How Often Do You Visit or Call Your Mother

[scout86]

My mother is dead and I can assure you that you won't necessarily miss your mother when she's gone. You might, but you quite possibly might not. All I felt was a certain amount of relief, along with a little guilt because all I felt was relieved.

After I left her house, I called once a week. Her idea. For awhile, my parents called once a week, at a set day & time. I considered it "the mandatory phone call". Because it HAD to take place, whether there was anything to talk about or not, whether I had other plans or not. As far as I'm concerned, it was a control thing on her part and that's all it was. Eventually, she had a stroke & my dad ended up in a nursing home. For awhile I called daily, because she didn't like being alone, and I wanted to "do the right thing". The way it worked, she didn't appreciate that, she got to where she expected it because it was what SHE wanted. After I started therapy, and began to understand that she had some issues and this relationship wasn't particularly healthy, I went back to calling weekly. When I told her I was doing that, she cried. But, I really and truly don't think that had anything to do with her feelings about me. It was because she wasn't getting her way.

My T tells me he thinks she probably had narcissistic personality disorder. Not just that she was overly self absorbed, but that she probably met the diagnostic criteria, except for the part where the person is supposed to sort of notice there's a problem and it might be them. (One reason NPD isn't actually diagnoses very often is these people, by definition, don't think THEY have a problem.) He's referred to her as "a passive-aggressive narcissist". That's as opposed to my brother, who he says is "just an aggressive one". LOL

Since I realized that the relationship with my mother was kind of messed up, and it wasn't just me, I've spent some time studying "apparently normal mother-child relationships". Some children are actually attached to their parents, even as adults. And the parents are attached to their children in a way that appreciates the child (even as an adult) for the unique person they are. They actually enjoy checking in with each other and it goes both ways, out of free will. I suspect that's not exactly what you're dealing with.

I guess I should add, I'm not sure that NPD was my mother's only mental health issue. When I finally realized she wasn't exactly "normal" I said to my T, "I think I've figured this out. If my mother were actually to avail herself of the services of someone in your profession, she'd probably get a label other than 'normal', wouldn't she?" He replied with "Several." She had some traits that I now recognize as sort of "borderlineish". She was never, officially, diagnosed, because, as far as she was concerned, SHE didn't have any problems except the ones that were someone else's fault. Possibly a nice way to live, but not so great to live WITH.

 

[Freida]

@Freida would you mind sharing if she ever called you, or reached out to you or if you didn't call her would she ever call you? Whether she needed anything or justed wanted to talk to you for no reason?

It really started when I was still in middle school. Mom and dad both worked so when my brother and I got home from school I would call her to tell her we were home and what we were up to. So when I moved out we just kind of kept it up. When I first left home (before cell phones cause oh ya I'm that old) we talked each Sunday. Sometimes I called, sometimes she did. And I guess that's really how its gone ever since. I don't think we would go more than a couple days without talking...... she usually called me but if I didn't hear from her I'd call. No reason usually - just touching base. Sometimes we talked for a couple minutes, sometimes a couple hours. It all depended on what was going on around us

Sorry to be so vague but I've never really thought about it :laugh:

 

[EveHarrington]

Parental relationships can be quite complicated.

My difficult relationship is with my dad.

My mom supports severing ties with him as he has been very toxic over the last two years.

However, I know that when he dies I’ll go into thermonuclear meltdown. I most likely won’t even go to the funeral. (I’d probably start wailing on da new ho as she destroyed my family.)

A bit different from you, but I just want to say that it isn’t easy, and it may never get better.....but that’s ok. At the end of the day I know I did everything I could to improve the relationship and it just wasn’t meant to be. I now focus on the people who love me and show me love through their actions.

:hug:

 

[Mach123]

This is hard and totally individual IOM. My son in the military never stays in touch and that pisses me off but he's just like his mother so why think about it?

I hated my mother (and loved her of course) but I would have kept her from my life completely without my wife intervening. Add that in.

My parents and my wife's divorced later in life.

My wife's father didn't bother coming to our wedding which didn't bother my wife.

My wife was home with her mother at 33 when I met her.

Our parents are gone. What's normal?

 

[Sandstone]

I see my mother as little as possible. People who push for more contact usually have no idea how much harm parents can do.

 

[Muttly]

I had a similar situation as @scout86 So yes, my mother called me but it felt suffocating and if I wasn't there or didn't call back immediately I would get the guilt trip. Really, the expectation was that I call her first.

I know my best friend and her mom don't talk often. Her mom will call if she is planning to visit. She travels and they live in different states now, so if her mom is in my bestie's state she will visit. When they lived in the same state, I don't remember her calling. I don't think that's a generational thing. Her mom is just not a great person at communication. Interestingly enough, I have come to accept that I have to be the one to call my bestie. I've come to accept that. She's apparently like her mom. I suspect the big difference from what you is the guilt trips and sense of entitlement from the person not making the calls.

Years ago, I made a very similar post to yours (different forum). I got a variety of answers and it helped some but still didn't resolve my internal conflict. What I was really asking, at it's core, is am I allowed to do what is right for me. I didn't get it fully sorted before she died but I had made a big step in realizing that no matter what I did, it wasn't going to be good enough for her. Her issue wasn't about my actions or lack of actions, it was about her own emotional problems that she needed to resolve.

 

[hithere]

Sometimes I called, sometimes she did.

Thank you so much. This is actually very helpful for me! I don't know why I feel some sort of "relief" that there are mothers out there (besides me) who call their adult children. It's nice you "never had to think about it." I think that indicates some health and give and take and some understanding in the relationship. Thank you!

is am I allowed to do what is right for me.

I can't quite get myself to this position. I do believe you have expressed what the internal conflict is for me. It is a conflict and it causes me anxiety. On top of it, my religion has honoring parents as a top 10 law. But I really think I am learning what that really means, and I don't think it means what I think it means... haha. But thank you, because, yes I think that is what is going on with me. I don't want to spend time with her. She is no longer commiting any "crimes" and she is probably a wonderful person. But I obviously haven't forgiven her, and I don't know at this point if I ever will. I have made the "choice" to forgive her, but I sure have zero warm fuzzies involved, and won't allow myself to have any toward her. I think I am trying to find out if that's OK to not allow myself to have an open hearted position toward her.

 

[Changing4Best]

When my mom was alive, we spoke every other day by phone. That is, except the last 6 months or so of her life, when she was having trouble breathing and on oxygen. We would meet half way between where we lived sometimes, a 2 hours drive for each of us. We would visit for a weekend. Then sometimes I would go the 4 hours to her house or she to mine. (Dad and her together or my hubby and I together, that is).

Even way before caller ID, I used to know when it was her calling. I'd answer the phone and say, "Hi mom!" and she would always ask, "How did you know it was me." And I would answer, "You just have that special way of ringing my phone." And then we would chat for a half hour, or twenty minutes, just catching up on all the latest.

 

[hithere]

When my mom was alive, we spoke every other day by phone. That is, except the last 6 months or so of her life, when she was having trouble breathing and on oxygen. We would meet half way between where we lived sometimes, a 2 hours drive for each of us. We would visit for a weekend. Then sometimes I would go the 4 hours to her house or she to mine. (Dad and her together or my hubby and I together, that is).

Even way before caller ID, I used to know when it was her calling. I'd answer the phone and say, "Hi mom!" and she would always ask, "How did you know it was me." And I would answer, "You just have that special way of ringing my phone." And then we would chat for a half hour, or twenty minutes, just catching up on all the latest.

Wow. You must miss her. I can't even imagine this type of relationship. I would have to do some serious forgiving or something. Thank you so much for sharing this. What a wonderful relationship you had with your mom.

 

[Justmehere]

Times my mother has initiated contact with me: can’t recall any... ever...

Times we visit? Twice a year. In safe spaces.

Contact with my father? Zero in the past few years. Visits? We are averaging 1 vist per decade. He dotes on my brother and had almost daily contact with him.

My family is super dysfunctional.

Which is why comparing yourself to others is going to have very limited value.

My geandparents generation? My mother ironically really struggled with the reality they never initiated contact, and yet does the same thing. She one day told me though that she was starting to understand many people do what they experienced. It’s not intentionally harmful, they just don’t really know and never experienced the same.

You have to deal with passive aggressive guilt trips and shrugging off all that guilt that isn’t yours.

She’s unlikely to change. You could try telling her if she wants contact she needs to dial you, but I’m guessing you’ve tried that.

So instead, hold a boundary. When she goes into guilt trip mode, you could let her know you won’t continue the call if she’s going to guilt trip you for not calling her more. And then do it. End the call. She’ll either get it, or she won’t, but you’ll have less exposure to the guilt trips.

It makes tons of sense to me why this hurts and upsets you. It drives me up the wall too.

You are not doing anything wrong, in fact, you have broken the cycle with your kids and have a healthier relationship with them despite a poor example by your mother.

Well done.

 

[Changing4Best]

Wow. You must miss her. I can't even imagine this type of relationship. I would have to do some serious forgiving or something. Thank you so much for sharing this. What a wonderful relationship you had with your mom.

You are welcome. I had a great relationship with her since I was very young. She did have a time when she was in psychosis when she tried to harm me, but something stopped her, she could not do it. She came to her senses just in time, thank goodness! Not long after that, they put her on some meds to keep her from having psychosis, so after that she was the best mom ever, and yes, I miss her a lot, love her forever.

 

[ms spock]

Never