Fantasies about falling out with my therapist

[scout86]

Did you send it??

Well, yeah, actually I did. LOL I ended the email by telling him, if he wad reading it, I was somewhere, convinced I'd made a huge mistake. I actually told him I'd be thinking, "What have you done?!" He replied to me and began his rather long email with, "So....Scout, what have you done?" I, apprehensively, opened the email, read that line, panicked, closed email, and had to regroup before I could read it. (I need the old "eye rolling" emoticon!) I'm still trying to sort out his reply, but least it seems he's not upset.

It helps a little if you're the sort of person who enjoys carnival rides, doesn't it?

 

[NightSky]

@barefoot i can’t remember if we’ve talked about this but have you read much about avoidant attachment?

 

[barefoot]

@scout86 Well done for sending it :-) Most times I’ve emailed my T (about important stuff ie not just logistical things) I have sat frozen in fear, telling myself I never should have sent it and waiting for the sky to fall in. Always surprises me that the world doesn’t end the moment I press send!

Fairground rides...yeah...no...not a fan...wish I was! :-)

@NightSky - I’ve read a little bit about attachment styles online but not much.

A couple of years ago probably, I got a sheet of flip chart paper and brainstormed things I was freaking out about about my T. I was finding it all so stressful and exhausting and confusing and the thought of telling her about it was so mortifying and scary but I think I reached a point where, unbearable though the thought of telling her was, going around holding in all these confusing and intense feelings had also become unbearable.

So, I did this mind map and took it to my next session (I was so anxious about it, I distinctly remember deliberately getting into town early, going to a pub and chugging two glasses of wine before my session!)

After quite a while, I finally got the sheet out and showed her. And I’d included things like: I either felt really piney towards her or I felt angry with her and completely disconnected and I didn’t want to feel either...I wanted to feel something inbetween, just neutral...I didn’t really want to feel anything towards her...definitely nothing intense...but that I couldn’t seem to find a balance, a middle ground...it was both these two quite extreme feelings towards her...

And I remember her quietly taking in everything on the sheet and she finally said she thought everything on there was really about attachment. And that what we needed to do was to create a secure attachment.

And I said something like, oh, is this about attachment theory, which I’d vaguely heard of. And I’d said that I could go and read up on it.

And she asked me to please not go and read up on it.

I like reading up on stuff! But I think she is often hesitant to label things with me as she thinks I’ll get obsessed with the research and that I’ll then find a way to use the information to beat myself up about how I’m doing/my process etc. And I think she’d rather we just discuss things as they come up and emerge naturally rather than because I’ve just read s book and am then like ‘so, is it this and what do I do about it?!’

And we haven’t really explicitly talked about it since. And, amazingly, I did do ‘as I was told’ and refrained from looking loads up about it!

Reckon I could look st some things now and don’t think I would get onsessed. Is there any particular resource you’d recommend or just do a general internet search?

Do you think it would help in some way to bring it up with her?

Do you discuss this sort of stuff (attachment styles etc) with your T and, if so, what do you find it helps you with?

 

[Skywatcher]

Researching attachment styles would probably help you. I have done a lot of research on anxious attachment and abandonment. This began during a huge rupture with my T. We have been steadily repairing it. I’m actually taking a free online seminar that was suggested to me this week. It has been so helpful. Especially the stuff after day 1.
Join Us For The Breaking Free From Abandonment & Betrayal Online Conference!

 

[Skywatcher]

Also, I think that your current situation with your T may be related to avoidance. Your T wants you to go deeper in the work and that is terrifying.

 

[Friday]

I like reading up on stuff! But I think she is often hesitant to label things with me as she thinks I’ll get obsessed with the research and that I’ll then find a way to use the information to beat myself up about how I’m doing/my process etc.

Plus there is a metric ton of bullshit out there. So not only would you be beating yourself up, but with a poo covered stick that is completely unrelated to the issue at hand. (Might as well beat yourself up with a citrusy smelling stick about oranges, or any other random topic that is completely unrelated to attachment, at least it would smell better ;)).

Some things are just like googling medical conditions (and noooow you have cancer. :rolleyes: Again. Third time this week! Dr.Google wants me to die! :eek: ). Attachment issues are one of those things. But in order to tell what’s cowplop and what’s not? First you’d need to really understand the theory itself, and different applications of it.

I’m not saying you can’t. You’re smart. You undoubtedly could. Just seems to make more sense, since you already know you’re going to use it as a weapon against yourself, rather than spending a few hundred on textbooks & peer review articles & courses & shit & and a helluva lot of time to still be on a different page than she is... to kill 2 birds with 1 stone and use this as a trust-exercise with your T?

 

[NightSky]

I don’t know if researching it has helped me a ton (and I read everything I can find on everything related to psychology pretty much). But knowing that I am an avoidant type and that my T wants me to have a secure attachment with her has helped a lot. I’m learning how my attachment style is the reason for a lot of the push pull and it helps me find a tiny bit more patience with myself since after 3.5 yrs with my T I still don’t feel comfortable letting my guard down, and if I do, I have to put up a ten foot wide wall after. She often says a lot of things I talk about have to do with attachment. Just knowing that a lot of the relational stuff that makes me feel ashamed has to do with a pattern learned a long time ago helps. So, I’m not saying go read everything you can find about it because that could be counterproductive. But having a conversation once in a while with your T about your attachment style could be helpful.

 

[scout86]

Do you think it would help in some way to bring it up with her?

Yes, it probably would. I might go with, "Remember that time you mentioned some this being 'attachment'? What did you mean?" Looking it up might be helpful, but @Friday 's right about the quality of information out there. I did look it up. Took an online test. Apparently my attachment style is "avoidant-dismissive". And the only advice they really offered was not to get in a relationship with a person who's of those. Not sure how useful that was!

 

[Sandstone]

I identified myself as Dismissive -avoidant in attachment several years ago, and had it confirmed professionally, though the psychologist who was doing diagnostic testing said he hadn't intended to mention it to me, until I raised it.

In practical terms it means that reading

The thought of her witnessing my feelings feels awful and the idea of me needing to...I don’t know...lean in....more to our relationship feels terrifying. I told her that. She just smiled kindly and said she knew but that we’d get there.

was so disturbing that I wanted to give up therapy.

I understand the concept that the relationship with my T is supposed to be therapeutic it itself, but I'd like it to happen without me being there.

All of which comes dowm to me saying - I think you are being incredibly brave, and have been all the way through working with your T. I hope you can keep on, and I believe that if you can, you will reap huge rewards.

 

[barefoot]

I think that your current situation with your T may be related to avoidance. Your T wants you to go deeper in the work and that is terrifying

I think there may be something around me partly wanting to avoid the harder stuff and the feelings around them...but, to be honest, it's me who's saying I want to do it. I was the one who brought it up with her and said I wanted to dive in deeper and I was the one who brought up how do you do processing etc to move things on to the next level. So, it's not like she is trying to push me to do something I dont want and I am then feeling angry with her for trying to make me go there.

Plus there is a metric ton of bullshit out there.

Well, yeah, that's certainly true! So, much rubbish to wade through to find something half decent/useful.

since you already know you’re going to use it as a weapon against yourself

It's actually her who thinks this rather than me...she thinks when I go away and look stuff up, I come back more self-critical and with with more of a sense of 'I'm not doing it right'. I don't generally agree with her on that and tend to roll my eyes when she starts saying that's what I'm doing! So, whether we are both not on the same page and have a different view and she's got me wrong on that...or whether she's actually right and she is seeing something that, for whatever reason, I am not able to see/accept/admit that that's what I'm doing, I'm really not sure!

to kill 2 birds with 1 stone and use this as a trust-exercise with your T?

This probably would be a short cut to getting to the most relevant, accurate info...but I can feel that I feel hesitant about bringing it up.

"Remember that time you mentioned some this being 'attachment'? What did you mean?"

On the one hand, I think this sounds like a very simple, obvious thing to say and do. On the other, it feels very...frightening...to bring it up. I don't really know why.

I’m learning how my attachment style is the reason for a lot of the push pull and it helps me find a tiny bit more patience with myself

Just knowing that a lot of the relational stuff that makes me feel ashamed has to do with a pattern learned a long time ago helps.

I can see the benefits in the above – frustration with myself and shame come up for me too around the relational stuff, so maybe I should try to push myself to mention it....

I understand the concept that the relationship with my T is supposed to be therapeutic it itself, but I'd like it to happen without me being there.

Ha! Yes...I see what you mean...that would make it a lot easier, wouldn't it?! :-)

I think you are being incredibly brave, and have been all the way through working with your T. I hope you can keep on, and I believe that if you can, you will reap huge rewards.

Thanks for your support, encouragement and kind words. Frankly, I am baffled that anyone could see anything brave in all this, when all I can see is a pathetic wimp who can't even deal with sitting in a room with someone once a week who gets paid to help them with their problems. So, I don't really understand how any of that translates into me being brave...but I appreciate you saying it anyway.

 

[scout86]

So, I don't really understand how any of that translates into me being brave..

It translates into being brave because it's hard and scary and you're doing it anyway. :)

.or whether she's actually right and she is seeing something that, for whatever reason, I am not able to see/accept/admit

If I had to guess, I'd guess that's it. And you don't see it yet because that's part of the "problem".

One of the things my T keeps pointing out is that a lot of this stuff is learned in childhood. Or it's not. Depending on what your childhood was like, you may or may not have an accurate view on all this relationship stuff. And there's nothing you can do about that other than to learn it now. It's not your FAULT you didn't learn it earlier, because you could only learn what was taught to you. There's a saying in Texas. "I wasn't born here but I got here as fast as I could." It's kind of like that.

 

[barefoot]

Sorry @scout86 - I did my usual and forgot about my thread! ?

It translates into being brave because it's hard and scary and you're doing it anyway. :)

Another good reminder, thanks.

Though it’s been two weeks since my last session where I brought this up at the end and I’m seeing her in an hour and just contemplates then promptly dismissed the idea of bringing it up again. So, the bravery is inconsistent, it seems!

If I had to guess, I'd guess that's it. And you don't see it yet because that's part of the "problem".

Hmm...yeah...I think that may be true...because I don’t think my T is one to bang on about something I don’t agree with...she is ok with us having different opinions about stuff...so I think there must be a reason why she hasn’t let this idea go! I just don’t see it though...

"I wasn't born here but I got here as fast as I could."

I like that ?

I think I probably need to discuss this with her again. But not this evening. I feel too tired to fully engage with this hard stuff, I think.