How do you handle people who mean well but have no clue?

[EveHarrington]

I’m talking about my sister here.

She lectured me on how I have to go out and find my own happiness.

She lectured me on how I need to accept that there are things I cannot change and accepting such things will help my anxiety.

She asked if I was going to therapy and I said yes, 2x a week.

She said she didn’t believe in medication to fix everything. Hint number one that she has no clue. The 2x week therapy came before medications. She can believe what she wants to believe but I know my meds are really helping me. ....as if I’m just sitting on my ass doing nothing and letting the drugs do it all. SMH. My therapist and I are working on stability. My sister has no clue I was in the hospital a month ago.

She says I need tough love. I get that from my therapist. I need damn comforting love. I NEED HUGS!!! My sisters brand of tough love is not what I want! I’m thinking of asking my therapist for hugs. One hug at the end of session before I walk out the door.

Really, she has no clue how far I’ve come. None whatsoever. I know I’ve come a long way. I KNOW stability is coming soon because my meds are finally the right meds. (It’s just something that you know.) Med stabilization leads the path to more, much much more.

I think she just doesn’t understand.

Ugh.

Do I just smile and nod?

Any effort at a conversation ends up in a lecture and I’m not comfortable sharing the intimate details of my treatment with her.

She thinks “anxiety” is the same as “ptsd”. It’s not.

Advice?

Help?

Thank you!

 

[Abstract]

Its extremely upsetting isnt it? When we try to let people in and they cant meet us. I suspect its a combination of finding out how much the person can learn and what you can then trust or lean on them for and what you cant. Has she had any trauma or mental health stuff herself? What has been discussed before this? It might help to start sending her little easy bites of info about ptsd and start trying to educate her. Maybe try asking for what you need too. ? Maybe one small thing at a time though so that its easier for her not to get lost.
Hope you get those hugs.

 

[Wendell_R]

In my fantasies, I imagine telling people like that what really happens in our brains and bodies, and seeing their jaw drop. But that doesn't seem like such a good idea in real life, does it? I think smile and nod is probably the best you can do. Before telling her any more, I would ask myself how she is with other people and other situations. If she is able to switch from lecture mode to a mode of learning & listening, I might share more. But if she does this all the time with others, I would be afraid she is impervious. And talking to someone fixed in their opinions wouldn't be useful.

 

[Beautyoutofashes54]

I’m sorry that you are having to go through this, but I’ll be honest most of us have. I don’t know to many individuals who get support from family and friends right away. Family can be tough as they may not want to hear that mental illness is within their family. That is how my family is. I ended up making some hard choices to step away while I got myself better. When I felt strong and ok with myself I then started to speak and do stuff with them but I paid close attention to my bodies signals. I may have said yes two weeks ago but now not so much so I would bow out. The other thing is I learned that I don’t owe anyone an explanation for keeping myself healthy. Living a mentally healthy life will always take work, and your worth it. So hold your head up stand strong and be your own advocate. Maybe taking a vacation from your sister will help. Beautyoutofashes54

 

[HealingInProcess]

I’m talking about my sister here.

She lectured me on how I have to go out and find my own happiness.

She lectured me on how I need to accept that there are things I cannot change and accepting such things will help my anxiety.

She asked if I was going to therapy and I said yes, 2x a week.

She said she didn’t believe in medication to fix everything. Hint number one that she has no clue. The 2x week therapy came before medications. She can believe what she wants to believe but I know my meds are really helping me. ....as if I’m just sitting on my ass doing nothing and letting the drugs do it all. SMH. My therapist and I are working on stability. My sister has no clue I was in the hospital a month ago.

She says I need tough love. I get that from my therapist. I need damn comforting love. I NEED HUGS!!! My sisters brand of tough love is not what I want! I’m thinking of asking my therapist for hugs. One hug at the end of session before I walk out the door.

Really, she has no clue how far I’ve come. None whatsoever. I know I’ve come a long way. I KNOW stability is coming soon because my meds are finally the right meds. (It’s just something that you know.) Med stabilization leads the path to more, much much more.

I think she just doesn’t understand.

Ugh.

Do I just smile and nod?

Any effort at a conversation ends up in a lecture and I’m not comfortable sharing the intimate details of my treatment with her.

She thinks “anxiety” is the same as “ptsd”. It’s not.

Advice?

Help?

Thank you!

Family is very tough because we can expect so much from them but just because our family "knows" us doesn't mean they necessarily understand us. Add on to that the intimacy with family and transference and all types of particular family dynamics that come into play and complicate the situation. I think from what you say your sister appears to have some anxiety in her related to your situation and she wants to have you fix her anxiety problem by getting well so she doesn't feel anxious about you anymore. But her anxiety about you is her anxiety about you and it's her responsibility to manage it herself and not have you fix it for her by being what she wants you to be. Now I've been on the other side of this and so I know the anxiety that comes when someone close to you is struggling and you feel you can't help them and it's hard, but that's my responsibility to deal with not theirs.

 

[EveHarrington]

My therapist said to disregard everything my sister said......and only accept that she cares about me and wants the best for me.....mainly because my sister was crossing boundaries left and right.

I don’t think my sister is capable of anything BUT tough love. At least not with me. I think it would kill her to give me a damn hug when I’m having an episode, or even a bad day.

Really, I’m surprised she even wants me around because I’m poor and not a “success” like she is.

I am going to write my sister a letter but I’m still not sure what to say. I wonder if it will even matter?

 

[Emotional girl]

I think there comes a point when you have someone likes this in your life that you just have to pick and choose what you discuss with them.
My mother is very critical of me and I have got to the point where I just talk to her about general every day stuff because it is easier that way.
My therapist told me that you can't change that person you can only change how you deal with them.
She is obviously making you feel low and upset by her actions and her tough love.
Could you say to your therapist that you have listened to what they have told you but it is not helping and that you need a different solution to your problem with your sister.
Could you let your gaurd down and say you need some real love instead of tough love ?

 

[EveHarrington]

Could you say to your therapist that you have listened to what they have told you but it is not helping and that you need a different solution to your problem with your sister.

I have no idea what you are talking about. What solution?

Could you let your gaurd down and say you need some real love instead of tough love ?

No because then I risk losing my nephew.

 

[HealingInProcess]

My therapist said to disregard everything my sister said......and only accept that she cares about me and wants the best for me.....mainly because my sister was crossing boundaries left and right.

I don’t think my sister is capable of anything BUT tough love. At least not with me. I think it would kill her to give me a damn hug when I’m having an episode, or even a bad day.

Really, I’m surprised she even wants me around because I’m poor and not a “success” like she is.

I am going to write my sister a letter but I’m still not sure what to say. I wonder if it will even matter?

I don't know what happened but my original reply disappeared. I do think your sister is also demonstrating her love by entrusting you to look after her son. It may be that she has difficult communicating with you outside of this "tough love" but I'm glad you can see it as love and not as just criticism or nagging. I don't believe your letter will necessarily change the way she expresses herself towards you, although it could, but perhaps be prepared in case it doesn't. I do believe she loves you but she just doesn't show it in the way you would prefer, but people do talk about having different "love languages" and this "fixer' type language might be hers, as difficult as it is to deal with.

 

[Sideways]

I don’t think my sister is capable of anything BUT tough love.

This.

I have a difficult relationship with both of my sisters. They don’t understand my condition, and can be incredibly hard to tolerate, especially if they start trying to hand me advice.

For me it’s a radical acceptance situation. They are who the are. They don’t know how to be any different.

I don’t have to like all of it, or agree with all of it, or even understand the planet they live on, in order to have a good relationship with them. They don’t understand me either, so it’s mutual confusion and good intentions.

And when they try to help, but just aren’t helpful? If you know that it’s coming from a place of genuine compassion (which it probably is), then I just accept and let it go. Just like when I’m difficult in some way because of my cptsd, they have to accept me as I am. The relationship is bigger than the individual snippets of unhelpful advice.

 

[joeylittle]

I don't know what happened but my original reply disappeared.

Make sure you are logged in - otherwise your posts will be treated as guest posts and go into moderation. Any questions, please use Contact us

 

[Abstract]

For me it’s a radical acceptance situation.

I have done this with a lot of people in various ways. It means the serious consideration of what they are capable, testing it out and then accepting. Painful short term but longer term less than the alternative. You know the saying about going through the low doorway without ducking ones head. Repeatedly.

I even told my mother about the ptsd to try to save a sliver of the relationship (whilst she pushed contact with my cousin and other things) and when I did received exactly what I predicted. And that's it. No more. We have to judge who can manage and act accordingly. It doesn't mean we can't have them as support in our lives but it's wise to judge the doorway before trying to pass through it. And acknowledging that doorway is never going to be the one we wish it was can mean a mourning process.

but remember time and patient education can help with the right people.