How Often Do You Visit or Call Your Mother

[TruthSeeker]

My mother died 13 years ago. Before that, we spoke rarely. She never called me- I always called her. I visited once or twice a year with my daughter- her only grandchild. Twas a one way relationship. Was lousy growing up not feeling loved. When she died, I cried- wishing it had been different, not because I’d miss her -and glad she was in peace....and the criticism was over and my obligation to take care of her at the Last 3 months of her life a relief, a failed relationship, over.

 

[Fadeaway]

Beside the occasional seance where the person is doing a crappy job at cold reading?

 

[mumstheword]

I called my mum for the first time in two years, a couple of weeks ago. I also texted her on her birthday for the first time in two years and checked in when the Tassue fires were on (she didn't bother letting me know she'd moved to Tassie, but my Dad told me).

It was big of me, for all the care and consideration she's given me.

I've been told by my pdoc, that, most likely, my mum has borderline personality disorder. If she ever gets treatment, I'll reconsider my minimalist approach to any kind of relationship with her.

As it is, she's mind-bogglingly (and triggeringly) self absorbed, ignorant and histrionic, at least, toward me, but I don't think it's exclusive to me.

She tries on the charm, but it never goes any deeper than surface level manipulative type niceness, when she wants something. So, I won't be keeping any kind of continuity with the communication, not unless she does something genuinely trust building. She did say she'd visit when she comes back to New South Wales to sell up her place up here. I can't talk to her about anything real, but I can do a glib and short social visit.

 

[hithere]

My mother died 13 years ago. Before that, we spoke rarely. She never called me- I always called her. I visited once or twice a year with my daughter- her only grandchild. Twas a one way relationship. Was lousy growing up not feeling loved. When she died, I cried- wishing it had been different, not because I’d miss her -and glad she was in peace....and the criticism was over and my obligation to take care of her at the Last 3 months of her life a relief, a failed relationship, over.

Thank you so much @Wilbur I really appreciate hearing all these different relationships. I still feel so guilty for not visiting her once a week. I become so anxious before I do visit. She's no longer acting the way she did now that she is in her 80's -- it's not easy. thank you again for sharing this

Never

Thank you for responding. I appreciate every answer!

I can't talk to her about anything real, but I can do a glib and short social visit.

Yes this is all I can do as well. I need to just "focus focus" on that is what I can do- glib and short social visit

 

[grit]

Dear lovely hithere,
Thank you so much for writing your story. It sounds so much like mine that I was like what??

Any story about a child not wanting to be in relationship with the mother is super frown upon. I recently watched a Netflix special about being abducted twice and was floored when I saw the mother being all girly about having a crush on the man who abused her child. And the woman and the mother are still in relationship! I had no doubt that the mother subconsciously gave her child to the man so he would love her. And yet the woman is here today defending the mother. I was like why are you defending her if you truly believed her? But defending she goes. I was like bring that 9 yrs old back and see if she would defend this mother.

I am telling you this story because no matter how nice your mother is to everybody (so was my mother –all narcissistic mothers are like these), what they did or did not do for their children is always a secret life between the child and the mother! No one else will ever know.

As I mentioned many times, I am no longer in relationship with my mother because I chose me over her. I know the society will ostracize you because we are so programmed to love the mother. In fact, the mother must love the child, not the child loving the mother! But we are brainwashed. However, in therapy, most of the issues are based on childhood and guess who is the culprit that no one wants to call? I get it as a woman that we should not be blaming the woman – but that is a political statement not emotional statement and also no child would ever give a rat’s arse the mother – a woman- fff…dd her life! But also, not all women are meant to have children or have proper lives to care for an infant. There are a lot of other issues of course and I get that. I am recovering now and having a lot of empathy for my mother and understanding her side of the story but my little parts that end up with PTSD and split off from me to survive – do not agree but that is what recovery is.
There is an author named Winnicott. You can even find his quotes online. He was also blessed with depressed mother, which as a result, impacted his babyhood life in the usual predictable way of neglect and making him probably grew too fast to fend for himself or take care of her. He made a lot of good points about motherhood relationship if you are interested. There are also many others who wrote about him and can give you better idea.
His most take is about hate. It is my understanding from reading him that a mother hates a child before a child notes he is hated and even before the child develops to hate the mother – I paraphrasing one of his many ideas.
One of my most recovery was to actually acknowledge I hated my mother as a child and I could have killed her if my little hands were powerful. That acknowledgement FREED ME beyond any therapy. It also depressed me for a long time because I felt and let it seep into my body and out. I am now trying to extract any love I had for my mother before I hated her (remember she must have hated me first….a baby cannot start to hate..) so I must loved her at some point. I am in search for that now, so I can fully complete my recovery. This is all blahahahahah I know it is my story, but I hope you get something out of it.
I acknowledge my feelings rather than stay in denial as I did as a child in order to be loved and cared and not die.
Today I am free and safe. I say the feeling even if I do not feel it but should and then shortly after, that feeling takes over and l do not fight.
It is truly one of the most heartbreaking to have a mother that just thinking about gives us psychosis. Just imagine a child having the same feeling but unable to deal with it because there is no experience or capacity.
We are resilient bunches and survived unbelievable things, but we are adult now and can easily take care of our little parts.

 

[pamcoco]

I no longer initiate any visits with any family, except during recent life and death circumstances. But my Mom initiates visits with me.

Like most here, my family relations are super complicated. Recently my mom came to visit, ended up in the ICU, then my brothers and niece accused me of poisoning her. My mom got a big kick out of this from her hospital bed.

At that time, I was at my wits end, less than a month out of the hospital from my only suicide attempt, I brutally, frantically and relentlessly required that she make a “public” stand defending me, confronting the irrational accusations and treatment by members of my family. She reluctantly complied.

Then she returned to my home, too ill to travel. She stayed for 2 months until, once cleared by doctors, I told her she needed to leave.

During that time she managed to destroy my relationship, cost me all my savings and undermined my physical/mental health which are intertwined and poor at best.

My continual communication requesting that she not place additional pressure on my partner, since he was already stressed to the max, she agreed to then ignore it. I would return from work to find him serving her a home cooked meal, preparing her breakfast and sorting her 20 daily medications.

Since her departure I have focused on my healing and decided to do what I can to mend my relationship. Today when I spoke with her she sarcastically asked me if he is still “the man of my dreams”.

Her 5th husband, a man that was frequently mean to me, passed away last year and now it is her goal to get me to move back to Southern California to live with her and care for her in the final phase of her life. She is 81. This goal is not so different than it was when was a child. She surrendered custody of my brothers to my father, and kept me by her side while she left then reconciled, more times than I could count, with my mentally ill, molesting, abusive step-father. I was punished if I was unavailable when she needed me or too friendly with my step-father.

As a teenager she flirted shamelessly with my boyfriends and embarrassed me frequently, always claiming naivety.

For the first time in my life I realize that she will destroy me in order to have a more pleasant few years. That she still, as always, unequivocally chooses her own comfort over my survival. I also acknowledge that, until now, I have chosen her over me too, time and time again.

I do not blame her for her many mistakes, placing me and my siblings in harms way, watching me be raped and them beaten, without so much as a peep of discontent. Her childhood was unusually complicated, shame ridden and neglectful.

But I must ask myself when have I done enough? When do I get to care for myself, acknowledging that I walk a very fine line with my resources and energy waning?

Tonight I sit with this discomfort, making decisions on my own behalf one day at a time. I love her more than I can express while I consciously seek freedom from her death grip.

I openly tell her how sorry I am and it is time to save myself.

Don't know if any of this helps, but for me, my relationship with my mom is shades of grey.