I had my second therapy session today. We finished up intake and worked on some vague therapy goals. It's so hard knowing what I want to work on because in my mind I feel fine even though I know I'm not. I don't know how I feel. I feel like I haven't even touched the surface on anything too big yet I slept for hours after both sessions. I think I like my therapist. It's hard to tell when I like someone though. There's so many things that I forget to mention when she asks or things that I misunderstand because I'm so literal in my language. I haven't even mentioned to my wife that I started seeing a therapist???? I have no idea why. She's so supportive. I just said I went to the "doctor" :bag: It's so silly of me.
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- Post starter sprout
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Swift
Diamond Member
Great start to your diary!
Therapy is difficult, but so worth it.
I hope you're able to tell your wife eventually.
And - pace is really important. 2 appointments is great work, but won't get you close to the bigger stuff. (I've been with my T 8 months and still haven't touched on most of it.)
Therapy is difficult, but so worth it.
I hope you're able to tell your wife eventually.
And - pace is really important. 2 appointments is great work, but won't get you close to the bigger stuff. (I've been with my T 8 months and still haven't touched on most of it.)
- Post starter
- #3
Today I was thinking about how I originally ended up on here because I was having these ugly flashbacks and didn't understand what they were and ended up realizing that my whole family dynamic is f*cked. I was on the child abuse forum and read a thread from someone about the emotional incest they experienced from their mother. She would confide inappropriately in them, rely on them heavily for emotional support, and have outbursts stemming from her mental illness. And when I first read that I thought about how my mom did all those things and more but in my mind I really didn't see that as something out of the norm. I recognized that that was abuse for that person but in my mind I thought it was a cultural difference for me. In my mind I thought like oh well in my culture family is super important and I'm also a girl and in my culture women are relied on heavily to take care of their families. So in my mind my mom confiding in me and relying on me was just a part of how the family was supposed to work. Until I thought about how YOUNG I was. Like maybe don't tell your 5 year old you're having extreme money problems? Maybe don't tell your 10 year old UNPROMPTED about the time you almost got kidnapped and your friend wasn't so lucky? And then ask her if it was your fault??? Maybe don't tell your 11 year old you think you're going to die soon but won't go to the doctor? Maybe don't tell your 13 year old all the gruesome details of her cousin's kidnapping and murder all while expecting her to soothe you? Maybe learn to parent your own teenager and don't accept your 20 year old's offer to raise your 16 year old in another city with no support at all?
There were just so many instances of inappropriate emotional support while growing up and it's never really stopped. I've always felt like I couldn't open up to anybody because I didn't want to add to anyone's stress or because I felt like I was supposed to soothe people not worry them. As soon as I'd see someone starting to feel anything that wasn't completely positive about whatever I was experiencing or feeling I'd backtrack and assure them I was fine and go from trying to be comforted to comforting them. I still do this and it's so hard not to.
I hate that my parents can also be really really good parents too. It makes it that much harder to reconcile the ways they mistreated and endangered me while also caring for me.
There were just so many instances of inappropriate emotional support while growing up and it's never really stopped. I've always felt like I couldn't open up to anybody because I didn't want to add to anyone's stress or because I felt like I was supposed to soothe people not worry them. As soon as I'd see someone starting to feel anything that wasn't completely positive about whatever I was experiencing or feeling I'd backtrack and assure them I was fine and go from trying to be comforted to comforting them. I still do this and it's so hard not to.
I hate that my parents can also be really really good parents too. It makes it that much harder to reconcile the ways they mistreated and endangered me while also caring for me.
Chris-duck
VIP Member
Welcome! Good start to your diary :) hope writing stuff out helps you. Yeah, that sounds like your parents put a lot on you inappropriately at a really young age. There was no way any child would have the emotional resources to deal with that. I totally get the back and forth between parents caring and mistreating.
Hope your days going alright
Hope your days going alright
- Post starter
- #5
I have such a hard time saying "yes, I was sexually abused." When I talk about it in therapy I always preface with an "if." I just remember so little. It's ridiculous because I even answer questions like "if it happened there was definitely fingering and probably oral" when how can you answer so detailed when you don't remember and don't think it's true lol. I explained it to my therapist like if 10 is complete denial (like I was at when this first came up) and 1 is complete acceptance then I'm at a 5 where I somehow both accept and deny at once. It's such a strange place to occupy and I don't really know how to get to that part where I'm 100% sure and okay with being sure.
- Post starter
- #6
The other day I was looking at pictures from my childhood and remembered this period that I had completely forgotten where I lived in a different city for a few weeks to a couple months (I have no idea as my childhood timeline is completely f*cked lol). My dad was changing jobs and had to go to a training for some time so we went as a family and stayed at one of my tia's house. We got summer passes to a nearby waterpark and my mom, sister, and I would go during the day. It's what I thought was a fun period in my life even though I somehow remember zero details and apparently forgot it even happened. So, while remembering that happened I suddenly had a flash of being in the dark living room at night with the tv on but on mute. I kept putting a timer on so I could fall asleep but I was too terrified and couldn't fall asleep so I kept turning it back on. I didn't want anyone to know I was awake though so that's why I put it on mute but I was too scared to be in the dark and feel alone so I kept the tv on. I assumed this period was when I was 7-9 and that we had stayed in the guest room with my parents so these flashes weren't making sense to me and kind of scared me. I casually texted my mom to ask her how old we were and where we stayed and she said I was 5 and that my sister and I stayed in the living room and my parents stayed in the guest room.
Now this is f*ckED. The tio who lived in this house is one who has always disgusted me and my sister. He was super gross, would give hugs/kisses that felt so icky, would stare at us inappropriately, tell us we were "special" and "beautiful" in a way that felt so invasive, and would give us gifts that were probably an attempt at grooming us. Not to mention he's a shit human who was physically and emotionally abusive to his family. Anyways, my mom even WARNED ME when I was a little girl to never be alone with him or let him be alone with my sister because she suspected him of being a pedophile. She told me that once he had made a "joke" to my older cousin when she was ~3 about her underwear or something gross like that. I don't remember but I think he asked her what kind of underwear she was wearing or something and played it off like he was joking?? She said maybe it really was innocent but to never be alone with him "just in case."
So why THE f*ck did she leave 5 year old me with my 2 year old sister alone in the living room for WEEKS where someone she thought was a pedophile could easily have access to us. It just completely boggles my mind. I don't understand. She's so f*cking over protective of us too so how could she do that???
When I was processing during EMDR I didn't get anything in a nice and neat narrative but my mind would go from the original target (someone I can't see assaulting me in a room I can't make out) to this memory of being in this living room, to me sitting in a ball on the floor alone in the bathroom in this home crying, to a childhood friend assaulting me when I was 7, to lying in bed as a kid in my childhood room afraid to sleep, to reading a letter from a much older cousin who went to prison and being scared of having to see him ever again, to images of details of that living room (ceiling, a door, an infomercial, some boots on the floor). It kind of feels like it was probably my uncle who assaulted me, at least in this instant in this way, when I was 5. But again I can't say with certainty as I can't see the person in the direct memory of being assaulted.
But I mean where there's smoke there's fire so maybe I should trust my gut.
Now this is f*ckED. The tio who lived in this house is one who has always disgusted me and my sister. He was super gross, would give hugs/kisses that felt so icky, would stare at us inappropriately, tell us we were "special" and "beautiful" in a way that felt so invasive, and would give us gifts that were probably an attempt at grooming us. Not to mention he's a shit human who was physically and emotionally abusive to his family. Anyways, my mom even WARNED ME when I was a little girl to never be alone with him or let him be alone with my sister because she suspected him of being a pedophile. She told me that once he had made a "joke" to my older cousin when she was ~3 about her underwear or something gross like that. I don't remember but I think he asked her what kind of underwear she was wearing or something and played it off like he was joking?? She said maybe it really was innocent but to never be alone with him "just in case."
So why THE f*ck did she leave 5 year old me with my 2 year old sister alone in the living room for WEEKS where someone she thought was a pedophile could easily have access to us. It just completely boggles my mind. I don't understand. She's so f*cking over protective of us too so how could she do that???
When I was processing during EMDR I didn't get anything in a nice and neat narrative but my mind would go from the original target (someone I can't see assaulting me in a room I can't make out) to this memory of being in this living room, to me sitting in a ball on the floor alone in the bathroom in this home crying, to a childhood friend assaulting me when I was 7, to lying in bed as a kid in my childhood room afraid to sleep, to reading a letter from a much older cousin who went to prison and being scared of having to see him ever again, to images of details of that living room (ceiling, a door, an infomercial, some boots on the floor). It kind of feels like it was probably my uncle who assaulted me, at least in this instant in this way, when I was 5. But again I can't say with certainty as I can't see the person in the direct memory of being assaulted.
But I mean where there's smoke there's fire so maybe I should trust my gut.
- Post starter
- #7
Today we did EMDR in therapy again. I remembered a handful of details from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about. Normal things like my sister and I having different rooms for a couple of years. I thought we had always shared a room for some reason. I guess I don't think about these things too much. I also remembered this desk my creepy tio made for my little sister's birthday one year.
Anyways, a scene came up where I was in this workshop/shed that belonged to my tio. It was this two story shed that he had built in their backyard. The top floor was a clubhouse we would play and read books in and the bottom floor was where he would work on projects. In this scene he was showing me something he was working on and his tools and stuff and he exposed himself to me. But he kept talking to me like normal like he wasn't doing anything inappropriate. And I just had the feeling of being confused and not really knowing what was happening. And like kid me was thinking like I don't really know what this means but I'm pretty sure it's wrong. But he was acting like nothing was happening so I kept thinking "what is he doing? is this normal? is he even doing this?? am i imagining this?? is this real?? this can't be real he's acting so normal" And then I made adult me take kid me out of there because I didn't want to be in that memory anymore. I walked back into the kitchen where my tia and mom were making breakfast and painting cascarones. I felt very dreamlike and confused.
When my therapist asked what came up all I could say was "I'm in my tio's shed. He's showing me some tools." I was able to say the words out loud towards the end of the session once we had stopped the emdr. She kind of chastised me for not telling her during emdr but I physically could not say the words. I was trying but I could only get out the first part of the sentence. It's so hard to give these images words. I can hardly think about them in a coherent way much less verbalize them.
I actually do remember that scene of him showing me around his workshop but I've never remembered him exposing himself before. It's so hard to say "yes, that definitely happened." to myself. It feels so dreamlike and bizarre.
Anyways, a scene came up where I was in this workshop/shed that belonged to my tio. It was this two story shed that he had built in their backyard. The top floor was a clubhouse we would play and read books in and the bottom floor was where he would work on projects. In this scene he was showing me something he was working on and his tools and stuff and he exposed himself to me. But he kept talking to me like normal like he wasn't doing anything inappropriate. And I just had the feeling of being confused and not really knowing what was happening. And like kid me was thinking like I don't really know what this means but I'm pretty sure it's wrong. But he was acting like nothing was happening so I kept thinking "what is he doing? is this normal? is he even doing this?? am i imagining this?? is this real?? this can't be real he's acting so normal" And then I made adult me take kid me out of there because I didn't want to be in that memory anymore. I walked back into the kitchen where my tia and mom were making breakfast and painting cascarones. I felt very dreamlike and confused.
When my therapist asked what came up all I could say was "I'm in my tio's shed. He's showing me some tools." I was able to say the words out loud towards the end of the session once we had stopped the emdr. She kind of chastised me for not telling her during emdr but I physically could not say the words. I was trying but I could only get out the first part of the sentence. It's so hard to give these images words. I can hardly think about them in a coherent way much less verbalize them.
I actually do remember that scene of him showing me around his workshop but I've never remembered him exposing himself before. It's so hard to say "yes, that definitely happened." to myself. It feels so dreamlike and bizarre.
- Post starter
- #8
I've been avoiding the Brett Kavanaugh hearings and news since it began, mostly subconsciously but sometimes consciously because I knew what it would do to me. Last night I read some articles over the matter and subsequently went down a rabbit hole of abuse articles (i.e. a lot of #metoo articles etc). I had to stop because it was making me physically sick and I started crying which made it hard to read. The world is such an ugly scary place sometimes.
- Post starter
- #9
My cousin who is the daughter of the uncle who hurt me is getting married and the idea of going to the wedding is freaking me out! I love her and want to support her but I feel scared shitless about having to confront him. My family will definitely get mad at me if I don't go though. I did a pretty good job at avoiding him during Christmas and New Years though so maybe I can do that again. I strategically carried some pillows when I went to say hi to him so our bodies were physically separated and I didn't have to hug or kiss him lol. And on Christmas I waited till everyone was saying bye so there was a lot of confusion/distraction and ran to my car. Small victories gotta hold on to the small victories! Plus the wedding isn't for another two months so there's no use sitting here crying about it and making myself nauseous over it when who knows what will happen two months from now ?Plenty time to brainstorm escape plans until then! ?
- Post starter
- #10
Thinking about the time I went to the doctor cause I was getting frequent urinary tract infections. The doctor asked me point blank if someone was touching me inappropriately. He gave me two choices when he asked 1. someone was molesting me or 2. I was wiping improperly. My mom and him seemed so serious and freaked out that I got scared and wanted to say anything to calm them down because by that time I had already been conditioned to console adults and could not handle anyone around me being anxious so I said I must have been wiping wrong even though that was a lie. I'm just now realizing I was about 5 at the time of the appointment which is the same age that some of my rape memories are from. I feel sick. I think the bulk of my memories are from when I was 4 though. How long did the abuse span?? How many times did it happen?! When did it start? When did it end? What other places did it take place? Why didn't that doctor know how to properly question a child so as to not terrify her??? How was I surrounded by so many incompetent adults...?
Empty Shell
Bronze Member
I am so sorry this happened to you. My husband didn't believe me when I told him about ONE of my rapes. He doesn't know it but I picture an axe, a wedge between us for that. It was worse than a slap in the face. I've been in therapy 45 years. I've only been working on PTSD for the past year. I think the golden question a person with a degree in medicine should be able to open their mouth and ask, gently ask, "What happened to you?" I honestly believe that would get to the root of the problem, and therapy could happen sooner. Good luck on your journey. I've found that even if I'm not journaling it helps to at least read forum posts. It lets me know how I am feeling is normal for what I've gone through from 5 years old. I'm 63. I "drunk" my life away pretty much. It's a mess. I learned how to handle life at 5 years old. Didn't work out so well. I think when a person is in panic state, fight or flight, scared all the time, it's really bullshit to think that person would get any life memos. I missed them all.
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- Post starter
- #12
I was reading a book today and it said trauma isn't just about what happened but also about what DIDN'T happen. When you're growing up around trauma you're not allowed to have normal life experiences and lessons (i.e. you didn't have someone properly care for you, you didn't get to learn about yourself, you didn't learn how to properly love and trust etc.) and when you acknowledge your trauma and start the process of healing you have to recognize the things you didn't have and do/learn those things now.
I'm so sorry you've had bad things happen but I'm glad you're working on healing from your PTSD too. I've been working on it for maybe 6 months now and it's the best/hardest thing i've ever done for myself
I'm so sorry you've had bad things happen but I'm glad you're working on healing from your PTSD too. I've been working on it for maybe 6 months now and it's the best/hardest thing i've ever done for myself
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