Hi ... BF Suffers from PTSD

[Deleted member 93]

Sounds like you are catching on quite quickly! Best thing for you to do is see that, for both of you, and is wonderful.

The similarities you see are exactly PTSD. Anthony has been a Godsend for us here. He sees that no matter how you developed PTSD the way you react and feel and the symptoms are very common and shared. It was the only place I could find that was not centered around military related PTSD. This is one of the only places you can find that put this out there and help others who have not been in the military and just thought we were nuts understand we did not have to be in a war zone to get it and help guide us as a group who in general are overlooked (IMO). He gives us a place to heal and understand. And he is military related PTSD. So extra kuddos to him for that. But not to overlook there are people here with the military related PTSD. But in the end PTSD is PTSD, not how you got it.

 

[OneDayAtATime]

PTSD is very real

I agree that PTSD can affect anyone. My own experience with the explosion shows me that. My BF has been battling this PTSD alone for some time now. He confided that he had never told his wife about this because he didn't want to burden her with his problems because she was dying. (I guess since I am super healthy it is OK to burden me!!!:kiss: ... just kidding).

Since he felt safe enough to share this with me, I think that was a big step in the right direction toward some level of recovery. He told me how weak he felt to admit this to me. I reassured him that it took a strong man to admit to his fears. I shared with him my experience and how I dealt with it. I am praying that he will be able to talk about it more and maybe eventually go see his friend.

 

[OneDayAtATime]

Anthony ... this really resonates with me

Anthony, this part of your post really resonated with me.

If you think of life with PTSD like that, then what you must do to help your BF, is to extinguish all the stressors, emotions, etc etc that he has been exposed too in life, and the only way to do that is to get them all out in the open, look at them rationally, discuss them, analyse them, get emotive about them. I say emotive, because he will say he is angry, yet anger is not an emotion, it is an emotional response to an emotion. What he is trying to say, is he is frustrated, hurt, etc etc, which are the emotions causing anger. Dealing and coming to terms with emotions then stops the anger. So this in essence would help him to lessen the fuel as such. Even though when dealing with issues, the response may be a big burst of fuel to really get the fire going, its a burst that is required to burn all that internal suffering, then nothing is left, so the fire calms once again, except with less fuel present now. Each time you get your BF to get to the emotional level, this cycle will continue, thus eventually all his fuel is gone, which means the fire can no longer burn, as life itself is not enough to create fire, it must have fuel (stressor) to allow the fire (PTSD) to burn once again.

After he had the nightmare and he told me what it was about he was very angry. I knew he was not angry at me, but he was angry because of the fears that surfaced and because it was still haunting him. I am glad he felt safe enought to tell me about it. With all of your help and advice, I think I can help him deal with this in a healthy manner. I know it will take time, patience, and prayers but I am ready to go the extra mile for him.

I am very thankful to find this forum. Your comments are really helping me to think clearly and assess this without allowing my emotions to become involved. THANK YOU!

 

[Nam]

Jan, is it possible for him to get online on this forum? We would be glad to help him in his journey to healing.

 

[OneDayAtATime]

Nam

Nam, My BF is a very, very private person. It took a lot for him to tell me about the bombing and his nightmares. He has not told anyone else in his family. I suspect the breakdown he had several years ago is directly related to this incident but exacerbated by the trauma of watching his wife die for over a decade and trying to be the Dad to two traumatized kids. He is a remarkable man who I have a great deal of respect for. He has pulled himself up by the bootstraps and is doing pretty well. I have not told him about this website (yet) because I don't want him to feel like I am betraying a confidence. I have only told his story in the most general of terms because I don't want his privacy compromised in any way.

I am hoping that in the future I can share this forum with him. I just need to go slowly with him so that I don't upset him unnecessarily. Just the fact that he TOLD this to me shows me that he is making the first baby step towards getting better.

I know that all of you will welcome him when he is ready. Thank you all so much!

 

[Deleted member 93]

It has been a big surprise to me when peole group up here together as a couple. I seems to help a lot to put feelings and fears down you may not be otherwise able convey to that person, and it is in a nonconfrontational manner. Even more so when you get the feed back and know neither is alone. My hubs has poked in but as he pointed out I am a computer hog and don't share well... Or he woud be around.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Last weekend we decided to go to the movies. We both wanted to see "The Departed" , a movie we both wanted to see. It was a pretty bloody and graphic movie that showed several people being shot in the face or head. That night is when he had the nightmare and ultimately told me about what had happened to him. He also admitted that these nightmares have plagued him when his anxieties are elevated. I think the graphic movie triggered the nightmare, but the current anxieties he is feeling also probably contributed to the hold that this nightmare has on him.

Hi OneDay,

I don't feel its necessary for me to add to the other posts, as those guys have PTSD and a better insight than me. I just live with it!! What I will say about this part of your post though, is I try and keep Anthony away from this kind of film, tv program (etc). I found the hard way that he would watch these damn films and be ill for a day or two afterwards. Its not so bad now but if I can stop him from watching them I do. Sure he's big enough and silly enough to look after himself but sometimes he doesn't even see it coming. I just don't like seeing him ill as a result of a trigger that can be avoided........kind of like not going shopping at the most crowded times. Why do that when you can go another time? Anyhow, I'm not keen on anything like this and I have a toddler in my house who I do not want seeing violent 'shoot 'em ups' as I call them.

 

[Deleted member 3]

I have not told him about this website (yet) because I don't want him to feel like I am betraying a confidence. I have only told his story in the most general of terms because I don't want his privacy compromised in any way.

I am hoping that in the future I can share this forum with him. I just need to go slowly with him so that I don't upset him unnecessarily. Just the fact that he TOLD this to me shows me that he is making the first baby step towards getting better.

I know that all of you will welcome him when he is ready. Thank you all so much!

Jan,

I used the softly, softly approach with Anthony as well. These guys don't trust easy and many of them with good reason. I always felt that it was Anthony's responsibility and right to deal with his PTSD in his own way and that it was not my right to comprise his trust in me. God knows its hard won!! Its easier for me now because of this forum, as he is more public about his PTSD but I still do not tell many people. Not because I care what they think but because I care about him and how he will feel. If he decides to tell people that he has PTSD then that puts him on a level playing field. We both found out the hard way, in the inital stages, that there were many people willing to criticise and offer advice but not many willing to stick by him.

 

[OneDayAtATime]

Flags of our Father

Kerrie Ann, Thank you for your insight. I agree about the movies. I was unaware of my BF's PTSD until we saw that movie "The Departed" (which was a lot more graphic than I care for) and the nightmare occurred. I am just glad that he trusted me enought to confide in me about this problem. I am not going to mention his problem to anyone as he has asked me to keep this a secret from his family. I don't want to betray him or make him feel like I am not to be trusted. If he can't talk to me about it, he will have NO outlet for those feelings and that can only be bad for him.

Unfortunately, he wants to see "Flags of Our Father" which I am sure is going to trigger another nightmare. He plans on going with is son (23 years old) because I told him that I don't think I can watch it. On the other hand, maybe seeing this film will help him to face his fears and they will dissapate. Who knows!

Jan

 

[anthony]

Jan, unfortunately they won't dissipate from exposure, because he has no reasoning to go with them. For exposure therapy to work, you must first have reasoning to actions, basically pulling trauma apart and putting it back together again in new pieces. Without that, he is only exposing himself, getting ill, recoverying, exposing himself, getting ill, recovering, and the cycle continues. With the knowledge to go with it and trauma pulled apart, he would expose himself, get ill, find reason to his emotions, understand why certain emotions are resonating, recover then continue the cycle, except this time when he would continue the cycle, he would have trained his brain from the previous exposure to the realistic nature of what he is seeing, why he responds, how to reduce this response, etc etc.

 

[Deleted member 3]

Jan,

Your welcome. As I said, I try and limit Anthony's exposure to that kind of stuff though he is better at dealing with it if anything triggers now. I just don't like seeing him unwell from something that can be avoided. I tend to agree with Anthony re the exposure. There is no reasoning to why it makes him feel ill, it just that it will until he begins to actively start the healing process. All you can do at this stage, is watch him, help him as much as you can and encourage him towards treatment with professionals. Its good that he talks to you but in my experience he will hardly be touching the iceberg of what is really going on.

 

[OneDayAtATime]

Update:

My BF told me today that he has decided AGAINST seeing the movie "Flags of our Father". This was all on his own ... I did not try to influence his decision. He has been talking more about things in the past that haunt him and it seems to be helping. I know it is too soon to tell, but it seems like some progress. He is currently facing a potentially explosive personal situation and is handling it very well. It has not caused any apparent setbacks yet. :occasion: