So my therapist is likely the ONLY person I have ever been able to talk to about crazy stuff. I am an abuse survivor and although I remembered it, I had not owned it as mine until I hit my 40's. The movies I saw that were mine I thought were just fiction and I was easy to dissociate and dismiss them. Now, I can't. There are tons of things in my life I now see through a different perspective and it is frightening and makes me want to run to my therapists office to talk about it. WTH? I have NEVER been like that. I gotta stop! It's too much sharing. Plus, I have never been dependent on anyone for anything especially stuff like this. Does it go away? I literally don't like feeling needy. I am not a needy person. I do everything for everyone else. Tell me this goes away. It's not that I want to have my therapist fix me or hang out, although she is very easy to be with and I enjoy her personality very much, but I feel...ugh... lonely and afraid... sigh... I don't like that either.
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Does anyone else feel too dependent on therapy?
- Post starter Rumors
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Lionheart
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Hi @Rumors ,
You might fare better if you lose the term "crazy stuff" from your vocabulary. The only thing crazy about abuse is that abusers do it to begin with and trauma is not crazy, but I understand it can make one think that about themselves.
Also, may I ask you, how much sharing is too much for you? Can you go at it a little at a time?
It is okay to depend on a therapist if they are good therapists who are respectful of your boundaries. I personally, have the opposite problem and often find that I am too dependent on myself when I need to utilize my therapist more.
I hope you find that things will eventually get easier, just as I did. I certainly wish you the best and hope that someone with greater intellect and insights will share with you here.
The first couple lines of your story could be written by me. Not owning and completely and utterly splitting from my abuse and now that I am in the trenches of dealing with it...it is frightening and the feelings of dependence are real in therapy.
We are all different and have different needs and what worked for me may sound foreign to others or vice versa. But so far I am learning, whatever feeling that comes up in therapy is a developmental phase I did not finish so I am being given a chance to re-learn.
The learning is weird and difficult cause it should have been learned and then repressed naturally. Like every baby was dependent at one time but no one really remembers being that dependent, they know and took it for granted and it turned into loving their parents or caretakers. but within traumatic experience, it means for me, I was too busy surviving that the animal- and basic humanity in me did not feel dependent and safe at the same time. I felt dependent and scared.
So I am not surprised in therapy it is exactly the same, I depend on this person to help me or give me safe space to find myself but yet I am shitless scared - sounds so familiar.
To me there were two options: I resist this dependence since of course I am adult and independent and forever struggle inside because the fear is too much and I do not want it and I avoid strong feelings or I have a pride.
or cognitively say to myself (without any feelings), I am independent, I am hiring this person to help me. I will give a go and see what happens because in all fairness, I survived then and I will survive again (there are many layers why this step may not work for everybody) depending on their manifestation and life choices in the present tense. All of sudden, as I allow this surrender intellectually, I started to relax and certain safety and strength started to seep into my psychic.
Since I started to use some of my cognition in therapy to allow me set the path for accepting the emotional aspect, my therapy got better and easier. If I feel wow my therapist is gone for a while, I know that is a feeling of i.e. abandonment creeping up etc etc and rather than getting lost in it, I start to meditate on it.
We are all different and have different needs and what worked for me may sound foreign to others or vice versa. But so far I am learning, whatever feeling that comes up in therapy is a developmental phase I did not finish so I am being given a chance to re-learn.
The learning is weird and difficult cause it should have been learned and then repressed naturally. Like every baby was dependent at one time but no one really remembers being that dependent, they know and took it for granted and it turned into loving their parents or caretakers. but within traumatic experience, it means for me, I was too busy surviving that the animal- and basic humanity in me did not feel dependent and safe at the same time. I felt dependent and scared.
So I am not surprised in therapy it is exactly the same, I depend on this person to help me or give me safe space to find myself but yet I am shitless scared - sounds so familiar.
To me there were two options: I resist this dependence since of course I am adult and independent and forever struggle inside because the fear is too much and I do not want it and I avoid strong feelings or I have a pride.
or cognitively say to myself (without any feelings), I am independent, I am hiring this person to help me. I will give a go and see what happens because in all fairness, I survived then and I will survive again (there are many layers why this step may not work for everybody) depending on their manifestation and life choices in the present tense. All of sudden, as I allow this surrender intellectually, I started to relax and certain safety and strength started to seep into my psychic.
Since I started to use some of my cognition in therapy to allow me set the path for accepting the emotional aspect, my therapy got better and easier. If I feel wow my therapist is gone for a while, I know that is a feeling of i.e. abandonment creeping up etc etc and rather than getting lost in it, I start to meditate on it.
I really relate to this.
In my 40s before I too connected my past to me. My therapist was the only pesron I trusted with the horror, the bond we developed was very strong. However although I felt a big level of dependancy there came a point where I felt I was actually ok and not needing therapy that I was doing ok. The problem was missing the therapist in herself and as someone I could be truely open with. I realised that I wasnt actually dependent upon her, I just liked the realtionship I had with her. I am not in therapy with her, yes I miss her every day but it has been good for me to know that I can be ok on my own.
Who know maybe you will get to a similar point. I got through this by talking to my therapist about it. It was good for me to talk it through, hear her share her feelings towards me (she was very open about this) and knowing that she valued the realtionship and bond too really helped.
Furthermore there is nothing wrong with a bit of depenadancy if that is what you need right now.
In my 40s before I too connected my past to me. My therapist was the only pesron I trusted with the horror, the bond we developed was very strong. However although I felt a big level of dependancy there came a point where I felt I was actually ok and not needing therapy that I was doing ok. The problem was missing the therapist in herself and as someone I could be truely open with. I realised that I wasnt actually dependent upon her, I just liked the realtionship I had with her. I am not in therapy with her, yes I miss her every day but it has been good for me to know that I can be ok on my own.
Who know maybe you will get to a similar point. I got through this by talking to my therapist about it. It was good for me to talk it through, hear her share her feelings towards me (she was very open about this) and knowing that she valued the realtionship and bond too really helped.
Furthermore there is nothing wrong with a bit of depenadancy if that is what you need right now.
I wanted to echo @rosey comment:
and add that I forgot to add the same thing, dependence on others feels weird to those of us who have been hurt in that area. That is why people who are alcohol dependent are usually suffering from childhood traumatic experiences etc.
It is actually a normal thing in most relationship. I depend on my husband and he depends on me. Without dependence, our relationship would be chaos and extremely unorganized. But do we depend on let us say for every thing like my feelings and my own mind - absolutely not because I am not his child and he is not my child and does not have to tell me when to eat, sleep or poop or think..LOl right?
I have my own thoughts but I completely depend on him for a lot of things. In short, yes you can depend on your therapist, until you learn your internal dependency campus which you (or many of us with dependence issues) did not learn as a child. Because you are conscious of this already and cannot close your eyes, I feel, you will reach a point where you will see the difference between today and that day and go yeah...I love my therapist but I do not depend on her like I had a year ago...something like that. This is an example.
Just wanted to expand Rosey's comment cause it is really an important one.
and add that I forgot to add the same thing, dependence on others feels weird to those of us who have been hurt in that area. That is why people who are alcohol dependent are usually suffering from childhood traumatic experiences etc.
It is actually a normal thing in most relationship. I depend on my husband and he depends on me. Without dependence, our relationship would be chaos and extremely unorganized. But do we depend on let us say for every thing like my feelings and my own mind - absolutely not because I am not his child and he is not my child and does not have to tell me when to eat, sleep or poop or think..LOl right?
I have my own thoughts but I completely depend on him for a lot of things. In short, yes you can depend on your therapist, until you learn your internal dependency campus which you (or many of us with dependence issues) did not learn as a child. Because you are conscious of this already and cannot close your eyes, I feel, you will reach a point where you will see the difference between today and that day and go yeah...I love my therapist but I do not depend on her like I had a year ago...something like that. This is an example.
Just wanted to expand Rosey's comment cause it is really an important one.
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- #6
It's not her pushing me or not being respectful of my pace, it is me who has this come up and feels the need to regurgitate it like bad salmon. Once again, I just haven't ever been that way. I normally stuff it and deal with it on my own best I can.
I don't get emotional. Ever. Like no crying and really no anger. I know I feel anxiety, lonely, and sad in a way but I can't relate to the emotional aspect of much. I would love to if it made all the rest of this shit go away.
Ugh... I don't like the thought of that not because she isn't worthy or hasn't been completely helpful and trustworthy but I think because it makes me feel shame and weak that I can't pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my shit in one bag. I have been working on some of my stuff via emdr and I swear there are some days where I wish I could just sit in her waiting room all day bc I am so scared of my own shadow. That is insane... Plus, no one else knows so I don't have a good support group bc I don't do well in group type setting or sharing. Lol. I really suck at it honestly. Reality is that I am a pretty competent business person. I own a huge company and do millions of dollars worth of business a year. How can I be reduced to a 5 year old mentality with a thought or memory? It feels crazy.
I DONT depend on my husband. He depends on me but he isn't a nice guy sometimes so I don't share anything with him bc he will use it against me at a later date or tell all of his friends.
I don't like feeling this way. I just have never depended on anyone consistently for support. Even as a young kid, teenager, young adult, adult. I always took care of myself for the most part. It makes me want to quit and run. It's scary.
it is really good you have therapy and you are very active learning about you. I think it is human error to say I never depend on anyone. the mere fact you have therapist is a type of dependence so perhaps a bit of cognition dissonance going on which is also valid until you are ready to get. The lack of emotions or feelings is a feeling.
The best thing you are doing now is dissecting your feelings about dependency so that itself is a feeling. I am sorry your husband is not fully supportive or trustworthy. That must be huge but it does show your strength in the face of adversity.
The best thing you are doing now is dissecting your feelings about dependency so that itself is a feeling. I am sorry your husband is not fully supportive or trustworthy. That must be huge but it does show your strength in the face of adversity.
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- #8
I KNOW! And that in itself is hard for me to accept. I need help. That is EXTREMELY hard for me to stomach. I guess I get lost in the fear of feeling something so I get locked in to focusing on how to evade that. It feels crazy. Lol.
I feel this is when coping mechanisms help. It is OK to realize you are experiencing pain but what are you doing about the pain now that you also know this is what you are signing up?
You cannot quit because you will need another therapist? and you cannot contain this acute pain indefinitely?
so this is when it is acceptable in trauma work to treat the body/mind as if they were your favourite child or niece or nephew. Accept the pain, to gain the peace. Surrendering to a person you hired to help you is OK even if it is painful feeling which needs acknowledgement and space to experience.
BTW, you are not crazy. You are facing something you never faced before so you are risk averse.
You cannot quit because you will need another therapist? and you cannot contain this acute pain indefinitely?
so this is when it is acceptable in trauma work to treat the body/mind as if they were your favourite child or niece or nephew. Accept the pain, to gain the peace. Surrendering to a person you hired to help you is OK even if it is painful feeling which needs acknowledgement and space to experience.
BTW, you are not crazy. You are facing something you never faced before so you are risk averse.
Mach123
VIP Member
I don't feel overly dependent anymore bit otherwise yes with everything. I was in my forties as well.
I became non functional but I'm doing more things now we bought a house, moved and I'm working on it. It's been a giant upheaval.
I also have my wife and our relationship so the therapist is not the only one and she has come along with me sexually which is quite extrodinary. I also have my best friend who is out of state my age and long term married (like me) We do sex counseling with each other idk how else to say that, but it really helps.
With the therapist I get to be unconditionally myself and talk. With my wife I'm sexually myself and we talk almost as much. I actually speak more plainly with my friend than I do with either of them because we are so much alike (meaning nothing else matters to him but sex with his wife either.). : ). It's a real relief to just keep getting it out more and more. Seems that's how it is for me anyway.
I've never done this before ever. Yes it's getting easier as I understand it more and more.
Just being me how I always felt I was but couldn't let myself be like that? It's ok now, not 100%. But it's ok.
I became non functional but I'm doing more things now we bought a house, moved and I'm working on it. It's been a giant upheaval.
I also have my wife and our relationship so the therapist is not the only one and she has come along with me sexually which is quite extrodinary. I also have my best friend who is out of state my age and long term married (like me) We do sex counseling with each other idk how else to say that, but it really helps.
With the therapist I get to be unconditionally myself and talk. With my wife I'm sexually myself and we talk almost as much. I actually speak more plainly with my friend than I do with either of them because we are so much alike (meaning nothing else matters to him but sex with his wife either.). : ). It's a real relief to just keep getting it out more and more. Seems that's how it is for me anyway.
I've never done this before ever. Yes it's getting easier as I understand it more and more.
Just being me how I always felt I was but couldn't let myself be like that? It's ok now, not 100%. But it's ok.
I really am unable to do therapy for the reasons you describe. I tried it, tried to surrender, but unfortunately I think (I'm not certain, but I do think) that the therapist I used is a latent sadist. Therefore my depenancy was bound up in suffering. Since I quit therapy, and faced my own masochism, my entire physical and emotional system has calmed down a lot. Everything you describe I experienced. I very much wish that my desire to have someone to run to to tell about all the flooding of memories would have been met with by a supportive person. Unfortunately, it just wasn't meant to be for me. Perhaps with the right person it would have been ok to be dependant, but with someone who takes enjoyment out of seeing someone suffer and pretending to be kind only to wait until the most vulnerable moment to criticize and tear down it just was not healthy for me at all. I'm curious to hear if any others are able to finish a therapy with a therapist and move from a level of emotional dependance as you move through painful memories, to leaving therapy in a healthy manner. (I'm starting to doubt there is any good to therapy and that it's merely a snake oil treatment)
Mach123
VIP Member
My therapist told me therapists do this. I was dumbfounded. i know it's a real thing though. : (
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