CPTSD & People Pleasing Behaviours

[Nishkaa]

I also hate the self talk to my self, "this isn't happening, I can't beleive this". . . fighting a bit, and disappearing. I have to also be very careful because I do dissociate and not at good times. And that sucks.

All the more reason to keep my self safe, always have a safety plan-- never be alone for one second with a 'stranger', acquaintance, etc.

 

[Nora]

Hi Nishkaa, thank you for the kind words about giving myself credit. I am still pretty hard on myself for a lot of things.

It is so hard to know who to trust. I get roped in so easily by the quick promise of intimacy and acceptance, only to have it dashed to pieces later when they pull out the rug from under me. I am so avoidant that I need extra reassurance up front to open up, and how sad that my small amount of trust has often gone to such hurtful people. Now when people do nice things for me, I get paranoia-triggered and assume I'm about to be entrapped. I'm not sure how to balance my need for safety with my need for intimacy.

I'm so sorry about what this ahole did and that talking about it was triggering. *hugs* if you want them! Thank you for taking the time to share mindfully what you were going through and experiencing even as you felt triggered. "Remember to breathe".... it is just me, or is that difficult sometimes? I realize I constantly hold my breath; when I pass people on the street I let out a huge sigh once they're past me. I haven't quite figured out the distinction between self-care and dissociation/denial/avoidance though for handling these tough emotions. With breathing, you pretty much can't go wrong!

-Nora

 

[Nishkaa]

Hi Nora,

Safety is tricky-- my best way for dealing with that is protecting my physical space and as rule, I never allow myself to be alone with anyone I don't know really really well. It's not enough if it was an acquaintence or known through friends-- they don't know how this person behaves on a date. Or if the person is known through volunteer work or work, they can also act very differently-- so they'll never be alone with me ever, not even in the door for a second. It's hard to think of letting my guard down-- meeting in public places, where there is no alcohol.

Breathing is the best-- it's a good short-cut to help re-regulate and prevent panic attack/flashback. You're right about breathing becoming constricted when stressed, it usually happens before panic attack, but I was often unaware of that, until more recently. I try to be intuned to what my body is doing, heart rate, sweat, stomach, throat, arms, legs-- I usually get hints through my body when I'm going to get thrown off track-- so the trick is to get ahead of it before full panic attack, flashback.

Biggest self-care strategy I'm learning is to STOP. Breathe. Ground-- e.g. keeping aware of my body's physiology; keeping aware of my surroundings (the name game, name 5 from five senses what is in the present moment). Self-care can be like getting a cool glass of water, etc. Take a brief rest. Keep breathing. . .:) Prepare a healthy snack. Make a cup of tea. Listen to soothing music. Have a bath.

I really don't know how to get through intimacy fears, as I'm quite avoidant and have been for few years now. Sad to say maybe, but I'm okay with it, I don't think I'm interested in intimacy-- I'll just stay safe with friends I know really well.

Yes, I experience anxiety about people walking behind me. But if I'm just going out for a leisurely stroll-- I either go with my neighbours-- or I'll borrow their dog! :) This dog is great-- if anyone, especially a male is walking up behind me, this dog will turn around and bark and give them crap "don't even think about it!" ;-) I also carry a personal alarm on me as well, whenever I leave my building. It's just something to disrupt things, if someone gets to close. I'm very aware of what's around me. It's still hard though some days, I can't out.

I try to visualize keeping my self safe, going over different scenarios, "what to if. . .". I haven't been able to walk alone in a park in a very long time. I hate thinking about it. So I just make it easier, for walks in the park, I always bring someone with me, or the guard doggy :)

I'm not that helpful in calming fears cause I'm still fairly fearful. It's worse now, because I've been avoiding going out for a few weeks. I'll probably feel better once I get out a few times. I'm going to yoga tomorrow with a friend, so that will be good.

 

[Iam]

I saw this thread and read earlier posts on it. I to am a people pleaser. I have defined myself this way for a very long time. I've learned to say "no" in many circumstances. It is hardest when I am certain that saying no, or not saying what the person wants to hear is going to make them angry.

Kers made a statement that I would love more info on:

I am learning to deflect other people's anger in many different ways, instead of absorbing it into myself.

This is one of my biggest struggles. Does anybody reading this have ways that they deflect the anger of someone else without turning it inward?

 

[Nora]

Iam, yes! I am excited that I have something positive to share here. :)

I participate in a volunteer-based group, and one of the leaders was angry at everyone for not participating in an online fundraiser she had set up. She was really mad and venting to me about it. She yelled in my face, "how hard is it to donate 10 damn dollars?!"

We have known each other for two years now. She has been very kind to me before. So there is that helpful history. I also drew on my strength from my wonderful accepting relationship with my therapist. I looked at her, and my reflexive, instinctual thought pattern was, "Wow, she is really stressed right now. She is working so hard. It's true she's not asking for very much. So why aren't we participating?" I empathized with her anger. I felt BAD for her, because her anger was a reflection of her pain and frustration. I made a sympathetic face, and I said, "well, maybe people don't feel comfortable asking others for money. and I don't think this was a group decision, right? So maybe they didn't want to do it in the first place."

I managed to offer a suggestion that validated her point of view, and offered an explanation without making an excuse for my behavior or being defensive. And I have a LONG history of reacting angrily to unfair accusations. She looked at me and her whole expression changed. "You're right, I never thought about that. Thanks. I'm sorry I yelled at you." She even brought this up in our next group meeting, and took a poll to see whether people wanted to continue with this fundraising idea.

This was so hugely profound for me. I went home and bawled and journaled for hours. 'Normal' people make mistakes, and her anger at me was unfair. But she is a reasonable person, and was still willing to listen to me, and still cared about me even after this interaction!! I wasn't penalized for having my own opinion. 'Normal' people can repair after unpleasant interactions. (Specifically by normal, I mean non-abusive NPD people. Of course the term is relative.)

When a family member invalidated me about my mom's abuse that I'm close to, I immediately got upset but I explained my side. She had lots of excuses for what my mom did, but ultimately, again... I knew it was a reflection on my family member, and I had answers to deflect her 'barbs' because I still had access to all the functioning parts of my brain. She was projecting because she and her son were struggling in their relationship, and wanted to believe that parents can be forgiven for their transgressions. And I knew she had the best of intentions in wanting my mother and me to get along. And somehow I wasn't super threatened so I didn't experience cognitive shutdown. And at the end of our talk, she hugged me and said she loved me. I was very pleasantly surprised. And of course, much crying and journaling ensued ;)

I can't even begin to express how much hope these two recent experiences have given me for all my interpersonal relationships and for humanity.

-Nora

 

[Iam]

Thanks for the pointers Nora and good for you!!!!! That is awesome that you were able to look past your own reactions to why the person was angry. And I do believe that is key. I tend to freeze when somebody yells, they don't even have to be yelling at me. It leaves me shaking and spiraling downward. The times that I am able to step back, think and realize that it's not me that they are angry at I am able to handle it much better. The fact that you were able to do that with your family member who invalidated you is huge too! 2 great experiences that have taught you that it is ok to have your own opinion and share it. Way to go!

 

[Nora]

Thanks Iam!! I'm trying to make sure I really pay attention when things go right for a change, so I can figure out the pattern and repeat. I think much of my daily struggle right now is internal. Instead of being directly triggered, it feels more like random negative thing -> intolerable negative feelings -> Go Go Gadget Maladaptive Trauma-based Coping to try to get rid of the feeling. I want to learn more about internal triggers since I'm isolating and pulling hairs more frequently. Sometimes dealing with PTSD feels a bit like playing whack-a-mole.

-Nora

 

[Klarity Belle]

Freezing and pleasing have been/are my two biggest issues, as well as feeling completely disconnected from my own anger. I had a nightmare once about this disemodied force leaping out of the earth and flying on top of me, I was terrified. My T said it represented my own repressed rage.

Through educating myself, I have learned that pleasing is not the way forward and that I need to set boundaries with others where necessary and focus on my own needs first and foremost. I carry out these 'healthy' behaviours like a kind of drill that I have memorised, it doesn't come or feel natural to me at all and it doesn't help me to feel rewarded in any way - just flat about it really even though I can see and rationalise that life in general is better than it used to be. I don't seem to 'feel' any pleasure out of this though, I guess my reward centres don't work!

I understand what you mean Emmat when you say you were not pleasing for reward. I believe my own self-concept was so bad that I pleased abusive/self absorbed folk in my life because I felt the crumbs they threw me were more than I deserved. Bad treatment for me was well deserved punishment for being such a bad person. This all stemmed from believing I had been responsible for my father's death when I was 7 years old and the cause of my mother's anger and neglect. Having unconsciously bought into this false-belief for so long, I guess it makes sense that creating the 'true' neural pathway about this core trauma event is going to take some time.

 

[Trinomial]

I used to be a people-pleaser, but not so much any more.

I do what I need to do for myself and I do what I can to have healthy relationships, one where I am not always giving things up or going out of my way to make sure the other person is happy. I make compromises and I am a nice person, but I don't let people take advantage of me--and most importantly, my happiness does not depend on other people being happy.

I have a lot of anger inside that I've never dealt with--it's not that I don't get angry, it's that I bury it because I don't know how to express it.

It's hard to explain, but I don't allow myself to experience any emotion fully. I think I hang on to it because I don't want to be truly happy, myself, so I hang on to the other emotions. It's my defense mechanism--if I'm not truly happy, then I can't lose that happiness. And if I don't care about myself, it won't hurt me when others don't care about me.

 

[Sad Nicola]

I am just beginning to realise what a problem people-pleasing behaviour has been for me. It was the way I survived as a child, I think, as in our house it was definitely 'rule by terror'. I was this way at home until my teens when I rebelled, and I know I paid for that dearly.

It all comes rushing in. The reason I allowed myself to be a domestic doormat for years. The reason I have never felt good enough. The way I let my husband rape me night after night after my illegitimate child turned up. I have been feeling guilty for years for things that were never my fault.

This thread has made me realise why I was badly triggered by an event yesterday. I really couldn't figure out why until I read this. I offered a lift back from a party to a woman who I heartily dislike, simply because she asked me. She put me on the spot, so I couldn't refuse - or so I felt. I said yes even knowing it would ruin my night.

Since cptsd struck I have much more assertive, much more forthright in my dealings with people. Something in me won't allow me to be bullied anymore. I judge this to be an advantage - so it was empowering for me to be able to tell her today that I'd changed my mind and that I wouldn't be able to offer her a lift after all.

If I hadn't read this thread, I wouldn't have realised what was going on with me, so thanks all. Empowerment feels good.

Nicola

 

[Juliet]

I am definitively a people pleaser. I often don't know what I want. I can't hear what my heart is telling me and I do things without thinking about my needs. I should be asking myself, how do I think, feel, need and want in situations... but instead I think about everyone else, especially partners, who just walk all over me.

 

[HomeAlone]

Hi Nishkaa, thank you for the kind words about giving myself credit. I am still pretty hard on myself for a lot of things.

It is so hard to know who to trust. I get roped in so easily by the quick promise of intimacy and acceptance, only to have it dashed to pieces later when they pull out the rug from under me. I am so avoidant that I need extra reassurance up front to open up, and how sad that my small amount of trust has often gone to such hurtful people. Now when people do nice things for me, I get paranoia-triggered and assume I'm about to be entrapped. I'm not sure how to balance my need for safety with my need for intimacy.

I'm so sorry about what this ahole did and that talking about it was triggering. *hugs* if you want them! Thank you for taking the time to share mindfully what you were going through and experiencing even as you felt triggered. "Remember to breathe".... it is just me, or is that difficult sometimes? I realize I constantly hold my breath; when I pass people on the street I let out a huge sigh once they're past me. I haven't quite figured out the distinction between self-care and dissociation/denial/avoidance though for handling these tough emotions. With breathing, you pretty much can't go wrong!

-Nora

It's important to put yourself and your own needs first, and remember that you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to-- even police! If someone talks to you and you don't want to listen, you have every right to keep going (unless it's the police, but you don't have to talk to them either-- but that's another story)
With me, I'm always over-compensating and trying to act "normal" and "popular," and get people to like me-- out of rejection of how I actually feel, and copmensation for my actual life-history and feeling just plain worthless and inferior, as well as the overall stigma of which I feel constantly aware. I also have trouble leavng people, saying "good-bye" etc..

So I know how hard it is, and how important it is to make adjustments from standard etiquette and protocols.

For example when you are in a social situation with someone, it's vital to have an "escape plan," and be ready to walk away at any time; otherwise you're a prisoner, and that's just illegal. As long as you don't lead anyone on, you can avoid feeling guilty over it (even though it's difficult).
As for "remembering to breathe," I think that EVERYONE tends to hold their breath when nervous or afraid or feeling threatened; when I'm having a panic attack, I even "ration" my breathing because I'm afraid each breath might be my last, or I might breathe too fast and hyperventiiate (I suffered with hyperventilation sickness for six months at one time-- it's the only reason I ended up leaving home after 10 years, i.e. it made no difference for me to stay home any longer).

Again, I am acutely aware of the temptation to hide one's condition, since I feel so vulnerable about it-- particularly after the persecution and stigma all my life.