How do you identify parts that don't speak clearly for themselves? How do you learn to communicate with them?

[Friday]

If this kid somewhere inside me was like that, I think I could handle it. But I have no sense of her. I don't know her. I can't hear her, and I don't know how to find her and give her what she needs.

Another way to look at it is that she has become you. Rather than a distinctly different facet of your personality, the lessons you learned at that age have grown, matured, and developed through every stage of life you’ve gone through.

So instead of looking for a personification, or a voice; one looks for lessons, beliefs, & behaviors. The lessons you learned, the beliefs that grew from them, and the behaviors that naturally follow.

Which you’ve already started to do, and have done very well.

It’s a wholly different process, although there will always be points of similarity (like recognizing you want attention); it’s a lot less removed/distant. Because it’s not your child part that wants attention, it’s you who wants attention. And then sorting out -if you don’t know already- what kinds of attention you like best/are most comfortable with, what you struggle with, ways you’ve sought it in the past vs ways to seek it out now, your various hard & soft limits, etc. so forth and so on. It’s figuring out the direction you want to go in the future and working your way towards that. Because the need/want has grown and matured as you have, rather than getting frozen in time and never progressing.

***

To use a completely different example, because it’s sometimes easier to see when it’s not so close? The kid who loved Barbie shoes grows into the adult who loves shoes. But who has been told for so many years that XYZ materialism blah blah blah vanity blah blah blah going to hell... the adult herself only has 1 pair of shoes. Moving forward? Attempting to change that? Wouldn’t be going out and buying Barbie shoes for the child part who loved Barbie shoes. Instead it would be recognizing as she stares longingly at the galoshes in the pouring rain, or the stilettos next to the dress she’s buying, or the fuzzy slippers in the cold... that the reason she’s turning away -behavior- from the shoes is because of old lessons, old beliefs, and by gum! she’s going to get the knee high boots for her birthday. (Starting with special treats. Moving onto usefulness. Or whatever order she decides to start changing behaviors, and beliefs and learning new lessons.) .... But just because she’s moving forward? Doesn’t mean that she’s not thrilled to be playing Barbie with her niece, or doesn’t still play dress up on her own just for fun. It’s neither starting backwards in time, nor completely cutting out/erasing time.

It’s not trying to connect with a child’s love of toy shoes, but with an adult’s love of real shoes. Which is a far bigger, more complicated thing.

 

[grit]

First I want to applaud you for recognizing where the first part (resentful) came from. I think realizing that and being able to articulate your 3yrs old self annoyed/angry for being left off for this little blondy/blue eyed baby is a good start (takes years to come to this for many of us).

Now you got that but of course we are not big parts like chunks...we are clusters. so that resenting feeling grow into your fabric and there was and still is another molding part that probably was already in you (before you were 3) that was not resentful.

To try to put it visually for you:
You were not resentful before 3yrs old. you were happy child like any other happy child. You had mom/dad attention and livedin blisful and normal life...let us say for simplicity of course.

So that feeling grow into fabric - happy, healthy person/child/part etc.

Then your sister showed up and you can see today as an adult, if you had a child and another one came, you would do weaning and you can see as an adult that weaning is extremely a huge biological process - actually very traumatizing for any child but probably those of us with PTSD - most terrifying for whatever reason.

Now your 3yrs old started to develop this resentful side of her.

This is where it gets interesting: your old part that was happy did not die versus this new resentfulpart.

Now, as you explore yourself, your old self (let us call X) and the resentful part let us call it Z are in conflict. Hence why you are feeling this resentful part is not really you because honestly you were not born resentful. You have become during certain experience.

X is probably angry that Z has become more dominant and is taking over the full body/mind.

My recommendation is to sit and meditate or fantasize about what your life was like before sister came along. See if you can feel that part in your body today. it is there!

It sounds to me X has become bitter that she lost some power. And Z has become more dominant purely to torture X.

Sorry for using these letters but I get the feeling you are extremely reflective person and need to visualize and hope you feel the pain X has been feeling all these time you were spending with Z and bring both to love each other and forgive each other and make a peace in your full body/mind.

 

[zombycat]

@grit and @Friday - I read your posts yesterday, and omg. The things you said resonated so hard. I had a super busy day yesterday, so had no time to reply until now, but the things you both said kept churning around in the back of my mind.

Another way to look at it is that she has become you. Rather than a distinctly different facet of your personality, the lessons you learned at that age have grown, matured, and developed through every stage of life you’ve gone through.

I hadn't even considered the concept of a childhood distortion evolving as I grew up. I had all the pieces in front of me, and in hindsight, it's kind of a no-brainer, but Imma not let me judge myself for needing a little help to connect the dots.

it’s not your child part that wants attention, it’s you who wants attention.

I definitely want attention as an adult. I crave recognition and feedback. I'll grab onto criticism with both hands and hold it tightly to me even if it didn't come from a helpful place because it meant someone was paying attention.

Which you’ve already started to do, and have done very well.

Case in point, just this little comment gave me a case of the warm tinglies. Someone thought I did something worthwhile, so maybe, just for a few minutes that means that I am worthwhile. Logically, I recognize everything wrong with that statement, but I am an emotional being. My world is dominated by how I feel, and my feelings skip in merry tandem with my distortions.

Okay... It's not entirely that simple. The things I feel aren't invalid just because they are often based in illogic and traumabrain reactions. There are reasons. My feelings and their intensity may be misguided, but they are not wrong. I can't raise my sense of self-worth with judgement or correct my distortions without extending compassion and understanding to myself and whatever past or present part of myself that raised those distorted walls in the name of self-protection.

The kid who loved Barbie shoes grows into the adult who loves shoes. But who has been told for so many years that XYZ materialism blah blah blah vanity blah blah blah going to hell... the adult herself only has 1 pair of shoes. Moving forward? Attempting to change that? Wouldn’t be going out and buying Barbie shoes for the child part who loved Barbie shoes. Instead it would be recognizing as she stares longingly at the galoshes in the pouring rain, or the stilettos next to the dress she’s buying, or the fuzzy slippers in the cold... that the reason she’s turning away -behavior- from the shoes is because of old lessons, old beliefs, and by gum! she’s going to get the knee high boots for her birthday.

You could have been writing about me specifically. lol I didn't have a thing for Barbies and don't have a thing for shoes, but I was poor growing up. I was the kid in class who didn't even have the box of twelve crayons. I had the box of eight. My better off friends would drag out their boxes of 64 with the sharpener in back, and I envied them so hard. All those pretty colors.... @w@ They shared, but it wasn't the same as being able to drag that huge yellow box out of my own backpack. I felt ashamed and drab, definitely not cool. It wasn't like that with just crayons, either. My clothes were hand-me downs, my toys from thrift stores and none of it was ever what was the 'in' thing.

I won't lie. I probably have a couple of dozen various boxes of crayons, pencils, charcoal and markers now and quite a few coloring books, but beyond that, I have a taste for the finer things. I'm not rich, so I can't indulge it much, but given a choice, my eye goes straight to quality. When I can, I give myself nice things, but I still have to fight guilt over 'wasting' money

This is where it gets interesting: your old part that was happy did not die versus this new resentfulpart.

You freaking blew my mind with this. Just.... B O O M. I always had this concept that I became something else entirely, something new, something less, that I would have to rebuild this person I was/want to be from scratch-ish. I was just talking to my T about this, about my memories of who I used to be and how much I missed that curious, happy, free-spirited person. I think she was trying to tell me the same thing, but it didn't sink in until I read this.

Grit, you talked about us being made up of clusters. That whole concept is sending ripples through my mind, reframing things. I think I'm finally starting to understand why so many of my core beliefs are so twisted. They fed on each other and distorted everything that came after, building layer upon layer of rot. I'm looking at the ruin in my head now in despair. I've come so far, but I've barely scratched the surface. How will I ever fix this ruin? How am I even still alive?

Wait, no. Check that. I can do this. It spread through my life like ripples on a pond, and I don't have to fix every single tiny thing. I'm going to think of this like a game of Go. Bracket the black stones with white and they all flip to white, too. Send new ripples, take back the board and shower any black stones left with acceptance and compassion. Just gotta keep learning how to play the Reframe Game. I don't have to beat Stephen Hawking at it. I only have to beat myself, and a part of myself that isn't thinking clearly at that. It's like Me vs. GoHomeYou'reDrunkMe. I can do this.

Now, as you explore yourself, your old self (let us call X) and the resentful part let us call it Z are in conflict. Hence why you are feeling this resentful part is not really you because honestly you were not born resentful. You have become during certain experience.

X is probably angry that Z has become more dominant and is taking over the full body/mind.

My recommendation is to sit and meditate or fantasize about what your life was like before sister came along. See if you can feel that part in your body today. it is there!

It sounds to me X has become bitter that she lost some power. And Z has become more dominant purely to torture X.

Sorry for using these letters but I get the feeling you are extremely reflective person and need to visualize and hope you feel the pain X has been feeling all these time you were spending with Z and bring both to love each other and forgive each other and make a peace in your full body/mind.

The letters made perfect sense to me, and you're right. I am a reflective person. Sometimes too much. lol I don't have many concrete memories from that time, but I do have some impressions of my personality and mindset. SInce I didn't realize that X was still around, I didn't think about how she would feel. Thinking back, I can definitely see some temper flares at things perceived to be unfair that I think may have been X. By this model I have several tasks in front of me(not necessarily in this order):

• Get Z's resentment in check
• Take back Z's dominance
• Address X's bitterness over being smothered so long and missing out on so much of my life
• Accept what I can't change
• Work toward integrating X and Z and who I am with who I was/want to be

I felt so harshly at first toward Z's resentfulness and attention-seeking, but omg do I identify with X. This life isn't the one she should have had. She deserved to be happy. But then so did Z. She didn't ask to think and feel like this. It was all she knew how to do.

Damn, this is all such a mindf*ck. I think my brain is fried for right now. I need to rest and process this for the next day or two.

Thank you, guys.