How to feel safe without a saftey net?

[Fadeaway]

I have no support right now, and can't even put into words what I am feeling, just that its like reaching out and not being able to grab on to anything. I feel a desperate need for a sense of security. Something familiar something reliable. Something external to count on.

I am also terrified that if I find it, it is going to be ripped out from under me so I can't risk getting accustomed to or attached to anything.

I have been broken by too much loss and couldnt catch my breath before the next loss hit.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Hey Fadeaway,

Sorry that I can’t offer any constructive advice. I can only tell you that this is 100% relatable for me. I have pretty much 0 support also, and it is has been this way since my trauma. I have been dealing with it all on my own.

I think what helps me is finding little comforts of my own I.e a nice hot bath, a good series on the TV etc.

Are you currently living by yourself? With family? Friends? Is there anyone at all that knows of your struggle right now?

 

[rosey]

I so relate to this. I guess I just learnt to be my own support network. Easier said than done!

 

[Deleted member 48076]

I so relate to this. I guess I just learnt to be my own support network. Easier said than done!

Yes it does get tough, really tough. At first you think to yourself, yeah I can do this! I tried to convince myself that it’s best that way anyway because 1.) no one understands me and my needs like me (especially when I can’t even understand myself) and 2.) no one can then hurt me in the process of me relying on them.

Within months it became apparent that it doesn’t quite work like that. Don’t get me wrong, I am feeling the impact of being alone now more than ever, but it still isn’t enough for me to be open in my vulnerability...

 

[Teasel]

Really relate too. At times it has been terrifying to feel so isolated.

At some of the worst times I've managed to feel some sort of connection to trees, maybe sounds bonkers, but I needed connection so bad.

Also, connecting to myself by way of meditation, self compassion (metta) and journaling has been helpful.

Also, using tools is very soothing, coloured breathing, slow deep breathing, grounding, self soothing, progressive muscle relaxation etc

Have been intending to do things to be around people more for some time too, must get around to it - classes, meetups etc

Hope you can find things that help you. Best x

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Have been intending to do things to be around people more for some time too, must get around to it - classes, meetups etc

Me too! Haven’t gotten round to this one either.. I feel social situations might be a little much for me still. Especially for longer periods of time!

 

[Ronin]

Do you know what you need from your safety net?

What, and to what depth, that helps you function?

Might be somewhere to start / something you can start with and do workarounds later.

 

[scout86]

This might not be very helpful....

One of the first homework assignments my T gave me turned into a dissertation on how there was no such thing as "safe", no one's coming to rescue, we're all on our own, etc. I don't even remember what he asked any more. It occurs to me now that my reaction might have been a little intense, and it probably told him more than I realized at the time.

My point is, a lot of people never feel like they have a safety net and yet they manage. You might be selling yourself short. You probably have more, and better, coping skills than you give yourself credit for.

@Ronin has a good point though, do you have a clear idea what you need? Once you figure that out, then you can start figuring out options for meeting the needs.

 

[Fadeaway]

Are you currently living by yourself? With family? Friends

offofspectfully I am thinking about carrying a sign with me saying, "Orphan awareness! Gasp, there are people who don't have any living blood realitives or are compleatly cut off, assumptions are offensive! " Because I get asked this way too often and it is so triggering and sends me into a melt down every time.

I live with my husband who has become increasingly abusive controlling my access to money, food and access to the outside world. I found out two days ago he went to my therapist and told her I was violent causing her to be horrible to me, he told our landlord this as well and the police here are his relatives and he is super close with the police. A few weeks ago we got pulled over just so the officer could chit chat with him. He moved me to this town unsuspectingly. I don't know a single soul but he has major connections here.

Every one believes him because of my mental illness, the fact that I came off benzos by my self and now tells everyone I am a drug addict which is a massive trigger for me because part of my trauma is because my moms drug addiction actually 99% of it can be traced to it directly or indirectly. She killed herself.

Tonight things escalated with the verbal abuse because I couldn't make it to the toilet in time to throw up. He brearated me for it so bad. It just comes on suddenly with no warning and no time to make it to the bathroom for about 9 months now. Dr. S say its stress. Well, I got so fed up I knocked over the litter box. FYI I am far from perfect. He took the broom and punched a hole in my door.

Help I am scared and out of options for help because he tells everyone I am violent and the abuser.

He doesn't go into detail and feels he is justified because by his definition violent = panic attack and abuse equalls = not keeping the house clean.

Help I am scared

 

[Fadeaway]

Been on hold with the D. V. Hotline for 20 minutes now but it says waiting time is less than 5 minutes. He left so its OK, but I couldn't imagine if I was in danger.

 

[Fadeaway]

I posted this in the heat of the moment, but its out now no going back.

To be honest I didn't want to leave because even though there is nothing between us anymore he was all I had. I didn't want people questioning why I hadn't left, and I have been through so much latley that trying to sort out what ownership I have and pinpointing and articulating exactly what he is doing is hard.

It is hard for me not to empathize with him because he has been through a lot too. He also isn't the fiery temper my ex was, and I felt safe with his demi-asexuality afraid I would never find that again.

This is really tough for me to acknowledge to myself.

 

[scout86]

I hope you got through to the hotline and I hope they were some help! Your current situation sounds really tough. From what I remember, your relationship with your husband has had a lot of ups and downs, but it hasn't been really positive. I sure don't like the sound of where it's at right now. I hope you can find a safe place to get some space to sort things out for yourself.

and articulating exactly what he is doing is hard.

Gaslighting?

he was all I had.

You have YOU, and the rest of your life. It may not seem like it, but things CAN get better.