Lots of crying, not much smiling

[b.matt]

Just crying this morning. Everything I see or do has me thinking about the past...asking all of the same old "why" questions - hopeless, empty and rhetorical.

It does not seem like there is a version of my future that resembles the hopes and dreams of the high school kid who got so lost on his way to my adulthood. Days like this, I just feel like I never really got a chance to be young. I'd like nothing more than to go back to my parent's house and be getting up to go to school and learn and grow. To give it a second try. But life does not come with a reset button.

Instead, I'm getting ready to go into a PT appointment because, like the rest of me, my body is old and tired and things aren't working right anymore. The appointment is in the pain clinic, which is Ironic, because there is no physical pain I have felt which even holds a candle to the day after day of these endless waves of grief that come from nowhere and make me want to be dead now instead of having to wait for it to come and get me.

After the appointment I get to go be a janitor. I'm supposed to be thankful that I have a job, but its hard because I feel so defeated. My parents raised me to "use my gifts", but my brain is too tied up to think, and playing music was my job in the Army, so it just brings me back to the same place. I am ashamed every day I put on my uniform.

Well, there. I'm empty again. No more tears left to cry today, and back to numb. I guess this is better, but I'm just waiting for the next tide to come in.

On the other hand, it is a new feeling to be saying this "out loud" and to have hope that someone out there can relate, or maybe even say something back that will help me start down the right path again.

Yikes, well that's how I feel this morning. I am afraid to post this now after reading it. I haven't been this honest with myself in a long time, much less with anyone else who could possibly really understand.

Going to post this before I change my mind. Thank you for reading this.
-Brian

 

[somerandomguy]

Hi Brian,

Your pain and your honesty come through in every word. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I don't have much helpful to say, but I'm here with you, reading along.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thank you for sharing. Hearing you. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs to you if you need them.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

@b.matt . Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to you! I think that all the time, about wanting to “go back” and be me but have parents who could parent.
I have just gotten out of a severe depression and am using that as a kind of springboard to be greatful. I am *trying* all the time to focus on the positive, challenge the cognotive distortions, reach out to people etc. It is exhausting but I dont want to go back into that deep black swamp again.
I have little moments in the day like getting a text from a friend, a smile from my kids or reading your post, where things lift a little in my heart. Then I go back to thinking all the why me stuff and crying too. Having this is Incredibly hard so no wonder we are struggling so much. But there is hope to work on oneself to be better. Im thinking I cant know how far I can get on the future.
Keep being honest.

 

[b.matt]

Thank you all for your kind words. These are tender things, and it helps to have people understand. Its has been a rollercoaster day, and I hope to have time to write about it tomorrow.

Phoenix, a more thorough reply is coming when I have slept. I just wanted to thank you for your honesty & trust, and didn't want to leave you hanging out there after that.

-Brian

 

[b.matt]

@b.matt . Thank you for sharing. I can so relate to you! I think that all the time, about wanting to “go back” and be me but have parents who could parent.
I have just gotten out of a severe depression and am using that as a kind of springboard to be greatful. I am *trying* all the time to focus on the positive, challenge the cognotive distortions, reach out to people etc. It is exhausting but I dont want to go back into that deep black swamp again.
I have little moments in the day like getting a text from a friend, a smile from my kids or reading your post, where things lift a little in my heart. Then I go back to thinking all the why me stuff and crying too. Having this is Incredibly hard so no wonder we are struggling so much. But there is hope to work on oneself to be better. Im thinking I cant know how far I can get on the future.
Keep being honest.

Hi Phoenix,
My T asked me what I wanted, in our very first session. They always do, and I never seem to have an answer for them.

I think I mumbled something about feeling happy for a change and he started writing. After a second he said, "well, I think we all do". Then, spent the rest of the session proving that I had happiness in my life already by having me talk about some happy times. Not something I'd done much of, before, and it was very uncomfortable. I can remember going to all of these happy times but even though I could see myself laughing and smiling in the memories, the more I talked, the more I just wanted to hide.

We picked up right there the next session, and after spending the week processing that I just don't seem to "feel" the happiness when it comes...I told him that. He said we could do some mindfulness work, and that would help me feel more "in the moment". Then he finally asked me, when the last time was that I'd "felt" happy. My brain sort of shut down, and he just got shrugs for the rest of the meeting.

That week, the question ravaged my mind. I had all of these seemingly happy memories but the memories were not happy, they were empty. I recognized that the thoughts were making me feel ashamed; apparently I just need more stimulation to make me happy than I should, or maybe it was just that I was sabotaging myself. Either way, he convinced me that I was just not allowing myself the happiness that was already there...and I bought it. Heck, its probably even true, but doesn't get me any closer to happy and neither did mindfulness.

After a while we revisited the goals, and that day I just blurted out that the only thing I wanted was to be a boy again. Sobbing, with no idea why, I looked up and he was writing again. This time he didn't even look up at me, and said something like "that's pretty common as we get older...to want to have our youth back." Now, if I could stand up to men at all, I would have told him that I feel like I never had my youth in the first place.

This comes back to me today, and I want to thank you so much for helping me to feel valid. For me, this is one of those little moments you wrote about. I'm not going to say I'm happy, but I am certainly less empty. For a while.

If there is one thing I'm learning, it is that the ups and downs of this are going to be one of the most difficult parts. Its like I'm on a glass elevator and I just feel like there is something wonderful at the top, but something so scary at the bottom, and I'm chained in there so all I can do is keep riding. When I get near the top, I am so ashamed and sad that I can't figure out how to get off, and then the elevator just falls and falls. The chains loosen and the doors open to so much pain that I start to panic and just hold on to the chains and hide until the doors close again. Time for another ride.

The elevator is lonely, but I'm at least starting to recognize that I'm not the only one in it.

Neither are you.

Thanks for this,
-Brian

 

[somerandomguy]

Then, spent the rest of the session proving that I had happiness in my life already by having me talk about some happy times.

This time he didn't even look up at me, and said something like "that's pretty common as we get older...to want to have our youth back."

This therapist is shit.

You need a trauma therapist. Someone who will listen to you and help you be a real person. I don't know what's motivating that guy. A paycheck, probably. Certainly not a desire to help you.

 

[Freida]

Yikes, well that's how I feel this morning. I am afraid to post this now after reading it. I haven't been this honest with myself in a long time, much less with anyone else who could possibly really understand.

This was super, super brave of you -- and yes, you have people here who completely understand. :hug:

This therapist is shit.
You need a trauma therapist. Someone who will listen to you and help you be a real person.

Yep --- This

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hi @b.matt.
Thank you for your reply! I wanted to write back last night, but these days I get so exhausted with all the damned self regulation that I’m wasted after 6pm! (V. frustrating).
This reply might come out a bit random, but nevermind. When I was a little girl in the midst of “it all”, words and books became my friends. I wasnt able to connect to people at school- coz I think I was just so f*cked up at home - that I couldnt be me in the slightest. Kind of like if a person were really, really physically ill, then they couldnt smile and be all chatty and social. But I had books and later films. They validated me and took me away sometimes for a bright eyed pause. Breathing space.
Then I got my flipping cpsd and I lost the abiility to read and get that escape.
Last night when I read your post, what you wrote about happiness and the elevator I felt like I had it back again, for a bit.
Luckily I have two kids who make make smile and laugh in the interim of recovery. But there are so many times when I am about to feel happiness and this big void comes instead. I dont get it at all. My husband knows me well enough now not to say “oh wow look at that”, or something. I have to perceive it myself, then I get a tinsy happy feeling thats mine. Otherwise sad nothingness.
And the elevator!! Such a good description. It is exactly(!)where im at too. I am extremely greatful to be out of the crippling depressions that have engulfed me for years. But still these mood swings are just insane.
Have you read any Pete Walker? He is a therapist himself who is also a survivor. His relationship with himself now (as he describes it) is what I think can be at the top of my elevator, as well as maybe making genuine friendships with people out there, besides my husband and kids. But what is this black horror at the bottom??
Its stuff we have already endured. Happenings that are over but we are stuck in them.
I was trying to get into work recently in a cafe, but my ptsd was acting up too much so I have to try something else. So now Im alone all day with me. And everyday the maws of that abyss open up, at the slightest thing. And them im lost in incoherant messy emotions for hours, then come out somehow - ashamed and exhausted.
Therapy can and will help, but I agree with the guys above. Invalidating wrong therapy can be so damaging. I think I have finally found someone who can help after 7 years. I have alot of experience of wrong fits. But I should stop rambling..
By the way I think its great what you said about admitting you want to be a boy again. And if you have trauma, part of the deal is that you cant (yet) stand up for yourself! You recognised it was not respectful of him to say that and that is good enough!
For me its incredibly sad, but I want to be a little girl again, out in the English countryside with my dad. It aint gonna happen (he is an ass) but we have to have dreams. And then we got to figure out a way to get close to an approximation of them.. Never give up!

 

[b.matt]

You need a trauma therapist. Someone who will listen to you and help you be a real person. I don't know what's motivating that guy. A paycheck, probably. Certainly not a desire to help you.

Yep --- This

I wish I could be as convinced as you are. I don't know what I'm waiting for with him. There are so many reasons why I should try to switch, and I cant think of one reason why I should stay which holds any merit after I really analyze it. There is also a huge military dynamic in this decision, involving VA care and a claim process that is taking ME (not them) 7 years now. I am going to post about this in the Military room once I get up the guts.

In here, I can say that I think the biggest problem is that he has not diagnosed me with PTSD, and just wants to keep treating the depression, anxiety, panic, avoidance, negative self image, repressed memories and bipolar emotions, but he does not like to talk about my sexual questions, and I think he has done a few things in therapy with me that were not genuine. He's also huge. And a man. Rambling again.

Point is, maybe he is right. That's the broken record skipping in my head. What if it's not PTSD after all, and he's been right all along? He feels I just have to start working on changing my thinking and probably go back on the SSRI's. Is that the way? I don't know anymore; but I do know that life - and it is cold, confusing and completely devoid of life's ups and downs. I don't want to look back at a fog when I die.

Well, this got a little dark. But that's okay.

I appreciate your encouragement. Keep doing it, I think it's the right move. Its just so hard to move...

Thanks
-Brian

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm sorry you're so stuck, Brian. It sucks.

There are so many reasons why I should try to switch, and I cant think of one reason why I should stay which holds any merit after I really analyze it.

I can't either.

he does not like to talk about my sexual questions

That in and of itself would be a HUGE red flag to me. Not that anyone needs a reason to switch therapists, but that right there is a sign of a truly poor therapist.

I think he has done a few things in therapy with me that were not genuine.

And there's another reason. You're obviously not comfortable with him. You say he's huge, and a man. Both of these things are reasons to switch. You could certainly switch to a small woman, and in fact it sounds like it would really help you.

I assume this is through the VA, so you can't just switch. The VA is terrible, but there are ways to navigate the system. I'll let the veterans in the room comment on this.

He feels I just have to start working on changing my thinking and probably go back on the SSRI's.

So ... I've been exactly there. Before either I or my wife realized that my complete sexual shutdown was trauma-related, we went to see a sex therapist. He told me exactly what your therapist is telling you now, that I just had to change my thinking and get treated for depression.

And here's where it got me: noplace. It didn't help and I was left much worse off than before I started to see that quack.

You need a trauma therapist. A woman trauma therapist. Someone who believes you. Someone who will talk about your sexual issues. In other words, the opposite of what you have now.

 

[b.matt]

Hi @b.matt.
When I was a little girl in the midst of “it all”, words and books became my friends. I wasnt able to connect to people at school- coz I think I was just so f*cked up at home - that I couldnt be me in the slightest. Kind of like if a person were really, really physically ill, then they couldnt smile and be all chatty and social. But I had books and later films. They validated me and took me away sometimes for a bright eyed pause.

YAAAASSSSSS. This. Except for me it was music - but in the way that, per your example, it would have been the writing for you, instead of the reading. I still do it. Music (like a book) is so very emotional. People do pay to read words or listen to songs, they pay to feel. Performing music is thus impossible to do without generating that emotion, and for me there were (and still are) days where the music is the only way I can feel anything.

Then I got my flipping cpsd and I lost the abiility to read and get that escape. Last night when I read your post, what you wrote about happiness and the elevator I felt like I had it back again, for a bit.

I need to learn more about CPTSD. My therapist has never mentioned it, but already 3 people on here have told me to look into it.

But what is this black horror at the bottom??
Its stuff we have already endured. Happenings that are over but we are stuck in them.

Wow, nail on head. May I include this then, in the elevator analogy? The darkness is the thoughts and memories that create the negative feelings. For us, they are locked up down there in the past but we need to get off the elevator and face them so that the chains will be loose enough to get off a little higher up the next time. Easier said than done.

For me its incredibly sad, but I want to be a little girl again, out in the English countryside with my dad. It aint gonna happen (he is an ass) but we have to have dreams. And then we got to figure out a way to get close to an approximation of them.. Never give up!

I'm sorry about your dad, and want to thank you for being brave and saying this. Each time we make the little connections in here, each time we find those similarities which validate our feelings, we grow. Slowly, but it's there.

Thanks
-Brian