Relationship consequences?

[mchrisoss]

Thank you so much.

 

[NaeNae75]

I just had to have a MAJOR boundary setting session with my daughter today. She lives with me with her daughter and is doing a lot of stuff I don't agree with. So basically I told her that even though she's an adult, she lives in my home, so my boundaries amounted to something close to the following:

1. Her (ex) boyfriend is under no circumstances allowed on my property.( He is a creepy energy vampire, and since my home is mine...tough cookies. )She can go to his house or do whatever...but not here.
2. Until she is willing to seek counseling and put her mental health first, I will not be willing to.
3. Until she is ready to make an actionable plan about things that upset her, I will not listen to her overly dramatic stories.
4. Unless she has a sitter lined up, I expect her to be home with her 3 year old by 9 on weekdays and 10 on the weekends. I will not tolerate her being a bad mother with in and out craziness while I'm supporting her. (this is the only one that mirrors an ultimatum, but if she doesn't like it, she can move.)
5. Unless she is no longer in contact and ready to move past her (ex)boyfriend, I will not participate in any discussions about him. It causes fights between us, and I'm not listening to the drama
6. I will not be screamed at by her, especially in my own home. If she starts, she can leave or go up to her room. I refuse to participate in that behavior any longer.
7. I will not have a "yelling match" or "argue" with her. Again, this is my home, and she's free to leave if she doesn't like it.
8. I will no longer tolerate her "threatening" me to move out as a manipulative behavior. Unless your bags are packed, don't bother saying it to me, I will no longer bend over backwards to beg her to stay.


I did end it with that with these taken into consideration, I will love her and not pass judgement on her decisions, no matter how much I disagree with them. Unless her daughter is in jeopardy of injury, she's free to make any stupid mistakes she wants. I told her fair warning is that the consequences are fully hers.

I didn't want to make this about me, but to show you examples of boundaries. In each of these, it says what I'm willing to tolerate, and the actions I will take to control myself. In these, she is free as a lark to make any stupid decision she wants, but again, the consequences will fall squarely on her shoulders. It isn't easy to determine these, but they're integral at maintaining peace and harmony in your home.

I also used to mistake boundaries with "rules" or "ultimatums" for the other person...it took me a long time before it sunk in that I can only control me. Everyone else can control their own 3 ring circus. It seems cold, but really, it's one of the most loving things you can do for someone. It's the difference between interdependence and codependent. There are a lot of times people don't do what I want, but I had to accept that that's not my business - it's their right. I also have learned to (try) to stop telling people yes to anything I don't want to do. That is MY right. Once you have it in practice, it works quite beautifully.

It's the hardest lesson I ever had to learn, because my skewed view of love was based on suffering for you loved ones. In reality, if people accept and live within boundaries, that doesn't have to happen. You have to be really independent for it to work, but when people start doing things because they WANT to and not out of obligation, the world begins to blossom.

 

[Never_falter2]

Hi,
My question would be: how did you talk to him? I made my guy do things in the past. I learned that my guy reacts best when I make it not about him but about me.
So I tell him “I am really worried because of ..., and I don’t know what to do“, tell him I love him, tell him that I am worried. Men often like to “safe“ women, come to their protection and so on.

 

[mchrisoss]

It might help to read up on boundaries, specifically learning about the three kinds: rigid, porous, and healthy. This may help you determine where your boundary lines are located.

I"ll look into it.

 

[mchrisoss]

I just had to have a MAJOR boundary setting session with my daughter today. She lives with me with her daughter and is doing a lot of stuff I don't agree with. So basically I told her that even though she's an adult, she lives in my home, so my boundaries amounted to something close to the following:

1. Her (ex) boyfriend is under no circumstances allowed on my property.( He is a creepy energy vampire, and since my home is mine...tough cookies. )She can go to his house or do whatever...but not here.
2. Until she is willing to seek counseling and put her mental health first, I will not be willing to.
3. Until she is ready to make an actionable plan about things that upset her, I will not listen to her overly dramatic stories.
4. Unless she has a sitter lined up, I expect her to be home with her 3 year old by 9 on weekdays and 10 on the weekends. I will not tolerate her being a bad mother with in and out craziness while I'm supporting her. (this is the only one that mirrors an ultimatum, but if she doesn't like it, she can move.)
5. Unless she is no longer in contact and ready to move past her (ex)boyfriend, I will not participate in any discussions about him. It causes fights between us, and I'm not listening to the drama
6. I will not be screamed at by her, especially in my own home. If she starts, she can leave or go up to her room. I refuse to participate in that behavior any longer.
7. I will not have a "yelling match" or "argue" with her. Again, this is my home, and she's free to leave if she doesn't like it.
8. I will no longer tolerate her "threatening" me to move out as a manipulative behavior. Unless your bags are packed, don't bother saying it to me, I will no longer bend over backwards to beg her to stay.


I did end it with that with these taken into consideration, I will love her and not pass judgement on her decisions, no matter how much I disagree with them. Unless her daughter is in jeopardy of injury, she's free to make any stupid mistakes she wants. I told her fair warning is that the consequences are fully hers.

I didn't want to make this about me, but to show you examples of boundaries. In each of these, it says what I'm willing to tolerate, and the actions I will take to control myself. In these, she is free as a lark to make any stupid decision she wants, but again, the consequences will fall squarely on her shoulders. It isn't easy to determine these, but they're integral at maintaining peace and harmony in your home.

I also used to mistake boundaries with "rules" or "ultimatums" for the other person...it took me a long time before it sunk in that I can only control me. Everyone else can control their own 3 ring circus. It seems cold, but really, it's one of the most loving things you can do for someone. It's the difference between interdependence and codependent. There are a lot of times people don't do what I want, but I had to accept that that's not my business - it's their right. I also have learned to (try) to stop telling people yes to anything I don't want to do. That is MY right. Once you have it in practice, it works quite beautifully.

It's the hardest lesson I ever had to learn, because my skewed view of love was based on suffering for you loved ones. In reality, if people accept and live within boundaries, that doesn't have to happen. You have to be really independent for it to work, but when people start doing things because they WANT to and not out of obligation, the world begins to blossom.

I truly hope I can to get to this point.

 

[mchrisoss]

Hi,
My question would be: how did you talk to him? I made my guy do things in the past. I learned that my guy reacts best when I make it not about him but about me.
So I tell him “I am really worried because of ..., and I don’t know what to do“, tell him I love him, tell him that I am worried. Men often like to “safe“ women, come to their protection and so on.

Thank you, I'll keep this in mind.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Enforcing your boundary doesn’t always mean ending the relationship. I have boundaries about all kinds of things. I will not discuss a certain topic that always pisses him off and that he only wants to talk about when he is ramping up. I’m over it, and I will not go there anymore. That’s my boundary. If he lashes out verbally I will not tolerate it, and I remove myself from the situation until he calms down. That’s my boundary... if he wants to be a dick, he can be a dick in an empty room.

A little real world consideration will help you figure out your limits. I definitely have “end the relationship” boundaries, but I have lots of smaller ones too.

 

[mchrisoss]

This all makes a lot of sense and I appreciate that very much.

 

[mchrisoss]

That's kind of exactly what i was looking for.

 

[Friday]

If I haven’t actually done it, and done it a lot, I rarely consider “it” a boundary. I consider it an idea. Often a bullshit idea, but I’ve been around the block a few times now. ;) What I’d like to think I might do if ABC happened.

Because what I think I’ll do (in a situation I’ve never been in), and what I actually do are often worlds apart.

How I respond when the situation actually happens? That gives me some solid footing in how to respond next time. Because I can take my ideals, and marry them to reality, and come up with a working solution for myself. Give that a go. Tweak it, based on how I think that went. Give it another go. Over time, and with practice, I actually define and create my own boundaries. Realistic boundaries. Hard limits. Soft limits. Works in progress.

My boundaries? Have virtually nothing to do with other people. They’re how *I* think/feel & choose to act, react, & respond to things.

Ultimatums, threats, warnings, manipulation, compromise, negotiation... those are all about affecting change in others in different ways. They tend to come up when boundaries have already been crossed. They aren’t the boundaries themselves, but a response. The consequence, or some possible consequences (there are hundreds, if not thousands of consequences), as you will.

Adding another consequence on top of the consequence that’s already happened? IMO... that’s called parenting. Not partnering. An attempt to teach someone a lesson, as it’s your responsibility to do so, is a parent’s job. Not a partners.

 

[mchrisoss]

Thank you, this is helpful.