Old relationship blew up

[Upside Down Eagle]

This is just a thread to write out how I feel.

I work at a youth organization as a volunteer, together with somebody I know from a long time ago. There were some codependency issues at first, specially on my side, but I eventually grew out of it.

We´ve been trying to establish a more normal friendly relationship since but it hasn´t been going very well. Whenever I asked him for some sort advice about things, always in the "mentor" kind of relationship, it would go pretty well.

But whenever I venture beyond it he´s reserved. I tried to address this reservation and he got really pissed at me, he says he feels "screened" by me and I am always "evaluating" what he does.

He says he feels policed and he he feels as though he can´t be himself around me so he´s always mindful of what he says. He also said that he will not engage in a discussion about it anymore. Basically to him the discussion is over.

I feel he´s manipulating me. First by telling me that "I police him" by just speaking my mind. Then by putting an end to the conversation so as to shut me up. I feel like he wants to feel like some sort of huge victim while at the same time being in the right.

I feel disgustipated by the whole thing. I am sorry that I hang out with these kinds of people. I don´t want anything to do with him anymore. But I will still have to work with him as a colleague. Does anyone have an idea how to go about that?

 

[Friday]

Sounds pretty straightforward to me. He doesn’t want to talk to you for XYZ reasons. Rejection, rather than manipulation.

Don’t get me wrong, it sucks when someone we like and want to get to know better doesn’t like us. And no matter which way it happens...

- Aren’t I at least owed an explanation after all these years??? :mad:
- Sure, rub the salt in the wound, add insult to injury. Anything else you don’t like about me? :mad:

... whether they just say “No.” and refuse to explain (because explanations are always bonus, right? No is a complete sentence), or list out why they don’t like us, rejection hurts. I’m sorry you’ve lost someone you considered a friend.

But I will still have to work with him as a colleague. Does anyone have an idea how to go about that?

It’ll be awkward for a bit as new boundaries are learned but as long as neither of you are vindictive or malicious, deliberately attempting to hurt the other person (bullshit emotional games) or make their job hard (passive aggressive assholery), it usually settles down fairly soon. What might seem counterintuitive? The more awkward it is, is usually better. That’s both of you attempting not to step on the other person’s toes (crossing boundaries) while you both figure out what the new rules are.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I mean if he just said "no" then that would be okay but his message is he does not want to talk to me IF I "screen" everything he does.

Implying that if I am NOT doing that, then he would talk to me. But I am not allowed to even point out that I am in fact NOT screening him, because he will not dignify it with a response. He´s already decided it for me.

He pretends like I have a choice (the choice not to screen him) but in reality I have no choice. If not manipulative, it´s childish in the least. Accuse someone and then stick your fingers in your ear and go LA LA I´m not listening!

....?

Anyway.

I don´t have the amount of energy or time required to be a vindictive asshole. So it´ll probably be fine. Thanks Friday :)

 

[Justmehere]

I’m assuming he is also a volunteer?

You both disagree about your actions. Are you screening him? I don’t know. Is it wrong if you are? Maybe not. Maybe. I don’t know.

What is really clear is that he has set a boundary. He has communicated that if you do xyz, he won’t continue to talk to you.

He may be totally wrong in his opinion about your actions. Completely off his rocker.

He *still* has a right to not speak to you if he doesn’t want to do so about these matters. It is not manipulative to choose to not talk to someone. It is a boundary. He is pretty clear he wants only to speak to you when you seek out advice from him, but you don’t give unasked for advice or opinions or a further discussion about it.

It might be his way of making sure the past codependency patterns don’t happen again. It’s my guess, and this is a guess, so it could be wildly off... but I’m guessing that you might have gotten caught up in caretaking him and his emotions and changing him in the past, and now he is recognizing space is more healthy for him. Or vice versa. I’m just guessing because often when someone is jumpy about being screened and policed, they are sometimes tired of being fixed. He may be overly sensitive about this because of a desire to stay away from the patterns of the past.

Either way, it seems clear you can’t change him. Even if he is being totally manipulative... you can’t change him. You only have control over you.

Now you get to choose how you will handle his choices.

But I will still have to work with him as a colleague. Does anyone have an idea how to go about that?

Stay on teams where there are others around and speak to him cordially. If he reinforces the boundary, and continues to shut down communication, just carry on. If it becomes disruptive to others and the organization or cause that you are volunteering to support, connect with a supervisor about how to maintain respectful space without it being disruptive to the team.

The more chill and respectful you can be about it, and not let it get a rise or reaction out of you, the more likely the awkwardness of the situation will pass more quickly and any bumps in the volunteer setting will pass more quickly.