Relationship Isolation and my bf

[joeylittle]

I need to set boundaries and adhere to them. Again what are some boundaries you set.

Boundaries: rules you make to govern your own behavior, so that you understand what you are choosing to tolerate.
Conditions: rules you make to limit or control someone else’s behavior - for relationships, these are often in the form of trade-offs or compromises.

A good question is: what would you like to be doing differently, in this relationship?

 

[Orchid1818]

Communication is the biggest.

 

[Freida]

Hubby and I have been married 25 years but it's not always been easy and things got much worse when I started therapy. If he had defined his place in our relationship by my actions we would have never made it. I think to be a successful supporter you have to have a lot of self confidence so that you aren't derailed every time your sufferer tanks,

When I'm isolating my supporters are the last thing on my mind and their attempts to reign me in so they feel better just pisses me off. I'm isolating because I am in hell. My brain is exploding and my energy is going to keep myself alive. I have none to spare for talks about where our relationship is going. I expect them to continue to live their lives and when I climb out of the shitstorm I'm in maybe they will be there and maybe they won't. I think that is the part you are missing. Isolation is to save my sanity. If my supporters can't respect that then they won't make it as my supporters. And yes, I get respect should go both ways.

But those are things you bring up afterwards. What are deal breakers for you? What makes you feel like crap? What behaviors do you refuse to tolerate? What's your line in the sand?.

Most importantly.... What are YOU worth in this relationship? Because until you know that then your relationship will always be one sided and pts d wins

 

[EveHarrington]

Many vets are married.

Many vets don’t have PTSD.

Many people with ptsd don’t isolate.

 

[Justmehere]

Veterans with PTSD are 2 times more likely to divorce than veterans without PTSD. (Partners of Veterans with PTSD: Research Findings - PTSD: National Center for PTSD) It can work, but it takes work by both sides. If he isn't willing or able to work at it in treatment or communicating with you, there isn't much you can do to change him.

For me, a relationship with someone who isolates for weeks on end regularly would be outside of my boundaries and limits. I’d let them know I needed to hang out once a week, face to face, and if they are not able or willing to do that, I need to move on. That's my boundary and how I would hold my boundary.

For you, it may be that you need phone calls or texts initiated by him communication so many times per week to stay in the relationship. You get to get to choose what you let into your life and not.

 

[OrangeJulius]

At what point does isolating and shutting down, refusing to talk, turn into taking advantage of someone?

At the point that you feel taken advantage of.

How does anyone have a relationship with their significant other if they isolate?

Boundaries or they break up.

I need to set boundaries and adhere to them.

YES! The adhering is the biggest aspect. Right now he knows that you've stuck around for 3 weeks with little or no contact. So he knows he can get away with that and may even push that limit further. This puts you in a position to put up with it or not. You tell him that you want to respect his need to isolate, but to continue being half of this relationship you expect a "I'm alive" text/phone call/whatever every 3 days (or whatever you decide your personal limit is) so that you know he wants to continue being half of this relationship and if you do not receive it you will assume you are single. That is an example of a boundary. It is about what YOU will do in x, y, or z situation. He knows this ahead of time and then he gets to be an adult and make his own decision to participate in the relationship or not.

Easier said than done? Absolutely. But its kind of like a kid.....threats of discipline (or boundaries) mean nothing if you never actually follow through or hold them to the standards you've expressed.

 

[Orchid1818]

I've learned I'm a very giving empathetic person. In which case i need better boundries in all areas of my life.

 

[Freida]

Easier said than done? Absolutely. But its kind of like a kid.....threats of discipline (or boundaries) mean nothing if you never actually follow through or hold them to the standards you've expressed.

I can't like this enough! yep -- I have all the mind set of a tantrumy two year old at times so if you don't hold that boundary I'm gonna run all over the damn thing. And then good luck getting it back into place.