General What are they thinking?

[Never_falter2]

Its also a bit pointless and means you sit there without sleep worrying and to absolutely no avail.

Exactly this. I sit there without sleep and I hate it.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Never_falter2 It sounds as if you've had enough invalidation in your life. One thing I've learned is don't play trauma (or suffering) olympics. It's certainly not a competition. I mention this because that is one thing I can't talk to my own sufferer about - he thinks because i haven't had it as "bad" as him, I can't possibly have suffered in my life, and I haven't had any trauma that needs healing. It's taken me 2 years of therapy, so far, and more to come, to finally get past that idea, and realize that, no, I deserve to heal, myself.

I think you got me wrong. Vet doesn’t do this. Play trauma olympics. He was raised to be chivalrous, which means that he thinks everything happening to a lady is much worse than the same thing happening to a man... in fact he is a bit quixotic in believing that all women are damsels in distress and a lady breaking her fingernail is just as bad as 500 men dying the most cruel way (to say it in an exaggerated way) which makes him prone to white-knighting.

No I mentioned it because people on this board always say “How about your own issues? Deal with your own issues“ but in my country... in the current political climate... this is just not possible. The climate in my country is very political those days... everything is about politics... I have not experienced something like this in my life-time.

Yes, sleep is so important and my vet currently never gets enough of it. He was on an antidepressant medication to help him sleep and realized he was so much less tired but he had to stop it because of sideeffects.

 

[Abstract]

he doesn’t nanny me but then I do not need nannying

Hmmm.. no adult needs nannying. Just children. And even then in moderation as they grow up.

It sounds like he has said to you that you are nannying. I can't see how this makes things easier for him. Only harder. And harder for you. So if that is the case I think you need to seriously look deep inside yourself why you do it.

He doesn't need nannying. He needs therapy and self healing for his PTSD and possible related OCD. Can guarantee that nannying is not on the approved lists of effective treatments for PTSD.

 

[Freida]

Deal with your own issues“ but in my country... in the current political climate... this is just not possible.

I think there might be some confusion here... Taking care of yourself doesn't necessarily mean therapy and meds. It could be as simple as modeling behaviors that show how you are caring for yourself. Take a walk, get out of the house, eat right, go get a pedicure, have a hot bath, do some meditation. All the things that make you feel more relaxed and reduce your stress level. Which could, in turn, reduce his stress level because you are more centered

He needs therapy and self healing for his PTSD and possible related OCD.

I wonder -- can you nanny more effectively? Like - instead of fussing about the time he needs to go to bed can you discuss his need for therapy? If hes a research type person leave some articles around discussing ptsd? Introduce him to fellow vets to give him someone to talk to? Encourage him to seek help?

True - none of these are things you "should" have to do but it might fill your need to take care of him in a more effective way and possibly give him a sense of moving forward with things that can improve his life?

 

[Never_falter2]

It sounds like he has said to you that you are nannying. I can't see how this makes things easier for him. Only harder. And harder for you. So if that is the case I think you need to seriously look deep inside yourself why you do it.

Actually it depends. In some cases he asked me to nanny him... of course he does not say “please nanny me“... but he says “what does one do if X is the case“... “what does one do if one went to the shop to buy coffee but the brand one wanted to buy was sold out and one does not know which of the other brands is good“ (same for other products by the way) or “what does one do if one of the kids wants cocoa but not milk“ or “what is one supposed to do if one forgot the name of the person but the person clearly remembers yours“.

When he goes shopping he constantly phones me to ask stupid questions like “Do we need the tinned milk with ten percent fat or that with 4 percent fat, should it be sugared“. Yeah... and he also phoned me to ask me what one does when one of the kids wants cocoa.

I am not really sure why. Sometimes he gets so megastrssed about little differences likesomething being in another place, something a bit damaged, product A instead of product B.

For example I bought another men’s shower gel because it was a reduced price offer. Vet got stressed came to ask me and I was one the phone with somebody else. Vet “I just wanted to me sure if I am supposed to use that men’s shower gel in the shower“. Me “No, it’s my secret lovers... come one... get lost and stop asking stupid questions“. Vet offended.

It’s a slippery slope. One the one hand you want to answer his questions one the other hand you do not want to nanny him. Vet cannot cope with uncertainty or things being a little different.

OTOH he has told me not to bother him about eating anymore because he eats the best he can... and this is hard for me because I fear the side effects for his health. Actually I have known more than one person who became sick or even died because of poor diet (diabetes, heart attack and so on)... and he already has constipation and a very difficult time in the bathroom... really that bad that it reduces his life quality.
He is heartbroken I worry about him and it makes him feel very bad.

As for sleeping. I think he expects to be tucked into bed a bit. He often asks things like when it is bed time that day. Sometimes he comes then and sonetimes he does something else and I have to catch him to tuck him into bed... and he wants me to do this. I think he wants me to decide when it is bed time because he is so afraid of it.

I fear that makes him look like an idiot now.
I mean he is a grown up and he copes so well with so many things in his life. He works a stressful, he served in the military. Of course he would be able to decide when to go to bed or which tinned milk to buy or to figure the men’s shower gel in our shower is his but somethings keeps him from doing that. Sometimes some decisions stress him a lot. I wonder how he copes with having to make some more serious decisions at his job... but I guess he just makes them and copes with feeling very stressed then... and that is what it is about. I do not want hi to feel very stressed.
Sorry for the long post. I couldn’t explain it with less words.

@Freida: We want a nice TV and nacho evening this evening so just a quick answer. I am already doing selfcare stuff... like having a bath with different kinds of Badezusatz. How is Badezusatz translated? He is already doing therapy and selfcare.

 

[Abstract]

It is tricky and confusing for you. My opinion? Anything not asked for is stepping over boundaries. Asked for help no matter what it is falls under a totally different category. Even if that help has been previously asked. The other questions are pretty common for everyone I have to say. My husband, if in those situations, would probably ask them as well. Especially since he knows you are more interested in nutrition etc. My h can't go the shop and know lettuce is different to rocket. Probably because he doesn't care enough.

For simplicity I would describe it like this:
Him asking you for help = help.
You imposing help = nannying.

But I totally and utterly agree with Freida. If you are going to push his boundaries and do some nannying the time to do it would be for something that has long term solution and help outcome for him. Pushes towards professional help.

 

[Abstract]

A quick addition: that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to speak out if something is affecting you. There is a difference between stating things that concern you and trying to change and nanny other people.

 

[grimalkin]

@Never_falter2 Oh, no, I didn't mean I thought your guy was playing trauma olympics. It actually sounds more like YOU think you haven't suffered "enough" or experienced "enough" trauma to need to heal from anything. IE, in comparison to others, your own trauma is small, and therefore you have no reason to complain. Which is not a good mindset to be in either. We all deserve healing, whether we think our pain is "big" enough to "deserve" it or not.

My guy, he plays trauma olympics. And I bought into it for too long.

I agree with the idea that asked for help is helping. Anything else is overstepping boundaries. Just because my sufferer asked for help filling out one form didn't even mean he needed help with a similar form a few days later. So my doing it automatically for him, or asking if he wanted me to do the other one as well, was actually frustrating for him.

 

[Never_falter2]

@Abstract

My friends said the same thing when he phoned about the cocoa. “Oh, men are weird. Do not worry“

When vet felt unable to eat and I tried to make him eat he felt unhappy and felt like he was disappointing me and I think it wasn’t right I tried to make him eat... but typically he eats if you place something healthful in front of him as long as it does not taste to healthful and that’s okay for him... but you have to place it in front of him... he typically does not actively go to the kitchen to seek healthful food.

Oh, he doesn’t just phone about food. When he is grocery shopping he phones me about all kind of products... maybe because he hates grocery shopping... makes him feel very stressed... dunno... maybe he just wants to hear my voice or wants to have the feeling of being advised.
He is also like “Okay... I phoned because I have a question about the laundry detergent... I am not there yet... wait... wait... let me go to the isle... wait... now I am there... my question is: ...“ Really, why not walk to the isle with the laundry detergent first and phone than. Is it because he is stressed and needs a handhold or what?

Yeah... and here’s what I do not get... why is he doing that. Is it really just because men do the darndest things or is it ptsd related?

BTW same hubby hates it when I call while he is grocery shopping.

However talking about food. Guess what happened today. It was Vets turn to prepare dinner today... typically looking forward to chili or lasagna or something like this, but he had bought chicken meat which is odd... expected him to cook it with lots of gravy and fries... and he did a salad with chicken meat and whole grain noodles. I am shocked ?! Shocked?!

I came to the decision to think less about this. Lately I have been doing lots of research. My son has been ill and I had him lying on my lap, couldn’t move and could do lots of researchabout the danger of living on cupcakes and milkshakes.... made me feel very unhappy.

However I decided that I will learn more healthful Cupcake/muffin recipes... because this is something vet likes. I you bake a healthful muffin.

Sorry... looooooooong post.

 

[jimicrakdcorn]

Thank all sufferers for sharing your experiences. It's really helpful. When my sufferer disappeared, I was uninformed and had no context for it at all. I went through a series of emotions.

The first was disbelief. I trusted him. I know he loved me. He would never do something like that me. I'll hear from him.

Then the search for an alternative explanation. Did something happen? Is he hurt? Did he lose his phone, and that's why I can't get through to him? It sounds naive , but the mind just can't make sense of what is happening.

Then it became hurt and fear. I was wrong about him. He never really cared about me, It was all a lie. Feeling angry, which is really a cover-up for the fear. The fear that if I could be so wrong about someone, how could I trust myself and my own judgment?

Then rejection of that. I know it was real. There has to be some explanation. Messaging frantically, trying desperately to contact him through other means, without success. Needing some resolution for the overwhelming confusion. It's just irrational. Feelings of desperation for some explanation. Should I go to his house?

Then self-doubt. Did I do or say something wrong that caused him to flee? Was it my fault?

Then trying to fix it. If it was caused by something I said or did, then I should be able to fix it. More attempts to contact him, apologetic, showing empathy, trying to get some kind of response, some explanation.

Cycling through these emotions, endlessly. Until I learned more and understood that is wasn't about me.

Then came the grief. Hurting so much. The tragedy of such a beautiful person having to go through this, and most likely losing him, because there is nothing I can do, no action I can take to make it better. Trying to let go. More bargaining. What can I do or say to influence him to come back and talk to me? Nothing. It's all on him.

It takes a long time to get over. I've been through a number of break-ups of LTR's and a divorce. It may seem crazy, but none of them were as hard as the end of this brief relationship. Because the endings made sense. There was a deterioration of the relationship that signaled what was coming. There was an adult conversation and resolution. Acceptance that the connection just wasn't right.

With this, all I'm left with is the memory of this amazing love that seemed to be building toward something. The connection was right. He appeared to be trying to connect more deeply, giving signals of growing commitment. Excitement and hope for a great future. And then in a moment, he was just gone. It haunts me.

@Freida, thanks for starting this thread. I don't mean to minimize the pain you sufferers go through that causes you to do these things. There is a lot of pain on both sides.

There are many articles about the psychological effects of Ghosting someone. Good reading for both sufferers and supporters. I believe it is important to try and understand where other people are coming from what they have been through. Mature communication is important.

This Is Why Ghosting Hurts So Much

 

[LuckiLee]

"Mature communication"... Absofreakinlutely!!

 

[Freida]

That's a great article!