Settling on a Career Without Feeling “Trapped”

[Kubash16]

Been doing a lot of processing lately and it’s led to a realization.

I’ve never been able to settle on what I want to do with my life. I’ve never had a singular passion last for more than a few months. Never really understood why I couldn’t just settle for something, anything.

So I would try to force myself to. I would force myself into a track for a career (various ones over time) that I felt like I could at least tolerate or build a passion for eventually.

Obviously none of that has worked. Through the thinking I’ve been doing it finally clicked why I can’t settle.

When I pick something and start working towards it I begin to feel trapped. The feeling of being trapped in any capacity is a huge trigger for me. I have to escape. So I start skipping classes, sabotaging myself in any subtle way I can and making excuses on why I can never do x, y, or z.

I’ve never found anything that doesn’t make me feel like that. Maybe there is something out there but I’m getting too old to take that chance and need to come up with some kind of direction for myself.

Has anyone else ever felt like this and if so, how did you work through it?

 

[Teasel]

Has anyone else ever felt like this and if so, how did you work through it?

Yes absolutely. Cant say I've worked through it yet. But I was happiest in a job that was very varied from day to day. And i probably have the problem of feeling trapped most when doing something that is marked - as in education.

Can you begin to think what sort of jobs have felt most and least problematic?

 

[Friday]

It’s never really occurred to me that one has to pick a thing and stick with it forever, to the exclusion of all other things. I understand some people do, but that’s always just been sort of fascinating to me, in the same way that some kinds of circus acts are fascinating. Wow. Look at them! That’s weird. Cool, but weird. I don’t think I could ever do that.

I grew up amongst extremely diverse people, though.

The military side of my family may seem the most stable, in that regard, but career military rarely stay in one job for 30 or 40 years. Instead they enlist and are trained in A, cross train in B, compete for C, rise to D, go to University and get degrees in E & F, become an officer in G, rise to H, compete for I, retire in J, do XYZ in “retirement”. <<< And that’s just at a base level. What’s “normal”. Get a group of these men and women together? One has an absolute kaliedoscope of history and experience to revel in. Add in foreign personnel? Civilian contractors? Diplomats, scientists, engineers... all with their own rich and varied histories sitting around the dinner table arguing the finer points of god only knows...

They sciency side of my family? If anything is even worse.
- Surgeon/Bike Mechanic-ShopOwner/Bookkeeper/Farmer.
- Astrophysisict/Adventure gear manufacturer
- NASA Engineer/Concert Pianist/Chinese Translator
- Lawyer/Diplomat/AidWorker/FilmProducer/Dance Instructor
- Microbiologist/ArtCollector/Children’sBookWriter
- Chemical Engineer/ProHockey/Trumpet

^^^This is only a small handful, there are roughly 40 people in my extended family, and they all have wildly different (and often concurrent) careers. I’m leaving out the jobby-job’s they did in school, or to make rent whilst establishing themselves, or just for fun because a summer doing this, or a year doing that sounded like fun (let’s be a cook on a ship heading to antarctica! Be paid to go 6 times, instead of paying to go once? Rubbing elbows with the most brilliant minds in their fields, in their PJs over breakfast? I can cook! Sold!) as well as leaving out hobbies, although some of these gigs started out as hobbies, once they start paying -and paying well enough to live off of solo- I think they’ve surpassed “hobby”.

Like I said, this never struck me as odd, since both the military and sciency sides of my family are quite social. So all the other people with rich and varied lives normalized the whole “renaissance man” thing :rolleyes: (I still think that’s a bizarre concept, the “do one thing” is normal and “Renaissance” thing isn’t? Helloooo... how many millions have served in the military doing A-Z, retiring and then doing 123?). More than anything -outside of the military- that was possibly a birds of a feather flock together sort of deal. Interesting people inviting other interesting people for dinner. But my personal theory is that the oversimolification that TV does (this character does this, that character that) has given a very 1 dimensional view of people’s lives as being “normal”. But I don’t really know. Because normal is so damn subjective, and whatever we decide it is.

Point being? “Do one thing” can suck it.

 

[Kubash16]

Yes absolutely. Cant say I've worked through it yet. But I was happiest in a job that was very varied from day to day. And i probably have the problem of feeling trapped most when doing something that is marked - as in education.

Can you begin to think what sort of jobs have felt most and least problematic?

Most problematic have been jobs that are super structured. As well as jobs where you are in the same spot (especially without windows) doing the same thing over and over. I also absolutely hate working with customers. I am not a people person lol.

Least problematic- the zoo and the daycare. At the zoo, it was a humdrum job but I was outside and was able to be around the animals. Only operated the carousel and the train so I didn’t get to interact with animals but it was still good. The only reason I didn’t stay there is it caused a ton of problems with my ex husband. The daycare I taught 3-4 year old preschool. Which was a freaking blast. But you only make minimum wage, have terrible hours, and the parents and fellow teachers/directors are nightmares to be around.

 

[Kubash16]

It’s never really occurred to me that one has to pick a thing and stick with it forever, to the exclusion of all other things. I understand some people do, but that’s always just been sort of fascinating to me, in the same way that some kinds of circus acts are fascinating. Wow. Look at them! That’s weird. Cool, but weird. I don’t think I could ever do that.

I grew up amongst extremely diverse people, though.

The military side of my family may seem the most stable, in that regard, but career military rarely stay in one job for 30 or 40 years. Instead they enlist and are trained in A, cross train in B, compete for C, rise to D, go to University and get degrees in E & F, become an officer in G, rise to H, compete for I, retire in J, do XYZ in “retirement”. <<< And that’s just at a base level. What’s “normal”. Get a group of these men and women together? One has an absolute kaliedoscope of history and experience to revel in. Add in foreign personnel? Civilian contractors? Diplomats, scientists, engineers... all with their own rich and varied histories sitting around the dinner table arguing the finer points of god only knows...

They sciency side of my family? If anything is even worse.
- Surgeon/Bike Mechanic-ShopOwner/Bookkeeper/Farmer.
- Astrophysisict/Adventure gear manufacturer
- NASA Engineer/Concert Pianist/Chinese Translator
- Lawyer/Diplomat/AidWorker/FilmProducer/Dance Instructor
- Microbiologist/ArtCollector/Children’sBookWriter
- Chemical Engineer/ProHockey/Trumpet

^^^This is only a small handful, there are roughly 40 people in my extended family, and they all have wildly different (and often concurrent) careers. I’m leaving out the jobby-job’s they did in school, or to make rent whilst establishing themselves, or just for fun because a summer doing this, or a year doing that sounded like fun (let’s be a cook on a ship heading to antarctica! Be paid to go 6 times, instead of paying to go once? Rubbing elbows with the most brilliant minds in their fields, in their PJs over breakfast? I can cook! Sold!) as well as leaving out hobbies, although some of these gigs started out as hobbies, once they start paying -and paying well enough to live off of solo- I think they’ve surpassed “hobby”.

Like I said, this never struck me as odd, since both the military and sciency sides of my family are quite social. So all the other people with rich and varied lives normalized the whole “renaissance man” thing :rolleyes: (I still think that’s a bizarre concept, the “do one thing” is normal and “Renaissance” thing isn’t? Helloooo... how many millions have served in the military doing A-Z, retiring and then doing 123?). More than anything -outside of the military- that was possibly a birds of a feather flock together sort of deal. Interesting people inviting other interesting people for dinner. But my personal theory is that the oversimolification that TV does (this character does this, that character that) has given a very 1 dimensional view of people’s lives as being “normal”. But I don’t really know. Because normal is so damn subjective, and whatever we decide it is.

Point being? “Do one thing” can suck it.

I suppose you are very right. I’ve always felt like a failure for not being able to do just one thing. But then I look around and a lot of people I know that are doing just one thing are pretty miserable in it.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I suppose you are very right. I’ve always felt like a failure for not being able to do just one thing. But then I look around and a lot of people I know that are doing just one thing are pretty miserable in it.

Yes I agree variety is the spice of life. But I have had and still do have your problem. Being in a job feels like a trap and I have a strong history of self-sabotage for just about every job I've ever had. It's pretty hard to deal with. I'm trying now to find gigs that are very low-commitment and low-people interaction until I can build up to that. I don't think I could jump right into a full-blown offline, full-time job right now. It would probably be too much.

 

[Friday]

Being in a job feels like a trap and I have a strong history of self-sabotage for just about every job I've ever had.

For a few years I used to walk away from jobs, not because they were bad jobs, or I had a better opportunity on the horizon, and not even because they were “burner jobs” (jobs I worked with the expectation of being fired from or f*cking up -not in a field I cared about building a reputation in!- as I relearned how to work, balance life, manage symptoms, etc.) ... but just because I revelled in the freedom of being able to do so.

I’m sure some people would look at either burner jobs or walking away as self sabotage.

“My” field... aren’t the kind of jobs you can be fired from, much less walk away from on a whim. Sometimes it’s physically impossible to (hundreds of miles out to sea, 10,000 feet in the air, or in a country in conflict); other times one could, but you’d be shot for the attempt if caught, and if you managed to survive would spend the rest of your life as a fugitive. So it’s a very different mental paradigm to begin with... and add in the fact that I spent some time in captivity where IF you’re working, it’s under armed guard, and often under... not good... conditions.

>>> Meant my head was pretty f*cked in a few different ways when I rejoined the whole first world at will employment thing. I had to prove
- I could just walk out mid shift (and not get shot),
- I could no-call/no-show and wouldn’t have my home broken into and be drug out of bed by my hair, beaten/raped/forced to watch whilst my “team” were also punished, and often worse than I was.
- I could take another job without the stain of past mistakes coloring this one
- I could survive without the things I was “told” I needed to do, and experience different kinds of consequences for up & leaving with no notice or on short notice (including not just the whole rent/healthcare/etc. but reactions that included things I’d never imagined like people being sorry to see me go? And a standing offer to return??? :eek: the f*ck? I’m screwing you over and you want me back? What?)
- And a whole lot of other big/small lessons

I had to prove to myself I wasn’t trapped.

((For the record, I also did this with sex. Would just randomly stop -in a lot of different ways- for no reason other than to prove I could, and to experience a variety of reactions from my partners, in order to shape my own understanding.))

So, one way of looking at that process of walking away from &/or being fired is self-sabotage & failure.

Another way is in Vivo therapy. Creating the foundation I would need to be able to succeed once I was squared away & ready to.

Running for your life and running a marathon are 2 vastly different things. I’d gotten so used to running for my life, I had to learn to run a different way, first. Because you can’t run a marathon like you’re running for your life. It would kill you. Different skills and beliefs have to be acquired, practiced, and mastered.

Skills = burner jobs
Beliefs = a whole lot of what looked like self sabotage and wasn’t
(if running? Flat out! No. If running, flat out! No. If running... If I’m here, I have to be. No. If I’m here terrible things will happen if I leave. No. If I’m here I don’t have any choices. No. If I’m here I can be treated however others decide to treat me. No. If I’m here I’m trapped. No.)

 

[Kubash16]

For a few years I used to walk away from jobs, not because they were bad jobs, or I had a better opportunity on the horizon, and not even because they were “burner jobs” (jobs I worked with the expectation of being fired from or f*cking up -not in a field I cared about building a reputation in!- as I relearned how to work, balance life, manage symptoms, etc.) ... but just because I revelled in the freedom of being able to do so.

I’m sure some people would look at either burner jobs or walking away as self sabotage.

“My” field... aren’t the kind of jobs you can be fired from, much less walk away from on a whim. Sometimes it’s physically impossible to (hundreds of miles out to sea, 10,000 feet in the air, or in a country in conflict); other times one could, but you’d be shot for the attempt if caught, and if you managed to survive would spend the rest of your life as a fugitive. So it’s a very different mental paradigm to begin with... and add in the fact that I spent some time in captivity where IF you’re working, it’s under armed guard, and often under... not good... conditions.

>>> Meant my head was pretty f*cked in a few different ways when I rejoined the whole first world at will employment thing. I had to prove
- I could just walk out mid shift (and not get shot),
- I could no-call/no-show and wouldn’t have my home broken into and be drug out of bed by my hair, beaten/raped/forced to watch whilst my “team” were also punished, and often worse than I was.
- I could take another job without the stain of past mistakes coloring this one
- I could survive without the things I was “told” I needed to do, and experience different kinds of consequences for up & leaving with no notice or on short notice (including not just the whole rent/healthcare/etc. but reactions that included things I’d never imagined like people being sorry to see me go? And a standing offer to return??? :eek: the f*ck? I’m screwing you over and you want me back? What?)
- And a whole lot of other big/small lessons

I had to prove to myself I wasn’t trapped.

((For the record, I also did this with sex. Would just randomly stop -in a lot of different ways- for no reason other than to prove I could, and to experience a variety of reactions from my partners, in order to shape my own understanding.))

So, one way of looking at that process of walking away from &/or being fired is self-sabotage & failure.

Another way is in Vivo therapy. Creating the foundation I would need to be able to succeed once I was squared away & ready to.

Running for your life and running a marathon are 2 vastly different things. I’d gotten so used to running for my life, I had to learn to run a different way, first. Because you can’t run a marathon like you’re running for your life. It would kill you. Different skills and beliefs have to be acquired, practiced, and mastered.

Skills = burner jobs
Beliefs = a whole lot of what looked like self sabotage and wasn’t
(if running? Flat out! No. If running, flat out! No. If running... If I’m here, I have to be. No. If I’m here terrible things will happen if I leave. No. If I’m here I don’t have any choices. No. If I’m here I can be treated however others decide to treat me. No. If I’m here I’m trapped. No.)

Sorry it’s taken me so long to reply. I wanted to think this through some more, because I really, really connected to what you’re saying about needing to “prove” things.

I had zero control growing up, and things were very f*cked up and I had no say in anything, ever. That continued into my teens, and then in my marriage as well. I had some control (probably more then I thought I did honestly) but I didn’t feel like I did.

Since I began working and going to college I do great at first, love learning new things. But at some point things settle. Then that trapped feeling starts eating at me until it’s all I hear. I cannot stand that feeling, so I take control. I walk out, don’t ever show up again, or whatever. Then there’s this massive sense of sheer freedom. It’s pure heaven. I got out of being trapped. I took control and chose something for myself. Never mind that doing that had kept me broke.

Somebody in another thread mentioned journalism. I may look into that. It’s not a huge field and most likely will need to freelance heavily because I doubt there are many established jobs anymore. But it’s something different to learn all the time. I’m currently studying anthropology in the hopes I can find something where I need to travel. I think I can tie the two together and *fingers and toes crossed* not feel so trapped. Plus freelancing occasionally gives me the opportunity to still work “normal” jobs that interest me. So I can learn them. Then walk out lol.

 

[Friday]

So I can learn them. Then walk out lol.

That’s brilliant, by the by.

 

[Cielo77]

Been doing a lot of processing lately and it’s led to a realization.

I’ve never been able to settle on what I want to do with my life. I’ve never had a singular passion last for more than a few months. Never really understood why I couldn’t just settle for something, anything.

So I would try to force myself to. I would force myself into a track for a career (various ones over time) that I felt like I could at least tolerate or build a passion for eventually.

Obviously none of that has worked. Through the thinking I’ve been doing it finally clicked why I can’t settle.

When I pick something and start working towards it I begin to feel trapped. The feeling of being trapped in any capacity is a huge trigger for me. I have to escape. So I start skipping classes, sabotaging myself in any subtle way I can and making excuses on why I can never do x, y, or z.

I’ve never found anything that doesn’t make me feel like that. Maybe there is something out there but I’m getting too old to take that chance and need to come up with some kind of direction for myself.

Has anyone else ever felt like this and if so, how did you work through it?

Hi Kubash16. Its ok that you feel that way.... really. I say this because you are finding out who you are. Its a process and sometimes it takes a while. Try not to be so hard on yourself and believe more of who you are inside. Here is a suggestion. How about thinking of what you like to do now. now, not what you want to learn about but what you enjoy doing. crafts, reading, music, sports, customer service, etc. then build off of those positive traits that you have been born with. think of something that has a variety of duties and not mundane daily. hope this provides some hope. I believe in you. hugs :)