Speaking on it: Does it really help?

[Pyro]

Is it considered venting, or is it considered trying to understand yourself and people that relate?
My great uncle, who was a POW in WW2, says PTSD groups help.
I've spoken about it with other people before, so I'll mention it here:
I'm dead. I've been dead for a while. I don't know why.
Obviously I'm not physically dead, but sometimes I feel that way. Most of the time I'm emotionally dead. Looking at old pictures of me makes me feel like I'm looking at a memorial for a stranger. I don't know why.
I only feel alive when I'm in danger, ironically. I'm only really me when I'm on the edge. Why is that?

 

[Teamwork]

Wow, you have such a great awareness there of knowing what gets yourself really feeling alive. Danger is the one thing that sparked that feeling in you, perhaps because it was so strong and had an automatic kick in. Sometimes we can encourage or cultivate other avenues that would kick start things we can recognize. I know for me if I’m running the hose on the garden it can kick in peacefulness. I didn’t observe that initially, but once I awoke to it I was able to point to that as a recognizable feeling that I could reproduce with that action. My daughter enjoys comedy and is quite often laughing and enjoying some act that I don’t even crack a smile to. For me humor that elicits laughter is hard to come by. I can smile though when something is really funny because I accept in the moment that at least that much came out. I look flat all the time, so people don’t really know what mood is being expressed and neither do I, but like you I’m aware of it. If I want to really feel alive, I paint. I’m no artist, no talent there, but I did just start doing it a few years ago and that expression tells me quite a lot about what’s going on inside. That seems to give me some freedom to express where it is not inhibited. I can actually feel pleased about some of my work.

 

[blackemerald1]

I only feel alive when I'm in danger, ironically. I'm only really me when I'm on the edge. Why is that?

Is it because you adrenalin kicks in bc your brain is trying to save your life?

Is it considered venting, or is it considered trying to understand yourself and people that relate?

Maybe it's all of those things? For me it is. All of those reasons are healthy imho.

I look flat all the time,

Is this part of the medication side-effect or the ptsd?

I can actually feel pleased about some of my work.

You really sound like you have worked out something that helps to lift yourself up. I think watering the garden is a great 'zen' activity too. As far as comedy goes.. it's got to be quite good before I will crack a smile too. Sometimes I think I've heard a lot of it all before. Getting too old? lol

 

[Pyro]

That's interesting. It'd be neat to see some of your pieces, speaking from a fellow artist's perspective.
I laugh at some of the dumbest stuff, no clue as to why. Maybe it's because it's something stupid? Who knows.
I think running when I'm really upset or numb usually helps, but I'm conflicted about it because it seems like I'm physically running away from my problems. I'm no wuss.

One day I ran ten miles total.
Wasn't a very good day.

On the other hand, however, I like going out in the wild and just ranting and yelling about stuff by myself. Usually helps with venting I guess. Who else understands you more other than your own echo?

I think danger is moreso the only interesting thing to me. Everything else seems boring and uneventful. It's almost at the point to where it's fun, as if it's some sort of game that I never lose. I know that's not right, I think it's because growing up it's all I ever knew.

 

[Teamwork]

Is it because you adrenalin kicks in bc your brain is trying to save your life?



Maybe it's all of those things? For me it is. All of those reasons are healthy imho.



Is this part of the medication side-effect or the ptsd?



You really sound like you have worked out something that helps to lift yourself up. I think watering the garden is a great 'zen' activity too. As far as comedy goes.. it's got to be quite good before I will crack a smile too. Sometimes I think I've heard a lot of it all before. Getting too old? lol

In response to looking flat, not on medication is likely a habitual mask.

That's interesting. It'd be neat to see some of your pieces, speaking from a fellow artist's perspective.
I laugh at some of the dumbest stuff, no clue as to why. Maybe it's because it's something stupid? Who knows.
I think running when I'm really upset or numb usually helps, but I'm conflicted about it because it seems like I'm physically running away from my problems. I'm no wuss.

One day I ran ten miles total.
Wasn't a very good day.

On the other hand, however, I like going out in the wild and just ranting and yelling about stuff by myself. Usually helps with venting I guess. Who else understands you more other than your own echo?

Regarding seeing any of my pieces how would I be able to do that?

 

[Friday]

Regarding seeing any of my pieces how would I be able to do that?

@Teamwork Please use Contact Us if you need help uploading images, rather than asking in thread. Thanks!

 

[Whirlwind]

I only feel alive when I'm in danger, ironically. I'm only really me when I'm on the edge. Why is that?

It's called "Counter Phobia".

Simply put It is a way of dealing with anxiety by moving towards danger. Making the choice is a decision and exacts some control. If your emotions are dulled it is a way to "feel" oddly in a safe way albeit the action is potentially dangerous.

You may want to read about this and talk to your therapist for more detail and how it may or may not apply to you.

running when I'm really upset or numb usually helps, but I'm conflicted about it because it seems like I'm physically running away from my problems.

Running was the only thing I could do that relaxed me. I did long distance running, marathons etc. I felt I could run forever and it was almost like a trance. My steps rhythmically pounding and I would get lost in the scenery...

For me it was not a mechanism to run away from my trauma but a time to perhaps get a "brain break". The way I look at it is my love of endurance activities....even if it "was" a mechanism as far as vices to it's a hell of a lot better than drinking myself numb.

Unless you are running to an extreme, underweight, incurring injuries or doing something odd, compulsive as in running to meet some calorie burn calculation etc. I wouldn't be concerned, nothing wrong with a 10 mi run.

Take care, Whirlwind

 

[grit]

I do not know you at all obviously but I can clearly see two major parts of your psychic:
the one that is in danger and the one that knows it. One is more dominant than the other. If you can train the weaker one to become the protectionist of the scared part, you may start to untie the knot!

 

[ChildofGod]

I believe healing comes when it's no longer a secret, when it's shared. You don't have to tell a professional. Cptsd is a liar. It makes us feel unsafe, even if the abusers are dead. Two of my main abusers are dead, but I never got to confront them.

As you begin to heal, I hope you find the courage to share with someone. Abuse (the feelings of abuse, feeling unsafe, ect), in all it's grotesque forms, keeps us in silence, ashamed and scared.

It could be a close friend, an old friend, or a new friend that you know you can trust.

At least for me, cptsd is like an invisible chain. I too, wish to heal as much as I can so I can focus on the here and now and also have a brighter future.

We didn't ask for the abuse, it was never our fault, (that took me decades to realize, having blamed and beaten myself up for it and for every other bad thing that happened to me.)

Maybe just writing it in a journal or drawing or painting may help.

I'm sorry if this is too much or I'm not being helpful.