, I still feel "new" in the neighbourhood. I'm taking my time working out what my relationship to the locals is. I'd like to get a better sense of "who I am/ who I want to be" in that community, because I have no idea, really.

Edit to add: Due to trauma, I started my life being afraid to "be myself". That's improved with every passing year. I feel more and more comfortable to be truly, genuinely, authentically myself.

I know a lot of other people have similar journies, even without trauma. But I think other people maybe don't? I think some people feel able/ comfortable to be themselves from an early age, which is great.

 

[Whirlwind]

other people have similar journies, even without trauma. But I think other people maybe don't?

I think most people do, perhaps fleetingly. I would even consider it a positive side effect of my early trauma.

Through my early 20's I rarely spoke. I felt out of touch and extremely distrustful of the world and I didn't know how to operate in it so I watched and I mimicked. As a kid I did not get to play normally and learn many things folks take for granted. So I have sense of gratitude for very basic things in life. I am still tickled deep down every time I go to the grocery store because I can buy generally anything I want...and I have so many choices. I wondered if this would ever "wear off" but it hasn't. I learned to ride a bike at 40. I ride often and feel like a kid every time.

I think I could be crippled by "what should have been" but then I would miss what is today. It totally amuses me that I ended up speaking publicly as a large part of my profession. I was an extreme introvert only to find myself an extrovert. The latter was probably my natural inclination.

I started several odd hobbies late in life and found I was unexpectedly good at them. Another "lost" potential undoubtedly but then I look around me and see very few people my age doing these things. I have asked some folks why and they cite random reasons but it almost seems like a mindset they adopt merely because of calendar age.

I feel fortunate not to put those self imposed limits on myself. I have started many activities at the point most people stop...and as a result I have done them likely longer than most (normal?) people. I have an adventurous spirit I may not have had without my trauma.....or maybe it was innate.

So who am I or who I was suppose to be....I'm still figuring it out but it is not a negative thing. For me it feels oddly freeing at this point of my life.

Do I try and subtract trauma from my life and how it's shaped me?

I didn't and I do not believe I could have. That does not mean I advertise and if anything I would have had my younger self learn about trauma as you have. There is great strength and healing in the mere understanding. In fact, I would say if I had accepted my trauma as part of me I would likely have avoided my second trauma. The first one I had no control over, but the second one I did.

Do I find the courage to include trauma in "who am I" and the scars it's left?

I don't think I have a choice in the matter, if anything accepting some of my scars would have taken some pressure and self criticism off of me. And like I describe above, some of my scars have given me great liberty and I wouldn't change that for an instant.

Great topic and interesting discussion, Thanks.

Whirlwind

 

[Deleted member 47099]

That's an amazing response @Whirlwind :)

Thank you. That's such a wonderful healing journey and a beautiful approach!

I'm so glad you find pleasure in things like the supermarket and riding a bike and that you have overcome so many trauma boundaries!

It totally amuses me that I ended up speaking publicly as a large part of my profession. I was an extreme introvert only to find myself an extrovert.

This is true for me too! It's bizarre... My trauma made me sooooooo shy and introverted. And today, public speaking is a large part of what I do and I totally enjoy it. If anyone had told me that 10 or even 5 years ago, I'd have thought they were nuts. How cool you share the same experience!

And that's a great point that we *get* to discover who we are all our lives, while many other people seem to stop being open about that journey. I hope I never stop discovering new things for as long as I live too :)

 

[grit]

I hope you find the answers you seek. They are probably just on the surface and you are scratching.

One of the ultimate residue of trauma is the focus on others compulsively rather than just living and being. it is true babies develop thinking much later in life but a traumatised baby (yes baby) develops something similar to thinking like forecasting the mood of the caretaker in order to adapt how to act!!!! Imagine how busy that baby's head must become and nothing left for anything else except survival way of chameleoning. Apparently those babies when they grow up become so busybodies and always focus on what others think of them or thinking or imagining or some become even clairvoyant or psychics or therapists! LOL even though as therapists, they are not good ones...

It is fascinating but that is nature.

I feel even though you remembered the trauma at 7, probably your "environment" was traumatizing in some aspect (not fully) in order to create that incident prior to your 7yrs. You were not safe. regardless of that there is always a part of every human that is protected from trauma. Even the most crazy, hallucinating person has a part that we will never know. This is truly being a human!

Only you have access to that part when you are alone, safe and relaxed (or feeling all those with another person whom you trust fully).

I hope you find that innate part of you and re-connect and believe.

 

[Marvel545]

This is a really thought provoking post.

It’s something I struggle with. Most of the things I do for me are in secret.

I remember someone saying to me. What do the things you do & enjoy say about you? That tells you who you are.

Hope you progress with this :hug:

 

[Abstract]

I did a lot of work on this about 15 years ago. One of the things I found helpful was an NLP visualisation exercise on values. As in what I value most in life. You slap down as many as you can think of without thinking about it. When you run out you push further and write down 2 more. You then think if any are not really yours and rather what you think you should have or those of your FOO. Discard these. Then you arrange them in order of priority. And take the top 5 and 10.
Can't remember it that well but thats the gist of it. You want to meditate on it a moment before writing. You can also then see how much your life is aligned with these.

The other thing sabataging my identity was dissociation. And resulting memory. Lack of. I needed to connect a little to even have a chance on the above. For most my life I didn't feel like a human being and wasn't really on top of basic human functions

I tend not to think we are what we do and rather that it is something deeper and more fundamental. Also not what is done to us. We just are and that is a sum of the essence of us and all our experiences. Thats the same for everyone. We can't go backwards in life. Only forwards.

 

[frogthroat]

The existentialism that trauma brings on is so daunting. I've been wrestling with it hardcore since I started therapy. When you've had different people tell you who you are for years and reinforce it violence identity becomes this labyrinth of insecurity. I would say that one of the hardest things I've done is empty out my family's and abusers opinions of me over the years. I felt totally empty. That was a scary time. Now, I've realized that alcohol is a big identifying factor for my whole family as well. I've also used it as a way to identify myself but I'm realizing I'll never give alcohol up if I think it's a core part of who I am just like I'll never move forward if I think my trauma has made me an unworthy human being.
I'm gay. I have PTSD. I'm currently battling it out with depression but these things don't define my entire personality. When you've been sad for so long you think begin to think that's who you are but it's a lie.
I know I have the sense of humor of an FBI profiler. Some people appreciate that some are scared of it. I'm artistic. I like animals. I like certain people. I like music a ton. I enjoy my independence and I do have the capacity to be kind if I feel it's safe to do so. I also have very little patience with others. I could go on.
Just because you experienced trauma or you never knew what it was like to not be traumatized or abused doesn't mean that has anything to do with who you really are. What people chose to put me through isn't my burden to carry. It's theirs. Yeah, trauma changed me and I struggle with it but it doesn't define me anymore.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

The existentialism that trauma brings on is so daunting.

That's beautifully said. Thank you.

And yeah:

When you've had different people tell you who you are for years and reinforce it violence identity becomes this labyrinth of insecurity.