Falling in love is triggering

[PreciousChild]

I met someone and we've been dating for about 3 months. Strangely, I'm realizing that developing feelings for him has triggered me. In general, I find online dating fraught. You're constantly wondering how you're measuring up, and rejection lurks around every corner. There are so many ways feelings of abandonment and hurt can be recreated. But actually, I think I'm feeling even more triggered now than when I had my guard up and defensive as I was getting to know the man I'm seeing. About a month ago, he asked if we could be girlfriend/boyfriend, and I said that I wanted that. Now that I've started letting my guard down, I'm feeling hypervigilant and dysregulated. I keep obsessing about things I've said that I'm convinced are deeply and unforgivably offensive. I'm certain that he's ready to break up with me. A brief background on my complex ptsd: my dad took my mom and siblings and abandoned me for a whole night when I was a toddler as punishment for chewing my food ungratefully. Like wut? My chewing was offensive because it didn't demonstrate sufficient gratitude for the food his hard work and dollars brought to the table, so he left me alone at home all night when I was like 3. As far as I knew, I was alone forever from that night. I slept in the doorway because I was desperate to find my family, but afraid to leave home by myself. That was the first of many traumatic moments when my dad severely punished me for slight offenses. That left me feeling that even the most innocuous comment or behavior could lead to catastrophic consequences. So I obsess about what I've said or done that could lead him to break up with me even though I may not realize how horrific my action/words were.

Also, I've never known unconditional love. So how do I even know how to give and receive it? My exes needed me, and I knew how to respond to that, and that certainty of my helping covered up my feelings of vulnerability. But despite never knowing it, I think that love is primordial in all of us, so I think the anxiety I'm feeling is also the stirrings of that old deeply felt need for love, but since I never got it, it's tinged with pain at the idea that I will yet again have it dangled in front of me only to be cruelly denied. So this growing feeling of love and affection for this guy is bringing out the worst in me. I feel clingy, afraid, and insecure. I have enough distance to treat my feelings with skepticism, and I'm not acting clingy, afraid, and insecure. But I find it hard to interact with him because my sense of how the relationship is going is so distorted. I do think I'm getting from him genuine affection and kindness, which is why I'm having feelings of panick - I genuinely don't know what to do with that. Am I going to sabotage this because I can't handle love?

 

[Friday]

Personally, I’d start breaking it down into pieces.

Trigger - I’m not 100% that this IS a trigger? It may be that loving the person who abuses you is a trigger, so you’re not actually feeling love for this guy, but kicking into flashbacks where the love is for past abusers; but it sounds more like a core belief that love = abuse. Definitely a stressor, for sure. And it could be both. But since triggers and stressors have essentially the same end result (symptom ramp up) but are sorted / gone after very differently? I’d hash this out with your T as to whether feeling love is a trigger in and of itself. Stressor vs. Trigger - What Is A Trigger?
Stressor - Love in general
Stressor - New relationship
Stressor - Dating, rejections, etc.
Core belief - if you love someone they will abuse you
Core belief - if you love someone they will abandon you
Core belief - as an adult you still can be abandoned just by someone leaving (as if you were a child who cannot take care of themselves)
Etc.

By breaking things into manageable pieces, I’m able to come at things from different angles; take the stress off here, catch myself there, work on this piece here whilst this other one is too big right now, see where this one is feeding into that one and cut the connection, etc.

 

[PreciousChild]

OMG, thanks @Friday. I actually was questioning whether 'triggered' was apt in describing what my reaction was also. But I thought it was because of the 'switch' I feel when I get triggered which makes the experience totalizing. But like you say, isn't getting triggered about past abuse? My thought is that not getting love is this gaping hole in my existence that itself is traumatic. Just like if I was starved for long periods as a child, that would leave me traumatized. Though it doesn't lead to actual death, I feel like not getting love left a scar, and having feelings of love stirred up trigger that sense of deprivation. What do you think of that?

I sort of relate to the core belief distortions that you list. That's helpful to be reminded to look for that. I think the primary distortion is that I fear he will find out that I'm unloveable and then he'll leave me, and it will confirm for me yet again that I am indeed unloveable. That is the most painful thought.

 

[grit]

First I am so happy for you to find a person you actually enjoy being with. This is great!
My only advise to you is this.

Try in meditation to broaden or expand the gap between the trigger/flashback and the real experience with this man.
I think one way we screw up often in cPTSD is our gap is too short between the Posttraumatic and the real experience in today.
So we react too quickly as we did in the past to stay alive in a situation that is happening today that needs few days or weeks to decide.

Try to listen to your body and hear what that is telling you. If you are trigger laden too much, you are not truly getting to know the man but fighting the ghosts of the past.

I also recommend asking your therapist to help you role play so you can see clearly how you act externally when you are triggered. Others may not know you are in trigger but your behaviour will change so subtly that others can pick on and react to that and all of sudden you do not know why this guy is acting this way.
Human relationships are invisible dancing.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks @grit. I think you're right about reaction times and distance between the ptsd and real experience. That's exactly it. I never thought about role playing while triggered partly because I'm not always triggered when I see my therapist. But that's an interesting idea.

I've been telling the new guy about some of my past experiences both in my childhood and with my ex husband, and he just sighed and said that he was not perfect, but that he'd be a lot easier than my ex. He seems genuinely sympathetic and he doesn't seem to be going anywhere, but there's still a part of me that thinks it's all an act. It'll turn out that he was just using me for sex or whatever, or he's like my ex boyfriend who acted super nice to the point of saint-like understanding, but turned vicious when he could no longer sustain the facade.

 

[LovingH]

Whew, I can totally relate to this. I have PTSD and it's from multiple relationships..but one in particular with a sociopathic narcissist was similar to what you went through as a child. I could do nothing right. Even little things like leaving a kitchen cabinet door open was perceived as an evil slight against him. Now, I can't imagine what going through something like that as a CHILD by your parent, would do..but I can say that my ex ingrained some definite fear for future relationships due to his behavior.

I totally ruined it with my last ex, who is truly a wonderful man, but who also suffers from PTSD. He needed space. I did not realize that many PTSD sufferers need space frequently (I tend to be the more "clingy" type). I was convinced he was gonna leave me. So, when I suffered through an anxious night of him reading my IMs but not replying (stupid Facebook..let me see that he had SEEN my increasingly upset msgs but was ignoring them), I decided I'd break up with him before he does it to me.

Had I simply just tried to sit back and breathe..meditate..just..NOT ACT. Just sit with my uncomfortable feelings instead of letting myself ACT on them..maybe we'd still be together :(

Also, the break up made my ex feel that I was just like his ex who abused him.

I guess love can be triggering, in so much as, things people do without much thought in a loving relationship, can inadvertently trigger those of us who have dealt with past abuse.

 

[ILoveLife]

Maybe your idea of love can be triggering, but love itself is the healing part and that's why you feel conflicted? This is true for myself at least. :)

 

[PreciousChild]

@LovingH , thanks for the words of sympathy. I totally understand the feelings behind the need for reassurance when you're feeling "clingy". I may not always act on it and as I heal, it's becoming less intense, but the need for reassurance when I'm feeling insecure can be really intense. I think that's because at one point in my life, the alternative could be catastrophic. As for your belief that you could have done something different, perhaps. But I strongly believe that things happen for a reason. We sometimes don't know how our ptsd will manifest until it happens. No one has to be perfect to have a relationship, and I think if it's the right guy at the right time, he'll give you acceptance and understanding. I see a big difference in my current bf versus my ex bf. My ex who has untreated cptsd, was triggered by me getting upset. So there was never a good time for me to have negative feelings, which doesn't work. My current bf asks me what I need when I get upset. It's so refreshing! By the way, it's been over 5 months, and we're still going strong. I make sure to tell him whenever I'm feeling insecure and vulnerable, and he reassures me every time. It's been really healing.

Maybe your idea of love can be triggering, but love itself is the healing part and that's why you feel conflicted? This is true for myself at least. :)

Yes! I agree that love is the healing part. I tried to convey that a little bit - I thirst for love and feel the pain of being within reach of a glass of water, knowing I will never have it.