Tight Clothing

[Overcoming]

Tight Clothing, or clothes that accentuate my figure stress me out so bad. I have the revealing feeling and the constriction. Body image issues abound, but my deep seated loathing for these things seems intensified by my history, having been sexually assaulted several times. I feel like power is taken away when people can see "too much" of me. Uggggghhh... The latest has been a women's cut t-shirt purchased for me to wear for an event. I feel so guilty hating it, but I do. The logo on the front is great, but putting it on makes me feel anxious and furious at the feeling of exposure. In private, I stretched the shirt out in an impulsive fury while trying it on to make it feel less revealing and that only left me feeling guilty that I was "destroying" a gift. What bothers me too is that this person is aware that I don't like women's cut shirts and feel uncomfortable. Now I sound ungrateful. ? I checked online and the top came in a men's size with the identical price and colors, so it wasn't an "only available cut decision." Why do I feel so guilty about this when I've made it known how I feel on several occasions? The gifter is my spouse BTW. It is a similar feeling to the sickness I'd get when my mother purchased me clothes I was uncomfortable in. She always reminded me that money was short, so when it happened, I felt awful with myself for being so uncomfortable with the clothes. I'm probably rambling now. I hope I don't sound like a jerk.

 

[EveHarrington]

What bothers me too is that this person is aware that I don't like women's cut shirts and feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps part of the issue is that someone so close to you, someone who would hopefully understand you the most, completely dropped the ball on this one....?

Was it an oversight?

Does your spouse not understand just how much clothing can distress you?

I hope I don't sound like a jerk.

No, you aren’t being a jerk in the least.


I have clothing issues galore. Mine aren’t related to exposure issues, rather I have sensory issues. It’s crazy how I need clothes to feel exactly right, not too loose, not too tight. What fits perfectly one day will be too tight the next day. Textures are a big issue, too, as well as temperature regulation.

In other words, I get it. I understand how the wrong kind of clothing can cause great distress.

Have you tried explaining to your partner just how distressing clothing can be to you? I mean in depth? My guy knows about my clothing issues as he’s seen me change over and over. He’s seen me rip half of my closet apart looking for something that fits just right. So, he does indeed get it. Part of his understanding may be due to the fact that he’s seen the behavior that accompanies my internal distress. I think sometimes it doesn’t register how upset we are internally unless there is an outward behavior.

 

[Friday]

On the relationship side of things... try turning it into a game, rather than hiding it or <hurt/crushed/disappointed/irritated/infuriated> (my own personal little rollercoaster, feel free to insert your own ;))

The game I usually play ... How fast can I turn the “terrible thing” ( :sick: held by 2 fingers an arms length away) into something exciting to be happy about? :woot:

Sweet! This will go perfect over my long sleeved white shirt! :D Thankyoubabyyourethebest // Hehehe ... this Is just the excuse I’ve been waiting for to buy a long sleeve black shirt! :sneaky: 2 presents for the price of one! Wholovesyababe? // Yes!!! I can wear this under my red leather jacket and not be too hot this time! Smartthinkingbabe :x3:

^^^
I do this for a few reasons...
- I don’t like hurting people’s feelings, and this way I’m still happy & excited for the gift they gave me (so in theory, they’re happy, and if not? It’s not my fault!... Hey! I was thrilled, you’re the one getting all grumpy and control freak, what gives?)
- It trains me to think creatively about my own problems, especially PTSD problems which can very quickly seem like the end of the world, and that needs to be beaten back with a stick!)
- It trains other people to either listen if they want to get me things I’m not going to be altering to suit myself, or be upfront about why they want me in XYZ ...which loops right back around to their chance to listen as to why I don’t wear XYZ.

***

On the anxiety side of things...

1) the above piece about thinking creatively? Turning things into games? Coupled with finding something funny / on the bright side / any way I can be happy instead of miserable when given a choice (or even just the ability to find a choice instead of a locked in stone 100% reaction)? Invaluable tools.

2) The other piece, of course, is the whole exposure therapy (or distress tolerance, etc.) thing(s).

:wtf: At least in the beginning it’s always :wtf:

When I find something that causes a bigbadjuju reaction? It goes on TheList. Of things I have to start deliberately bringing into my life in various ways to start chipping away at. Until I couldn’t care less. And it gets struck from TheList. <<< But that sucker is not short, and things I have solid work arounds with that don’t cause me problems? Like dressing modestly? Are going to be fairly far down, meanwhile things that I don’t have work arounds for, annoy the crap out of me, or cause problems (big, middling, smallish) are much higher up on it. Now, if my workaround IS causing me problems? Like it’s summer and I’m somewhere between sweating balls & heatstroke? Or my idea of modest means dressing so hideously people point and stare, or I can’t find work, etc.? Yep. It will be a lot higher. TheList is a fluid creature, of shit I have to sort.

 

[Nessa7]

If you bought your husband a shirt that was too tight for him to be comfortable in, what would you expect him to do about it? It's reasonable that you are being reminded of your experiences with your mother, but it doesn't seem like she had a good response to you not liking the clothes she purchased you. It doesn't make much sense to me to buy clothes that someone doesn't like if money is limited instead of using that money to get items that will be useful for them.

Is it possible to exchange the shirt for a different size? Or to order the shirt in the cut that you want and give the one your husband gave you to someone else?

 

[Overcoming]

Thank you all for the support. I voiced my concerns to him and had to push through the feeling of guilt. I have established that I appreciate thoughtfulness, but he knows that is something I am not comfortable. What I was struggling with the most was the guilt of not liking a gift, setting my boundary, and the shame I feel surrounding my body. I don't like feeling vulnerable and essentially "naked." I'm not a small girl and I feel like a sausage stuffed in a casing when wearing that material/cut. He took the shirt back but wouldn't tell me his plan with it. I didn't bother mentioning that I stretched the HELL out of it. I felt guilty about that too. In hindsight...I don't have to wear what I am uncomfortable with and he must be okay with that. Thanks for the love guys. <3

 

[EveHarrington]

.I don't have to wear what I am uncomfortable with and he must be okay with that.

Yes, very true!

It’s your body, and you have a right to dictate what you will and will not wear.

My guy really wants to see me in a dress, but just trying them on sends me into meltdowns. Suffice to say, I refuse to wear dresses....even as a young child I hated them. He saw my sensory issues list that mentioned how wearing a dress to my own wedding would be a major sticking point. (MAJOR!)....I didn’t mean for him to see that part. Even when I told my therapist about it she asked if I could just wear shorts underneath. Uhm no. But, I will wear skirts. Wrap your head around that one! (I can’t figure it out.)