Never had romantic relationship

[No_milk_today]

Hi,

I just recently got diagnosed with depression/cPTSD, and I came in to therapy wanting to talk about my disorganised attachment and my lack of relationships. I'm 32 and I've never had a serious relationship. I have a few friends, but not many and the ones I have are very busy so I almost never see them.
What bothers me most however, is the fact that I can't seem to get involved with anyone romantically and no matter how hard I've tried, I've yet to meet someone who has fallen in love with me or taken a romantic interest in me (to the point which they actually do something about it). The times that I've dated or taken action myself have led to rejection either instantly or ultimately. The one time I did get involved with someone I got cheated on and he told me what he and I had was just a joke to him.
I don't know why I'm so fundamentally 'unloveable'; the entire cause for my cPTSD is precisely this; social exclusion and not being loved/acknowledged, psychological abuse etc.) It seems like there is something I'm doing wrong, but I can't figure out what it is, and even in literature about PTSD or attachment all stories are about people in relationships it seems. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone recognises this and if you've overcome it or how you're dealing with it. I'm at my wits end and not quite ready to open up to my therapist yet.

 

[somerandomguy]

The usual rule of thumb is to work on yourself first before getting into any romantic relationships. The most important relationship you ever have is the one you have with yourself. Luckily, at age 32 you still have a lot of time left for romantic relationships.

I'm kind of a hypocrite because I got married way before I even started working in my trauma issues. It was a mistake and has led to some pretty bad problems in my marriage; if I could do it over, I would have tried to work through my issues first.

 

[Fadeaway]

Social isolation makes it tough to form relationships. We didn't learn the fundamentals during cruicial stages of development. Maybe we can brain storm ways to overcome it.

 

[No_milk_today]

@Fadeaway Yes, maybe that would be a good idea. My therapist says mentalization based therapy will help, but so far I'm completely unable to open up to him.

It's so strange to live in a world where this stuff seems to be so easy for everyone. It's not just that being single/isolated makes me feel bad, additionally it's the fact that everyone seems to be paired off or just moving on from one person to the next, and I'm standing on the side wanting in, but lacking all the skills or even the insight into what I'm doing wrong.

 

[EveHarrington]

I came in to therapy wanting to talk about my disorganised attachment and my lack of relationships.

Have you been able to open up to your therapist about these struggles?

I'm 32 and I've never had a serious relationship.

It’s ok. I assure you, it’s ok. I never really dated much until the last few years, and I’m in my 30’s. It sometimes feels shameful, but once you get further along in your healing, you’ll be able to form more substantial relationships.

The times that I've dated or taken action myself have led to rejection either instantly or ultimately.

I think it was Friday that said this....most relationships fail. It sucks, but it’s true. What this means to me is that I’ve got to keep on trying to connect with others, keeping in mind that there are many reasons for a relationship to fail, that it’s difficult to find people we truly connect with.

The one time I did get involved with someone I got cheated on and he told me what he and I had was just a joke to him.

Unfortunately you met an asshole. His behavior is a reflection on him, not you. There are plenty of other guys out there who will treat you well.

I don't know why I'm so fundamentally 'unloveable';

You aren’t unlovable. These are the words/thoughts of your abusers that have been drilled into your mind.

It seems like there is something I'm doing wrong, but I can't figure out what it is, and even in literature about PTSD or attachment all stories are about people in relationships it seems.

Unfortunately the literature will never tell us what we are missing. The only way to learn is through experience. You will fall on your butt repeatedly. Don’t let it discourage you. It’s all a part of the learning process.

 

[No_milk_today]

Have you been able to open up to your therapist about these struggles?

No, not really. I've put it on the table when they asked me why I had come to therapy. The whole trauma actually surfaced later, when talking about my biographical history. I didn't even realise I was traumatised before. Anyway, I'm so ashamed of this I can't even go near it in my head in therapy. I'm afraid of judgment or being ridiculed, and it feels like I can't even bear my own emotions about it. Like opening up about it would open up such a cesspool of misery I could end up killing myself.

I think it was Friday that said this....most relationships fail. It sucks, but it’s true. What this means to me is that I’ve got to keep on trying to connect with others, keeping in mind that there are many reasons for a relationship to fail, that it’s difficult to find people we truly connect with.

Unfortunately the literature will never tell us what we are missing. The only way to learn is through experience. You will fall on your butt repeatedly. Don’t let it discourage you. It’s all a part of the learning process.

Yes, and I try to tell myself this too. I just get so stuck when I imagine someone I was with or had/have feelings for being with someone else. I feel like such a failure not being able to move on, or to have someone that actually wants to be with me. Sometimes I think there's something so clearly, blatantly wrong with me that everyone just stays away, otherwise I would have had at least someone who would have 'chased' me at some point in my life. But there's none of that. And yet when I ask people I know they all say nothing's wrong with me.
I just really want to understand what's wrong with me so I can fix it. All I've ever wanted was to have someone to love. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.

 

[EveHarrington]

Like opening up about it would open up such a cesspool of misery I could end up killing myself.

I think if you’re struggling this much, it’s important to learn coping skills before opening up to ensure that you can handle it.

Sometimes I think there's something so clearly, blatantly wrong with me that everyone just stays away, otherwise I would have had at least someone who would have 'chased' me at some point in my life.

It may be something relatively simple that’s keeping people away. I’ll explain. For me, I can be “aloof”. It’s because I’m in hyper vigilant mode when around others (strangers). My demeanor screams “leave me alone!!!” I wasn’t doing it on purpose. Many of my friends and family couldn’t see it in me because I was ok around them. But, nevertheless, it prevented me from interacting in social situations, it prevented me from making new friends. Now I try to interact more with others, even just chatting it up with clerks and such. My mom is now amazed at how well I can interact with others.

All I've ever wanted was to have someone to love. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true.

Not dramatic at all. It’s very human to want to be loved.

 

[No_milk_today]

Thanks, @EveHarrington! I went to therapy today and it was a lot better this time. Possibly because I bawled my eyes out the days before ;)
We settled to just building more trust before proceeding to actual EMDR and other therapies.
It still doesn't feel like a solution, I kind of just want someone to point out to me what that apparently big sign above my head says that's keeping people away.

 

[KimmyO]

Hi there, I am so sorry you are feeling so alone and unloveable, but you are Not. You are loveable and worthy of being treasured and treated right. You might be coming off too eager or needy. Men love to do the chasing, so play it cool and hard to get. Might work. Also, respect yourself, put your best foot forward and smile openly, confidently. Fake it and it will become real. Another thing that might help is getting involved in the things you love to do, or care about, and you will find like minded people there, which might lead to at least a good friendship or down the road a romantic relationship but don't make that your focus. Be your best you and just let things progress naturally. It is good to open up to your therapist, that is what they are there for, it doesn't help at all to be closed down with them or hid problems. Another thing that helps a lot is taking magnesium and ginseng. They calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of sticky negative thoughts. =)

 

[No_milk_today]

Thanks, @KimmyO , I don't feel like playing 'hard to get' is really my go to way out of this. I've tried it before, and it doesn't help, plus it just makes me confused for behaving so entirely differently than I feel.

I am trying to get into new social circles and such, but being quite isolated I find it difficult. Today, I tried to find someone to go out dancing with, but no one was available. Also, the one guy that I had slight hopes at getting involved with, turns out to have a girlfriend and I've been feeling devastated over it. It feels like life is passing me by. I know I shouldn't get stuck on someone, but it's hard when they were the one person I felt something for and they're just out being with someone else. God, it just makes me feel desperate. I just want to tell this guy: hey, I'm worth something, you should give me a try! and yet at the same time it feels so pointless. Like 'yes, of course this happens. Of course he has someone else. Of course he would never go for me. Of course he's out there having fun while you're here hoping he might call or text you.' I feel so stupid for wanting this so bad and so sad that I don't have it.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I can't even make sense of my own thoughts right now.