Dissociation and anxiety preventing employment

[Keen]

I need help thinking through this, and thought you might be able to help. My diagnoses are DID, PTSD, and OCD, so I put this in here because you all are maybe more likely to understand because you have other disorders besides PTSD.
Background:
Okay, so I have been unemployed for 6 years now. I quit my last job due to anxiety that was getting worse and worse and negatively affecting my health. I have been able to do a few odd jobs for friends (online data research, etc), but have been unable to get an actual job in these last 6 years.
I will look online for job postings, find ones that look like good opportunities, but when I am about to apply, I dissociate or have a panic attack and can't do it.
Thought process:
Not having a job for 6 years has to mean one of two things, either a character problem, or a mental problem, right?
Everyone who knows me tells me it is not a character problem. They see how much I try to get a job, how much I want to work, how much I hate every minute of being unemployed, and they say if it was a character problem I'd be relaxing and happy to not be working rather than the distressed, always-trying-to-find-a-solution way that I've been.
So that would make it a mental problem.
How do you fix mental problems? Usually through a mental health professional's help.
I've seen multiple therapists and counselors over the last 6 years, and none of them have been able to help me fix this inability-to-get-a-job problem. They all end up throwing up their hands and saying "I've run out of ideas."
So, does this mean my problem is un-fix-able?
Or is there a third option besides this being a character problem or a mental problem?
I just am kinda at a loss for what to do or try anymore.

 

[Kubash16]

I wouldn’t say it’s unfixable.

What kind of things have you tried?

Do you have panic attacks/dissociation to other triggers? If so, can you take the coping skills you use for those and apply them here?

I personally get so anxious before interviews or anything that I make myself physically sick, so I get ya.

Can you dissect the issue to figure out where exactly the trigger is? Is it meeting new people, being the center of attention, being judged, etc.? Maybe by taking it apart and seeing where the bulk of the stress comes from you can find a solution that eases the whole process.

 

[TruthSeeker]

DID- is improved with communication w parts therapy, and other therapies, a strong motivation to communicate, a strong desire to deal with the mental illness issues and the ugly truths if you seek stabilization/integration. I used to use the word “fix” in relation to mental health and how things should be. I now use words like function adequately and be relatively content.

As I see it, my experience w alters/parts can definitely interfere with success in employment. They can do/say things to get you in trouble at work. If they are on board with working at a job, try to find a job that will satisfy needs. For example, if you worked in daycare or as an elementary school teachers aid, you get to color, do art, read stories, help others, interact with kids, and adults. Match your systems talents w your job- increases system unity and job satisfaction. Consider part-time and work into full time to reduce anxiety or volunteer to get experience-reduce stress w more experience.

And for me, I need therapy support- working or not-- work increases stress substantially- so you might consider trying therapy again w someone experienced w dissociative disorders- with the ultimate goal of employment. Good luck.

 

[Keen]

Thanks for replying, @Kubash16 .
I've tried everything therapists have suggested, and read tons of self-help books too. I can't even think of the names of everything we've done--neurofeedback, EMDR, CBT, DBT, compassion-focused, those are what I can remember.
This job thing seems to be its own thing, and my coping skills for other things don't seem to work with this one. I've tried to dissect it a million times and can't figure it out, all I know is that when I want to click "apply" for an online job posting or want to walk in to a business with a "hiring" sign, I can't do it. I'm actually really great socially, and a confident person, and the interviews I've done in the past I rocked. So I can't figure it out.

Thanks for replying, @Wilbur . I like your idea of a job that many parts would like to do.
My struggle is just to apply for ANY job. I get stopped every time, and I can't figure out why. None of the techniques therapist's have suggested have worked.

 

[TruthSeeker]

Thanks for replying, @Kubash16 .
I've tried everything therapists have suggested, and read tons of self-help books too. I can't even think of the names of everything we've done--neurofeedback, EMDR, CBT, DBT, compassion-focused, those are what I can remember.
This job thing seems to be its own thing, and my coping skills for other things don't seem to work with this one. I've tried to dissect it a million times and can't figure it out, all I know is that when I want to click "apply" for an online job posting or want to walk in to a business with a "hiring" sign, I can't do it. I'm actually really great socially, and a confident person, and the interviews I've done in the past I rocked. So I can't figure it out.

Have you done parts therapy-IFS? That has helped me. What part of you won’t allow you to hit the apply button? Is it a safety issue? A critic telling you you will fail? It is helpful to get to know your internal parts-cheerleaders and saboteurs, the protectors, child parts, etc. communication w them is key in DID- in my experience.

 

[Friday]

Ever tried skipping the application process and just showing up in person?

Just to expand on that a smidge...

When I’m doing badly, about 2/3s of the time I could be working... if I didn’t have to apply. Ditto I could be living somewhere... if I didn’t have to apply.

It’s 90% paperwork issue & 10% the application process itself.

I cannot do personal paperwork when I’m doing badly. I can’t even answer questions someone else fills out on the form for me after reading them out loud to me (because I stop being able to read, everything just swirls together and my heart rate spikes and I have about point three seconds before I want to either throw a chair through a window or eat my gun). I have tried thousands and thousands of times, but I really cannot handle filling out paperwork (professional paperwork? Incident reports, after action reports, orders, taxes, grant proposals, articles, memos, insurance forms, etc.? No problem. At all. Easy as breathing. Paperwork about me? Cue the motherf*cking meltdown whilst I lose my everlovin mind. :banghead: )

How do I know I can handle business paperwork? Because I’ve just shown up. I’ve worked more shifts, projects, gigs, jobsites, & scenes than I can count. Just filling in for a friend, or someone I know needs a hand, or right place at the right time, or semi-barter (trading work for food, gas, lodging rather than cash), etc. More than a few of these I’ve walked away from because they wanted to make it official... and nope. I’m sorry. Can’t do that. I’d love to, but really can’t. Other places, especially those known for hiring undocumented aliens, don’t even blink... because they either fudged your paperwork for you on day 1, or it’s when you ask for fair wages/ health benefits/etc. that you’re “fired” ;) because there’s no paperwork on you and never will be, because officially you don’t work here, never have, and never will. Just like 40% of their other “employees” who keep their numbers in the black and overhead down.

Some of these? Have been reeeeeeally decent jobs. 6 figure a year type jobs if I was working them full time and above board. Others are classic living off of tips anyway, and an offical paycheck isn’t worth the taxes paid. Some very citified, some very country, some specialized, some manual labor. I don’t do sweatshops & slaughterhouses. Shrug.

It’s a peripatetic life... whilst I unf*ck my head... but better than starving.

 

[Keen]

@Wilbur , IFS is one therapy i haven't tried because i haven't found a therapist who does it, but that is a great idea, I can look around more and see if I can find one who does.

I stop being able to read, everything just swirls together and my heart rate spikes

I never knew other people experienced this! This happens to me at unpredictable times, no rhyme or reason to what I'm reading. Just last week I was trying to read this book which I was already more than halfway through, and three different times I sat down to read it and this exact thing happened--unable to read, swirling together, suddenly tense and anxious--for no reason. I've always just assumed it was a part of me who didn't want to read and was sabotage-ing it.

 

[Hopefulphoenix]

Hey @Keen I dont have much practical advice to add. But just wanted to jump in and say that I understand. I dont have DID but I do I unintegrated parts from trauma and I cant work either. Its so frustrating. I have just started working with a new specialised therapist who has told me after working more on integrating myself I will be able to work again.
I so badly have the will and the personality too! But for me it was “anxiety” that stopped me. This came from parts of me reacting to different people. Its hard to explain. If someone was snappy or abrupt Id kind of feel really little, and then any task in front of me would suddenly take loads of time. So embarassing. I even tripped over piling up stock and ran upstairs in tears.
When I have worked with kind calm people who take their time, this doesnt happen and I can do an awesome job. Its all down to feeling safe internally, but in the job world I guess we cant rely on people being ideal.
I have had many therapies before too. And the heartbreaking thing was the promise that I would get better, but nothing clicked. Im really hoping parts therapy works, and I can work again too. Just wanted to tell you that you are not alone : )

 

[EveHarrington]

You can do much IFS on your own, without a therapist.

 

[Keen]

@Hopefulphoenix , thank you so much for your message, it really does feel better knowing youre not alone.

Also, I can totally relate to this:

Its hard to explain. If someone was snappy or abrupt Id kind of feel really little, and then any task in front of me would suddenly take loads of time.

 

[Keen]

You can do much IFS on your own, without a therapist.

I found a book that says its self-therapy using IFS so I am going to download it and check it out.

 

[Ronin]

Or is there a third option besides this being a character problem or a mental problem?

Health problem, situation all around you, the job market not suiting your particular skill set, your strengths being exactly in the areas where they cannot shine so easily, double gifted / disabled set of issues, intercrossing disabilities, certification issues with the field you are outstanding at, location not suiting specialization... so on and on, for other options.

Six years isnt all that long, in the long term.
(Hope to come back to this with a longer reply when I can with long again.)